I was hospitalized....

Hey ladies! Im sorry I haven't been on in a long time. I admitted myself into a hospital for post partum depression. It had gotten extremely bad to where I needed to get help. I was released today, and im doing a lot better, although the anxiety and depression is still here. My doc put me on meds and I am attending a day hospital from 8am till 3pm starting the 5th of Nov for a month. I will also be seeing a therapist on a regular basis to help me with some unresolved issues. Conner is doing wonderfully, DH had all the kids on his own while I was gone, but he handled it very well.

I had an extreme emotional meltdown, where I attempted something I never thought I would. But going into a pshyciatric(sp) hospital really opened my eyes. I am doing a lot better, and I do not plan on going back lol. It was h e l l but well worth it.

I hope everyone is doing okay, Did Amanda(MJ_Mommy_Manda) have her little Jayden yet? What all did I miss?

I sure am glad to be back!

[ashiepooh]

Yeah she  (Manda) got induced on Thursday!  

I'm glad your back!  I was wondering what had happened, and figured it was something to do with the depression or maybe you were really busy.  I'm glad your doing better!

How did hubby like having all 3 to himself?

[BTS1022]

Ashie- He was very overwhelmed lol, he sure is happy to have me home I can say that much. He said he now understands why I yelled at him about helping so much, and that he can see that he took what I did around the house for granted.

Im glad everyone here is doing well.

[ashiepooh]

Thats good that he understands a bit better!  hehe  He should be lucky your not gone for more then 9 months...  :-)  hehe!  

Yeah if you search through the threads for one called "For Riot"  her birthing story is in there.....Poor girl!  Her little girl is quite the cutie though!  :-)

Hmmm, I can't remember if anyone else has had their baby, i've been really out of it since i've been sick for like over 2 weeks now.  I'm a foggy mess in my head lol...

Has Conner settled down a bit with his night time being awake?  And the formula is still working good?

[BTS1022]

Conner is doing much better with his days/nights, and the formula he is on is working wonders so far. I will have to search the threads for Riots birthing story, Im anxious to see how everyone is doing. Although I was gone for a wekk, I feel like it has been months lol.

[honeybear56]

Well im happy that you are back and that you are okay. I dont know what you are going through but i know that everything will come together. Hope to hear from you.

[ashiepooh]

i found it, i'll bump the thread to the top for you!

[ashiepooh]

I am glad Conner is doing better!  

[BTS1022]

I read her thread....WOW that had to su ck really bad! I feel for her, I really do. I can say although im happy to be home....im actually scared sh!tless lol. Im still a nervous wreck, but I think after a few days I will be okay. I really hope no one else has to go through PPD like I have, it gets bad, and is very hard to recognize sometimes.

I hope Riot is doing better, and that she is home and able to enjoy her little bundle of joy. I seen her pics of Ivy and she is absolutley beautiful! She looks like her mommy!

Im glad I didnt need a c/s because her story scared the cr ap out of me lol.

[ashiepooh]

Yeah, she is leaving posts and seems to be better!  Just can't stay warm.  

I made my hubby read her story, and said, this is why I opt out of it, and he had this look on his face, like he was scared sh!tless!  Ah I couldn't imagine going through that.  

So the day class you'll be going to, is that like a group therapy thing?  I really hope everything works out great for you!  Atleast your man is here this time around, and is more than willing to help out!  Not very many guys are all that willing.  Is Conners wee wee(had to say it cause i heard it today lol) all better?  Or doing better, I should say?  

[msgorgeous]

BTS
glad to hear your doing alot better and glad to see you back yay :) glad conners doin great also

[BTS1022]

I know all to well about the *keeping warm* issue. I have been having pretty bad night sweats too, I know it's all from the hormones, and just something else that occurs often after giving birth. Im going to be speaking to my OB about it if mine doesn't stop or slow down, as it has been 2 weeks already.  

I am very thankful and lucky to have my DH, he is a wonderful man indeed. My day class, which is called day hospital is like being back in a Pshyciatiric hospital, but just during the days, it is group therapy, individual therapy, and occupational therapy...which is like arts and crafts lol. It also has an exercising group for post partum mothers which is awesome.

I haven't seen Conner's wee wee since being home lol Hubby has been giving me time to readjust to being home with everyone so that I dont get the feeling of being overwhelmed again. He is starting to stir in his crib because it's about time for him to eat again, so I will be taking a peek here shortly lol.

DH took him to his follow up appontment yesturday, and the doc said everything is going good, he lost 5 ounces of body weight, but should start regaining weight soon. The doc said his wee wee was healing nicely and we dont have to put the gauze and A&D ointment on it anymore.

I do feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed at the fact that I had to admitt myself into a hospital for suicidal thoughts, I am very ashamed for what I did, I ended up taking a whole bottle of tylenol, and hubby found me in the tub and had to call 911, I had my tummy pumped with nasty charcoal, and I feel absolutley horrible for what I put him through, he was a mess for a few days.

Im just glad it's done and over with, and that I got the help I needed, but I feel guilty because I should have gotten help the second I felt overwhelmed. I didn't really plan on taking the pills, I just did it on impulse, and Im just very thankful DH found me in time to get me help, because I couldn't imagine leaving him here wifeless and my children motherless.

[ashiepooh]

Well, I am surely glad he found you in time!  I don't think you should really blame yourself either for it, because it's something that happens sometimes.  I wouldn't be ashamed either.  You should be proud of yourself!  You took the steps you needed to help you and your family because you were feeling the way you were!  I am very glad that your hubby is letting you adjust to being home as well!  

That is very good that his wee wee is doing good!  I'm sure he'll chunk up real good.  I love those chunky little thighs, and cheeks on babies!!!  Awww I can't wait for my baby now!  hehehe  :)

I think that is awesome they have a post partum group to exercise!  And arts and crafts, that is the best!  Always a stressfree solution there!!    

[LACh1]

Your story sounds very similar to mine when i had my first baby.  Although i didn't have the suicidal thoughts or ever attempt anything like that, i did have to check myself into a PPD hospital and was there off and on for 3 weeks.  The hospital was great and really helped me through a very tough time.  I was extreamly anxious and was getting panic attacks and was so overwhelmed by the resposibility of this new baby i was a real mess.  I too was given medication and was on that until my little one was 8 months.  I was feeling alot better though by the time i came out of the hospital and she was then 5 weeks old and each day got easier and better from there.  I think i huge contributing factor to my PPD was sleep deprivation and just doing too much and not looking after myself enough. I had a c-section and i think i just didn't give enough thought to how much my body had just been through with the pregnancy, birth and major operation.  It is such an emotionally and physically draining time that you really need to lean on everyone for support and accept all help you can get. I think there is a reason that some cultures don't let their new mothers out of bed for a month or only let them look after themselves and baby while everyone else cooks, cleans and deals with other children.  
Although our friends and families are there for us and our husbands do the best they can we seem to take on so much ourselves at this time that it is no wonder so many of us find it difficult to cope.  Getting depression, anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed are more common than alot of people think and it is not until you have it or a friend has it  and you start to talk about it that you relise just how much it is out there.
There is no need to feel embarressed or ashamed of yourself because depression makes us extream and desparte and we are not really thinking like ourselves.  You are very brave for getting help so quickly as the faster it is treated the quicker it can start to be resolved.  I too went to a class that sounds similar to yours and it was a big help - mostly just to be around others who were feeling like i was and who understood that it wasn't that i didn't love my child and that it wasn't just all in my head and i should just snap out of it.
This time around i started to see my doc at 25 weeks (now 35weeks) and have been going every month. I am going back on my meds 2 weeks before the birth so that hopefully if there is a dramatic hormone drop  like last time the meds will already be in place and working so the fall wont be so bad.  I have planned a csecion so i know what to expect and no the gender of my baby so there is no surprises.  I know this might sound all to planned to some but for me and my anxiety issues it was the best choice for me to help avoid PPD again.

I hope all continues to improve for you and it sounds like you are on the right track with getting help and having a wonderful support nextwork and husband. Remember you will have good days and bad but the bad days will get fewer and they won't be as bad as those first terrible days before the help arrived.

[BTS1022]

Thanks! I just fed and changed Conner for the first time since being home. It was a very good feeling to have him in my arms again, but kind of nerve wrecking. He was having a hard time latching on and was just spitting the formula out, so hubby had to show me how he has been doing it, I just felt a bit out of tune, like a car needing an oil change lol. I know the uneasyness and anxiety is just part of what im going through and it should pass in a few weeks.

I just feel I dunno lol weird I guess.

[BTS1022]

Lach1

Thank you so much, It does help to hear that others have experianced what im going through right now, although I dont wish these feelings on anyone, but since I know im not the only person it does help hearing from others like me. I noticed tonight while feeding and changing Conner, I was very uneasy. Something that hurts me, because I was always a very strong mother with all my other babies. I actually feel like a 1st time mother again, so much so that I literally shake when changing a diaper or feeding. I have hubby sit with me while doing it to make sure Im doing okay incase I have to hand Conner to him.

I know I will be okay, and I do plan on leaning on my family as much as possible, but not to the point where im 100% relying on them to raise my child. I do love Conner with all my heart, and I would never change what I have for the world.

I plan on just taking it one step at a time, I know these first few days home will be the hardest, but I also know that it will get better soon.

Once again thank you for sharing your story/advice, it does really help to know that other women went on to being able to care for their babies, and heal emotionally just fine.

[LACh1]

you're welcome - anytime you need to talk just let me know, i am generally on here everyday and then some lol.
I was the same with the shaking and was very emotional about everything - i was scared to be left alone in case something went wrong and would become upset if my husband went out of the room. But you are right it does get easier and you do become less scared and worried.  If i was asked at that time if i would have more children the answer would have been a very disappointed and emotional no, but here i am back pregnant again and was ready and raring awhile before that happened so like you said one day at a time and no pressure on yourself to feel a certain way about anything - i  used to say Charlotte was what made me feel this way but she was also the thing that made it all better.  Try to get outside in the yard for a while each day as this used to  help me feel better, staying cooped up only seemed to make me more miserable - my doc always said to me 'fake it until you make it - which meant try to act happy, have you shower, eat your food and play with your children and one say you will relise you are doing these things not because you are forcing yourself but becuse you are generally happy to do it.

[Linzola1]

I missed you! I am glad to hear that you are feeling better!

[martikadragoon]

BTS< I delt with what I had conflicted thoughts about. I thought it was either PPD or depression normally just due to the situation I had. (I know you've read my posts on TJ so I don't need to go into it here and hijack the thread lol)
However, it got so bad that I'd burst out crying for no reason at all at all hours. I didn't want to eat anything, and I was horribly moody. I waited it out and it was tough. I kept in close contact with my doctor and they said if I thought I truly needed it they were there for support. If it had lasted even a week longer I'd have gone in for some help because I was a useless wreck or at least felt like one... It got alot better once TJ came home but I hope I don't go thru that with my next baby. It was horribly tough to handle... and I have had Suicidal depressions in the past due to crappy life situations. (long time ago when I was 11 and again when I was 16) I was never clinically diagnosed, but I guess now I am because its in my chart at my OB's office.

I'm glad you went and got the help you needed and truly deserved. Just deal with it one day at a time, or even one hour or feeding for you little one at a time... whatever helps you get thru your days, until this resolves and you begin feeling more normal self more often!

[LauraB78]

I am glad to see you back and wanted to say that you shouldn't feel ashamed. I am worried I will have PPD as well as I have a history of depression.

I want to thank you for sharing your story. It gives the rest of us signs to look for and also lets us know that it happens to "normal" people! =)

Again, I am proud you are getting help, and thanks for sharing your story. All upward from here!! =) I am psyched Conner is doing well and happy to hear that your DH has been supportive through everything!!

((hugs!))

Laura

[BTS1022]

Thanks Ladies! I went ahead and took night shift with Conner...Although I made hubby get up and watch me with him incase I needed to hand him off. It felt amazing, even though I was exhausted, It was easier to feed and change him lastnight, I didn't feel 100% normal lol as I was still a bit uneasy about it, especially at 3am when Conner was WIDE awake and I wanted to go to bed. DH coaxed me in putting him in his crib to see how he would do, and Conner just layed there and talked to himself with no crying or fussing, and eventually sucked his thumb until he fell asleep an hour later. I stayed up in the living room incase he started crying, when he cries or would start to cry after I fed, changed, and burped him, it made me feel like I hurt him or had done something wrong, so it would literally rip my insides apart.

BUT I know I can get through this. I have a very supportive husband and family who are all here if I need them. My FIL and his wife are coming to see us next weekend and to help out. DH and I will get a hotel the day after Halloween and just be with eachother for a night alone without the stressors of 3 children lol.

Then in Nov DH's mom is coming to help out, although she means well, with her history she will not be left alone with my children lol, she will also be getting a hotel room instead of sleeping here.

So other than that im doing okay today. My step mom took Michael and Aiden to church this morning, I made my coffee and took a shower, DH is doing laundry, and Conner is in his crib sleeping.

[sweetangel7]

I haven't been on much lately and I just came across this...I am glad you were able to reach out and get help.  I am sure you are glad to be home...My stepfather has been hospitalized a number of times for his bipolar and I know how bad it can get in those hospitals!  It sounds like you've got your support in place and everything will keep getting better =)