You poor thing! I haven't had anxiety related to pregnancy/post-partum, but I have had a bout of really bad anxiety, with bad panic attacks and all, several years ago. I think it was a combination of stress from work - a job I hated and had to work LONG hours at and didn't get paid worth a darn (a certain electronics retailer located in most neighborhoods) and also from post-traumatic stress from my DH being in the hospital a week after suffering a seizure and at the time we were newly engaged. I actually saw the seizure happen (luckily we were in the doctor's office because he was so sick - that's why) and it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. So, anyways, all of that combined, I started experiencing panic attacks to the point of taking myself to the hospital 3 times, having to do the heart monitor for 24 hours (probably one of the things you talked about), and even tried zoloft - it made me feel really blah so I quit taking it. I did have a prescription for adivan which is basically a tranquilizer type drug that you take at the start of a panic attack and it's supposed to force your body to calm down and not panic. I used it a couple of times and carried it with me everywhere for at least 6 months because I was so worried about having one again. There was nothing wrong with me physically, only emotionally.
I think the thing that finally cured it was quitting my job and over time realizing that my DH was healthy again and it was a one time event. Keeping myself busy with other distractions/projects/etc so that I wouldn't be worrying all the time, helped too. I hope that you can find something that helps you - I don't know if my story (not pregnancy related) helped, but at least I do understand having panic attacks and anxiety and it is a very scary thing to experience. I do hope the best for you and your new baby. :-)
I have anxiety attacks and struggle while pregnant because I go off my meds. That said I think every woman has some level of anxiety with an impending birth. For me both times before my adrenaline kicked in and I didn't have anxiety at all while in labor. I think doing as much as you can to give yourself that stress outlet will help too.
Talk to your midwife or OB about how you feel. They will probably help put your mind at ease about the physical aspect of it and maybe even come up with a game plan just in case you have problems with PPD again.
Thanks Joy! Yes I am a Christian! I will take a look at the blogs that you posted as well as try to find that book! Thank you so much!
It's not stupid whatsoever. Birth is not just a physical event - it is a mental and emotional event as well. I am reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and there's a HUGE portion of the book dedicated to how fear and anxiety about birth, before birth, during birth, etc. have huge impacts on us. I would highly recommend reading that book. Check your local library or bookstore!
I personally think there are things you probably need to "let go of" that you may not be aware of and spending time thinking about what truly scares you about birth and life after birth is important to find out what those things might be that you need to release. I also think it is equally important to speak affirmation and positivity and envision your birth going a positive route instead of a negative route.
I don't remember but I think you're a Christian. I have a few Christian-based blogs that may be beneficial to you:
http://www.scripturesforchildbirth.com/
http://faithfuldoula.blogspot.com/
I apologize if I'm remembering incorrectly. Surround yourself with positivity! Many Childbirth Educators and Doulas and Midwives encourage women mentally and emotionally in pregnancy rather than just offering physical support. One thing they encourage is having women write out or draw/paint/color their fears and hopes! Art is powerful! Journaling is powerful!
Try to sit back and look at it all logically. Your chances of dying during labor are extremely rare and complications are not as common as well. If you are having your baby at a hospital, you have everything right there at your fingertips should in the rare case that something goes wrong, you would be treated immediately. Do take some time for you and just relax. Take a nice long bath or read a good book. Have some you time. Try to relax the best you can, because it is healthier for both you and your baby. Hope you have a good delivery.