So this is a question more for those you have 'been there/done that'...
Did you have guests in your home shortly after your delivery (in the first week) and if so how did it work out. My grandmother wanted to STAY with me and my mother made it clear that it wasn't an option...and she wants to visit all the time and thankfully my mom has also told her that is not an option either and that she will be allowed to visit for an hour or so a day (luckily my mom has to drive her so my mom can make sure she doesn't outstay her welcome).
My husband will be taking the first week of the baby's life off from work, and I'd LOVE have some time just the three of us...am I being selfish? After the first week, I feel differently because I'll be home alone all day with the baby...
i had a flatmate after my first, wished i was alone with my 2nd ( ex slapped me in the face the day i came home from hospital with baby after promising it would all change once the baby was here) and underwent continuous assessment for 8 weeks after my third in a mother and baby unit, then had regular home visits for around 10 months. I was glad of my flatmate being around with my first, i guess i just felt a little more reassured someone else being there as it was my first. I deeply wish i'd had the sense to leave my ex the first time he hit me and will never make the same mistake again. i was actually glad of the assessments and regular visits as they boosted the confidence in my mothering abilities that my ex had all but destroyed and i'm looking forward to a more peaceful time with this baby. I'd say whatever feels right for you - go with it. and it certainly is not selfish.
I think we had one visitor the week we brought DH home and those were our neighbors. Shoot, we barely even told anyone I was in labor and it made it nice b/c nobody was "waiting" for me to pop him out lol! Just DH and I in the room and at the hospital. It was really nice with it just being the 3 at home. It gave us a nice chance to work out a routine (which is still in place to this day - DS is 2) and also gave us a good bonding time and getting used to having a baby. It was I think 3 days after we got home until the neighbors came over...Do what feels right to you. It's your home and your baby :-)
I had a rough labour and birth with my first. I lost alot of blood therefore, was very anemic. My inlaws were at our place during Anika's birth as it was Christmas. I too wanted it to be the 3 of us but with x-mas I knew that was not going to happen. Honestly, I was very greatful to have my MIL there. She was a great help. I slept alot due to the anemia so she helped Nick with Anika. She also cooked and did much of the cleaning for the whole 2 weeks she was with us.
I too couldn't eat anything while nursing as everything seemed to effect her. She was always gasy. She would scream 6-7 hours at a time during the day and then another 2-3 hours in the evening. The 3 of us took turns (2 hour rotations) holding her and carrying her on her tummy. It was completely exhausting.
I don't think you are being selfish at all but i would keep the option open just in case the delivery doesn't go as well as planned. Having an extra pair of hands will allow more time to spend with your hubby and baby while mom can cook and clean. You can see what happens at the birth and if you think you will need additional help ask for it.
sweetangel~ I am totally with you. This is not my first baby, but it is my husbands. It is also the first grandchild for his parents, other than my 2 that they have of course taken as their own. BUT mine are 14, and 9, My youngest was 2 when my husband and I started dating so by the time his family was involved he was well beyond the baby stage.
Anyhoo~ My husband is taking off 2 weeks after I have her, and I too don't want to be selfish but this is our bonding time. The problem lies with my MIL who I do get along with but she has really been driving me crazy the past couple of months, I know the hormones are playing in on it, but she is starting to annoy me calling 5 times a day asking how I'm feeling! I've already let it be known that I don't want constant visitors at the hospital, and she made the comment that I wasn't gonna be able to get rid of her, I laughed and said well I'm sure your gonna love sitting in the lobby.
I'm trying to come up with ways to let her know, she has went as far as taking that 3rd week off of work that my DH goes back b/c she says I will need her. Once again, this is my third time around, yes it has been a while but I'm sure it will all come flooding back! It's very frusterating though to try to understand her excitement but on the other hand keeping this a lasting experiance for my husband and I and our 2 boys. I'm not sure what to do.
Sorry it ended up being SO long! I just wanted to say, I think it's great to just make it about you and your husband. People need to realize that visiting should be just that..visiting, not making roost. LOL Good luck to you!
We had visitors in and out the first week but it wasn't too overwhelming. I think people, MOSTLY, understand how people need their space. I would suggest putting a sign on the door when Tyler AND YOU are napping so people can come back at a better time (if they pop in and you don't know they're coming). :) It's normal to want to bond and be a little family but if someone offers to bring you dinner...don't refuse! ;)
My mother-in-law offered for us to stay with her (she lives only 5 minutes away) and I declined saying I would rather stay in my own bed, etc. She then told my husband the same thing (she can be pushy and has some control issues) and he told her that we would rather stay at home but she could come over if we needed her. I told my husband I do not want to plan on anyone coming over unless we need them too, especially because I knew we would have a lot of vistors at the hospital. Fortunatly, my mother in law was sick and wasn't able to come by. My mother just told me to let me know if I needed her. We ended up not needing any help, though our baby was quite good for us. My mother did come over one day when my daughter was like 5 days old, because we were up all night with her and my husband had gotten sick also, so I needed a break. I was breasfteeding too so my mom would just watch her until she was hungry, wake me up to feed her and let me go back to sleep. So it is nice to have someone there to help you get rest, but if your husband is there he can be that help. It's totally up to you. I wouldn't write anyone off yet, just let them know you'll let them know if you need help.
I'm going to try to make my points really simple and easy-to-read:
1). You need time to bond with baby- hard to do when everyone else is holding them.
2). You'll literally be nursing around the clock (and it is hard to cover yourself when you're first trying to nurse because you need to check to see if the latch is correct).
3). You will want to be comfortable (nursing tank, pajama bottoms) and not have to keep up appearances during this learning time.
4). On the other hand you may feel overwhelmed (men don't typically know how to handle newborns and hormonal new mommies who cry all day long those first day) so you may just want your mom and/or grandma around. I had my MIL and SIL come over for a little time to help me nurse one day. My SIL had just had a baby a month before (and yes, our daughters are the same age and like sisters!) so having her support meant a lot.
5). You are NOT selfish for wanting this time alone. Once that first week is over, it's over. There's no taking it back. So do what you feel comfortable doing!
Honestly you won't know what you want until you're in the moment. So just go with the flow! You don't have to plan out all of this just yet. Just let your mom know that you'll call when you're ready for help or to allow them to see/bond with baby.
JoyRenee summed it up perfectly.... especially point #1. My husband took 2 weeks off following my daughters birth and it was great to have that new family time with just me, him and our new baby girl. And when my husband went back to work after those 2 weeks, my mom drove down and stayed with us for the following week. It worked out great for me b/c I was a little scared about being alone with the baby for the first time, and my mom ended up being a big help (I had a c-section, so it also gave me an extra week to heal before I'd be the only one picking up the baby during the day). It was great having my mom there to lend a helping hand.
i live right beside my mom, and DH had just started a new job 3 weeks before i had Dylan, so i didn't want him to take off work until i actually needed him........ my mom was just 10 feet away so if i needed anything at all she was there! my mil came in a month later and stayed for a week to help out, then a week after she left Dylan had to have hernia surgery so she came back and drove us 3 hours away to the hospital where he would have his surgeries done! even though Dylan was my first i never really needed the help, but now that im preggo with my second i have a feeling i'll need a lot of help! when the time comes you will know whether to ask for the help or even just the company of another!!!!!!!!
Thanks ladies, I should have clarified a bit, its not my mom and my mother in law that I am 'worried' about, it is guests that I feel like I have to entertain who will not be making things easier on me...my grandmother is a handful! I know my mom and my mil will be great helps and wont outstay their welcome! I own a duplex and my inlaws live on the other side so I do have someone other than my husband 'round the clock if needed. And, when I was working two jobs, my MIL used to always offer to do dishes or laundry for me since she stays at home all day...I'm sure she'd be willing to help after I have the baby if needed. I never took advantage then though because I felt bad having her do our stuff! Now, I just have to find a kind way to tell all the ladies at work, we'd rather not have visitors the first week =)
Maybe my situation was different, I lived with my sister and Joe at the time so I always had them around and my mom was there to help a lot. Even though I had all the help I needed it still would have been nice to have friends there. My friends were my world when I was pregnant since I was only 20 and not having them there for me broke my heart, literally I cried all the time until they finally came to see my when Noah was 2 weeks, I had the baby blues pretty badly and I just needed to know that I was loved, I really felt let down. This time around, whoever wants to come and see me is more than welcome, I am extremely comfortable around my friends and family and I would never feel like I have to entertain them or prepare for their arrival.
Sorry if my post jumps around a little, Noah decided it was funny to wake up at 5 this morning and I am ready for a nap lol
All in all, I think it just depends on what you are comfortable with. If you are the type of person that doesn't like to be alone in general and wants attention (that's me) then you will likely want to be surrounded with people. But if you are more private and want to be left alone it is likely that you will want that after birth as well.
Either way, people should really understand your decision and respect your wishes.
I didn't read all of the responses, but I don't think you are being selfish at all. I always get PPD after I have babies, so I don't want anyone around for a little while anyway. And I def think that you and your husband should be able to be alone and bond w/ the baby alone if that is what you want and prefer. I know I do. And I never want people to see me with the shape I am in after having a baby. I am just too emotional!
Well my issue is that my mom will be staying with us for a couple of weeks around the time I'm due and the week after I deliver. My husband is going to take the 1st week off and my MIL lives in town so she'll be there too. That's fine with me.
My dad wanted to come with my stepmom and my little brother (8yo) and stay with us and my husband wants his dad to come down and stay with us too for a couple of days. I told my dad no, that only one at a time because I'm not going to have a refuge at my house right after I deliver and definitely NOT having my little brother around. I can't tell my husband not to invite his dad because he really wants him there. AND THEN! My brother and gf, SIL and BIL want to come and visit too soon after the delivery.
So i'm pretty much screwed, there's no way that I can tell them not to come eventhough I KNOW that I'm going to just want me and my husband around....I don't have much of a choice.
Well I think that if you are concerned about other guests, you should stress to them that they need to call first. I know a handful of occassions where people made plans to come over and the day came around and I was not up for guests - so I called them and let them know. Because of that, we always asked people to call first just in case we had a rough night or weren't up for guests. If they get mad and don't understand, oh well, because if they do come and you aren't in the mood for them to be there then that will get you stressed out. Trust me, your emotions will be all over the place and I know that I cried for every little reason. My daughter is almost 8 weeks now and my hormones are still a little off every now and then. Just put your foot down and ask for their respect.
My first week went okay, but I would have definitely have loved doing it differently. The first 3 days were the craziest...and I would have loved that time to me, the baby, hubby, and my mom. My mom HAD to be there, because the delivery was a little more complicated (head coming down very crooked) and I wasn't able to do things like I wanted to (like going up and down stairs, going to the bathroom by myself and cooking, I was just in too much pain) She was a blessing to have! Other family members (who are close to me) were fine, but friends...I would want them to wait until later this time. It was just too crazy and I didn't want everyone holding my 2 day old baby! I even started crying after everyone left the one day wishing I hadn't said yes to them coming over. I will definitely be more forceful this time around. The only people I would like over in the first week is close family, and everyone else can wait! I'm not a mean person in general and have a hard time saying no to people, so I will have to tell my hubby so he can tell others to just wait. I don't think it's selfish, you go through a lot when giving birth and it's exhausting! I just want to relax and really get to bond with my baby this time around. =) My son will be 18 months when this one arrives, so I'm sure my mom will be moving in again. She lives over an hour away, so it would be hard for her to travel back and forth everyday.
I like the call before you come rule, and I think maybe no visitors for the first day we are home would be good. My mother in law is right next door, so if we need help with anything, I know it won't be an issue and I'd rather have my husband help me on the toilet or in the shower than my mom. BUT if I needed my mom (who lives in the same town 10 minutes away tops) I know she'd be here in a heartbeat and would do anything I asked. I'm not a very forceful person when it comes to other people, so I want to get this all sorted out in my head NOW so that dh and I can be prepared.
Ohhhhhh... well tell anyone who wants to visit to visit at the hospital. Let them know beforehand. You get kind of bored and lonely at the hospital all day unless you've got some visitors. I just visited my brand new nephew in the hospital this morning because I knew my SIL wouldn't want us to come over to their house those first few weeks.
Women who've had babies before will understand. If you have friends/coworkers who are childless they might not fully understand just how hard babies are and why you need some space.
i just had my first and loved helpful people coming over. it gave me a chance to rest a little bit. i had a c-section so i was very tired and sore and could not move around as much as i wanted to or needed to for the baby so help was great.
i can see what you mean though about those you feel you would have to entertain, tell those ones to visit in the hospital.
When I had my children I didnt want visitors right away..first of all I was so tired as I had a rough delivery the first time and secondly I didnt want alot of people on topof my newborn....I was a neurotic but I was afraid of germs and everyone touching the new baby and I needed to rest and couldnt be entertaining...just let everyone know before hand that you will have visitorsonce the baby has their shots and when u are feeling up to it...you are in charge!
I think you should have them visit at the hospital. It is in NO WAY selfish to tell people you want space when you bring baby home.
I did this, my family wasn't initially happy about it, but they came to realize that this was OUR child, and we needed to do what WE were comfortable with. Joy had a good point about not being sure what you wanted until the time came, and I agree.. I just wouldnt recommend having anyone stay WITH you if you don't want them there. If your Mom wants to come over during the day, thats great, she can help you and monitor visitors! =)
to be honest i didnt want to see or talk to anyone, i thought i could do it all on my own....little did i know how hard it would be, i could have used a lot of help i ended up crashing very hard! i understand not wanting to have guests over, but if anyone offers to help, take it! you will be scared when your husband returns to work but that is when you will gain all your confidence! good luck.
Like I said, I know my mom will help and my MIL and I will gladly accept help because they will know how I want to be helped (laundry, dishes, errands...) BUT primarily it is my grandmother who I'm worried about...she thought she would STAY with us for a month!!!!! We got that nixed! Now, she is staying with my mom for a week and she will expect to be over all the time for extended periods which will not be helpful! She is lovely, and I love her BUT she makes comments about my housekeeping NOW I can't imagine what she'd say when I'm exhausted and trying to just bond with baby! She was over at Halloween and I had a few baskets of laundry and some dishes in my sink and she made a comment to my mother that maybe I needed some help keeping house since I had so many things not taken care of!!!! I almost killed her! Hopefully my mother will keep her in line! She was such a pest when my cousin had her baby, my cousin basically yelled at her and kicked her out of the hospital because she was getting bossy about breast feeding and the 'right' way to do it!
Well, I spoke up to my mom AND asked my mom if Grandma could just come after the two weeks I'll be home with my husband that way I can get used to being a mom and we can all bond etc. My mom was so supportive and said that whatever I want she will make it work. Luckily, Grandma lives in VT (I'm in MA) so she can't come on her own...she will have to wait for my mom to get her! I'm glad I got so much input from you ladies and I'm glad I decided to speak up!
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