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Avatar universal

No Sex Drive? Help!

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. My fiance and I live together and have only had sex maybe 4 times since I found out I was pregnant. The weeks before I actually found out were rough too. Not only is it just the fact that my sex drive is gone, but when we do have sex it hurts me. It hurts during, after, and days after. Like I have tiny cuts down there or something. Ive had exams and there seems to be no underlying cause for this. My fiance fiand it extremely frustrating and this is putting alot of stress on out relationship. He has even threatened to sleep with other girls. I want to think that deep down he wont do this and hes ony saying it to scare me into giving in and hurting myself to have sex with him. I cant even give him oral or kiss him because even kissing him makes me gag. You could imagine how frustrated I am and I just get so upset I am scared that it isnt healthy for the baby. My fiance is 21 years old, and I am 20. We have been togther for 3 years and have been engaged for 2. I do not see why he cant understand. He thinks I use the pregnancy as an excuse to not have sex with him, and it makes him feel unappreciated.  Someone please just give me some advice on any or all of this. I dont know what to do anymore.
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Avatar universal
Well everyone, things are going ALOT better. I dont know what made him grow up for the time being, but he has really been a little more understanding.
Helpful - 0
875268 tn?1332768851
Hun, the way I see it you really need to think carefully about this whole marriage thing. From what I've read he's hurtful, pushes you into things and if you dare complain he gets angry. I never minded any partner of mine watching porn, as long as I didn't hear/see/notice it and it didn't interfere with our sexlife. For him to say 'well I'm not getting any from you, so I'll just refuse to sleep next to you' is seriously silly. I doubt that he's ever concidered the fact that you might need hugs and cuddles more than sex now that you're pregnant. Also, you hear a lot of times that after marriage this kind if behaviour gets worse, because the guy thinks that you can't possibly leave him now and he can just do whatever he wants. He sounds like an irresponsible boy who hasn't really outgrown his puberty hormones yet. Next time he want to go and sleep on the couch I'd tell him to stay there until he gets his act together and respects you.Sometimes it really is better to choose for yourself, especially when you're pregnant. Trust me, I know!
Helpful - 0
1656009 tn?1329322563
I am currently 26 wks and I understand totally what you're talking about only that it doesn't hurt me when have sex, my drive is just not there. At first my husband was a little whiney about not getting the attention that he was used to but soon he realized that it wasn't all about him anymore, but instead it was about me being comfortable while I was carrying his child. Pregnancy is a very important deal and the least amount of stress you have on you the better. You should focus on you and the beautiful baby that you're about to have. Everything will work out in the end.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
well as an update, yesterday was better. there was nothing hurtful said because there wasnt much said at all.

thanks everyone for your support.
Helpful - 0
1194973 tn?1385503904
That's horrible. You don't say stuff like that to someone you claim to love just to hurt them. Give it a little time and see if he comes around and changes. If not, I would really start looking into leaving him. He's putting sex above both your feelings and his child. If he's like this now, how's he going to act when there's a newborn in the house and you have no energy for it. It's disgusting for a male to act that way just to satisfy basic desires. Tell him next time he has hands and if it's that important he should know how to use them. :) Good luck, and I hope everything works out in your favour.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hes always gotten a little upset over sex. But not to the point where he tells me that hes gonna have sex with other girls, or that we should have and "open" relationship so we can still be together and mess around with other people. Im not down with that. I told him if he had sex with another girl he would never see me again. He mostly says these things just to upset me, but I just cant handle it. I cant man up and not cry over it. I cant help but to let him see how upset these things make me.Hes just crazy. Thats all there is to it. And I can only hope that I can make him understand SOON. Because Ive had it with this mess. Any time I think about some of the things he says, the only thing I can do is cry and wonder "Why does the person who claims to love me most hurt me like this?" and "What kind of idiot says these things to his pregnant fiance?"

Id like to scream at him at the top of my lungs, but we live in an apartment and I sure dont want my neighbors thinking Im the crazy one.
Helpful - 0
1194973 tn?1385503904
You don't sound whiny in the least, so please don't think that. We're hear to listen and help in anyway we can, so post and vent away.

My husband never got upset with me personally (I would have killed him if he did) because I had hyperemisis and was nauseated and vomiting every day and often. I didn't have the energy or desire to even think about sex, and on the off time we did it was a struggle to not vomit during. I do know many ladies who have had this issue, and sometimes it can be a sign that things will only get worse. From what you've described, sex is more important to him than your feelings, and you're right. You shouldn't give in just to make him happy or to keep him. There are many things far more important than sex in a relationship. I'm not too sure what advice to give (my main one would be that he's just not worth it) but I do understand wanting to try and work on the relationship. Has he always been this way?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
No one here is going to judge you and say your whiney. We all have problems sometimes and I feel more comfortable here talking about my problems than I would anywhere else.

I'm sure there are other women that have had this dilemma, but I'm not sure if there BF's acted this way. If I see that my DH really wants to and I don't I explain this to him and he understands. I haven't been through this but I wouldn't let him talk to me like that. He should see you are carrying his child and you deserve the most respect from him. Good Luck.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He has spoken with is friends. His friend he sees the most is the father of a one year old. Id have to say he is a bigger douchbag than my fiance so anything that comes out of is mouth could not be in my favor. His other bestfriend is currently expecting. Im good friends with his girlfriend and she says they still have sex all the time. She isnt having the same issues I am. My fiance doesnt realize that every pregnancy is different. From reading this everyne else is thinking the same thing I am. That my fiance is just a big a**hole and I probably shouldnt be with him in the first place. But we both want this reletionship to work, but the sex is a big deal to him, and I just dont feel like I should give in just to keep him. I know it would make him so much happier if I would just give him oral, but when he asks all crazy when I tell him no, its just hard to even try to please him when I actually feel like it because I know that it will only hold him for about three days. After that he will start his bullcrap again.
Im sure I sound whiney and yall are probably wondering why I dont just talk to someone else, but no one understands. I dont want anyone who knows him personally to look down on him for this, because at times he can be an awesome person. Its just at the end of the day, if he doesnt get screwed he turns into someone who I do not love and someone who obviously doesnt love me.

Has anyone else every experience theyre significant other getting mad because of sex??? Or is it just him?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im 27 weeks and my DH and I have sex maybe once every 2 or 3 days. Before I got pregnant it was everyday. It's going to get worse because as you get bigger it's going to get more uncomfortable. And he has NEVER threatened me that he will sleep with some else. He's 25 and when I was pregnant with my 2nd he was 21. He understands I'm tired and he says he can do with out because he's tired (he works 12 hr days) and he says he doesnt want to hurt me anyway. I couldn't imagine my reaction if he would say something like that. But HE needs to UNDERSTAND that you are pregnant and it is very uncomfortable for you to have sex. If he doesn't I'm sorry some can agree with me or disagree..It shows his maturity level even though he is only 21.
GOOD LUCK
Helpful - 0
1294482 tn?1354489288
Although I have no advice for you I want you to know you are not odd for feeling this way. I lose all sex drive with pregnancy. I know some people don't but for me it is very difficult. Pain is yes very common too. I wish I knew what to tell you but I think your fiance is being more than unfair. Pregnancy is a lot of work. Does he have other guys to talk to about this, maybe they can relate to him and tell him it is normal? I wish you the best.
Helpful - 0
1194973 tn?1385503904
If he doesn't think it's fair now, it isn't going to get any better. As pregnancy progresses it's going to get more and more uncomfortable and then after the baby is born you're going to be too focused on that to even think about sex. My daughter is 7 months old and in the past 16 months I've been sexually intimate with my husband less than 12 times, and I doubt it's even been that much. It's selfish of him to think this way or say what he is. Was this baby planned? If not, it might explain (but doesn't excuse) why he might be acting this way. Honestly...if sex is such an important part of the relationship to him that he's acting this way, you might really need to reconsider your relationship and different parts in it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ive tried talking to him. He just doesnt think its fair to him at all. And I know a counselor is out of the question. Thanks for the advice! I still feel so lost though. I hate knowing that when he gets home from work today its going to be the same thing. If we dont have sex before we go to sleep, or if I dont "releive him" as he puts it, then Im gonna have to cry myself to sleep while he sleeps on the couch and looks at porn because "its not like hes gettig any from me". I am so frustrated. I thought this was suppose to be happy time. I just feel like my life is being taken from me.
Helpful - 0
875268 tn?1332768851
Whoa! I don't think it's fair to threaten your pregnant fiancé that you will sleep with other women... Regardless of your pregnancy, that's just extremely harsh! Pregnancy hormones can cause a massive drop in libido (it usually comes back again halfway through your second or in your third trimester) and can also cause tenderness in your vagina. Remember, most of your blood is now being pumped towards your uterus, causing it to swell. It's not uncommon for sex to hurt when you're pregnant! I've also heard other stories of women being turned off by their partners, so it's not like you're the only one. I can see that it's frustrating, but like a lot of things pregnancy-related it's something you gotta work your way around.

Explain to your fiancé that while you're pregnant, there are a lot of things that can happen. He doesn't have to carry the baby around and suffer from all these things, you do. If he's inconsiderate enough to push you into sex whilst knowing it hurts you, I'd seriously consider going into pre-marital councelling. You're right: stress isn't good for the baby. Sex is something that should be enjoyed, not forced. In my experience, when I get pushed into having sex 'because otherwise my partner gets grumpy', I feel less inclined to do it. Talk to him and explain that he shouldn't put so much pressure on you, that would be my main advice.
Helpful - 0
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