My partner wants me to have an abortion

Question

Im 33 years old and my partner is 44. We got together when I was only 19 and he was 31, he had previously been married for 12 years and had 3 children with his ex wife, that didn't bother me and I excepted his children into my life and tried to be the best step mum possible. After 1 year of being together I fell pregnant, he was very upset and begged me for an abortion, but I said no and moved out as i do not agree with abortions. He decided after a few days that he would man up to his responsibilities and we got back together and we had a little girl. Our daughter is now 11 and his other children are 23, 21 and 17. I recently found out that I was pregnant again and after 14 years together he is reacting the same way as he did before. He has told me that there is no other option than to have an abortion, he doesn't want anymore children and says we cant afford it. He says im forcing him into a position that he doesn't want to be in and that he is not going to back down on his decision. My friends and family all think I should keep it as they know I have always wanted another child. I really don't want an abortion. Im 33 years old and feel this could be my last opportunity. I know if I have an abortion for him I will end up hating him and resenting him for the rest of my life, but if I keep it I stand to loose him and my daughter looses her parents living together. She over heard us arguing about it last night and now she is very upset about the whole situation. She inst bothered either way about having another baby brother or sister, she is more concerned about her parents being together and us all being in the same house. I know I cant make my decision based on that but its really hard and upsetting. Im really confused and don't know what to do for the best. I really dont want to be a single parent and I love my partner so much, I know if I have this baby he will never forgive me and he will more than likely leave me. Either way I just cant see light at the end of the tunnel :((

Spiket77 · Answer

You are a strong woman! Best wishes to you and your new baby! I hope that your partner stops freaking out and is there with you through this. 15 years and another child are involved and I understand why you want to keep your family together. I really want this all to work out for you.

PatyMoon · Answer

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had an abortion at 16 and not a day goes by that I wish I wouldn't have ever stepped in that clinic. It's my biggest regret and I wish I could take it back. I'm 28 now and I'm having my first baby in August. I swore never to have kids due to my guilt, I felt I didn't deserve it but getting pregnant changed my life. At 4 weeks my baby was the size of a grain of rice but its little heart was still beating. I'm 9 weeks now, he/she is the size of a grape and its little toes and fingers are forming. This isn't about your partner. This is about your baby, whether its the size of a grain of rice its still your baby. Having a beautiful, healthy baby in your arms is nothing to regret. Not giving your baby the chance to be held in your arms is a huge regret. Good luck and please think this thoroughly.

hansen20 · Answer

im so happy for you hun! you go girl!=) hugs and congrats on your pregnancy

Lesley27 · Answer

I just want to say that i agree that you are doing the right thing, and i really like the comments about what you are showing your daughter in the end...and she might not understand whats going on right now but when she grows up im sure she will be so proud of your choice... i cant believe your guy would demand you to abort with no options, that is aweful and your right this could/would be your last chance for another baby as he has made it clear that even if you abort that there wouldnt be any chances in the future... stay strong and i do agree that it sounds like you do have support from your family and thats awesome! you can and will get through this... i do hope he mans up and comes around but if he doesnt then he isnt much of a man in the end... again good luck, congrats on your little bean, and always remember how strong you are!

sorenr · Answer

well done you, no-one should put you in that position and at the very least it sounds like you have a very supportive family if you do end up separating. Us mums will cope with whatever we have to and you will find many supportive voices on this site whenever you may need them. Lots of folk with lots of experiences to share and it really does help sometimes to get a completely new perspective on things from people outside the situation. best of luck to you, life may not be easy for a while but it will all fall in to place in the end...congratulations to you (and your daughter will be a very proud big sister even if she doesnt want to admit it yet!!)

Heatherm4 · Answer

I'm glad you are keeping your baby! :) And I hope for your family's sake that he gets some sense knocked into him and realize what he's actually putting everyone through! 
Take care and I guess someone should finally say Congrats!

kfrasher · Answer

Yay!! Good for you..;-) be the strong woman your capable of!! Head up hun..we are here for you anytime!!

booboo33 · Answer

OMG. I would like to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to write a little note back to me! Yesterday when I found this website I didn't actually expect any type of reply or reaction. I was simply just venting my worry's, concerns and thought by putting it in writing that just maybe someone would give me some advice......and WOW so many loving, caring responses from people that have been in my situation and know what I am going through. I am VERY grateful to each and every one of you. My update is that I went to see the doctor today with a urine sample, I basically have till next Monday to make my decision and I have an appointment with him and a councillor to discuss the situation and moving forward being with the pregnancy or going for a termination. I know that I do not want to have a termination and therefore my partner has 2 choices. I WILL be strong and the ball is going to go firmly back in his court with 2 options he can either be in this baby's life or not, either way its going to happen !! It is more of a choice than he is giving me! I am hoping that he will come around to the idea and we can move on in a happy relationship. I do love him dearly and really do not want to be apart from him or a single mum. 15 years is a long time to be with someone, but I simply do not think I would be able to handle the mental and emotional side of going through a termination. Thank you again for all your messages of support, they did make me cry but in a nice way xxxx

JayBee26 · Answer

There is no way in hell anyone should put their loved one in that position that's horrible. Do what you believe in your heart is the right thing to do. It sounds to me like a lack of respect for personal beliefs but I could be mistaken. I personally would say keep the baby btw.

snickers83 · Answer

I think you should keep it. Most wonen who get an abortion end up regreting it later in life. A child is not an inconvience but a gift from God. He isn't a man worth keeping if he can't take care of his responsibilities. You have family, friends and God that will provide for you. Think about you and your unborn baby who doesn't have a voice. Be strong. Its about what you want too.

snickers83 · Answer

I think you should keep it. Most wonen who get an abortion end up regreting it later in life. A child is not an inconvience but a gift from God. He isn't a man worth keeping if he can't take care of his responsibilities. You have family, friends and God that will provide for you. Think about you and your unborn baby who doesn't have a voice. Be strong. Its about what you want too.

stacey10 · Answer

I totally agree with everyone elses opinion, but I would actually show him the open door and help him out with my foot!! If he loved you there is no-way he would ask you to get an abortion, you dont do that to someone you lkove...at all, he should be supporting you, of course your daughter doesnt care either way, she probably has no idea of what you would have to go thru, you have already said so yourself, if you do have an abortion, you will probably end up by hating him, so your marriage wont last by doing that either, gather up all your inner strenght, bid him goodbye, and get the support of family, who by the sounds of it are already there to do that

Heatherm4 · Answer

I agree, everyone has really great points. Only you know what's best. Don't do anything for him or your daughter. He does sound quite selfish and unsupportive for someone who didn't take the precautions to prevent a baby that he doesn't want so much. He needs to either man up take care of what he made and get himself a vasectomy or let you live your life with your daughter and baby. If you choose to get an abortion, I really think it'll tear you apart and make you resent him and maybe even your daughter for trying to keep your family together. 
If he came around with her then who says he wont with this one? Stand your ground!!

Lenanbaby2 · Answer

Reading this post makes me so sad! I think that all the ladies responses have been great advice. I know you love your partner but he does not sound like a supportive man to me he sounds like he's being selfish. And your daughter may be upset at first but as she gets older I think she will learn to love and respect you more for the  decision you make to keep your child! Keep your  head up!

Mommy2bee312 · Answer

Your baby is a gift, knowing that you wanted another child, yoh should not have to sacrifice your baby because of some man who always insisted to abort & suggesting that to an expecting woman is so wrong. Every woman is strong when they have to be so if i were you id keep my child that i want & stand up for myself , teach your daughter something. Would you rather teach her to abort her child becuz of a man who obviously doesn't love her to accept her wishes & child or would you rather her be able to stand 10ft tall knowing she did what she really thought was right (whatever choice she made) & was able to live and not hate herself over a decision that wasn't hers??

kfrasher · Answer

Don't do what He wants...do what YOU want!!! Don't do it bc you fear he will leave you, it sounds to me like he doesn't value you as a woman OR mother..be strong and think of yourself n your baby...if you want another baby then keep it!! He's obviously made his choice, now you be strong n make yours!!! Head up hun n best wishes..;-)

hansen20 · Answer

im 20 years old my ex that i was with like now 7 months ago when i first told him i was pregnant he acted the same way. he also told me to get an abortion and i told him NO too. not only that i knew i was going to miscary that baby and i did at 9w2d back in july. but i left him then when i was talking to him he said he was telling everyone that he was going to be a daddy a week after i left and i think that was messed up. then i had to tell him i had a m/c and he cried on the phone when i told him. but this could be your last chance to have a baby do let him boss you around you know you can support your children! i know it might be hard but leave him if hes telling you to have an abortion. im so against abortions because i was never taught to have one because my choices were too keep my child or give it up for adoption but my choices were to always keep my children since i was 16 when i got pregnant then 17 i had my son then 18 i had my daughter then now im 20 and having my 4th pregnancy but this will be my 3rd baby.   i hope you keep your baby=) to me abortions are like murder i know it might upset some people about what i said but thats my oppinen and every one has one. rember with you 2 more years it would be harder for you to have children. you deserve to be that babies mom!

NickieG · Answer

If he was that against having an more children, then he should have insisted on getting HIMSELF a visectomy (my husband has insisted on this once we have our second and I understand his position). Otherwise, he is a grown man and knew the risks of having intercourse (protected or otherwise) and has no right to demand that of you if you do not believe in it. Frankly, if I we're in you position, I would tell him to grow up and deal with it, or he can deal with it while sending you support payments.

crysericag · Answer

I went through same thing. Either way your gonna hurt someone but it shouldn't be you or the unborn child. You will regret it and you and him will never make it regardless. I decided to have my baby I'm now 19 weeks with a boy and his daddy has came around

Danilynn617 · Answer

My baby's father told me I had to get an abortion because he could not support a child as is right now. He knows I am against abortions but still insisted on me getting one. He even told me that he would be there for me every step of the way. However if I kept the baby (which I am) that he wouldn't be there for me and I am on my own. Im extremely happy I didn't get the abortion because it would result in me hating him and myself. I couldn't be happier with my decision. Do I wish he were involved? Yes of course I do.. But is it going to make or break me and how I take care of myself and my baby? No of course not. My child is #1 to me right now and I wouldn't do anything different then what I have. Don't make a decision based off of him. Do what you think is right for you, because that is the only way you will be truly happy

Starzabove9 · Answer

Wow, hes putting you in a horrible position. At the end of the day I think you know what is right for you. You cannot let anyone make a decision for you because your the one that has to live with it. If your partner really loves you he'll accept your decision. A man that is willing to leave you because you decide to have his child lacks character and loves himself more than you. it is more important for your daughter to live in a loving healthy home with one parent then to live with two arguing parents that resent each other and may grow to hate each other. You have to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. Lean on your friends and family for support.

mamaof4410 · Answer

I agree with mamabear. I wouldn't do it. If you were having unprotected sex he knows the results. If you want to keep your baby then do it. Do not let him tell you what you're going to do. 
Sit down with him and have a really good talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel.

MamaBear0612 · Answer

It's your body and your life, therefore it's your choice. Never get one for somebody else; if you do get an abortion only do it because YOU want to. He may or may not stay, but that's your child in there, and a man who forces you to choose is not worth keeping. Good luck with you and your children; your little girl will be fine and you'll do just fine on your own if you need to.