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419158 tn?1316571604

To go or not to go???

Ok this is really sad:( My BIL and SIL found out they were pregnant about 4 months after me. She has been sick the whole time but baby looked good. Last week she went to a normal check up baby looked good and so did the heart beat.n Well a few days later she went in for her mid point u/s and found out baby had no HB. She went back the next day for another u/s and confirmed that the baby had died:( She was 5 months along:( They delivered the baby natraly this weekend and she  got to hold her and grieve. the doctors say that the problem was with the cord being around the babys neck and thats why it died. But after the birth they noted the babys head wasnt developed. I dont get it?? The cord was the problem??? But the head wasnt developed?? They are having an abtopsy  (sp) done on baby to find out the exact cause of death. I feel so bad for them:( I want to go to the funeral service they are going to have and lend my support but for some reason feel that my being there will be very hard on my SIL. We arent that close or anything. Do you think I should go ro just send a card or something???
By the way she named their little girl Hope May. Hope woulda had 2 big sisters named Bailey and Shelby:(  Man I feel horrible:(
What should I do??
Please keep them in your thoughts, my SIL isnt doing to well.
14 Responses
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Avatar universal
I am sorry this has happened, and I will give my advice based on my experiance.

I gave birth to my 1st child in 2002, although premature we had no idea what to expect other than a healthy normal baby. Well My daughter was born with a rare genetic disorder, something that wasn't caught on u/s or bloodwork, so we had no idea she had this type of issue. She ended up passing away in my arms about 30 minutes after birth.

I had a funeral service for her, and at the time my sister had just had her daughter 2 weeks before me, and she showed up at the funeral with her baby, and it was very very hard for me to bare. I would sit there and watch her hold her baby and just cry, it was extremely hard. Sometimes I wish I never invited her to the funeral, but I did.

It is totally up to you on what you do, but I suggest calling and asking your brother or BIL and asking if it would be okay to attend, and that you don't want to cause anymore grief being there seems how your pregnant. I wouldnt take any offense to it if they didnt want you to be there either, it is a very rough thing to go through. Hell Im still scared to this day to have kids because of my loss. It would just be something out of respect if you were to ask before you showed up. JMHO
Helpful - 0
287246 tn?1318570063
I agree with your decision.  I would tell her though that you are in her thoughts and prayers and make sure she knows that you didn't go because you didn't want to cause her unintentional additional pain.  Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs you; even if you aren't close.  You'd be surprised how much that means to someone.  

I am so sorry that this happened.  She will be in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That is soo sad, I could never imagine what she is going through and to have to actually deliver the baby, knowing that you are not getting your child at the end of it.
I also say go!  She does need support...and you never know she may be happy to see you there for her.  It will be hard for her regardless, but as long as you are humble about your pregnancy she wont be mad at you.  I think personally I would be more upset if someone didnt show because they thought it might make me upset.
Just a thought on why the baby passed.  You said the cord was wrapped around its neck and its head was under developed.  It could be that there was restricted blood flow to the head due to the cord so it wasnt given the proper blood supply.
Helpful - 0
453888 tn?1273806954
The same thing happened to me and my SIL .... we were due one week apart and she had lost her son at 22 weeks.... the family was devastated ...the baby's cord was longer than normal and he had gotten tangled up in it.... I also had a sister due a couple of months after me... so there where two of us still pregnant.... we felt so bad that she had to go thru this.... We really didn't know what to say or do to help her thru this sad time.... her and my brother had a memorial for "Zachary" and the whole family was there... I couldn't imagine not being there..... You can also say that I am not close to my SIL... but I looked at it as... that was my nephew and my SIL needed all the support she could get..... I totally respect your decision about not going to the memorial.... but don't make your decision based on that you are still pregnant and she isn't..... she is going to need support from whole her family!  Take Care and I wish you all the best!!!!
Helpful - 0
419158 tn?1316571604
Thank you all so much for your advice and thoughts/prayers. I have desisded not to go but to send flowers and a card. And also to let her know that if she needs anything to let me know. I still feel sick to my stomach over this, I just cant imagine finding out my baby has died, let alone having to go through labor and not get to take my baby home with me:(
Thank you again as I couldnt imagine going through this , I have never lost a baby or even m/c so I dont know but I guess you guys are right , I would be the last person she would want to see:(
Helpful - 0
403788 tn?1237037212
Thats so sad, Im so sorry she is going through this.  If I were you I wouldnt go and just explain to your family that you thought it might hurt her more to see you there preg.  I mc in dec and was only like 6 weeks but couldnt bear the sight of prego ladies and babies, it broke my heart.  I think you should make sure she knows your here for her but let her see you when shes ready.  
Helpful - 0
373683 tn?1218997212
I would go..... If I were you.... I would go and pull your SIL aside and just explain to her that you didn't want to come because you thought the thought of her seeing you pregnant, would only upset her.. But that you wanted to show your support...... Just tell her that you are here for her.. Sometimes, it's hard but if you just explain things then it makes it better.. Trust me I know.....
Helpful - 0
304970 tn?1331425994
I agree w/ sweetangel and JoyRenee..

And I am very sorry to hear of this tragedy. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am very sorry this has happened! I have heard of similar things happening. Hopefully the autopsy will reveal what happened.

Because you're not close to your SIL and you're pregnant, it would probably be best to send a card unless she insists you come.
Helpful - 0
435139 tn?1255460391
That is so tragic!  Um, no offense, but if I was your SIL, you'd be the last person I'd want to see!  Even when I mc'd at 11 weeks, I didn't like pregnant ladies and seeing them would make me cry!  I can't imagine the pain she must be going through.  Send a card, and make sure that the family understands why you aren't going...I'm sure they'd understand!  
Helpful - 0
358126 tn?1233015617
I'm sorry for the loss, you all are in my prayers
Helpful - 0
419158 tn?1316571604
No I dont think anyone would think twice if I didnt go I just want to show my support for her by going but not if its going to be too upsetting:( I have only heard about the funeral through my MIL so I guess noone would miss me if I didnt show:(
Helpful - 0
334776 tn?1249968581
if you decide not to go, you can send a card, flowers, and make a donation to an organization in little Hope's name, like March of Dimes, or a relative one.....i think it might upset her if you are there, but at the same time, as mami asked, would your family think it disrespectful if you do not go?

i'm very sorry this happened to your "siblings"...i'll keep them in my thoughts...
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
That is so sad.  I will keep them in my thoughts.  Well, I'm not sure what you should do.  Maybe it might be too much if she sees you pregnant.  Would the family take it as a sign of disrespect if you don't go?  This is a tough one.  I think you should send some flowers and a card to show that they are in your thoughts and prayers and maybe take a step back.  
Helpful - 0
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