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332176 tn?1220541962

OT: a little frustrated

My husband is slowly caving on starting to have children but.... he says that we will be poor and using "we will not be able to go on trips" and **** like that against me.... we don't go on trips as it is!!  And we are not poor!!  we make very good money - both of us!!!  I just don't know what to say to him any more....I think he is more scared than anything.... aaaaahhhhhhh......
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332176 tn?1220541962
awe.... I sure hope everything works out for you.  
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461781 tn?1285609481
Your husband sounds exactly like mine, we've been together for 7.5 years and we've been married for 6, I took off my IUD in Feb 08 and at first he was sooo scared (but he wouldn't wear condoms, oh well!) and once I was pregnant he was happy.  I haven't charted or anything keeping the promise not to "try on purpose" just not avoid it.  I had a m/c and after that he's 100% wanting me to get pregnant again.  
They get scared because of the responsibility of being someone's father and at least my husband takes that very seriously, he also loves money but he says that we will work it out.  when I was pregnant he said "Well it wont change anything we do or how we are, it just means that everything we do, we'll do it with our kid" and that just melted me.  I just want to get pregnant again now.
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Avatar universal
I THINK ALL MEN ARE SCARED THEY CAN'T PROVIDE FOR THERE FAMILY'S.  MY HUSBAND WAS THE SAME WAY.  HE WANTED TO WAIT TILL WE HAD MORE MONEY.  TRUTH,  I HEAR IS YOU NEVER WILL.  BUT A CHILD IS WORTH EVERYTHING.  I WAS READY TO HAVE KIDS THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED.  BUT HE WANTED TO WAIT.  THEN OUR LAST NEICE WAS BORN IN MAY THIS YEAR AND HE SAID WHEN HE HELD HER HE FELT HE WAS READY.  WE HAVE SO MANY KIDS IN OUR FAMILY.  WE LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH, BUT THEY ARN'T OURS TO KEEP.  HE WANTS HIS OWN LITTLE ONE.  IT MAY TAKE TIME BUT I'M SURE HE WILL COME AROUND.  GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK.
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332176 tn?1220541962
thanks!  And i'll keep ya posted if anything changes!
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287246 tn?1318570063
Awwwww......How cool!!  I am happy for you.  Keep us posted...
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332176 tn?1220541962
Well... we had another chat... and this time he was really good about it - we compromised....  I told him my pills were up in september... and perhaps we could actually start trying in december.... to my excitement he was good with all of it!!  After saying good night, I leaned over and told him that he would be an awesome father when it happens - he said "yeah?" - I replied "yeah".  I am super excited now
Helpful - 0
332176 tn?1220541962
thanks for the input!  I really hope my husband comes around..... once it happens, I think he will finally realize what he had been missing......

(Congrats by the way)!!
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268356 tn?1236002604
My hubby was like this as well. I finally told him that I was coming off the hormones (birth control), so if he didn't want children then he needed to strap one on. He of course opposed this idea of having to wear a condom after having been together for the last 8 years and so I am now 13 weeks preggers. Although the road has been very tough. I have had 2 miscarraiges, but now I am getting a bit less jumpy now that I have made it to the 2nd trimester.
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332176 tn?1220541962
thanks ladies!!  I do believe that he is honestly scared and I've told him he will be a good father and that I have no worries in that department.....

I am going off BC in september and after that it is up to him to decide if he should be using protection.  
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Avatar universal
Sounds like the husband is just scared! But honestly, if you're frugal and smart, your money won't fly out the window! And besides, your children are sooooooo worth it. If he were to have a child, money wouldn't even matter anymore. It's that sweet precious life that is relying on him...

I think it's deeper than money and he's just using that as a buffer from having to think about it. It's like a justification. Anyway, just keep encouraging him! It's the men who act like this who turn out to be the GREATEST fathers! You can tell him I said that!

You could always tell him, "We could try for at least 6 months!" And, a little TMI, you could let him know you won't have to use condoms/contraceptives. Men seem to go for that one and then think about the consequences later.
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145992 tn?1341345074
You never know sweetie.  Maybe he will start to see things your way.  Good luck with it, I hope it works out for you.
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332176 tn?1220541962
We will have to have another talk again tonight - as I am still upset and hurt....  hopefully this one will be better...

I'm 27 but would like to have kids <--- (plural) by the time I hit 30... but it seems that won't happen....
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145992 tn?1341345074
Haha...yeah.  I didn't want people going nuts on me for thinking I was cheating with a married man...lol.  
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287246 tn?1318570063
How funny..... *Smile* I caught that but figured that was what you meant :)
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145992 tn?1341345074
That didn't sound right, I meant he had already been married, not he was already married.  It sounded like I was having an affair with him...geesh.  It's just too hot, my brain is fried.
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145992 tn?1341345074
Why don't you put it to him that way.  That you are ready and think he would make a fantastic father.  You don't want to force him or try to convince him because what will happen is he will do it to make you happy and the outcome may not be what you want.  You may have a child but he could either love it and think how crazy he was for not wanting a baby or he could resent it and not take part in the parenting.  Then you will be left by yourself with a baby.  But if you are ready to deal with that then I say go for it.  You are 28 now right?  Then give it a year, you will still be young.  I had my first at 30.  Just to let you know, when my fiance and I first met, he was already married and had 2 kids.  He always told me that he didn't want to get married again and that he didn't know if he wanted any more children.  I told him that we shouldn't even go further with the relationship since we wanted different things and it wasn't fair to me.  He told me to just give the relationship a chance...which I did.  After only a short while he wanted to marry me and was talking about trying to get pregnant.  So you never really know how things will turn out.
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332176 tn?1220541962
thank you ladies.....  It is nice to hear some kind words (especially today).

I think he is really scared....and uses everything else as an excuse.  He would be a fantastic father.......
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287246 tn?1318570063
I agree with mami.  I think 7.5 years is a long time so I don't think you are rushing either.  It may be time to just have a long serious talk with him and just tell him that if you two want different things in life and are going in 2 totally different directions, then it may be time to maybe reevaluate things in terms of your relationship.  Maybe it will get him to thinking long and hard about what is really important to him.  I'm not a materialistic person at all, so loving money and time is just not something I really understand.  I have 5 kids and I could have 10 more and my husband would be thrilled.  I'm always the one scared when I end up pregnant.  My worry with money is to just make sure that we can pay our bills; not for toys.  That would be my advice would be to put it to him like that.  I have done that with my husband before.  It wasn't about kids, but it was the same conversation; different topic.

I wish you luck.......
Helpful - 0
332176 tn?1220541962
I've tried that - and he told me to think about getting off birth control in a year.....  I told him last night that I will not force it on him, but the way that it sounded the last month - was that he was starting to think about having a family....  I guess I was wrong.

I am emotionally hurt by what he had said last night.  It was tough to hear him say he does not want to have kids right now - and to tell me that I'm rushing into it....  I'm not - I'm just ready.  

I will finish my perscription of BC in september and that is it..... it is my decision.
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461781 tn?1285609481
You can't force the man to start having kids, but you can get him used to the idea.  Atleast my husband at first was very like yours and he asked me for some time and more time etc.  Then I decided to stop the BC I gave him a date when I would stop using BC and I told him that I wasn't going to avoid getting pregnant but that I wasn't going to plan on getting pregnant (to get him used to the idea) and that if he wants to avoid me getting pregnant then he would have to figgure out BC.  So then he was like "well you'll get pregnant when you do, lets just not force it"  last month I got pregnant and he was happy that I got pregnant.  He did not want to deal with having to use condoms, withdrawal or not have sex so he accepted it.  
The thought of having a kid when you are having a good time in your life is frightening and I understand that about my husband but he also loves me and he wants to have a family with me so we will learn to deal with whatever life brings to us.
Try that.
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332176 tn?1220541962
well.... last night didn't go so well - we ended up in a big fight and he thinks I'm rushing into things.....  as stated earlier, he confirmed that he is loving his time and money right now.  I am emotionally drained - I have nothing left in me.
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145992 tn?1341345074
That's a really long time and him saying that he loves his money and will be poor is simply that...an excuse.  It's really up to you to decide what's most important to you.  If you want a baby and he doesn't then maybe he isn't the one for you.  You want different things in life and you will always feel like you are missing out on something that you truly want if you stay with him.  Plus, you will eventually resent him and so this relationship may never work.  I really do hope he changes his mind but you may have to come to the realization that he might never want what you want.
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332176 tn?1220541962
we've been together for 7.5 years and he wants kids - but right now says he loves his money.....  and that we will be poor.... which we won't be....  i am just getting excuses and am now really upset about the entire situation.....
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Well money, if you have it, won't fly right out of the window.  Granted it is expensive but if you both make a good amount of money then it shouldn't really be that much of an issue.  Were you aware of him not wanting children when you first got together?  Because if he's always told you that he never wanted children then really you shouldn't be that surprised that he doesn't want any.  You don't have to wait if you really want one but it won't be from him if he doesn't want children.
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