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OT:IT'S HARD TO GET DH TO CLEAN AFTER HIMSELF! ADVICE??
Ladies,,,
This is a never ending battle for me and it should not be, DH and I will be Married 8 years this Nov, we have a 5 year old little boy and baby # 2 on the way I am 16 weeks. I like cleaning lol but not after a grown man. I will clean my bathroom I mean the works bleach in the toilet windex here and etc.DH has always had the problem of either not lifting the lid to pee or leaving the lid down and peeing all over the toilet and the floor. Then he wont flush the toilet I have got onto him soooooo many times and I have told him it is so direspectful to me. I just cleaned the bathroom this morning and I know here in a little bit he will go in there and mess things up its harder now bc I cant get up and down as good and I dont want to over do it. Even my 5 year old knows to lift the lid and if you get anything on the lid clean it up for mommy but DH hardly does. DH will be out of town sometimes and I clean like crazy when hes gone then he comes back and throws his bag and dirty clothes in the living room?? OK take it to the bathroom at least.. We have been in some pretty bad fights over him cleaning after himself and it is so stupid. I dont know what to do. I hate dirtyness, I am a very clean person. I can go to bed and get up the next morning and it looks like a tornado has went through the living room. He always tells me leave it there and I will get it like cans. bottles and etc. But he dont so I get it come on ladies who wants to look at the crap all night long. I will cook and he wont even clean his plate off he will put it on the counter and wait for me. Dont get me wrong I have a awesome husband and a great father and a very hardworking man and I am blessed I just need some advice on what I can do.. When I bring it up sometimes he gets mad and says its no big deal or something, but it is he does not get it at all. Advice? Thanks! Shay
This is a never ending battle for me and it should not be, DH and I will be Married 8 years this Nov, we have a 5 year old little boy and baby # 2 on the way I am 16 weeks. I like cleaning lol but not after a grown man. I will clean my bathroom I mean the works bleach in the toilet windex here and etc.DH has always had the problem of either not lifting the lid to pee or leaving the lid down and peeing all over the toilet and the floor. Then he wont flush the toilet I have got onto him soooooo many times and I have told him it is so direspectful to me. I just cleaned the bathroom this morning and I know here in a little bit he will go in there and mess things up its harder now bc I cant get up and down as good and I dont want to over do it. Even my 5 year old knows to lift the lid and if you get anything on the lid clean it up for mommy but DH hardly does. DH will be out of town sometimes and I clean like crazy when hes gone then he comes back and throws his bag and dirty clothes in the living room?? OK take it to the bathroom at least.. We have been in some pretty bad fights over him cleaning after himself and it is so stupid. I dont know what to do. I hate dirtyness, I am a very clean person. I can go to bed and get up the next morning and it looks like a tornado has went through the living room. He always tells me leave it there and I will get it like cans. bottles and etc. But he dont so I get it come on ladies who wants to look at the crap all night long. I will cook and he wont even clean his plate off he will put it on the counter and wait for me. Dont get me wrong I have a awesome husband and a great father and a very hardworking man and I am blessed I just need some advice on what I can do.. When I bring it up sometimes he gets mad and says its no big deal or something, but it is he does not get it at all. Advice? Thanks! Shay
Well, that's the thing, Amanda---if it mattered enough to you (made you unhappy), then you could. But you're ok with it, and that's what's important. Ultimately it boils down to how you feel and who is in control of that.
Personally, I have the potential to be like you (clean freak) but I also have ADD, so that gets in the way of it (though occassionally it turns me into super-focused cleaner on a 3 day cleaning binge). I also have a problem with wanting everyone to like me and martyring myself for others.
Most, if not all of us, have at least some tendencies to sometimes be that way. So this is just a new way to think about it. Like my gift as a recovering doormat to other potential or intermittent doormats ;-)
Personally, I have the potential to be like you (clean freak) but I also have ADD, so that gets in the way of it (though occassionally it turns me into super-focused cleaner on a 3 day cleaning binge). I also have a problem with wanting everyone to like me and martyring myself for others.
Most, if not all of us, have at least some tendencies to sometimes be that way. So this is just a new way to think about it. Like my gift as a recovering doormat to other potential or intermittent doormats ;-)
Wow Great advice! But i could never do any of that. I dont mind doing the things i do, cause im used to it, ive always done it, ive known him for 9 years. and i have always had to clean up after my sisters and my mom, and now after my sisters kids. I get used to it. it comes with the disease to want everything to be clean all the time, and even worse now that i have a 3 month old baby. im a clean freak, everyone else i know, not so much! lol... i just like to vent about it. and complain cause it helps me! but that was very very good advice!!
hey girls---just my two (hundred) cents. i definitely feel you on this---way more than you know, but I won't get into that. with men, remember that actions speak louder than words, and that we teach people how to treat us (two principles i'm re-learning myself). here is my take (combined with counsel I have sought in dealing with my own struggles at home with homeboy)---keep an open mind. and remember the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. you have to do something different and it has to very clearly get their attention and very clearly express your feelings and your message. so here's some ideas, take em or leave em ;-)
once you've said it a certain number of times, no amount of saying it or volume of saying it or anything else is going to matter. it gets filtered like background noise to them. you ask them not to do it and then you clean it up. so their simple minds say "either way, she cleans it." and let's face it, it's true. You're still cleaning up after him, aren't you? Shame on you (slow down, don't get offended. Truth is necessary for change). Shame on him for his disrespect towards your feelings, but stand up for yourself and stop letting him get away with it. And I guarantee you, it will throw him off at first (and may even tick him off--for all of 1 hr max), but in the long run, his respect for you and his trust in you will go waaaay up.
The trouble with that, though, is you can't just stop cleaning up after them. See, it really doesn't bother them as much as it does you. So they will let it build up and get really gross and they still won't do anything about it. Ultimately, what you have to do is something that will offend them as much as their uncleanliness offends you (that is the expressing your feelings/message part), and it has to be something that actually interferes with his day/life/routine (getting his undivided attention). It has to be in his path, and it has to be worth it/necessary to actually put forth the effort (read: "I cannot enjoy myself or move on successfully until I do something about this").
Examples:
If he leaves his soda cans and dinnner plates around, put them face down in his favorite chair.
If he pees all over the toilet and floor and walls around the toilet, then use rags and clorox to get it up and then put them dirty side down on his side of the bed and on his pillow. (hint: a sponge isn't gross enough, use rags or paper towels)
If he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house, gather them up and fill his front seat with them.
If they are out of his way, they will not be addressed. If they are in his face, they must be addressed.
If you're just cleaning up after him, then you are putting forth the effort and the problem is solved. So put forth the same effort, just move whatever it is he's not taking care of that should be his responsibilty into his path until he can't walk around it.
Instead of carrying his weight, pick his weight up and drop it in his lap.
Now the key in not having a major blow up in this is to not care what he thinks about it, and not let yourself get drawn into a fight over it. Very loving, but matter of fact, this is how it is, just solving a problem. Of course I still love you. But I feel taken for granted and I'm changing that. I feel disrespected so I'm not allowing it any more. I feel that in this relationship, my feelings aren't important to you---so I'm taking care of them myself. That means you'll have to take of your own pee/plates/dirty clothes/etc.
It has definitely worked for me. Be creative, get his attention, make the problem his (in a way that he can't sidestep), and stop solving it yourself. Those are the keys.
By the same token, you are taking your problem (how it makes you feel) and solving it for yourself instead of expecting him to solve it for you. You're taking responsibility for your own feelings and doing something proactive to make yourself feel better, more respected, etc. When you respect you, others respect you too.
once you've said it a certain number of times, no amount of saying it or volume of saying it or anything else is going to matter. it gets filtered like background noise to them. you ask them not to do it and then you clean it up. so their simple minds say "either way, she cleans it." and let's face it, it's true. You're still cleaning up after him, aren't you? Shame on you (slow down, don't get offended. Truth is necessary for change). Shame on him for his disrespect towards your feelings, but stand up for yourself and stop letting him get away with it. And I guarantee you, it will throw him off at first (and may even tick him off--for all of 1 hr max), but in the long run, his respect for you and his trust in you will go waaaay up.
The trouble with that, though, is you can't just stop cleaning up after them. See, it really doesn't bother them as much as it does you. So they will let it build up and get really gross and they still won't do anything about it. Ultimately, what you have to do is something that will offend them as much as their uncleanliness offends you (that is the expressing your feelings/message part), and it has to be something that actually interferes with his day/life/routine (getting his undivided attention). It has to be in his path, and it has to be worth it/necessary to actually put forth the effort (read: "I cannot enjoy myself or move on successfully until I do something about this").
Examples:
If he leaves his soda cans and dinnner plates around, put them face down in his favorite chair.
If he pees all over the toilet and floor and walls around the toilet, then use rags and clorox to get it up and then put them dirty side down on his side of the bed and on his pillow. (hint: a sponge isn't gross enough, use rags or paper towels)
If he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house, gather them up and fill his front seat with them.
If they are out of his way, they will not be addressed. If they are in his face, they must be addressed.
If you're just cleaning up after him, then you are putting forth the effort and the problem is solved. So put forth the same effort, just move whatever it is he's not taking care of that should be his responsibilty into his path until he can't walk around it.
Instead of carrying his weight, pick his weight up and drop it in his lap.
Now the key in not having a major blow up in this is to not care what he thinks about it, and not let yourself get drawn into a fight over it. Very loving, but matter of fact, this is how it is, just solving a problem. Of course I still love you. But I feel taken for granted and I'm changing that. I feel disrespected so I'm not allowing it any more. I feel that in this relationship, my feelings aren't important to you---so I'm taking care of them myself. That means you'll have to take of your own pee/plates/dirty clothes/etc.
It has definitely worked for me. Be creative, get his attention, make the problem his (in a way that he can't sidestep), and stop solving it yourself. Those are the keys.
By the same token, you are taking your problem (how it makes you feel) and solving it for yourself instead of expecting him to solve it for you. You're taking responsibility for your own feelings and doing something proactive to make yourself feel better, more respected, etc. When you respect you, others respect you too.
ya i agree, it so disturbing!!! plus we have carpet in the bathroom and he doesnt ever dry off he just gets out of the shower and drips all over the floor. grrr... and i tell him many times to clean up his facial hair. does he ever? NOPE! and last night he left the toilet seat up, and guess what happend? yup i sat down on it.. GROSS!
OMG Ammanda about the facial hair on the countertop...ARRGGG I have to clean up 3 different guys facial hair and I know who each one of them is because they are all diff colours..lol....I think that is the grossest part of the bathroom cleanup......yuck
Im totaly with you girls. except im not even with the guy anymore. lol. my ex is 22 years old and the dirtiest man. like hes so clean when it comes to his hygiene, but he cant clean up after himself for nothing. im always going after him cleaning. i am a clean freak and i clean all day. he leaves clothes on the bedroom floor, living room floor, bathoom floor and in the hallway. heck sometimes i even find dirty clothes lying on the floor right next to the clothes basket! wth!!! lol.. and he always leaves toothpaste all over in the sink, and he pees on the freaking toilet seat too. and he leaves his facial hair all over the bathroom counter after shaving. and he uses my hand towels as a washcloth. idk why but it annoys me, lol.. and he changes his clothes 5 times a day. so i end up doing 3 loads of laundry every other day cause of him and my 3 month old. he doesnt help with cleaning at all. and he uses like 5 different cups a day. its sooo annoying. i do everything, ill spend all day cleaning after he trashes the place and hell come back and dont even notice that i cleaned or doesnt even say anything. were not even together right now(working on our family) and i still do this ****, he brought in a load of clothes from his jeep yesterday and asked me to wash them. grrr. and hes never done dishes. okay maybe once! but one good thing, he does cook for me, but guess who has to clean it up? lol there is no help sorry!!! ive tried talking to him too, its in one ear and out the other
I have been married for 7 years in a few weeks and if you figure out the answer to that question please let me know!!! My dh is a slob! it drives me nuts, just this morning he walked into the house and across the den carpet with his muddy work boots on. I could have killed him. Now I have to vaccuum, ARRRH. oh and I found a pair of dirty socks under the couch earlier. I peered into his work truck the other day and there were like 5 or 6 coffee mugs in there, now I know why I cant find them. ARRR MEN!
lol..i agree with Majikat, its not the hormones, cuz I also cannot stnad by bf's laziness, all he needs to do is be a little more mindful of what he does around the house.
It bothers me when Im not pregnant also.... Believe me it's not the hormones I just can't stand laziness.... My 4 year old autistic son helps out more than him
It's the hormones I am sure that is making it bother you sooo much...I get annoyed to, but if I were you, I would concentrate on making it through without killing him then seek counseling for the both of you to communicate better...
You are so lucky, why can't all men be like that. The owrst for me is that my bf has barely worked at all this summer which is what has been making things wrose. I would work all day, see dishes in the sink, dog hair everywhere, and when I ask what he has done all day he will say, played on the comp, watched movies hung out with the dog....grrrrr...it makes me so mad, then I will go to do the dishes and he will say dont do them, i will do them tomorrow, so I don't, then the next day i come home from work, dishes still in the sink, even bigger pile now and he will be like taking the dog for a walk, ill do the dishes after!...why the **** couldnt you do them all day? he waits till i get home cuz he knows i will just do them when he takes the dog out.....i cant even begin to tell you how frustrating it is, but it seems like most of you know how i am feeling!
I have to say...I don't have that problem, well anymore. My ex husband was like that, almost 10x worse. I would spend hours and hours cleaning and he would say "well since you like to clean so much, let me dirty up the house so you can clean it again". I would get so pissed off.
I did however, give an easy choice. You help keep the house clean OR I will go on strike, and you will have to take care of yourself from now on. Which included cooking, cleaning, laundry and sex ;)
My hubby now is very thoughtful and very helpful. I think the worse thing he has done, was ash his cigg in the sink while on the potty, and not rinse it out right away. I would mention it, and he quickly apologized and went to clean the sink again. I have bursts of energy from time to time, where I could spend literally HOURS cleaning the house, and my lovely DH will always help out without me asking. DH does work, and I tend to the children and the house during the day (SAHM) but hubby will come home from work and help me finish cooking or doing whatever needed to be done, before taking a shower or time to relax after work. I appreciate my husband so very much for this, because like I said, my first husband was a complete opposite.
I did however, give an easy choice. You help keep the house clean OR I will go on strike, and you will have to take care of yourself from now on. Which included cooking, cleaning, laundry and sex ;)
My hubby now is very thoughtful and very helpful. I think the worse thing he has done, was ash his cigg in the sink while on the potty, and not rinse it out right away. I would mention it, and he quickly apologized and went to clean the sink again. I have bursts of energy from time to time, where I could spend literally HOURS cleaning the house, and my lovely DH will always help out without me asking. DH does work, and I tend to the children and the house during the day (SAHM) but hubby will come home from work and help me finish cooking or doing whatever needed to be done, before taking a shower or time to relax after work. I appreciate my husband so very much for this, because like I said, my first husband was a complete opposite.
OMG...girls...I am so happy I am not the only one! I am not happy of course for our situation. I have the laziest bf. I think I am in a nesting stage right now and I cannot handle my BF. I work 35 to 40 hrs a week and clean the rest of my time. I sweep, clean the bathroom, and i live with 3 guys right now and i am the only one who cleans. He will sit on the computer and watch me clean for hours and ask if i want help, but if i were to say yah can you do this he would get annoyed. I cannot keep up our house, it is too big and I cannot do it myslef. He has this dog who sheds like crazy and never cleans up after this dog, and I mean this dog sheds so much that after one week it looks like we have carpet, but its dog hair! I went on strike once from cleaning after his dog,and he never cleaned up and eventually i had to do it anyways. And dont get me started on laundry! This boy has so many clothes and I feel like for every 3 loads of laundry i do, a half load is mine, the rest is his! I dont know how I will keep up once the baby comes, i think i will be too overwhelmed. I wish we could all just go on strike and show thses boys what our places would look like without us to clean but I dont think they would even care!
Good luck ladies and I hope our men realize how much they take us for granted.
Good luck ladies and I hope our men realize how much they take us for granted.
Omg I have the same problem it is absolutley frustrating.... My bf is 30 years old and he seems to think that he can leave plates on the kitchen table for me to clean after I just cooked a whole meal.... We have lived in our house for a year and a half and there is a corner just full of his **** since we moved here... He gets mad that I will clean after the kids but not him and I tell him that I'm not his mother I'm their mother and it's my job to clean after them.... His side of the bathroom counter is filled with crap while mine is always clean.... When I wasn't able to move my arm for five days he sat and watched me wash the dishes and change sheets on the bed with one arm.... I could go on for days about how usless ge is.... It makes me resent him so much and it is ruining the relationship.... I am not a servent and I refuse to be treated as one... So when he leaves stuff I will leave it till he deals with it which is very frustrating... We got back from panama on July 17 and he still has a piece of luggage sitting at the front door and his other one is in our room still full of clothes.... He is Portuguese and his mommy did everything for him he lived at home with his parents till he was 29 omfg he is also extremly rude to me.... And mine is also very disrespectful after I clean.... He makes me feel worthless although I stay home with mytwo kids my youngest being autistic and then I clean all the time and on top of it he expects me to make his lunch for work which really drives me crazy I hate that I am expected to do things like that when I got so much other stuff to do.... So yes I totally feel where your coming from and I don't think there is anyway to fix it.... I have tried to talk about scream about it... That's why I just leave his stuff where he puts it cause I'm not a slave
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