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How do you cope with something like this? VENT
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How do you cope with something like this? VENT

Okay so me and Coles father broke up a month ago, but we were still talking and hanging out and stuff. well he told me one night 2 weeks ago that he had moved on. So i slept with my ex. It wasnt nothing it was like 2 minutes and i didnt even enjoy it i hated it the whole time and i cried and left.  and i havnt talked to him since then.  well Coles father told me he didnt move on he was just saying that to hurt me cause thats what we do to each other when were mad we do and say things to hurt each other thats what we have always done.  but he told me he forgave me and it wasnt a big deal and we have been hanging out everyday and night since then.  and telling each other we love each other and talking and getting along and sleeping in the same bed cuddling and everything couples do together.  he told me not to beat myself up cause we wernt together and it wasnt a big deal and blah blah he was being so nice to me.

But then last night he wanted to go out, he went out at 5pm so he could come home early and spend some time with me. we got into alil arguement cause I didnt want him to go.  but he went anyway , he was supposed to be here at 10pm, and it was 1030, well he never showed so I called him. and he was freaking beyond wasted, i was so hungry i didnt have a car and i didnt eat all day.  he started being an ahole. and throwing it in my face and calling me names, i was so hurt i was crying so hard it hurt.  well he came in the door this morning and i noticed a big hicky on his neck.  so i asked him what happend turns out he slept with a girl that he didnt even know her name. he said it was just like 2 seconds like in and out and he didnt even ejaculate or anything.

My point is, why does this hurt so bad? I did the same thing 2 weeks ago. so why do i feel so hurt and betrayed, like all i wanna do is cry. It hurts that this has happend, and I have no idea how we ended up this way. it ***** so bad cause we tried so hard to have Cole, and we got him, but as soon as we had him, we lost each other. things will never be the same.  and he saids we cant be together, cause i get mad when he wants to go out, and i complain and ruin his nights and hes aloud to do whatever he wants.  but the main things we will never not beable to stop thinking about what each other did.  hes the love of my life and i dont know if i can be with out him. he saids we get along better as friends. well how do u be friends with the father of your child and the man ur so in love with? anyone have any advise or words of wisdom for me. im completly lost.  thanks
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1303813_tn?1303162962
It hurts because you love him.

The day I found out I was PG the first time (I had to terminate ya know why and things) I found out he had a GF... well kinda they were seeing eachother...
I was so hurt (We broke up and I ws still hanging on) I said to him, I dont care if I ever speak, hear or look at you ever again.. the next day we spent the day together, he was all upset saying you dont huggle me properly, you dont wanna kiss me, and then said I love you.
???

Confusing or what, 2 weeks later after my termination we was back together. Because she treated him like CRAP. But he still had everywhere... but for the 3 months we wasnt together and (They was together for like 3 weeks.. to 5 weeks?) He said we would NEVER get back together, I am just a friend, and then he changed and said he loves me and wish we never broke up...

I was so hurt, I didn't care if he died!! If I didnt see him, If I didnt talk to him, Anything... well that lasted about 2 hrs! LOL...

But it hurts so much because you love him.
He did it because you did it. He is prob thinking if she can I can. Is all, I bet she means NOTHING, he doesnt even remember her name.
You're the one who means everything... to him...
Try spending time apart (I know easier said than done cause of Cole). But like me and my BF were so bad when we saw eachother all the time. Now we see eachother once a week we are better than ever and so much stronger. It feels like the Honeymoon period all over again, because we aint always in eachothers faces. :)

You're the one who means something...
It hurts because you love him so much.... The love of your life. Take some time out again...


:)

here if you need to talk!

x
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676912_tn?1332816151
I'm not sure...but I am a little confused...so he says it's ok that you slept with someone because you weren't together. BUT it sounds like you were back together when he slept with this stranger...that's cheating in my book. If you're not together that's one thing, but if you are it's another...I really don't know what to tell you. You have a baby together but that doesn't mean you have to be together. Sit him down and talk to him, tell him how you're feeling and see if there's a relationship in there to work on, or not. It sounds like you two aren't on the same page as far as your relationship goes.

You're always going to love him for giving you your child, you'll move on eventually if you two are done for sure. It will be tough, but you'll be strong for you and your baby. *HUGS*
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1276121_tn?1356763827
Wow this is a really hard situation and im sorry you are going through it. My opinion is you obviously care for him and are much more in love with him then he is with you. When you have a child it becomes time to grow up and you cant always go out with your friends. How often is it he is wanting to go out? In time it is possible to be friends with the father of your child. Its not possible if he is over every night and in your bed and you all are acting like a couple. You have to be strong and put that to an end because it seems like he is just going to continue to hurt you. I know its hard and you all are young but i was once in your shoes and it was the best thing i ever did. It is no benefit to your son to watch you all be like this in any way. I hope it all works out and if you ever need to talk im here.
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Avatar_f_tn
This is just from one woman to another. Now I don't know you or your baby's daddy personally, so I am just ASSUMING this. Just throwing it out as an option.

Maybe, just maybe...he came back to make you feel like things were going good, he was being sweet, loving and everything you could want. Then he goes out, gets drunk and screws some chick. Now, to me....since I have been through crappy relationship, through crappy relationship, it sounds like he came back around to be a revengeful *****. To do to you, what you did to him.

Now, i'm not saying that what you did was wrong, hell you two weren't even together, so your sex life, is your sex life, and you shouldn't be ashamed or regret it for the simple fact that you love Cole's father. Now it's one thing to love Cole's father, but are you IN LOVE with him? We all in some way love those who helped bring our children into this world. I hate, despise and did I mention hate my ex husband lol....But I would be absolutely devastated if something bad were to happen to him, mainly for his kids' sake. I'm not in love with my ex, and I have no romantic feelings for him, but I do have feelings as far as he goes, because I want him to step up and be the father I know he can be, he just chooses not to.

Frankly, I think Cole's father needs to grow up a lot!!! Having a baby usually makes either the mother or father or sometimes both parents grow up, and quickly. But often than not, one parent is likely to keep their childish ways.

With this said, you need to put yourself and Cole first...not saying you don't already, but worrying about a man can tend to preoccupy our minds. You eventually have to let go. Now...you said, that when your mad at each other, you hurt one another....emotionally i'm taking it. Do you think a relationship like that is something you would want Cole growing up and seeing? Would you want Cole to be in the same relationship with someone when he is older? Because 9 times out of 10, that's exactly what happens. Cole will grow up thinking it's okay to get mad at your spouse, and it's okay to emotionally hurt them, If Cole grow's up with this type of "man" as a father, Cole will more than likely be the same type of father to his children. Don't sacrifice Cole's future so you can be happy....Sacrifice your future so Cole can be happy....it's our responsibility to make sure our children are given the best chance at a normal life.
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187316_tn?1386360282
I know you love him and want things to work out not only for your sake but your childs as well... but I think its time to move on. I would never stay with someone who would willingly sleep with someone else and I would question how much I actually loved someone if I could sleep with someone else so fast. I think you are both young and have some growing up to do and I know how much it hurts to let the relationship go but sometimes it really is for the best. Im sorry if this sounds harsh but Im speaking from personal experience because Ive been right where you are.
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Avatar_f_tn
The thing is hunny you and him were BROKEN UP when you made your mistake.... Then when you and (coles dad) got back together HE got MAD, and did a VERY stupid thing. You two did the same thing for very different reasons. You NOW have to understand, what if he goes to do this every time you two have a simple stupid argument. What if he KEEPS going out getting drunk, getting laid. It can become a habit (sadly)....... and Yes something did change between you two. I think its going to take a while to patch things up. He betrayed you...... I mean its not that it means "nothing" to him, and he doesnt know her name...... But HELLO hunny what kind of relationship will you two have if he randomly chooses who he sleeps with. Like i said IT CAN become a habit. It might not. Take some time away from him and rethink. ITs hard but you dont want to waste your time on someone who'll come home drunk when ever he goes out.
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1123420_tn?1350564758
Thank you ladies so much.  we wernt techinally together when he did it either, so he didnt cheat on me. i mean in my eyes i thought we were, we acted just like we were, but I guess in his head it was totally something different.

Cassanda: thank u for sharing your story with me, we try to spend time apart but we never can, i have know and loved this man for 9 years.  him and our son our my life. I know she ment nothing to him, but that kinda hurts more somehow i dont know how to explain it, and i know im the one that means something to him, i just wish he would show it.

smjk: Like I said above we wernt techincally toghether. I have sat him down plenty of times to talk to him, but its like he dont even hear me.  Like im non existant.  Nothing works, its his way or nothing, he never takes my feelings into consideration, like even now, hes telling me not to be upset and to be happy and ****, how the hell am i supposed to do that as my world is falling apart.  

Dolphin:  At first when I first had Cole and we broke up he was going out like 4 or 5 times a week. now he only says he wants to go out once a week. and he tells me i need to go out, but I dont want to i dont want to go anywhere i want to go to work and spend the extra time with my son u know.  It takes getting used to, i understand he needs time with friends too, but i havnt got used to it yet, we were together for a year and half with him not wanting to be with anyone but me, not wanting to leave me, inviting me with him, and all of a sudden its different, and he expects me to just deal with it like its nothing.

BTS:  Yes I am completly IN LOVE with him. I have been for 9 years.  I know he could be a good father too, if he tried harder. i mean hes good to him when hes here.  and hes been around alot more then he was in the beginning.  I know i fear for the fact that Cole will be just like him everyday.  But even if were not together hes still gonna see hfow his dad is and somehow be like him.  he does have alot of growing up to do. hes 22 years old, and wanting to be 21, when he turned 21 he got a DUI right away so never got to have the fun that 21 year olds do, so now hes trying to be the 21 year old partier.  And im only 20, so he thinks I dont know how to have fun and blah blah.  I would be devastated if Cole ever seen or heard the things his father saids and does to me, emotionally.  Yes whenever he gets drunk or mad he will call me names and try to hurt me, just like when he lied to me the first time and said he moved on, he was just trying to hurt me.  

alaysha: dont apolagize, i needed to hear it, i know im an idiot. But what u dont know is I do love this man very much, and i know it looks bad to move on so quickly but I didnt move on i had meaningless 2 mintues sex with someone i have no feelings for what so ever.  and i regret it everyday of my life now, but I have to live with it.  It was so aholish of him to just do that cause he was mad at me, which makes me question his love for me, and we fought all the time, makes me wonder if this has happend before u know.

julianovak: yes we were broken up when i made my mistake. and we were still broken up when he did it, i didnt do it to hurt him or to get back at him i thought he moved on and i didnt wanna be the girl that sits at home crying cause hes with others and im still sprung up on him, so i did it to try and help myself move on. but it made me feel worse. he did it out of revenge and to hurt me.  what hurts me is i begged him at first to go sleep with someone after I did it, cause i was so mad at myself and seen how much i hurt him, and he kept saying he wasnt like that and wouldnt do that. but he freaking did when i least expected it.  and yea I know i have a fear of it happening again.  its dumb to hurt someone so bad by sleeping with a stranger, jsut got u got mad at her, over something so dumb, if we were fighting he should have been like okay, obviosuly somethings wrong here, i should try and fix it.  u know that what he would have done if he cared at all. but obviosuly i know where his feelings stand now.  but no matter what i do or say to him, he always finds a way to make it come back on me, like everything is my fault.

Can you really end a relationship with the mother of your child and someone u really love, just because she got mad at you and wanted you to come home to her and your child?  does that sound like love at all?  
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1303813_tn?1303162962
You said he was drunk, I think that was the drink talking.
I know its hard spending time away from eachother but it might have to be done and things might get so much better and easier...

:)

x
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Avatar_f_tn
hunn.... I asked my hubby before, i told him a while back, that drunks dont have control over what they do, he told me thats not true, you know what your doing..... you cant walk straight but think of it this way, someone isnt going to pretend to be superman and try to fly out of a window, ppl dont do that.... it cant be the "reason" for doing what he did. Us as ppl we dont sleep around when drunk with whomever we meet. There are things called intentions.
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676912_tn?1332816151
I agree with Cassandrajane, it could have been the alcohol talking...but I've learned in my experiences that alcohol talk is truth talk. "Liquid courage" as I like to call it. You'll more likely say something you wouldn't normally when you've been drinking, and sometimes it's a good thing you hear it.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you need him at all. A relationship takes work everyday, by both halves, and he doesn't seem interested in working on anything. I honestly think you're better off without him. Go find you someone who cares about your feelings and opinions, and is there for you 100% of the time. You're still young, the world won't stop turning just because you're not with him. I know it feels like it right now, but just like every bad thing that happens in life, you learn to cope and move on. You will eventually it may take a long time, and it may take a short time. Just focus on Cole and you right now. Look at the relationship you did have with him and write down the things you liked about the relationship, not him, the relationship. Then write down the things you didn't like...that'll be your guide for when you do move on to someone else, it'll help you with what kind of person you need in your life. Sorry, but I don't think he's worth your tears, the hurt, or the name calling, etc...you don't deserve that.
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Avatar_f_tn
And NO hunny you dont need a man like that in your life, you and Cole. He shouldnt be walking out on you like that. He should have thought it over. You were broken up BUT if he had the feelings for you he wouldve been like ok hunny, we should just spend the evening together...... and talk things thru. Good luck hun! Do whats best for YOU and your son. Even though he is the babys daddy- you are not married to him. Tecnically he is a nobody to you right now. Regardless of past relationship. I know hard to imagine. But it is what it is.... He is the babys father, hopefully in some time he'll man up and be the father that he should be. But you two dont owe each other anything, only respect, and obv he didnt give you that.
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304970_tn?1331429594
I personally do not think alcohol is an excuse.. Granted, it lowers a persons' inhibitions, but it can NOT 'make" you do things.. He knew what he was doing. He may have immediately regretted his decision, but it was a decision.. He had a choice.

With that said, it all sounds very childish to me. I'm trying to keep in mind how super young you both are.. When I was your age(s).. I was in a serious and commited relationship, but I definitely did NOT want any kids. I knew I was too young to handle the financial and emotional responsibility. I hate to be harsh, but it sounds to me like Cole's Daddy is a child. You cannot force him to grow up, you cannot force him to be responsible. You cannot force him to want to work on & nurture your relationship. If he is saying he feels you would both be better suited as "friends," I would take that advice, and go from there. I would definitely discontinue ANY type of sexual relations and I would limit your interaction with each other to drop offs and pick ups of Cole. I KNOW this is easier said than done, but you will be better off in the long run. Hang in there.. Life is full of surprises, some good, and some bad.. What we learn from each experience and apply to our everyday personal growth is what is most important. Cole is and should remain your #1 man for a long while. You need time to grieve the end of your relationship,and just nurture Cole and take care of yourself.. I would also avoid any other "rebound" action.. Take this time as a gift to you and to Cole. And keep it just you two.. =)  Best of luck.
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800427_tn?1324949319
Im just going to be super blunt..i apologize ahead of time if it seems harsh.

I'm the same age as you are...about to be 21 this month so a little bit older. We both had our boys in May and we were both engaged. But this is the difference...I have been with my DF for 6 years solidly. we were highschool sweethearts and we have never broke up..not even once..we've actually never even threatened it. My DF and i have a house, a car and a dog together and now our son together...everything we do is TOGETHER and for EACHOTHER. He goes to work every single day and works his butt off so i can stay home and give my full attention to raising our son. After work he comes home...eats dinner with us..plays with our son and watched tv or something with us. we put him to bed TOGETHER every night and then we have our alone time of the night where we watch a movie or just talk ..then we usually head to the bedroom to make love or to just go to bed. This is usually our daily routine and while he is a slob sometimes and doesnt pick up after himself he NEVER complains about hanging out with me or our son...he is always here for us day after day and would never even THINK about saying anything "just to hurt me". On the days that he wants go golfing with his dad or to go hit some tennis balls or go out to the casino with his buddies (which is rare) he ALWAYS makes sure its okay with me first and makes sure that im comfortable and set up at home first. If i tell him im really tired and id really appreciate his help at home that night...he wont go and stays home to help. sure i get a little attitude from time to time but the point is ..he stays.

True love doesnt make u say things just to hurt eachother....when u find true love u try your hardest all the time to NOT hurt eachother and to say things that makes one another happy instead. True love is working together and respecting one another. Cole's father used to get on you during your pregnancy about not wanting to have sex...made u feel like total Sh!t for not wanting to do it...while u were huge tired and pregnant! thats bs honestly. We had sex maybe once a month my WHOLE pregnancy and my DF didnt say sh!t about it the whole time...he didnt complain to me once. he took what he could get from me when i was willing to offer it and understood that i was carrying his son around all day and was EXHAUSTED!

My DF is also 22 so i dont think age is a good excuse...i think Cole's father is just a jerk..period. a 22 year old can man up and be a good boyfriend and father..mine has and always will be. You shouldnt have to work this hard to keep the love alive in your relationship...you shouldnt have to try SO hard to get through to him. Relationships arent easy...they take a ton of work and u really have to listen to one anothers feelings but the LOVE....the actual LOVE...should always shine through. and to me it just doesnt look like anything is shining through on his end...he's just acting like a big dumb immature idiot who is too busy loving the bar scene and doesnt realize what a wonderful life he has waiting for him back at your place. My DF and I have the best time just laying on the floor together with our son and our dog just giggling and singing dumb songs together...we dont have to go out to have a good time and we would never even think of going out to have sex with someone else just because we hurt eachothers feelings. When I hurt DF's feelings he goes and tinkers with **** in the garage or he goes to mow the lawn..he doesnt go sleep with someone else!
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't mean to sound harsh, but the games you play with your boyfriend are very immature. You try to hurt each other? That's not a very loving relationship. I know it's nice to try and be a family, want him there since he is the baby's father, but sometimes it's best to move on. He blatantly slept with another woman. He made that decision, and alcohol is no excuse if he used that as one. The relationship you are in right now with him is NOT healthy, for both of you and your child. I really think you should cut your losses and move on.
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796506_tn?1370191905
I am going to agree with sunkissed. I know it seems like the world is going to end right now but it won't. Your son is what is important and all you guys are doing is dragging each-other through hell for no reason.
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1351369_tn?1294835229
you are in a very unhealthy relationship.Emotionaly,physically and mentally unhealthy. You need to face up to facts,be responsible and make some very important decisions.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I have to agree with sweetpea here ammanda.  I think you are a sweet girl and know you will do anything for Cole.  But you two are not acting like adults or parents.  I don't think either of you behaved appropriately.  I hope you don't clobber me for this but when you truly love someone and they break up with you, whether they tell you they've moved on, you don't call up some old boyfriend and have sex.  If you loved Cole's father as much as you say you did, you wouldn't of done something like that regardless of how hurt you felt.  He gets the same speech.  You both have a child to think about and neither of you are doing that.  Him going out is definitely not ok, he needs to be there.  If he doesn't want to do you really want to feel like you have to force him to want to spend time with you and his son?  As much as it hurts, I feel like this relationship has run it's course.  Perhaps you two grew apart.  You are both young and have been together a really long time but it seems that he wants to be a guy his age.  It's unfortunate that he is doing this when he just helped to create a life and refuses to take responsibility for Cole.  But it is what it is.  You can't change him.  Adding a baby into the most healthiest of relationships is tough, it's even harder when the relationship isn't exactly stable.  And believe me I speak from experience on that.  Maybe you guys will make it work and maybe you won't.  You can't focus on that right now.  Even though I know you're hurting and hope it will turn out ok.  You have to put your energy into Cole.  I also don't think it's a good idea for you two to live together and act like a couple when you're not.  It's very confusing for you and you will wind up hurt because he will be getting his cake and eating it to and you won't be satisfied with that.  I wish you luck, it's not about you and him anymore but about that little boy.  He needs his mommy to be strong.
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Avatar_f_tn
you guys have to remember it isn't just about you guys anymore. you have a special child together. you're decision need s to be what is the best for my child. and how you explained in you're thread it doesnt sound like a good situation. i think you need to move on. i know easier said than done but you gotta be strong for you're son good luck
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342988_tn?1299785956
ammanda- i feel your pain about trying so hard for a baby and having it fall apart.  it happened to me.  me and my fiance had 2 MC's before we had jaedyn.  we had him and by the time jaedyn was 6 months old, we separated.  even though children are the best gifts ever, they also change a relationship no matter what.  its up to both people to realize this and make sure they are still helping one another with their feelings as well as focusing on the lil one.  we broke up for 3 months and he talked to someone else and i kind of was emotionally drained for those 3 months.  we both decided we wanted to work on things after 3 months but i wont lie, it was hard.  all i thought of was him hanging out with another girl and how could he leave me and his son.  but we both worked very hard on acknowledging one another feelings.

It seems like both of you were very hurt by your lack of support for one another and both went out and slept with others for self satisfaction and maybe to subconsciously get back at the other, and it obviously just made each of you feel bad.

My best suggestion is when your both ready, sit down and really talk out your feelings, what each of you needs from the other and how you can work together and it NEEDS 2 people for things to get better, not just one putting their all in and having nothing in return.  You both also have to make an agreement that no matter how hard it may be, to not throw the sex with others at one another.  it wont get you any where besides upset.  I think you both have to discuss it and work through it but no matter how mad you are dont use it as a weapon.

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1123420_tn?1350564758
Omg I just typed a huge thing, and went to post it and the internet screwed up. im so freaking mad now.  i dont wanna type it again. so im just gonna let it go and just say thank you guys for all the help and advise.

I am slowly falling out of love with him everyday.  I dont deserve this and neither does Cole
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676912_tn?1332816151
You said it yourself. You don't deserve this and neither does Cole. Be you and a mom for now, you'll find love again and when you do you'll know when it's right.
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