Should divorce be an option for spouse of someone chronically ill
I have been sick with various chronic diseases for about 4 yrs now. I had to quit working about 2 yrs ago, leaving us a single income family with 2 kids. I can handle what the illness & pain does to me, I try to always smile & not let the kids see how bad I am doing. But my husband is angry, with God and,unconsciencely, with me. Besides having the sole income, he has to help w the house and shopping & take care of me on really bad days. I am 99% sure he only stays in our marriage because he knows I can't provide for myself. My illness is making him completely miserable, & he is becoming self destructive, smoking more than 2 pks a day and binging on sweets. What is happening to him absolutely breaks my heart every day. I think often on how I could possibly give him his freedom. I qualify for disability, but it's less than $1000 a month. I have no family who could help, and I love my husband so much I would only leave to save him. I am sad all the time because I feel like I am destroying him. Yes, I know plenty of coupled go through similar problems w/o it hurting their marriage, but it is destroying him. I do not believe in divorce, but watching him self destruct is unbearable.
Hi there. well, I'm sorry for your illness and disability. Will you recover from this or improve at all? Just curious.
I think that having lots of responsibility can make one stressed as your husband is. He may even have depression/anxiety. But this does not mean he wants to divorce you. To be perfectly frank, I feel like it is a bit disrespectful to him and what he is doing for you to suggest it. He is not talking to you about leaving or divorcing you and doing the best he can. Instead, thank him profusely rather than telling him you want to save him by letting him off the hook. If I were in his situation, that would actually anger me.
Instead, a strong dose of empathy might work better. Brainstorming on how to make it easier for him and what you could add into the mix that might help would be good. If you belong to a church (which I assume you do as you placed this question on the prayer request forum)---- see if they can help. Our church does meals and light housework for those in need of it. Think outside the box for how you can lighten his burden.
Could you also be depressed? A chronic illness can certainly be a trigger for that. Treating this may help if it is the case.
I'll pray for you and your family.
I completely understand what your going through. As you know from the migraine board I am in a simular situation. I often think my husband would be better off if we divorced, he has gotten very "run down" and doesn't take care of his health very well. When I finally voiced my thoughts he completely changed my point of view. He expressed how important our marriage was, and how much he loved me. This led to some very honest conversations and both of us found ways to help with the stress. He alleviated some of my guilt and I learned to help him with his stress. Hve a calm, loving, and open conversation. You might find he had no idea his behavior was concerning you.
I'll pray for your family.
As I stated I am chronically ill, 3 diagnosed very painful conditions. It's really heartening to see someone tell you youre disrespecting your husband when you don't have a thimbleful of facts to base this on. I HAVE never mentioned letting my husband off the hook as you put it, this was actually the 1st time I was brave enough to put my thoughts into words. My husband has mentioned divorce every few months for years, he has told me why he stays. And I say thank you to my husband 100+ times a day. I am not on disability, will not ever take that unless I have no resort. I will not be writing on this board again. I sometimes understand why Christians get a bad reputation, this is the only post I've ever had a less than friendly response to and it's the PRAYER site. Wow. Maybe you should have used a little of that empathy you refer to when you addressed me. You know, I was just trying to get some advice from someone who understands, I am not sure why you felt the need to castigate me. Do you think if I told my husband I thought we should divorce I would be asking if it's ever ok on a forum? My husband knows how much I hate divorce but he is miserable,not for lacks of pats on the back & thanks
Thank you so much for just letting me know you understand, I think that is the true heart of ministry. I'm sure, if you look at my other response to my post, you will probably think I'm nuts. But, as you know from migraines, 4 yrs of chronic pain can make you " sensitive" to say the least. I should have just ignored what I perceived a sort of slap on the wrist just for posting my feelings about marital problems. Just wasn't expecting that on this site. I really do appreciate you taking the time to let me know you've been there, and I'd like to write to you privately, I think we have more in common besides migraines. Thanks for caring, & your compassion
I sincerely was trying to help. On a public forum---- people post what they think will be useful to someone and at times it is not what the person posting needed or wanted to hear. The risk of posting, I guess ---- either way. Either getting the perspective you don't want or the bashing for answering the question.
I think I actually said something very similar to LWM??? Anyway, I apologize for offending you so.
I do hope that you are able to find a plan with your husband and that life gets better. Peace
Did you end up staying together ? My hub said things have to change, proclaiming he's walking out. I don't want him to go, am too weak to argue. Plus, I don't want him with me out of duty or guilt. I have a rare type of anemia. My hub is a lovely person, but not a robot. He shouldn't have to be two people. I'm having an episode and can't choke down my fast dose liquid meds without OJ. It's 1am making him very upset with me. The kids drank my juice (delicious) which sliped my mind. I'm not wanting to ruin his life/night, but am his only source of frustration. At what point do you concede defeat?
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