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Best option...or selfishness?
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Best option...or selfishness?

alright... this is my first time posting on here... but i have a question for anyone that would like to answer...
i am 18 and about 11 weeks pregnant. the father of the baby is in the Navy, somewhere in Virginia, and not in the picture.
after the initial shock, my family is beginning to become more and more excited about it. but i, on the other hand, am not sure i can give this baby the best home in the world. i am considering giving the baby up for adoption, but i'm scared of the reaction of my family. this will be my mother's first grandchild, and she is the main source of the excitement. am i being selfish, or what?
i know i should have thought this all through before i decided to have sex, and i wish i could have taken it back, but i try to live my life with no regrets.
what do i do, and where do i go from here?
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35 Comments Post a Comment
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212720_tn?1304379015
I think it is wonderful that you recongnize you are not in a place in your life right now where a baby would fit into. You are the opposite of selfish in my eyes. I think giving up your child for adoption is a very wise decision.  You cannot have a baby to please someone else. It is YOUR life that would change not your Moms.  You have some time left to mull over your descion but it is you and you alone who needs to decide what the right thing to do is..   Best of luck!

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505857_tn?1329685117
You may not get a lot of responses from this forum as a lot of us are ttc and would love the chance to be in your shoes, i would think about it long and hard and i would also speak to your parents about it more as they may be able to help more than you think.  Not everyone can give their child the best start in life but some parents would bend over backwards to make sure their child was happy even if they didn't have a lot to give them as long as they were happy.

I hope you do the right think with your decision i know it must be hard but in all honesty speak to your parents they may just surprise you!!  best of luck!!
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599316_tn?1256925213
I agree with gillian but is there a way maybe you can give it up to someone in your family since they seem so excited? Then you can still see your daughter or son grow as well. Just an idea. But i tell you once you see your baby in the delivery room words cant explain how you feel, I was NOT ready for my daughter at all and i was scared of the committment. But once i saw her precious smile and her beautiful eyes staring up at me i cant imagine life without her. But whatever it is you do talk with your mother adoption is a good option too. There are alot of people who cant have kids and the only way for them to have children is through adoption.
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1039620_tn?1272597604
I think you have already shown what type of mother you would be by thinking about your child's needs first. Whatever decision you do make, make sure it is YOUR decision and not someone else's. You don't want to regret it later when there is nothing you can do about it. Think hard and think long and most of all think about your little baby. You may not think you're ready, and that very well may be true, but a lot of women and not ready and make wonderful mothers. I'll be praying that you make the right decision for both of you.
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1091636_tn?1262546242
Thank you all for your encouraging comments.
it is not that i don't want this baby. If i decide to keep this baby, i will do whatever i can to give it the best home i can offer. I grew up in a fatherless home with 2 older brothers, 1 older sister, a twin sister and a little brother. Almost all of us have different fathers. I have an amazing mother, and she has changed alot in the last couple years, but she was almost never there for me. It was always her new found fling that always got the attention. This is what i fear for my child. I know i create the path for my baby, and i choose what kind of life i want for myself and my child, but i'm not so sure about this. i love children, and i know there could be other children in my future, but what if there isn't? This child was conceived by two very infertile people. he has a medical condition that strangles the sperm flow, and i've had many many ruptured cysts on my ovaries, and the doctors said i had a low chance to conceive to begin with. so maybe this was meant to be... i'm not sure what to do...
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1091636_tn?1262546242
...and i deeply apologize to anyone who is offended by this and is trying to conceive and can't.
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376739_tn?1317669990
Don't worry about offending people. You have every right to ask your question here. Adoption is both amazing and scary. I don't think it is selfish to want to place your child into a loving home if you feel you cannot provide a loving home. Just know that you have PLENTY of time to think things through. Take things one day at a time. Pregnancy is such a highly emotional time that you definitely can't make these kinds of decisions overnight.

Adoption is also bittersweet. While you are giving someone the most precious gift in the world your world will never be the same again. I'd definitely talk to some birth mothers and adoptive mothers. You can find many blogs out there on the subject.

I also want to add that you haven't even felt the baby move, don't know the gender yet, etc. By the time you start feeling them move and you know their gender it may make things seem more real. And may help you to make a more informed decision if giving up your son or daughter is the right step for you to take. *HUGS*

No matter what you do you'll be doing what is best for them. And that is what makes a woman a great mother.
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Avatar_f_tn
with what i have read i think that god has sent you a speical gift and he wants you to do the best you can with but if you do give it up just remember that you made the right decison and no boby thinks hard of you .
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376148_tn?1309903177
I dont think your being selfish at all!! Like the other girls said its going to change your life the most and its up to you what you decide! I think you relizing that giving your baby up for adoption is very grown up of you and you would be a great mother to relize that someone eles e can care for you baby then you ! ( if thats what you decide to do in the end) You have a ton of time and dont rush your decision! If you do decide to give your baby up for adoption then you would be giving someone a gift that they cannot give themselves and they would be so greatful for that! Some adoptive parents still let you have a part in the babys life to...let you send them gifts and stuff..kinda of be like an aunt to the baby if that was what you wanted!! You ARE NOT selfish and dont let anyone in your life or on here tell you any different( although i expect nothing but support from the girls on here!! ;) lol good luck
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1057060_tn?1266516726
girl i am in the exact same position as you--i am 18 and 10 weeks and i dont think i am ready to be a mom or financially capable. not to mention the father and i just broke up--and i am completely in love with another guy. the thought of marrying the father makes me miserable. we fight all the time--it wouldn't be a good family and we have no money. and i can't be a single mom at 18 i dont even have more than a semester of college behind me--the best job i could get is minimum wage. that cannot support a child. i might be able to feed it but another family could give it a whole lot more. maybe adoption is best sometimes? i am planning on looking into it & praying about it. who knows. keep in touch :) i would love to talk to you.
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873692_tn?1337279333
i dont think its a selfish act as i gave up 2 of my children for an open adoption it is a very selfless act you want your baby to get the best and something inside you knows you cant do it alone and tons and tons of couples are out there either trying or have been trying for a long time to have a baby to share this is a very unique gift you could give and my children know i loved them that much to give them a better home than what i could give and they love me for that i have been in contact with them and there adoptive parents there whole life if you want to talk more about this pm me
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202436_tn?1326477933
First let me commend you for trying to do something responsible...be it keeping the baby or putting it up for adoption.  I think that giving the child up for adoption (if YOU are 100% certain that you can't provide the child what he/she needs) is a very mature decision.  This is YOUR decision, not your mothers, uncles, sisters, best friends or anyone elses.  I would like to suggest that you find a place like "sav-a-life" in your area and speak with one of their volunteers about this decision.  They can help you in an unbiased way to determine what is best for you and your child.  

With that said...you very well may make the decision to put him/her up for adoption only to realize as your pregnancy progresses that you want to keep this beuatiful life growing inside you.  Whatever you choose I know you will do just fine.  I had my oldest daughter when I was a month shy of turning 19, with my mothers help we did just fine.  She is now a beautiful, intellegent 13 yo.  

Again this is YOUR decision.  Do what feels right to you, follow your heart.  
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1035252_tn?1371343440
to worrieddd612: have you considered that when you marry the man you love the two of you could give your child a better home than you and your ex could? just a thought, but if you truly feel unable to care for your baby adoption is a very good option.

flammingofrog07: you are definitely doing the right thing by exploring your options. I agree with some of the other ladies here, maybe your mom would be willing to adopt your baby? I've heard of it happening many times when a woman is young sometimes the grandparents adopt the baby...in fact, my neighbor was adopted that way and her grandparents are the world to her, BUT she's also very close to her mom and grateful that she knew she wouldn't be able to care for the baby. I think that once you realize just how capable and loving you can be you may feel more able to care for your child, though. We all go through feelings of not being able to take care of our babies at first, I think. I'm pregnant with #2 and i STILL don't feel like I can do it, but i KNOW i can, if that makes any sense. You're doing the right thing by exploring all options and you sound like you will make the right decision for everything, you, your family, and your baby. If you choose to adopt, your family will accept the decision as being the best in time, even if they may be hurt at first to lose a new family member. Just pray and consider in your heart what you know is right. You have several more months to make the decision. Good luck and God Bless.

Also..I also agree with the ladies who say you may change your mind about this when you feel your little one move. it's...words cannot describe holding your child for the first time either. I had never babysat or even HELD a baby before my daughter was born, and I had so many anxieties and fear about not being a good enough mom (my husband was also laid off a month before my due date!) and I was terrified...until labor started and she became everything to me. Just take your time and listen to your heart, you'll make the right decision.
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1081583_tn?1256493321
you def are not selfish, like said already its your life and only you can make that choice. i got pregnant with my son when i was 17 of course his father left me, so it was just me, me and my mother werent close at all durin my teenage years but after i told her i was pregnant and after the shock and the tears, she was amazing. i gave birth one week after graduatin HS. i have never been so scared before i had all the same worries you do, i had no idea how i was goin to support my son and give him everythin he needs but as the months went on i jus kept fallin more and more in love and i kept tellin myself that i can do this, my son is now 9! you have ALOT of time to think about it and make the choice that is truly right for you..the other girls are right if you feel that you can not keep this baby maybe open adoption would be good for you, either way no matter what you choose itll be in the right. i think you should really talk to your mom about how you feel again like others said she just might surprise you, my mom sure did. best of luck to you :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Adoption is not selfish, it is selflessness.  So many people cannot have children and a lot of younger adults would just take the "easy" way out and have an abortion and your allowing your child to live, regardless with you or another family is a beautiful thing.  You have time to think about your decision to make sure you are making the right decision for yourself and your child.  If you feel you are just to young to properly care for a child or not responsible enough what your mother thinks isn't really something you can help.  

I was 19 when I got pregnant but am fortunate enough to have a good relationship with his father.  If you are nervous about not having the support of both parents, a ton of mothers and father do it alone and you have the support of your family.  

This is your decision alone and you have time to think about it!  Either way congrats and good luck, in my eyes either decision is the right decision!
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1057060_tn?1266516726
ashelen:
i have considered it. see the guy im in love with is my x of 3 years.. and hes a junior in college right now. he has 3 semesters left & then he is joining the coast guard. once he joins everything would be paid for and taken care of, but until then he is still dependant on his parents to pay for college--so he wouldn't be able to provide until the child was 1 or 2 years old. i guess thats my dilemna. im not really sure if that should be a dealbreaker or not.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I hope if he loves you it would not be a dealbreaker, but life is rarely as idealistic as we'd like it to be. You're doing good in considering everything but maybe just bring it up with him...see where he stands with it. Good luck Hon I know it'll all work out!
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1057060_tn?1266516726
i have brought it up--he's willing but he cant make guarantees because he doesn't know where God is leading him in his life. so i dont know. :( oh well we'll keep praying.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
At least you guys are being realistic about it! I really hope that everything works out between you and the guy you love; sounds like he's a keeper if he's willing to be daddy to somebody else's baby, so I would do whatever I could to stay with him and try to raise your baby with him and become a family. Prayer and thought is all you can do for now...good luck and I'll send some prayers your way too!
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384896_tn?1335297931
If you think you should give your baby up for adoption in thought of not being able to provide for it, then it's the best thing to do. That baby is gunna have needs and if you can't meet them, then good for you for realizing that and doing what's best for it.

Don't be afraid of how your family reacts.
If you do decide to put it up for adoption, and they get angry with you, remind them that they're not gunna be the ones whose gatta raise that baby. You are, and you feel that you're not gunna be able to meet with everything that the baby is gunna demand.
Unless your mother will meet up with everything that you cannot, then tell her you're sorry, but it's just not your time for a child.
There will be a right time and place for another grandchild for her. Right now it just wasn't meant to be.

I kinda understand how you feel.
I was 18 when I got pregnant with my daughter, and now I'm having a baby boy on my 20th birthday this November 16th.
It's very hard being a young parent.
We still live with my hubby's parents cuz we can't afford to get our own place right now.
My family is 1800 miles away from me and can't really do much to help me.

It's very hard and I hope that whatever decision you make, it's what YOU feel is right.
I didn't want to keep the baby that I'm having, but in fear of how my family would act, I decided to stay pregnant, and keep him when he's born.
And I will say that after 9 months of pregnancy with this baby, I've grown very attatched to him and am looking forward to his arrival.

You have a long pregnancy ahead of you, so don't jump the gun just yet.
Think hard and clear on everything. Make a list of the Pro's and the Con's and see which one is longer.
Don't make a decision if you feel unsure. You don't wanna give it up for adoption, and once it's too late, regret it and wish you had kept it. And you don't wanna keep it, and later regret it and wish you'd given it to a deserving family.

You're 18. You're an adult.
Being a young parent is very hard, I'm not gunna lie.
But it has it's good points like you won't be a shriveled up prune by the time they're grown and outta the house. And you'll still be somewhat young and get to go out n have fun.
But there's also pro's to waiting for a child like, finishing school, getting a career going and a stable household beforehand, instead of worrying about it when the baby's already here.

Some people are lucky enough to be young, finish everything they need to and have kids all at the same time. lol
Not me, but we're managing and are very fortunate to have hubby's parents to help fill in the holes as we go along.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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1057060_tn?1266516726
thank you so much ashelen!
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363110_tn?1340924019
I think all the other ladies have offered wonderful advice.... Here's the way I see things.

A father isn't someone who donates sperm, or helps to conceive a child.

A father is someone who helps RAISE that child wether it carries his genetics or not. There are ALL types of mothers and fathers out there... including loving aunts and uncles, grandparents, strangers even who choose to raise and give a home to a child.

I think its wonderful that your considering all your options, and especially great that the man you love is willing to consider being with you and helping you through all this.

Prayer is going to be what helps you know gods true purpose.

I'm 22 and when hubby and I were 21, we found out that the baby boy we were carrying had down syndrome. A total shock! but we knew that it wasn't something given to us without thought. Our son, now a beautiful 14mo old has made us closer, our marriage stronger and made both of us stronger people/parents.

We are glad he picked us to have our lil man. And in that same way I believe god has a purpose for you, that baby and the man in your life.

Good luck and I hope no matter your decision that things turn out wonderfully!
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200198_tn?1259891197
Just by the way you are talking I think that you come across as a very responsible person. I really think that once you start feeling your baby move and see the baby on ultrasound you will fall so deepley in love you will do whatever it takes to have this baby and be it's mother. I could see if you were homeless had no family to help or support you then you probably should give the baby to some one who could take care of it but to me it sounds like you would be a wonderful mother and your family sounds like they would do whatever they could to help....and when that baby is born and put into your arms there may be NO WAY you can part with it. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out. I hope you keep your baby and that you both are so happy!! <3 <3
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1091636_tn?1262546242
thank you guys so much for every word of encouragement.

i have talked this over with my mother for the last couple days, and have decided to keep this baby. we may not be he richest people on the block, but we have love and support to fill in the gaps.

No matter what it takes, i WILL give my child(ren) the best i have to offer. i do have a very well paying job that i have been working at for 2 years, and i have just recently been promoted to manager.

My mother is here to support me with raising this child, and i have become more and more excited about this as the days go by. i go to the doctors tomorrow for an ultrasound, and my mother and twin sister are coming along as well.

i wish the best of luck to worrieddd612. i hope you make the best decision for not only you, but your baby as well.

thank you all for the wonderful support! <3
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I am so glad you have made a decision; not knowing what you're going to do is so scary. You are going to be a fantastic mom, you have made some difficult decisions and you've got your head in the right place. I am so happy that your family is supporting you through this and I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months. Bless you, your baby, and your family and Good luck! You'll have to update us as things progress!!
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1091636_tn?1262546242
thank you so much, Ashelen! (:
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505857_tn?1329685117
Well done i am so happy for you, parents are fantastic at times and i knew you and your mother would sort things out, a happy and healthy 9 months to you!!
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796506_tn?1370191905
Happy and healthy nine months! I am glad you decided to join the mommy community! And let us know how your ultrasound goes today!
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1085681_tn?1280180227
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad your going to keep the baby, after reading about the fertilty problems that you and the man had. I was thinkin to myself that God has an untimely sense of humor. But I'm very glad you decided to keep it, Lord knows its going to be a hard road but I think you can do it.
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1091636_tn?1262546242
well, i went to the doctors yesterday, hoping for an ultrasound, but we just listened to the baby's heartbeat and got a million prescriptions for a million different things...
BUT..... i do go back Friday for an ultrasound and an early Down Syndrome Screening. i'm very excited to see how much my baby has grown!

once again, thank you all for the loving. kind words and good luck to all of you as well! (:
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873692_tn?1337279333
congrats and have a safe pregnancy i am very happy for you and proud that you have made the decision to keep the baby it is a very rewarding job i love being a mom i have a 4 yr old and pregnant again of 33 weeks good luck and let us know what the ultrasound says
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719902_tn?1334168783
Thinking of you, sweetheart, and I think you made the best decision.  You will not regret it; your child was meant to be!!  ((hugs))
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1081583_tn?1256493321
congrats!!!! thats awesome :) i kno your goin to be a wonderful mother...good luck for ur 9mths!!
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1057060_tn?1266516726
im so excited for you! thank you to everyone that responded to me on here too!! good luck to everybody!
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202436_tn?1326477933
I am so glad you have opted to keep the baby, though had you chosen adoption you would have been commited one of the most selfless acts a mother could do.  I am sure will you not regret your decision regardless.  Having your mother there to support and help you is going to be a tremedous help.  When I had my oldest I screwed up a LOT in the beginning, I had spent my whole life taking care of others and chose to be selfish, my mother stepped in and helped with my daughter.  Though I regret doing the selfish things i did I am so thankful that my mother was there to take care of my child until I came to my senses.  Becuase of this my oldest is a bright, thoughtful, sensitive young lady.  She gets straight A's, has tons of compassion, loves animals and is a very well behaved child, ,even considering her teenage drama/attitude.  I do NOT regret keeping her, i DO regret not being there more for her first few years.  
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