TO ALL THE LADIES THAT HAVE LOST AN ANGEL ?? please read i want your opinions

Hey i had an ectopic that was removed with my right tube on the 8th of novemeber ...  i will never forget that child and i am planning on taking some time out to grieve before i try again ... i was wondering how long i should be waiting but ???? i dont want to try again till about feb is that to soon medically ? i reallly miss my baby being inside of me :( i have two beautiful children and i am looking forward to adding another one ... breaks my heart when i watch the news and see babies being starved to death or beating up and chucked in a suit case... does any one else feel that is unfair ?
i know i am a AWESOME mother so why did god take my baby and not take those babies to save them from a life of fear and pain ??? i heard of a woman i know who is very blessed and has 4 babies she grabbed her 6 month old and threw him out the front of her house and left him there in the rain for 2 hours till she called DOCs to come and get him saying she never loved and never wanted him ( meanwhile she is 4 months pregnant again!!!) AND YET my baby was taken ????
AM I CRAZY ?? maybe i  should get some counselling :S

I know this sounds like a oh dear oh me kind of statements to make but the more i read about these beautiful women from this site i have to wonder do any of you guys feel u got the wrong end of the stick in losing all these angels while other mothers treat there angels worse then dogs and are still able to concieve (conceive) and keep to term beautiful babies???????

[laurat]

Losing a baby I'm sure is a very hard thing to deal with. I haven't ever lost a baby, but my mother has had 8 miscarriages, and then I had a little brother that passed away after an accident. That was pretty hard for all of us. I have just one child so far. I can't even imagine never having had him now...I plan to have more children, and hope that I will never have to experience what you have had to. I must say, though, my own opinions with you of God. I think he is a very loving father. Many times in life, we are given challenges, this is one that you'll have to deal with. The challenge of being neglected like those other children you mention is the challenge they have to deal with unfortunately. But...as awful as that might sound, we will be judged on how we handle our challenges and our own lives. Those poor children who have had to grow up in lives like that, they won't be judged because they were neglected...there parents will have to deal with the own condemnation for that. That's there fault! And those children, if they did all they could do to be different from their parents, they will surely be blessed greater than you or I possibly. Our Heavenly Father (God) is a very loving God. I have been taught my whole life, and truly believe, that we come to this earth for a reason...and that reason is to gain a body, and strive to become like Him (God). Once you have fulfilled that mission, then you are able to be sent back to live with Him again. I'm not too sure when science says, or even religion really, when there is life (or a spirit) to your body...but I'm willing to guess that your angel either received his/her body and fulfilled that mission and was perfect...or it just wasn't time for that baby to come here yet....and if that's the case, he/she will probably get another chance. Good luck and God bless you!

[jacky31]

I AM SORRY FOR UR LOSS MY SELF I LOSS A TWINS BOYS IN MAY 23  2007 SINCE THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGE SO MUCH I WAS 18 WEEKS MY FIRST TWINS PRENANCY I READY HAVE 3 KIDS.... I KNOW WHAT U GOING TRUH I FEEL SO DEBASTETING SINCE THE DAY I MISS SO MUCH MY BABIES :( U CAN LIVE WHITH THE PAIN BUT NEVER FORGET IT....

EVRYDAY, AVERY HOUR, EVERY MINUTE I REMEMBER MY BABIES, NOW I TRYIN TO CONCEIBIE AGAIN A NOTHING HAPPEND.;   :(

[rachie204]

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.  I have one 3yr old son and I suffered a miscarriage the end of august.  I was about 11 weeks along. It came as a shock.  I understand the pain that you feel.  I still think about that baby and even though I would have loved to have the pregnancy continue I know that it wasnt God's will for it to happen or it would have.  I think God has used my miscarriage to help me learn that I have to rely on Him and trust Him and to learn that I can no longer be a control freak.  Right after the m/c I thought I would want to try as soon as the doctor said was okay...he told me 11 weeks.  But a few weeks after the m/c I didnt feel like I wanted to get pregnant for a while...then my first period came and I think something hormone wise happend when you get your period back b/c after that I started to really want to be pregnant and now my husband and I are trying agian.  Also I have learned to be more grateful for the wonderful son I do have.

[FEMMIE]

i think thats why i am so down right now ... its my first period since i lost my angel ... and well i live in sydney australia and we have had ALOT of child neglect cases in the media of late and its just breaking me knowing that a woman can have a child and then harm or neglect it i mean one case the woman actually starved her 7 year old to the point where the child died she weight only 9 kilos!!! my seven year old is skinny but she is still 24 kilos and my one year old is 14 kilos ... i was just wondering if my emotions are normal post Ectopic ...

[rachie204]

Yes they are normal.  Like I said after my period came...it just made me want to get pregnant again so bad.  That's the way God made the womans body to carry babies...it's only natural for us to long for it.  Yeah the world is insane.  I used to not even what to have kids...I figred there was no point in bringing children into a world that already had so many that were not wanted....I just wanted to adopt.  But I got pregnant and now my son is 3 and I am hooked...after my m/c I want to be preggers again.  I would still like to adopt a child.  Not for the wow factor but b/c there are so many children out there unwanted.  I know I cant save them all but I figure if I can just give even one of them a good home I have made a differance in their life.  My husband still needs some convicing however.  It's just something we will have to pray about as a couple.  I am also considering foster care or even emergency foster care which is where lets say a childs parents died in a car accident and there was no family near by they would come to your home and stay until they were reunited with other family or placed in a long term foster home.  I just dont watch the news anymore...honestly I dont turn it on.  It makes me so sad.  I just want to find some way to help. I hope you begin to feel better soon...and I hope you are blessed with a wonderful edition to your family soon.  God Bless!

[FEMMIE]

i was looking into fostering also .. i have a big heart and a big family is my ideal life i mean we have a big house and i would love to fill it ... i would love to try again now lol but i know the ectopic took so much from my body i know my body needs a few more months before we try .. i have had 2 miscarriages but they didnt seem real to me ... this ectopic was so much more real for some reason that i cant grasp . i hope u are also blessed with a new edition .. i have been following your msgs about maybe you are already pregnant now ? lol buying hot sauce and soup .. my toes fingers legs and arms are all crossed for you

[izzys_mom]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My dh and I lost our little girl 6 weeks ago, at 20 weeks, it was a complete shock as the pregnancy had been perfect, great heartbeats, etc. At our ultrasound, we got the news that she had died, and I was induced and had her. She had Turner syndrome, which had been present since the very beginning, but for some reason she survived and didn't miscarry in the first trimester.
I am a law enforcement officer, so I have first hand experience with some of the terrible mothers out there. I can hardly handle the calls of them these days. And worst of all, I am expected to support them, and get them all the help I can, even when I want nothing more than to take their kids away and give them to someone who loves and appreciates them. I will never understand why we lost our baby when we so desperately wanted her. I was all prepared to quit work and be a full time mom to her. Hearing that God knows what He's doing really hasn't helped me much, other than making me mad a God. I'm trying to get over that.
We so desperately want to have children, so we started trying again this month. The dr cleared us to start as soon as we saw him, 5 weeks after we had her. I think it was quick because there was no surgery, d&c, or anything else.
My mother and father in law lost a baby 40 years ago, and they've said that you never forget, and that it gets easier but that they always think about her. She was one month old when she died, so it was a little different.
Good luck to you, and I truly believe that you will know when it's right for you to start trying again.

[DaimyaMa]

I want to say I am sorry for your loss.  I too lost my baby after carrying her full term(Aug 28, 2007).  She only lived 5 hours.  She died of a diaphragmatic hernia.  It's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how life would've been with her here.  I miss her sooooo...much!!!  But now I'm right back trying,  not to replace her.  But to fill that hole that is now empty from the loss of my daughter.  I am now wanting a baby more than anything in the world.  And the grieving process will be a long and hard road, but u will get through it.  I stilll have my moments that I breakdown.  For the simple fact I actually held my child, and looked in her eyes... :(     But just keep your head up and wait until you are physically AND mentally ready to try again.  And when it does happen I bet you will be a great mom!!!

Good Luck!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I myself have never had a m/c but felt compelled to comment because I feel that way many times when I see the news.  I just can't figure out WHY??  Why do these children have to endure what they do?  I just don't understand.  Although I do have a lot of faith, I just don't understand.  I have 5 children that I love very much.  And to tell you the truth, one of the reasons I have so many I think is because I feel like my fertility is a gift not to be wasted.  I see so many women on this forum ttc and I feel truly blessed and feel sad for all that are trying and having trouble.  It really saddens me.  I have a gift and will not waste it.  I am so sorry for your loss.  And remember if you need anything, this forum is a wonderful support.  It's really neat.  I'm glad I found it.  God bless uou and your little Angel up in Heaven.

[izzys_mom]

I am SO sorry to hear about you daughter. That would be absolutely devastating. I think it's really important what you say about not trying to replace her. Good luck trying, I'm sure things will turn out.

[FEMMIE]

thank you All for your wonderful replies i was so stuck in self pitty and anger when i left that msg i just felt like it was swallowing me .. then i read about izzys_mom and diamyama and my stomach dropped the personal struggles you two beautiful ladies would of  faced is utterly amazing and you survived even when i am sure you would not of wanted to ... you two ladies are AMAZING  thank u for letting me draw strength from your personal experiences i dont think i could ever thank you ladies enough ... hopefully one day soon i might be able to crawl out of my little hole that i am currently hiding in and face the world again lol ( i have avoided going down town since the op as a lovely check out ladies asked if i was happy to be pregnant again 1 week after my op :S ) i just dont want to explain to the world what happened over and over again ( stupid me told alot of people :S:S:S)


THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES!!!! i am so sorry u had to go thru what you ladies did ... but i thank you for sharing it with me ... ( makes me feel less alien ) thank you once more

[FEMMIE]

ok i just thought someone could of would mistake the alien part :S i feel like an alien cause i am not myself right now but knowing my feelings are normal as part of a grieving makes me feel heaps better  I WAS NOT SAYING ANYONE ELSE WAS AN ALIEN lol sorry :S:S:S

[clumsycole]

i unexpectadly got pregnant in my early 20's. the news was quite a shock to me. at the time, i was in an exclusive national arts school that rarely accepts students and in an unsteady relationship.  deciding to keep the baby was not easy.  but very quickly i became excited and enthusiastic as my wee one began to grow and the symptoms hit home. i heard my baby's heartbeat at 10 weeks and was told that all was well.  at 12 weeks i experienced gooey brown discharge. i called my doctor and he insisted that was normal.  i waited one week and slowly all my pregnancy symptoms began to disappear. i called my doctor and he told me 'no worries'. i decided to screw him and went to the emergency clinic.  i had lost the baby.  i had to wait two weeks for a d & c and those were the worst two weeks of my life. 'alien pain' is the ONLY way to describe it. it was absolutely horrible and excruciating. and after the loss, i felt as though my stomach were hollow. i wanted to disappear.  it took me years to admit that i was pregant~i preferred to describe it as 'the time i was sick' or 'my illness'.  my only regret is that i didn't see a counsellor and that i didn't talk about it with anyone. for the next year of my life, i slipped. i broke up with my boyfriend (which was a good thing) i partied (which was not so much a good thing), i got depressed and i left school (which was an ok thing). years later, in hindsight, i never have and never hope to experience anything like that 'alien pain' again. i am now engaged to the love of my life, finishing my MA, embarking on a rather successful career in the arts and very much want to have a baby. it's taken me years to feel that way again. but i must admit that i am overwracked with nerves (am i infertile?, what if i have a miscarriage again?, what do symptoms feel like~do i even remember?)  So thank you for your story.  'Alien pain' is exactly how I would describe it.

[FEMMIE]

My goodness thats a sad horrible experience of pregnancy ..... thats the worst part that was ur first experience with pregnancy and well first experiences are what we all carry forward with us .... the alien pain is a weird thing to explain so i am very grateful u understand .. this was not the first angel i have lost but yet its the one that is hitting me so hard ... i have had 3 miscarriages but my ectopic felt real ???
I cant explain why this one has hit me and yet my three miscarriages ( not that i dont care about them ones ) but they never felt real ... i am now working with a social worker from the local community health clinic to try and move forward and not get stuck living on that day ( november 8th is one day i will never forget!!) thank you for sharing ur experience with me and understanding the "alien pain " .... fingers toes legs and arms r crossed for u and  i hope u get ur "happy ever after " ending soon oxoxoxox

[njeosys]

I got preggo right after my m/c (you can see her pic on my profile when you put your cursor over my user name). Physically, you can get pregnant soon after a m/c, but you should definitely wait until you're emotionally ready.

You're not an alien! I do remember feeling so angry and bitter when I had my m/c. My sis-in-law was due a week apart from me and she didn't lose her baby. I felt like a freak, even though I already had a toddler. I felt broken, like damaged goods. I felt condemned.

I got over my feelings against my sis-in-law. She had a boy (his first birthday is actually TODAY) and quite honestly, I don't really think about the baby I lost. I know God is holding him in his hands, waiting for the day we'll be together again.

Best wishes!

[clumsycole]

thank you for the kind wishes. i most certainly do feel as though i've got my 'happy ever after'
i don't think about the baby as often ~ but it is years later.  i only started to think more so, about a year ago when my best friend got pregnant and i acted as her labour coach.  And of late, because I fear having another miscarriage (although i know my partner would be there to support me this time around making it all that much easier)   i believe now that the miscarriage happened for a reason and that it has worked out all for the best.  while it might seem like a sad story, i think it was an important time in my life and something i needed to go through. surprisingly, it has made me a stronger person.
i'm not sure how fast you would want to be thinking about trying again. i am glad to hear that you are talking to someone. that is something i truly wish i did. i would think it is important not to try again until you are emotionally ready.  my aunt waited a year after her first miscarriage but got pregnant right away after her second.  i have never experienced or known anyone who has experienced an ectopic.  I would imagine the key is that it did feel 'real' to you.  And that is 'real' pain you need to work through.  And of course, I did not mean that you were an Alien~just that the pain, itself, is so surreal and difficult that it feels 'alien'.  my heart is filled with good wishes for you that you will work through this and find yourself and your life at ease once again.

[silverfae]

I was just browsing the forums and felt compelled to leave a comment here.  Almost 10 years ago, I lost my daughter when she was 2 weeks old.  I had gone 4 weeks past my due date, and my doctor had induced me (on my birthday no less) and things just went from bad to worse - my labor was 32 hours of stress on me and my daughter, and my doctor refused to do a c-section.  So, when my daughter was finally born, she was not breathing and needed to be resuscitated.  A few hours later, she started having seizures and had to be rushed and hour away to the nearest NICU.  At first they told us she would be fine - then we were told that she would have mild cerebral palsy, but we were ok with that because she was alive.  But over the 2 weeks, things continued to degenerate and all her organs shut down and we had to make the decision to take her off of life support. I was just barely 19 years old at the time, and it was and still is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.  

10 years later, almost to the day, I found out I was pregnant again.  I have PCOS and it wasn't supposed to be possible without fertility drugs, and we certainly weren't trying.  But here I am, almost 9 weeks pregnant.  I thought that I would be very excited about the prospect of having another baby, but I have found that instead I am terrified, and nearly unwilling to get even a little attached...even after 10 years.  So just keep in mind that when you do get pregnant again, you may have a lot of feelings come up that you didn't expect, but that's normal.  

Secondly, on the topic of seeing horrible mothers with their children - I totally sympathize.  I think it's completely normal to feel that way, and even jealous of your pregnant friends who you know *will* be good mothers.  It's hard to make sense of why it happened to you.  I truly thought that I had made peace with God about my loss, and that there was a reason, and that I understood that reason.  Now that I am pregnant again, I have discovered that my "peace" was what got me through the day, and absolutely what I needed to believe, but that I never really understood why God would do that to someone.  And I probably never will, but that is ok.  

I think that through all of the bad feelings that come up from losing a child (and I truly believe it is the worst pain someone can feel) that the important thing to remember is that nothing you feel is wrong.  Feelings are just feelings, and they will be there whether you label them as wrong or not.  Better to accept them and embrace them as yours then to try not to have them because someone else says you shouldn't, imho.

I am very sorry for your loss, and I truly hope things go better for you next time.  Give yourself some time, but remember that even if you feel ready, some feelings may catch you by surprise.

[clumsycole]

i think silverfae has given you the most beautiful advice.

[kohlby]

Have you had any testing?  I noticed you mentioned that you had 3 miscarriages which is why I asked.  I've now had four miscarriages and have 2 healthy kids.  I didn't push for testing since I had kids. (My pattern:miscarriage, miscarriage, son, miscarriage, daughter, miscarriage).  But after my last one, I felt I needed some basic testing.  It turned out I was positive for factor V leiden.  I was referred to an RE who wants to do even more tests.  So, I can't try this month since I have to wait until the testing is done.  However, I have tried right away every single time.  (Even this last month when I didn't know I wasn't supposed to try again yet since I hadn't seen the RE yet).  My general OB/gyn always tells me that I can try again as soon as the bleeding from the miscarriage stops.  So that's what I do.  I must admit that emotionally I probably shouldn't have done that after my first miscarriage.  But I feel like I need to try emotionally too.  I'm going crazy here having to skip Dec - and quite possibly Jan.  I've never had to skip cycles ttc before and it's very tough on me to not try.

I will be worried next time I get pregnant no matter how long I wait.  But I'm also 34 and DH is 40 so I feel I need to hurry up - especially since I've been able to get pg in 4 cycles or less every time so far.  I don't want to chance fertility issues starting.  And I know miscarriage risks increase with age too.  I will feel better next time under the care as an RE as well.  But I'm also more nervous now knowing I have FVL.  My two healthy pregnancies had no issues related to FVL at all - but there are a slew of possible complications that could have come from FVL.  So with my new knowledge will come treatment, but also more worry.

[FEMMIE]

WOW its all that is coming into my head right now .... ur msg was so honest thank u so much ... i dont want anyone thinking i dont appricate all the advice i am given .... thank u for sharing ur pain and to be honest i didnt even give a thought about the emotions involved in my next pregnancy ... which is maybe something i should be preparing for .... i would rather deal with what i could expect then to go into it blind thank u ........

[FEMMIE]

i havent had testing done .. as the one thing i havent said on this forum is about 3 years ago march 13 i had an abortion i got really drunk at a party on feb 14th and i woke to a man inside me ... police called it date rape ( blood test proved i was spiked ) i refused morning after pill at that point in time only cause i heard it was an abortion pill . 4 weeks later hello positive test ..... i believe with the miscarriages its god who is P.O at me for harming his child and they were my pay back ... stupid huh but i accept that. Its the ectopic i mean i have suffered enough i  think for the abortion .. i was going to keep the baby at first but then my health worker agreed mentally raising a child concieved under rape wasnt a good idea . Also one of my work mates in orange has a child concieved out of an assault and she just cant love her son he is 21 and she gives him  everything money can buy just she has never loved that child and he knows it .... i couldnt do that to a baby ..

[dakmatrix27]

I am so sorry for your loss and deeply understand how you felt.  I just lost my baby at 13 weeks  (25th of July 2011) and same as you, I feel so depressed right now.  I still ask the question--why me? Why my Baby?  And like you I see a lot of news of cruelty to babies/kids and here I am, wanting so much to have a baby to love and care for and then just suddenly lose it.  Mine was my first and now I feel so hopeless because I am 39 and I don't know if I still could get pregnant.  I don't have a partner now so my doctor suggested IVF.  I am not sure if I would resort to that, set aside the cost.  

Have you undergone counselling?  With my depression (I blame myself, my doctor and all the people around me for my miscarriage) I really think I should get one.  

I don't know how to cope with this disaster.  It is so hard.

[amy_1985]

hi,

first of all sorry for your loss i totally understand how you feel iv had 2 ectopic pregnancys and 2 miscarriages its hard to come to terms with the loss of a life you wanted soo much!
You would probably be better starting a new post as this is from 2007 and not many people reply on old posts!!
My thoughts are with you and if you need an ear to bend feel free to message me, iv found some brilliant support on this site since i joined and all the ladies are here for eachother!