Pregnancy 18-24 Community
Difficult Question- Advice Needed!
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Difficult Question- Advice Needed!

I'm not very familiar with this part of the site, but my Soldier is in this age range: One of my Soldiers came to me this evening with a pressing problem and I need some time to think this through.  It is an extremely difficult question to answer and I am very very stumped at the moment!  The situation is that his Wife is pregnant but he will be shipping out in just a few days.  They just found out about the pregnancy.  The Wife is thinking that maybe it should be aborted since the Husband wont be there.  My soldier, since I am in command over him, came to me and asked for my advice on this.  I'm not sure what to say since finances are so tight these days.  They don't even have equipment to take care of a baby!  It will be a huge expensive ordeal for them!

As my friends know I am Autistic and I operate mostly from facts and logic.  So the logistics side of it has me in conflict with the overall value of  having a child!  He's looking to me for advice as his supervisor, that is standard military protocol.  Most people outside the military don't understand how the military works from the inside.  We don't get together to blow things up.  Alot of us remain in the military and become high ranked officers because many of us find the family structure exhilarating!  You enter as a kid and work your way to becoming a mentor!  It's my job as an Enlisted Officer to be an adopted father to the men under my command so that we can shepherd kids from eighteen year old children into productive adults!  As an Enlisted Officer it is your duty to adopt young men as your sons and father them to be honorable honest trustworthy men!  But how do we balance life with the growing cost of living and the diminishing pay for working as a Soldier?!  They keep cutting the budgets and we keep getting the lower end of the stick!  The nation looks to us to defend our freedoms but we can't hardly even feed our own children!

I'm at a loss with a difficult situation involving adopting a child from a broken home, so my own expenses will be very very taxed as it is.  I have three young ones all still in diapers and needing the equipment we have for them.  Two are severely Autistic and require video monitoring overnight, especially the older one she's too big for a crib so we have to have a motion sensor to alert us if she tries to escape overnight from the room.  All my extra income is completely tied up right now!  I'm not sure how to help.  And I don't know what the best answer is?!  I'd hate to see such a precious life removed, but what do you do if there's no funds to support that life?  The Wife is too upset to even know the child so she won't consider adoption because she would see the child and know she can't keep it.  She would rather just get rid of it if she can't keep it at all.

Are there any other options?  I need to calm him down immediately because our work is dangerous and he could be severely injured if he's not concentrating on his work!  That's why they made me his adopted father, if you don't care for your men you won't take care of your men and they will get injured and hurt!  I know the advice that I want to give him but with the economy that advice doesn't make logical sense!  I have to find the right ground to stand on at once!  If I lose his trust he could fail to perform at his maximum and on deployment it could cost him his life!  I have to find the right ground to stand on that will build his trust in his leadership and ensure that he listens to those who supervise him and that will ensure that he comes back home alive and in one piece.  Well, mostly, it won't stop the enemy from attacking, but it prevents on the job accidents due to loss of focus during operations.

Does anyone have some advice for an Enlisted Officer to give his Soldier, his adopted son in the military, on this difficult question?  I wish I could help somehow but my finances are stretched already!  I just don't have anything left over, even at my rank.  This little guy is just starting out and already hitting the bumps of a military marriage!  What advice do you have?  Is there an agency that can offer aid somehow?  I don't know where to look.  I met with the Wife in the parking lot and she wants to follow any advice I give her.  Should she try to struggle through having the baby or should she have an abortion?  What would be the least upsetting for her?  I have to get my Soldier squared away so he can keep his head on a swivel while he's out there fighting for all of us!  I really need some good advice on this one; and very very happy that I found this site last year, this maybe the only place I can find right now on such short notice.  The military has offered all the aid they can, it's just not enough at his paygrade.  There just enough money to go around anymore!  If you have a suggestion please post bellow, Thank You.
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I think it's great that your are putting so much thought into this, just remember, the decision is theirs, not yours.  It is best if you just provide them with their options and let them decide what is right for them.  Abotion is certainly an option, but there are other options.   There is the option to keep it.  You'd be amazed at how people can make it work despite how dificult and expensive it seems at first.  There is also adoption.  They can go through an agency in their area and choose the family they want to raise their baby.  The family will pay for all medical expenses usually and they can choose to have an open adoption, where they stay in contact with the new parents, or not.  I would encourage them to at least research adoption and contact a couple agencies before making the decision to have an abortion.  There is a beautiful life growing inside of her that has a right to be here and be loved.  I do believe every woman has the right to choose. I made the decision when I was 16 to have an abortion and believe it was right for me at the time, but if I knew then what i know now, I would have made a different decision.  At 33 pregnant with my 2 child, I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness about it.
14 Comments Post a Comment
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1346146_tn?1299364097
As someone who has had miscarriages, I would say no to the abortion issue because even though it was not my fault I lost the babies it still stays with u forever, you always wonder about if you had those children, im sure the same goes for someone who has an abortion but I would think those what ifs would be worse since that person chose to abort.  There are all kinds of programs to help expecting parents
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3051902_tn?1350501530
My  boyfriend is from the marines, and suggested hosting a fundraiser.  We are a bit biased. .... And don't believe in aborting for a reason like this.  The baby was meant to be.

Me being pregnant,  I would be devistated..  if my boyfriend got deployed again.. . So I understand her thinking of abortion. ...
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Avatar_f_tn
I think it's great that your are putting so much thought into this, just remember, the decision is theirs, not yours.  It is best if you just provide them with their options and let them decide what is right for them.  Abotion is certainly an option, but there are other options.   There is the option to keep it.  You'd be amazed at how people can make it work despite how dificult and expensive it seems at first.  There is also adoption.  They can go through an agency in their area and choose the family they want to raise their baby.  The family will pay for all medical expenses usually and they can choose to have an open adoption, where they stay in contact with the new parents, or not.  I would encourage them to at least research adoption and contact a couple agencies before making the decision to have an abortion.  There is a beautiful life growing inside of her that has a right to be here and be loved.  I do believe every woman has the right to choose. I made the decision when I was 16 to have an abortion and believe it was right for me at the time, but if I knew then what i know now, I would have made a different decision.  At 33 pregnant with my 2 child, I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness about it.
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3051902_tn?1350501530
I agree with trying43. I too have also miscarried. .. and it stays with you FOREVER!   And me,  myself,  I am on Medi-Cal which is Medicaid but in California. Also,  I'm on WIC. so I know this woman will be able to have her child.  And be okay.
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband is a marine I had to go thru my first pregnancy by my self while he was training and then sent to Iraq it was very hard but worth it. Not to be negative but if she had an abortion and then he got killed ( god forbid) she would never be able to live with herself or at least I wouldn't if I was in that position
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3051902_tn?1350501530
Almostmommyof2, I too have thought the same thing.. . And didn't know how to word it in the best way.  
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3054705_tn?1348419079
Almostmommyof2 made an amazing point!
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1961938_tn?1398721701
There are plenty of programs to help with pregnant women and young children so she does not need to worry about that too much also baby showers happen to make sure the baby has what they need everyone pitches in to help. She doesn't need to have an abortion, she will think of the unborn child, losing a baby is a very hard thing to go through. Not to mention abortions have serious risks, it's not a quick fix, some abortions cause gang green and you not to be able to have a baby in the future. Being a military wife is hard when it comes to things like this but she can go through with the pregnancy. Ultimately it is your solider and his wife's decision though.
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Avatar_f_tn
Over all it is their choice, but being a military spouse i know that you find strength and courage where you least expect it. That and military wives tend to band together and create a wonderful support system. So i would encourage them to think and decide if a baby is something they want and not focus on the finances so much because it will be expensive no matter how much money you make, you just have to be smart about your money.
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Avatar_f_tn
The decision is ultimately theirs. Babies can be expensive, but who says you need brand new things? Garage sales, thrift stores, craigslist are all great places to find reasonable priced baby items. Being in the service they should have insurance, so that will not be an issue. As well as insurance she can apply for wic which helps with good pre and post pregnancy. She can even apply for foodstamps. When I was pregnant with my first I received all of the above, and even though I had good stamps, I put whatever cash I would have used aside in a baby find. That way I had money saved for after the baby shower. I didn't but anything brand new either. Crib, bassinet, high chair, swing everything else I "needed" was bought secondhand. And worked just fine! :)
As for the ongoing expense of diapers and clothes etc. suggest joining a coupon blog or group. She could save hundreds on diapers! As for clothes, many larger cities have clothing swaps! :) I am pro choice, but there are plenty of alternatives to abortion.
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband missed the entire pregnancy due to him being deployed. I send him every ultrasound pic and pics of my belly. We Skype and he sees his little girl. Deployment is definitely not a reason to abort a baby. Even more so when you have options like Red Cross messages which can potentially get dad home and the hospital will send for you. There's support groups she can go to on base and when he gets home and meets his baby it will be a moment like no other.....
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1705346_tn?1349995806
Thank you so much everyone!  I've had so much else going on in my life this hit me too fast to think clearly.  Literally switching gears from a domestic situation in my life and then trying to refocus on this with such short notice.  I'm not super man!  The one thing I didn't think of was a fund raiser event!  I'll get with my men and superiors and talk it over, I'm sure we can have something together to ease their minds.  I sure do appreciate your timely responses!  I've got one day to make sure he's ready to hand over to the next Officer who will take care of him and I can't send him away in shambles it's bad protocol to do that.  Looks bad on me for not performing my duties as expected.  We try to hand off our boys not just dump them on someone else.  I also liked the open adoption, now that I was not at all aware of!  Thankfully now I have something to give him and his Wife tomorrow!  I was leaning away from abortion but worried if that might financially cripple them and lead to a collapse of the home.  Sometimes I can be stumped easily when I have to have an immediate answer to an emotional question.  Because I'm Higher Functioning Autistic, I don't deal much with emotions more cause and effect logic is my thinking.  I deeply appreciate everyone's input!  Thank you very very much!  Now I have some fresh ideas to throw out on this matter.  Just what I needed!  Thank you all very very much!  I love this website! :)
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1961938_tn?1398721701
You're welcome and I think it is great you care so much for your soldiers. I am so proud to be an American!
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3051902_tn?1350501530
your welcome! i know a fundraiser will be great. i understand how much the military is a tight nit group.
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