Totally OT - The EX

[LauraB78]

I FINALLY (after a month w/ NO returned calls/emails) managed to get in touch w/ him last night and  he hung up on me! after 2 minutes!! I was trying  to tell him about blood work and the schedule of events and my fears, and I wanted to know what to expect in terms of support once he gets his STUPID and unnecessary paternity results, and he said " I still have yet to decide if I want any involvement with this child because of you, Laura.. Have you ever tried to deal with you? It's unpleasant.."

Mother fu**er.. I am so angry.. I have been NOTHING but cordial to him and have tried to keep him involved when most women would have told him where to go regardless.. I HAD to vent. I am so hurt, frustrated, and P I S S E D off right now. I know you all are going to tell me I shouldn't have called.. And etc..

He IS the Father of my child and I am trying to do the right thing by my unborn son..  There is also the issue of Maternity leave to content to as I dont get ANY paid leave, and can "take" up to 12 weeks, but I need to know if he is willing to help financially in that time period b.c I can't do it.. If I have 0 assistance, I can "ill" afford to take 6 weeks maternity leave. I am sooo freaking stressed!!!!!!!!

[babygirl32]

Listen sweet heart , let me tell u . I went through a similar situation as yours but he did want to be involved in his baby life . The only thing was that he just broke my heart into pieces when I most needed him . I cried day & night and went through alot on my own . God is good. Today i'm 39 weeks 3cm dilated and he is the most visible human meat anxious to meet his son k. Know it's up to me what will I do to reward him for  the days of misery he made me go through ( wink,wink) . In a nice way I will make him feel miserableeeeee. On the otherhand, i'm very grateful I had 3 baby showers , worked very hard and i'm just relaxing . You do the same there is no time to stress the baby out and u too. Give yourself that credit that God willing u will be ok. There are many resources out there for mothers that need support . I live in NYC and I have already gotten help. Stay strong sweet God bless u.

[jesslee83]

your advice is awesome, and i sooo totally afree...

on the other hand, i am broke till firday, and i forbid you from mentioning anything like you did above in reference to ice cream, because i get "depressed" when i drive by marble slab/coldstone, and i can't go get any ;)  therefore, i hereby forbid you make any discussions that include the aforementioned!!!


although-----laura, go get some!

[Mumita]

Laura, eventhough I believe in clinical depression I also think that depression has a lot to do with attitude and oulook on life.  If you expect to be depressed once you move then I can assure you that you will.  If you have a good outlook and start seeing it as something that WILL be good for you and your baby and accept that CHANGE is a GOOd thing then you may appreciate it and actually enjoy being in a different place to meet new people and have a new life.
Please try to change your outlook on life, you may be having some problems BUT your problems with your ex are really out of your control  until he decides to stop being an A$$hole which may be never.
  Try to just distancce yourself from all of this negativity, from everything that makes you feel misserable and smell the roses.  There are many many things in life that you can be grateful about, that are beautiful. You have yourself and your health and your hands and two feet and a mind, you can do anything you want in life but you HAVE GOT TO THINK MORE POSITIVE.  Thinking negatively will only attract more negative things.
If nothing else, at least go out tonight and get yourself the biggest Double scoop chocolate fudge brownie sundae  on a waffle cup with lots of whipped cream, almonds and caramel and a cherry on top.  That would make me feel better ANY day.

[LauraB78]

The Doctor said that they don't even do paternity tests on-island... I will have to go off island. Uggh.. The joys of living on a freaking island. He actually said he has NEVER had someone request one, so he needed to do more research. My Quad testing results weren't in yet. Hopefully tomorrow...

I appreciate ALL the advice.. And my ex-fiancee (another @$$, I was still totally damaged from that relationship when I got into this one.. I never learn, I swear!) had to deal w. issues w/ his ex wife re: support and whipped out cancelled checks, receipts, etc. So, I totally know what is like to be on the other side as well. Maybe I am naive but at my age of 30 and his age of 43 respectively, I really thought we could be adults and figure this out but I honestly spend an average of 4 days per week in tears, and 7 days per week stressed out.

I dont have anywhere to go. My parents are divorced, and my Father is NOT supportive of this. (Very religious, and doesn't believe in pre-marital sex) My Mom is disabled, and I have no where to go (Mom lives w/ my sister whom is currently supporting her 3 children and her husband. he was laid off), but I was thinking if I ventured over to the Cape or something I could at least try and get myself back into school part time to further my education because I now have 2 people to support and no assistance. The biggest problem there is I do not know anyone and am scared I would get really REALLY depressed and there is also the issue of having funds to be able to make the move..

I am a wreck, but love you ladies and appreciate all the pointers,. truly. It is fabulous to be able to come on here and gain many different perspectives!

[sweetangel7]

Let us know how the doc visit went

[jesslee83]

i won't say you shouldn't have called.....when you're talking child support and visitation, and after a peternity test shows him as the father, he's going to look like a total @$$.....you attempted to keep him updated on everything involved with the pregnancy, attempted to get him involved before the child was even born, and him doing all this is really going to make him look like i said as a total @$$.....we're going through cs and visitation right now with my DSS.....chris' ex tried to say he hasn't supported her since january of 2005, even though HE is the one who paid off her overdue medical bills(because she was late getting on assistance, and it couldn't be dated back far enough), he paid for his son's circumsision, bought everything for the baby and all that(son born in jan 2004).....she's always been how your ex is now.....but when we whipped out cashed checks, and bank transfers totaling nearly 13K over a 15 month period, well we ain't heard too much from her lawyer since then ;)  (we're not avoiding the support at all, but we sure as **** don't want "back" support b/c she keeps lying about stuff, and if she gets away with it, it's going to take a toll on my older stepdaughter, as she gets practically everything she has from us also)....lord, i should just post a blog about this lol--sorry, didn't mean to trample your post, but i'm on the "other" side, and still, i can very well sympathize with you, and honestly, if he's already decided he wants nothing to do with the baby, i'd file your paternity, and child support, and leave....oh here's something neat to tell you.....MOST states automatically consider the child "sole -property-" of the mother upon birth....you can move, and then have child support set....and then visitation, which he won't exercise anyways.....and don't worry about having to 'answer" to your child later, as he/she will understand you had to move for HIM/HER.....because his father would not "cowboy up" and take care of his "pony" ;)
if you have a support system back home, girl even at 30, i'd get back there.....because your family is going to be alot more "knowing" than he will ever be, and you're still their "little girl" not their "ex-b!tch who's lying about a baby".....your family won't care, cos it's YOUR baby....to me, once a man voluntarily walks away, he voluntarily gives up any and all rights.....and doesnt deserve them back

[Mumita]

I totally agree with Ziggys, you wont get anywhere with calling him, except make him more agrivated.  I'd say go on with your plans of moving, build yourself a new life with baby and forget the sperm donor he's not worth the trouble.
Go to your local Department of Family and Social Services and request child support now cause it will take a while to get.  
it would be nice for your son to have a father, but someone like him wouldn't be worth to know as a father.  He will be grateful to have you as a mother.

[LauraB78]

I just called my Physicians office to get more information on paternity testing, how it works, how long results take, and options, and they said come in at 4. I live in a tiny town and I have known the Dr. for years, and he also knows my baby's Father.. Should be interesting..

I will then ask them if they have any referrals to an attorney, and get the ball rolling. I will need finacial assistance immediately or the baby and I aren't going to fare well.. I guess I really need to throw my concentration into getting "all my ducks in a row."


What a nightmare.. It's hard to believe at this point that I was ever in love with that man.

[sweetangel7]

Yeah...I'd at least consult with an attorney too.  He doesn't seem like he is going to make this easy on you.  An attorney will have all the ins and outs of these kinds of situations and he can tell you when to get the ball rolling etc.  

[ziggysgrl0724]

well, I didn't pursue it right away....but when I did I just went through the county office so it didn't cost me anything, but of course they have SO many cases...mine was pretty simple though because he had signed the birth certificate and an acknowledged paternity.  When I moved to AZ and filed here it took 2 years start to finish but that's with him living in CA, so they had to send it there to enforce it make a ruling.

With your situation, I would at least consult with an attorney because he is probably going to make a big issue out of paternity.

[LauraB78]

It took YEARS to get child support??

Oy Vey... I guess I should get an attorney?

[ziggysgrl0724]

I agree with BTS1022....you can not make anyone be something they don't want to be..whether it is his child or not...I know this first hand.  I have a 7y/o son.  His father was never really all that into being involved and he is completely not in my sons life.  many times i have called him and pleaded with him to just be a father to his son, and it didn't work.  Now, it took a few years but I DO get child support out of him through the courts, but that's all he is to my son....a means of income.  my son calls my DH dad and that is that.  

You need to stop thinking that this is his child so he HAS to participate....that's simply not true...he doesn't HAVE to do anything....HE SHOULD, but that doesn't mean he will.  You are really  going to have to except that all things from here on out are going to be handled by you...find your own means of support until you can LEGALLY get some from him.  you honestly need to stop contacting him...you will NOT get anywhere through contacting him...he has his mind set and that's it...its a harsh reality, but it is that...reality.  Good Luck to you.....just remember....your child will be better off having just one parent that loves him  dearly then having to deal with someone like that.

[LauraB78]

Therein lies the confusion..

He has always been an a$$ to me re: this pregnancy.

He keeps waivering as to whether or not he wants to be involved with his child. I am considering moving, but don't really want to if he a.) he wants involvement with our son and b.) is willing to help financially. I do NOT believe it is in the best interest of our child to not know his Father or to live hundreds of miles away. This is why I get " a hair across my butt" to call him.. I used to try daily.. Now it is 1 or 2 times per week if that. I guess I just hold out hope that he will have some sort of revelation (as he is intelligent) and realize the errors of his ways.. It's complicated. I likely shouldn't hold out hope, but I am aware of his intellect and moral standing and his behavior isn't reflecting the man I (thought I) know..

[BTS1022]

It doesn't sound like he is going to offer any support for you by any means, pregnant or not. Im not trying to be rude or cruel, but this is just what I am getting from the continuous calls and hang ups you go through. I can't really offer any advice as you are going to do what you feel is right by you and your baby, but I can't see how you feel that calling him and making yourself so stressed is going to help any. Everytime you call or get a hold of him it is always the same bull, so why keep doing it to yourself and your baby? I would honestly look else where for assistance because I honestly don't feel he is going to be any help to you. I would get assistance else where and not contact him until his son is finally in this world, and the paternity results are in.

You can't force a man to do anything, and the more you hound them, the less likely they will come around. If he doesn't want anything to do with the pregnancy reguardless of the parental outcome and testing, then so be it. It will cause more issues with your son in the long run if you sit there and try and force his father to do something he doesnt want to do.

[sweetangel7]

Deep breaths...he is a loser...I'm surprised that you managed to have a relationship with someone like him for more than 24 hours!  WELL, good news is child support should kick in as soon as you have the baby SO, hopefully you can count on that money to help you out.  I don't know a lot about child support but I'd assume it starts from day one!  

He seems like he is looking for any excuse to not be a daddy.  First it was paternity and now it is you...sounds like he's trying to just get away from it.  PERSONALLY, I'd call him again and tell him that you would appreciate it if he would not hang up on you, and listen to what you have to say or you will be forced to start sending him certified mail and you will keep copies to show a judge when you are getting your child support situated.  He is making this more difficult than it has to be.  Seriously, I'd start sending requests and questions via cert. mail...keep a paper trail to show you have been mature, responsible and effortful in getting his cooperation in regards to child support, maternity etc.

Honestly, what does your therapist say about him?  I'd really be interested to hear a professional's point of view!

Hugs, try not to stress and remember we are all here for you!