OT- Am I crazy?

[LauraB78]

Hi everyone, I have been reading some of the posts, and it's like this is a whole different board than last year when I used to be a "frequent poster!" I wanted to ask a question. It seems like everyone is asking Ken & I if we are going to be planning to have a second child soon, and I can NOT even believe people would ask that. I feel like they are nuts! Jaxson will be 1 on January 16th, (can you believe how time flies?) and I am in no way, shape, nor form in a position to think of another child. I see many woman on here have a lot of children, so no offense to any of you, but what do I say to people who are pestering us? I think that it IS WAY TOO SOON to even consider. Our finances cannot support another child, and our relationship is still rocky. How do I politely tell people that we are not having another child anytime soon without them looking at me funny? I feel like there is a lot of pressure with lame excuses about how important it is for children to be close in age.. How do I say.. I would rather give my child(ren) everything I did NOT have, than have a bunch of children with no way to support their dreams and goals? I want to be able to provide WELL for Jaxson now & in the future, pay for his college, be able to send him out of the country in high school for the foreign language progam, etc.. I dont know many huge families that can do that for their children, and that type of thing is important to me.. Am I crazy?

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Simply turn the question around on them.  Smile, wink and say "when are YOU going to?"  or "when are YOU going to have a baby?"  I bet that will shut them up lol :)

[ammanda]

You shouldn't feel like you have to answer to anyone. If they ask then just say, "were not sure".  People ask me about more kids already and I'm only 23 weeks.lol. But I'm honest with them.. That I don't want anymore kids, All I ever wanted was one kid.  And now that I'm having him, I'm satisfied.  I did say before I found out what he was, that if it was a boy that I would try to have another cause I really wanted a girl. But then from the moment that I found out it was a boy, Automatically I realized that that's good enough for me.  I'm not the type to have tons of kids. lol.. I didn't even want any, up until the beginning of last year. When I got engaged to the man Ive been in love with for 8 years, we decided that we love each other, we know everything about each other, and that was the last thing we could do, to express our love.. And I couldn't be happier with the decision we made.. I already love my son more than anything.  It was hard for me to have this baby with him, I had to be sure that we could do it. Cause I refused to be a broken family. I was nervous of that, cause everyone's breaking up these days and barley any child has a mother and father that are still together. I grew up without a father, and I was not gonna let my baby do the same.  But it all worked out.. Just tell them your unsure of what you guys want at the time, and that your more focused on Jaxson right now, Cause he's only 1 and still needs alot of attention.. I don't believe in the whole close in age thing.. Most of the time when you do that, one kid feels left out or like their not getting enough attention. If you do have another I'd wait till he's old enough to understand what's going on and can be excited with you.  Good luck!!!

[Lance06]

First.....I agree the board has become different.....like we have many people missing....but also nice to see/read all the new members questions.

Secondly, Laura, I dont think your nuts. I have been here and read how your relationship has gone through leaps and bounds....and everything with Jaxson, so its your and Ken's decision on extending or not extending your family and when you choose to do it. I would personally just let anyone's questions/comments slide right off your shoulders!

I personally will have a 1 year old on Feb 3 and a newborn on February 16th....and I cant wait....But DH and I have a great relationship and we wanted kids close together (although this close together was NOT planned...lol....but gladly accepted!)

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree /w julianovak totally.  

We are very much the opposite in that I have 6 kids.  I actually get asked the opposite question.  Like when are you going to STOP having kids.  I consider that a rude question as well.  It's really not anyone elses business.  My husband works 2 jobs.  I quit my job after I had my last baby in Sept. and now stay home.  No one is paying our bills for us so until they do, they don't need to worry about how many kids we decide to have.

I guess the more you know someone or the better you know them, should I say, they just feel comfortable asking personal questions.  I'd just tell people that you don't feel ready (which is true) and change the subject.

[JoyRenee]

It's not offensive to women with more than one child that you don't want another! Everyone is different.

When people ask me if we'll have more babies I just tell them, "We'll see what happens!"

[Avanaar]

I say just come out and tell them the truth.  I know it's really none of their business, but if you say it short and matter-of-factly, maybe they'll just get the hint and shut up.  =D

I'm with Limonada on the age thing ... DH and I talked about having children and he wants to get all our baby-making done before he's 48 (which is 2 more years ... he'll be 46 in Aug).  He's 16 years older than me, and tho I still have many baby-making years, he's worried about being "too old" as they grow up.

One of the main reasons I wanted to try in Nov. was so that we would have an August baby (wanted a baby lion like his/her daddy! lol).  After #2, we'll see about a third.  =D

[need_answers_from_someone]

Now that I have had a miscarriage I realize how stupid those questions are.  Now when people ask if we are trying to have kids I always ask them a stupid question back like "so are you going to live in that small house for long or are you going to be upgrading soon" or "have you decided to have more kids or did you decide you have done enough damage to society"  and if I simply want to make them feel dumb I tell them that I have been trying but things are working out so thanks for bringing up a difficult subject.  That usually shuts them up!  Good luck to you.

[johannaviles]

Hey Laura! I could not agree with you more.  I had my second one when my girl turned four.  We really really thought about it before trying to get pregnant again. Kids are such a blessing, but also a big responsability.  We want to give our children the best we can provide, and that is why 2 will be our magic number.  I respect others point of view, but its just the way it will work for me.  I agree with bedfordgal, you're very smart, the world needs more people like you...

[mami1323]

Everyone has there own thoughts and feelings on the subject and you will get varying opinions.  You know exactly what's best for you and your family.  Plus I agree wholeheartedly, a baby adds so much stress and pressure to even the healthiest of relationships.  So if a relationship is already rocky, then it's best to work on that before adding more children.  

[BedfordGal]

you're very smart...a child should have two parents and should definately grow up in a loving environment...so if you don't think you can provide that then of course you wouldn't want another.  There really should be more people like you out there!

[LauraB78]

Thank you for your input, and I am sorry to hear you seem to be having complications? How scary. What's going on with that? Best of luck and keep me posted.

[LauraB78]

Oh, and just sort-of F.Y.I.- Ken & I aren't married. We have had an incredibly rocky relationship for the past nearly 3 years, and we don't want to ever be divorced (if possible), so this is another reason I think it is INSANE  for people to be asking us this question!! We haven't even reached a point in our relationship to consider MARRIAGE, no less a second child. I think some people are just nuts. Plus, Ken is older than I am (I am 31, he is 45) and he has been a bachelor most of his life. Jaxson was NOT PLANNED (protection isn't 100% and you CAN conceive while menstrating) so our relationship has come secondary to trying to do what we feel is in the best interest of our son. =)

[BedfordGal]

I hate that question...i think it's rude even. You'll have another when you're ready and not until then. That's nobody's business! I see too many people having lots of kids when they can't afford them and it makes me sick. You're very smart to be thinking the way you are..don't worry what others think. As soon as i had my first people started pestering me about another, telling me i can't have an only child..it wasn't fair. Well I was an only child and i turned out just fine so i'd be fine with just one.  We are 14 weeks pregnant (god willing the baby is still alive and i will find out tomorrow) with our second but it's not because of people asking and pushing...we were ready to try again and i would like to give my daughter a sibling but i never would have let anyone push me into it.  Just politely tell people that you'll have another when you're ready and if not then you won't.

[LauraB78]

Thanks everyone, I guess I just feel pressure for some odd reason. And I get really uncomfortable. I feel like that is a personal question. And I wasn't AT ALL trying to offend ANYONE. I have never desired a large family. I think 1-2 children is perfect, FOR US. I often think maybe we could have another child in another year or two so Jax has a sibling.But to me, it is imperative to be fiscally responsible when considering expanding my family. Children are incredibly expensive & a huge responsibility. I have 2 sisters, and my parents always provided us necessities and above. I just remember being so disappointed (and embarrassed) when I couldn't go to France on our foreign language trip. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that my parents just couldn't afford it, I just want to be able to provide such things for Jax. And Mami, you are 100% accurate. I do NOT wish to raise a spoiled child that has everything and anything he wants, that is not what I meant. I just meant when expenses arise for Jaxson to expand his horizons, I want to provide that if possible. I am lucky enough to stay at home with Jaxson (for now, anyway) and if we had another child, that would NOT be possible financially. I would rather wait until it is possible someday in the future, or just have Jaxson as our only child. I guess I have just been asked this question frequently lately, and I usually respond with "maybe" then people ask "when?!" I just think it's really personal and I get a little offended and defensive. I appreciate the input everyone, and again, I apologize if I have offended anyone, that was not my intent.

[Heatherm4]

Not crazy.....I would tell the people that are pestering you just how it is...and if they have a problem with it that's them. It's a little insensitive to ask a newlywed couple when they are going to have kids and it's just as insensitive to push more on other people. I've learned that since getting married actually. And it's a lot worse when you're trying and it's not happening and people push it on you. Just tell them..."when the time is right!!"

[mami1323]

I understand completely and get the financial aspect.  Children are expensive, I am not offended when you say you want to give your son everything, and by that I know you don't mean every toy in the toy store.  You want to be able to supply your child with a future.  Education isn't free in this country and if you want your children to have the best education possible, you have to have the money to be able to do that.  Love and care is important but it's not going to help if you are living in the streets.  Food costs money, diapers costs money, clothes costs money...being able to buy these things for 3 is expensive enough, now add more children to that equation and see the costs go up.  

As far as what to say when people ask when's the next, politely say, I don't know yet, my son is still very young and I'm very happy with giving him my full attention right now.  And leave it at that, you don't owe anyone any explanations.

[jenkaye21]

It's funny, I get asked that question all the time, too, but I would never dream of asking it!!  I doesn't really bother me, though, just I wouldn't personally ask someone such a personal question.

I usually get, "Are you going to have any more?" since we have 4 already and our youngest is 5 months old.  I think it's becuase everyone in my small town knows me and knows how I have always loved kids and that I've wanted a big family.  I usually answer honestly (I would love one more!) but I see nothing wrong with answering vaguely (We're not sure yet) or saying that it's a personal topic and none of their business.

Thinking about the financial (and other) aspects before planning another baby is so smart; so many people don't and we see it on here all the time!  Wanting to provide well for your son is a very worthy goal.  Bless you!

[Victoria01]

You are not crazy. I would just very politely, yet firmly, tell them it is none of their business. If you and DH only want one child, then that is your choice and nobody should pressure you into having more. Just tell them that you are happy with your son and your family is complete.

[MayB22]

The age gap between myself and my youngest brother is just over 3 years, which was nice, because I was old enough to sort of look out for him, but not too old to lack any interest ... Although, according to my mom I was jealous and I remember telling people that my mom bought him in the vegetable section in one of our local supermarket chains ... I think that's when I got my cabbage patch doll..

Anyway,  Laura, I completely agree with you about rather being able to provide well for the child you have, as opposed to having 3/4 kids and having to scrape your cents together every month.  My partents got a divorce when I was 7 and financially things were not good and there were 5 of us (kids), 3 of which were in boarding school (as my small hometown wasn't big enough to support a local high school).  I always felt so crap asking my parents for money for school events (that were not optional), or whatever.  Especially the reaction I got sometimes would make me not want to ask for anything ... and when I have kids, I don't want them to ever be wary to approach me about anything or make them feel bad about needing things.  

Ideally I've love to have 2 kids, but I guess if 1 was all I could cope with and afford, then that is what I would stick with, barring any unexpected surprises.

[Limonada]

I found that people started making subtle - and not so subtle - hints about adding to our family when DS was around 1 as well.  I don't know what it is about that age, but people seem to think that when your child is 1 and no longer technically an "infant" anymore, you'll be raring to try for another one.

The funny thing is that when DH and I were expecting DS, we thought we'd probably want to start trying for baby no. 2 when he was a year old - to have the kids close in age, but also because DH is 10 years older then I am.  However, when that time actually rolled around, we were thinking very differently.  I'd just returned to work (I'm in Canada, so we get a year long maternity leave) and wanted to focus on my career for a bit before jumping back into TTC, and having one child was a big enough adjustment for us as a couple - we didn't want to rush back into the baby phase.  Also, we wanted to spend some time just with DS before adding to our family.

It wasn't until DS was 2.5 years old that we started TTC again....and got pregnant within 2 months....I'm due any day now.

I don't really have any advice about what you should say to the nosy people who are  asking when you're going to have another baby (as if to imply that you SHOULD be right now)...I think I just told people, honestly, that we weren't ready yet.  I mean, how can anyone dispute that?  It's not anyone's business, other than you and DH's....

[julianovak]

Well, i think that it is possible to provide for 3 children or even more if you try hard enough. I believe when we have another child that that child will have everything that i didnt same as my first...... And in terms of huge families what do you mean by that??? what 10 kids??? i dont know of many families that have more then 4........ "providing" well for a child doesnt differ from a child who gets everything he needs and some of what he wants, if fact i personally think that a child who gets recieves whatever he wants or fusses about in the end will be unappreciative.... the most important thing for a child is love and care........ not the quantity of the things he may or may not have.

Just tell them you arent ready........ its not an akward questian at all, bc many ppl do have children close in age.......... unless you want a kid when he wil be live 16......