Need advice :(

[princess_erinn]

I'm 20 years old, 15 weeks pregnant and me and my boyfriend broke up bc he wanted an abortion and I didn't. I should just accept that fact but I can't ik its causing stress on my baby and it's not healthy... I just don't know how to move on from something that nothing was wrong but he doesnt want a kid right now :( this is selfish of me to even want to talk to him if he doesn't want our baby... Any advice? 

[cminamyer]

I'm not saying this about your particular situation because as you have just stated you have talked and you two are trying to work through this...that's good for you guys. I hope everything works out for the best and you are both able to be great parents.

I will post my own opinion in the forum about weather a women should be able to make the choice for a man. Because you have made the choice for your baby's father...he doesn't get one but you do.

[princess_erinn]

Me and have decided to work something out without going through the court but I did tell him I won't hesitate if anything happens. And I disagree with some of you he normally weights 200 pounds and had less than a week to get to 174 not eating and stress with school is overwhelming and I understAnd that with everything going on with the baby n his personal stress he's freaking out and I think after wrestling season is over his attitude is going to change so I'm hopeing for the best thank you all for your advice and I'll keep you guys updated if anything happens

[kimmery]

good luck princess_erinn. i went through something similar with my daughter: had an unplanned pregnancy and her father wanted/pressured me to abort. we stayed together during the pregnancy but shortly split after she was born as our relationship became problematic for a few reasons, but a big one was that he RESENTED me for choosing to continue the pregnancy. while i *somewhat* understood his perspective -- that he wasn't looking to become a father at the time -- i also wasn't trying to get pregnant and wasn't looking to become a parent, but the difference is that i dealt with it and acted responsibly. life does not always work out how we plan, and in IMO he needs to get over his issues and step up ASAP.

[kimmery]

i completely disagree with you that she should not ask for child support -- it is his child, he is partly responsible and he SHOULD pay. it doesn't matter that he didn't want to have a baby -- this girl wasn't looking to get pregnant and this falls under the category of 'life' and things that happen. he needs to grow up and take responsibility. the fact is, it is still ultimately the mother's choice whether or not to continue a pregnancy and that is the way it ought to be. another good point is that if erinn doesn't pursue child support it will be the child who pays, ultimately. child support payments are the LAW and there are legitimate reasons for this.

good luck princess_erinn. i went through something similar with my daughter: had an unplanned pregnancy and her father wanted/pressured me to abort. we stayed together during the pregnancy but shortly split after she was born as our relationship became problematic for a few reasons, but a big one was that he RESENTED me for choosing to continue the pregnancy. while i *somewhat* understood his perspective -- that he wasn't looking to become a father at the time -- i also wasn't trying to get pregnant and wasn't looking to become a parent, but the difference is that i dealt with it and acted responsibly. life does not always work out how we plan, and in IMO he needs to get over his issues and step up ASAP.

[MsKitty84]

Also -- child support is not a revenge thing, ok? Asking for it doesn't make you a bad person. Child support is about the CHILD. Babies take money. And babies don't get created without male participation.

For example, we've spent more than a year dealing with a teen pregnancy case in our own family. The girl got pregnant on purpose. The boy was sexually inexperienced and he got tricked. Both parents are minors, and they've broken up and now live in different states. At present, there is an informal agreement between the families for the father to provide X amount monthly for the child's diapers, formula and other direct needs. When he is of age, I am sure formal child support will become an issue. This will affect both of them for the rest of their lives. Is it fair?

I look at it this way. The mother had to go through the physical pain and issues involved with birth. She's dropped out of school.  She has full, albeit informal, custody and is responsible for day-to-day childcare. And she wasn't the only one who chose to have sex. What's not right is to expect only the mother to end up dealing with 100% of the natural consequence of sex -- pregnancy -- for the next 18 years, just because the father doesn't want to.

[MsKitty84]

It does not matter whether he wanted this baby or tried to avoid causing this pregnancy or not. He is still responsible, and bullying you into an abortion would not absolve him of his part in this. Asking for a reasonable level of child support is your right. Hopefully, though, you can work out a fair solution together without getting the courts involved.

A lot of men are still extremely immature in their early 20s, and college culture, television, their buddies, sometimes even their families are all right there to tell them it's A-OK. Heck, mine's in his 30s, college grad, has a job and still took his time coming around. Sure he's stressed, but guess what? So are you. It's not an excuse for this kind of behavior.

For some young men (and women), a situation like this could be the best thing that ever happen to them because they're forced to grow up. For others, it'll prove to be a relationship killer and a source of lifelong resentment. Your partner was upfront with you from the very beginning about not wanting children right now, and tried to prevent it. Accidents happen. Should he get over it and step up? Yes, but that doesn't guarantee he will. The choice is up to him.

[Kelci0104]

Only 2 things in life are certain, death and taxes.
I can't tell you if he'll come around, but from everything you say I think he will. He has a good support behind him with his step mom saying he should be more involved. But in the end he will have to choose wrestling or family or you will have to choose to be a part time single mom like military wives do. (not saying military life is easy by any means)
Each relationship is different, I married my high school sweetheart, not everyone is so lucky. I'm sure you will find what works out for you and your child, whether it's him or not.

[Clysta]

If he is this stressed out now over this, how do you expect him to be once this baby is here? Children are extremely stressful and often cause problems in relationships. Life is about stress, he can't just ignore it until the time in convenient for him. Crinamyer makes some very good points. At least he is being honest. You're holding out hopes for something that will doubtfully ever happen.  

[mikaleen]

Yes, you can always add him later.  If he doesn't sign a voluntary acknowledgement of paternity at the birth he will not be on the bc anyway, you are not married so he would not be put on without his signed consent or a court ordered paternity test.

Anytime in the future he can sign the paperwork and be added.  That's what happened with my oldest daughter.  She was born out of state and we were not married so he was not on the bc until we finally got around to him signing the paperwork and mailing it to the vital statistics office where her birth was filed.

Good luck!

[princess_erinn]

Is there anyway that I don't put his name down on the bc right away then do it later?

[1st_timemommy19]

Totally agree with child support! I'm with aly_e. My dad left my mom && I was like why didn't you get him to give you child support??  She admitted it was dumb from her not to. If he doesn't care about you then honey... As much as you love that guy... Your kid is not gonna eat air or live.under a tree.... PLEASE GET CHILD SUPPORT... U WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DON'T!! I'm 20 just like you, but if my bf acted the same way.. sorry for him!
I hope he gets his thoughts straight && good luck! Keep us posted

[princess_erinn]

Just thinking though what his step mom said that "any man that makes his girlfriend choose between him or a baby has no right"

[princess_erinn]

Um I didn't know that antibiotics made it inaffective. The doctors did always ask about other medications n I always said my birth control not once did they say anything but they were probably more concerned in making sure my throat starts unswelling do I can breath. This isn't my fault. But thanks for your opinion. And if he's willing to tell me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and wants kids someday I think he will come back he called me tonight and asked if I didn't put him down on the birth certificate and telling me he does care about me he's just not in the right mental state right now which I understand he usually weigh 200 he's at 175 but supposed to be at 174 he hasn't ate n a couple days. And said that things will get better and he wants to be with me he just can't stress. So as for paying for child support I know he's struggling with loans and a fine but I have loans and credit debt too. Like he can help out its not like hes not going to be n his kids life just my opinion after everything happened.  

[cminamyer]

It doesn't sound like he was some guy that just had sex and didn't think about the consequences.  You say that he reminded you to take your birth control which means he was trying to be smart about it. He could have done better and used a condom, but yeah I'm sure he will next time.  With you being on birth control you should have know that antibiotics can cause your birth control to be ineffective. If you've ever read the pamphlet that comes with the pills it will tell you exactly that. Also, any Dr. that prescribed your medication should have asked if you were taking any other kinds of medication. They should have warned you that antibiotics could have this affect and to use another form of contraception.  This falls to you and your Dr. your boyfriend though he was doing what he needed to prevent a pregnancy, so he got blindsided by it.

I don't agree that you should force him to be a father. You want to be a mother and that's awesome...it's the best thing in the world. But you can't blame him, you knew how he felt before and after you conceived, he's not trying to hide his feelings he's being honest.  I think it's pretty messed up to try and collect child support also...just my opinion. (not saying you will try this, just commenting on an above post)

[leesha89]

I have 2 kids pregnant with 3rd to my soon to be husband first 2 kids have diff dads. 1st bf didnt want her stuck around tho till i was 7 months preg acting like he was happy and then one day he left and dated my best friend. 2nd child 2nd bf well i found out at 12 weeks my 1st baby was only 3 months old. and he was trying to make me have an abortion i didnt and he did make my life difficult throughout my pregnancy but he was tehre when she was born and has loved her ever since. we dont get along. but some times it takes them to see what theyre missing to realise what they had... not all guys come back my oldest girl is now 5 and has never seen her dad. it is really sad but its life.. and only u can make the right decision for you

[princess_erinn]

I was on birth control, so neither one of us suspected to get pregnant. He reminded me every day to take it. Bc we weren't ready but I was breaking out in hives and went the the doctors a couple times they were giving me antibiotics steroids and shots and nobody told me that something canceled out my birth control. So he blames me for getting pregnant and kept saying I trapped him. Honestly i should have gave up on him a while ago know its just harder.

[Clysta]

I agree with the others--do not make excuses that he is stressed. Stress is a part of life that we have to deal with,  and if you didn't use protection, pregnancy was only a matter of time. He has shown you he doesn't care, so move on. Sadly, this is more common than many girls think which is why we stress so much to think long and hard about having a baby with their partner.

[princess_erinn]

Thank you all I'm just going to try to not think about him and yea I was planning on inviting his mom and step mom. Hopefully he'll come around but his loose. Now I just have to keep telling myself that every time I think about him

[aly_e]

If hes not going to be there.... Theres a great thing called child support. Seriously that will hit him as hard as his reaction to your blessing hit you. Men are so mean and hateful sometimes. Keep your head up and invite his family to your bby shower.

[chantelleAlyce]

This is your baby and your choice and if he doesn't want it , its his lose in the end he looses both you and this beautiful baby. Try not to stress to much and just think of your baby , I no its hard. But a lot of men just don't think there ready and can't cope with having the responsibiltys , but honestly if there having sex then they better be ready to take responsibilty for what could happen. Maybe he will come around. With my sons dad. He freaked out and left me when he found out I was pregnant , I cut all ties with him because he went onto drugs and I didn't want my baby around that. It was hard but the right decision. Once my baby was born his mum told him how beautiful the baby was and he wanted to be involved, I told him not unless he gets his life on track his not seeing either of us. I'm happy to.say he has got it on track , he hasn't touched a smoke or drug since then and his such a great dad now. He admits he was just scared. Now were expecting our next baby, and getting a house together. :) so maybe he might grow up and realize what is the right decission.

[braaten2187]

I don't understand the guys. If you don't want kids keep it in your pants because that's the only guaranteed way to prevent that. If your boyfriend doesn't want to responsibility for getting you pregnant than you and your baby are much better off without him. I didn't expect my girlfriend to get pregnant because she had the IUD but she did. I stayed with her and supported her every step of the way and he should be doing the same for you. And it doesn't matter what stress he is going through. Don't make excuses for his stupidity. He is going to regret this later on.

[princess_erinn]

But his reasons just don't make any sense like he's scared of his dad finding out, grow up ur 21 and you don't live at home he's gonna find out eventually his dad lives down the street from me. And he wants to have a family with me but he just said not now bc he wants to finish school but I'm not stopping him from that I told him I wanted him to finish everything

[princess_erinn]

Thank you :) I just hope after wrestling season he realizes everything bc I understand that he's trying to cut weight and stressed with school. So I'm just hoping that he clears his head n realizes. It just ***** laying here thinking he's out doing whatever n right now he doesn't want me.

[cminamyer]

Honestly he told you what he wanted...what he could live with. He should have thought better about it when he got you pregnant and if he couldn't live with the out come he should have been more careful. But he told you he didn't want the baby, he's being honest about it (an a$$, but honest). You made the decision you could live with, which I would have made in your situation. So you have to deal with it and not expect anything from him. It's not ideal but you've each made your own choices. He doesn't have a right to ask you to give up your baby and you can't force him to be a father :-(