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Venting :'(
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Venting :'(

I don't know even know what to say right now besides thank you to those who've shown their support and have been there to help me with anything I had questions about. I really appreciate all of you. I was just looking at my tests I took with the blue dye. I know they can cause false positives. I've taken two of them now I remember and have them both sitting in my lap. I put them both together and they both still show a faint positive that is blue.

I'm here crying my eyes out. I posted that I was having some light spotting that was not even coming out of me yet which was light brown/pink. It never managed to come out and now I can start to see a little of it. I did a finger test and it's red. not up to my cervix. Just right inside. WOW. Just imagine having your whole world coming down a little at a time and then out of nowhere it's bam bam bam bam bam. All of it suddenly just smacks you in the face.

Having a baby conceived on my Aunts birthday would have been the best gift I could have given her. She passed away August 29th. She was out with our family and couldn't swim. She jumped into the water and was going to hold on to the boat and the current took her under. Her birthday was October 29th which is the day I ovulated. My period was due 11/12... It's just about an hour shy of being 11/14. It would have been going on two days late. They are always spot on. Even after my m/c in June. I am seeing red blood which is never a good sign for a ttc'r if they believed with all their hearts they were pregnant. I wrote my Aunt a letter and threw it into the water where she drowned...Asking her to please talk to God for us for a baby. It's something we both want so badly. We need to feel like a family. It's something both of our hearts call out for.


I feel like such a let down! My DF is my best friend. I love him with all of my heart. We both still cry sometimes over the m/c in June. So having those two faint positive tests... leads me to believe it could have been a chemical pregnancy. BUT, I really don't know. I had a lot of symptoms that I did not make up in my head cause I could live without them personally. I was taking it one day at a time. My heart is in a million pieces. He called me from work on his break and we talked about what was going on. He mentioned about taking a break next month. A part of me thought for a minute I wanted to because I'm feeling exhausted from all the negatives. But, on the other hand... You never know what God has in store for you. So I told him we would continue TTC next month.


DF doesn't want to believe that this is my period ( I am still not 100% that it is...probably about 80%)...He sends me text messages saying he read that a lot of women bleed throughout their pregnancy and still have a healthy baby. He wants a baby just as bad as I do. But the test I took today was negative. I don't know if it's because I didn't hold my urine long enough or if it was diluted or what. I'm so lost and I feel like I'm letting my DF down each month. At the end of this month it will be 5 months since we've been TTC. I know it can take up to a year to conceive. I just don't know how I deal with the disappointment each month.

I want to say I still have the hope in my heart but I don't! I don't like the color red AT ALL!.... DF is trying to stay positive but I can tell in the sound of his voice that he's upset, too. I'm sorry for all the ranting. I just needed to vent this out. I know this may sound completely stupid but I feel like I'm mourning my Aunt's death all over again. We REALLY thought I was pregnant and thought she had her hand played in this. I felt comforted by that thought. My mom still has my Aunt's ashes at her house... DF and I went over there and I went to talk to my Aunt and told her Thank you for helping us. DF did it too when he didn't think I heard it. That's how SURE we thought we were pregnant. Every day I miss my Aunt and everyday I miss what would have been my family.


Lord, please help me get through this. I need you right now. Good luck to all you ttc'rs.. I know that it gets hard. I will still be here. Y'all are definitely a good support group. I wish I could say I don't think this is my period.. But even I don't know. It really does feel like it's coming. I'm not cramping just yet. Only had one small one since I saw the red blood. Thank you again for all of the comforts and advice.
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6 Comments Post a Comment
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1330108_tn?1333680904
Hang in there. I know how frustrating it is. It took me 34 months to get pregnant I felt like it was never going to happen and still to this day my miscarriage is the most devistating this I have ever experienced. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers that this pregnancy is viable and this spotting will disappear quickly. I too got pregnant the month that someone very close to me passed away. A good friend of mine. We even shared the same birthday!  I found out I was pregnant after 34 mths ttc a few days after my friend and i's birthday. I am now 27 weeks pregnant. I know it is hard to have faith and I swear the next person who told me "it happens when you least expect it" or "everything happens for a reason" was going to get knocked out by me. Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes bad things happen to good people and it isn't fair in the least. I am so sorry :(
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349463_tn?1333575176
I'm sorry that your feeling so stressed out about ttc right now. I know how it is to when you start trying to get pregant after a miscarriage. It's harder every month and so the only advice I can offer is what worked for me. We had to take a few months off from ttc and focus our energy and attention on other things. My husband and I both needed a break and when we started again it was stress free. I even got pregnant on the second month we tried. If the pressure starts to take over your life then I suggest taking a break even if just for a month. Remember it can take the perfectly healthy couple several months to conceive. Keep at it and take care of yourself it will happen.
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1399033_tn?1395940058
My bleeding is really heavy. I'm always changing a pad or like now I'm having to wash my clothes I slept in and my bed sheets. The cramps hurt. I'm just so tired now... sigh....



Thank you for your kind words ladies. They do mean a lot and I appreciate them very much.
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283175_tn?1295540865
Im sorry hun.it does get better I promise,we were alos trying for a long many years.lots of heartbreak on the way,you will get there.Hun if your bleeding heavy,and changing your pads often,more than 1 an hour.I would go to your er just to get checked over.unless you have period when this always happens,then you need to get checked.
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1399033_tn?1395940058
It's new to me so I will check
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349463_tn?1333575176
You know what next time you test don't even bother with those stupid blue dye tests! I would want my money back for that one.
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