What Should We Do?

So...

My boyfriend and I talked a little bit to his grandma and basically what we got out of it was a lot of nothing. Pretty much shes not going to quit smoking (she completely denies buying cigarettes on her own she claims she was buying tomatoes and chiles but I saw the cigarette pack tucked in her shirt it was very obvious). And she doesnt know what we're going to do about the rent situation (I posted a different post called SUPER STRESSED or something like that explaining the situation if you want to read it). We tried talking to her about this stuff so we could figure out a plan of what we're going to do. But anyways : my question to you guys is: Should we tell her now that we ARE going to move out on our own once we have the income to do so because she won't quit smoking and we will not be subjecting our health and our baby's health to second hand smoke any longer or should we tell her that once we're ready to move out? I know its most likely going to make her mad but I don't know if its better to tell her now so that maybe it will give her a reality check and it will be the thing that helps her to quit smoking or if it will just tick her off and make things worse. What do you guys think?

[jenamariem24]

It sounds to me like ur trying to get ur grandma to quit smoking because you all live together n u don't want ur health or the babies at risk? I completely understand, of course u don't want to be around dangerous smoke. However, u can't make someone quit smoking if they don't want to. The most u can do is support someone who wants to quit. I quit when I found out I was pregnant. My husband still smokes though, just not around me, and we have never smoked in our house because we have a toddler. But it sounds to me like ur living with grandma in her house. I understand you don't want ur baby in danger of smoke, but I personally wouldn't feel I had the right to tell someone what to do if I were living in their house. You can't get mad at her if she doesn't want to quit (even tho it is dangerous to herself n others). It's her house. Maybe talk to her n ask if she would be willing to smoke outside? If not then that's her decision. It's her house her rules. Ur job is to do wat u feel is best for baby, n if moving out is best then go for it.

[mrssandefur]

I've read a few of your posts about this situation. I think that you and your boyfriend should sit down and tell her now as apposed to.later. Cause this way she will have.time to figure out what she is gonna do for herself if y'all do get evicted. Which from reading the last post about her SS compared to rent that will happen. As far as the rent situation goes. Just do.some research on programs around your area, also try a church. Talk to the local Medicaid office too I'm sure they can help. Also talknto your dr and see what he/she knows cause youd be surprised what they deal with everyday putside of pregnant women lol. I'll keep y'all in my thoughts and prayers! Good luck and please keep us updated. I always hate hearing stories like this it makes me so sad :(

[isntsure]

Well I know that I can't force someone to quit thats what frustrates me cause I wish I could (dont we all? lol). I know that even if we offered her all the help in the world that if she isnt cooperative and doesn't want to then she wont and the help will be no good. Thats why the convo we just had with her really bummed me out. I do know that its her house and its her rules but I couldn't help but try and talk to her about the effects of her smoking in hopes that she would realize how bad it is and that itd cause her to stop but it just seems that my efforts have been futile. Which is why my boyfriend and I are going to move out when we can because it is her house and her life and she will do what she wants with it whether we like it or not. I was just hoping that she would quit and that telling her that we are going to move out because of her smoking and that she wont be able to see the baby often would spur her to quit. Which is why I was asking what you guys thought of when we should tell her. She does smoke outside but sometimes she'll leave the door open and the house is so old I can smell her smoking outside while I'm inside because of the windows. And even when she comes in I can still smell the smoke just as if she was smoking that instant. I'm sorry if I'm coming off whiney or complaining but I just wanted to vent and ask about it and get some support because its really depressing me.

[isntsure]

Yeah thats what I was thinking too but my boyfriend is just apprehensive about it because its his grandma and she raised him and he isn't looking forward to him most likely losing relationship (or at least a good relationship) with his grandma. Cause that way it would give her the opportunity to know that we are serious and we will move out if it doesn't change so if she wanted to change she'd be given that chance. I did do research about the programs in our area and was given really depressing unhelpful news: due to budget cuts there are basically NO housing programs available for emergency rental assistance and the ones that are available wont be available for a long time. And the housing programs waiting list I was told is over a year long. So the only option we have is going down to dshs and hoping that they'll be able to help us. Cause if they can't then I don't know what we're going to do. I'll definitely keep you guys updated if you want. Yeah I'm sorry I keep posting about my stuff and I know people probably dont want to read it but I really have no one else to go to to talk about it. My dad is dealing with a lot of mental problems and my mom is very manipulative and I'm not close to any other members of my family.

[Starzabove9]

Your not coming off whiney at all. You have a right to be upset. Yeah I know its her house, but darn it its the health of her great grandchild. It is very selfish. I think youre doing the right thing by leaving, since she doesnt want to make the effort. You should tell her now, so she is perpared when you leave. Good for you for being such a concerned and good mom. =D

[isntsure]

Thanks :) I feel like I'm whining but I also feel justified because like you said it is her future grandchild but idk. I guess its just my inner momma bear already coming out lol. Yeah I feel its only fair that we tell her ahead of time so she has the chance to change only problem is is that I have a feeling it will just make her mad. So that won't be any fun to deal with but hey her continuing to smoke makes us mad so idk. Thanks again for your words they make me feel better about what we're doing. Like reassurance we're doing the right thing :) I appreciate it.

[Starzabove9]

=D anytime, you do what you need to, to make sure you and your baby are healthy.

[mrssandefur]

I know here in.Texas if you have a child or one almost here and are already homeless then they'll move you up. You just have to.go.in and tell them. "I have no.place to.live I'm literally homeless right now, can you help.me at all?" Idk where you live though.

[isntsure]

Thanks so much :) we're going to do our best to ensure our baby and our family is ok :)

[isntsure]

We live in washington but I completely forgot to mention that I'm pregnant because I was so stressed out I didn't even think about it lol. Wow can't believe I forgot to mention that. But a while ago we were applying for places and found a GREAT place but then thats when our finances went kaput so we had to say we couldn't rent it. So that gives us hope that we'll be able to find another place thats great once we have the money to apply and pay rent and the deposit. We're going to talk to her (my boyfriend's grandma) again today about what we forgot to talk to her about yesterday. Which is asking about cleaning the house by having a yard sale and donating whatever else doesn't get sold. That would DEFINITELY help with the money for rent. Although I know its her stuff and I'm not expecting her to say yes at all but we're going to at least try. So heres hoping :)

[marajean21]

Maybe talk to her about it wgen you have half the money. Then it'll still give her time to get it in her head, but you will also have a head start if she tries kicking you out before whatever day you give her. Some places will work with the sec deposit if you can put half down then half with the next month's rent. Don't make it seem like she can't still be in the pic but rather how important it is to you to keep a smoke free environment and she would be more than welcome to visit..but when you get the place tell her when she's there that there is no smoking in the house and if there are steps or a tree, ir really anything in the yard, tell her she has to smoke at least that far to ensure the smoke doesn't come back in

[marajean21]

I wouldn't make it completely about smoking eithed, tell her you and bf need your own place to start a small family together. That might keep her from feeling like you're just pulling him from her bc even she has to know that's usually what happens in life at some point or another

[isntsure]

I was also thinking about that too (I swear you ladies read my mind sometimes lol) because I have no doubt in my mind that this will tick her off but hey the way I see it is maybe this will be a reality check for her about smoking. I know this is going to sound really bad but I just am already feeling SUPER protective over our baby: when we do get our own place (in the event that shes still smoking) I don't want her holding the baby or around the baby unless she takes a shower and is wearing clean clothes that haven't been smoked in. And there will be no smoking whatsoever at our house. If she gets the urge to smoke then she will have to leave (or at least thats what I prefer) and I'm thinking maybe even have her chew some gum if her breath smells like smoke because I don't want smoke breath going all over the baby when shes fawning over the baby you know? I know that probably sounds horrible but thats just how I feel about it. I guess I feel so strongly about it because I grew up with my mom and family smoking around me and I hated it. I do want her to be in the picture its not that I don't like her I just don't like her actions (smoking) and I'm not going to allow smoking or smoke around our baby just for the sake of being nice. I hope she'll quit but I don't know. I'll let you guys know how our talk goes when we talk to her again. Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it :)

[isntsure]

Well the problem with not making it all about the smoking is that if it wasn't for her smoking we wouldn't have a problem with her living with us. Because my boyfriend's grandfather just died this march and his grandparents are the ones who raised him so he really doesn't want to leave his grandma and I don't want to be mean and leave her all by herself but this is our baby's health and I'm not willing to jeopardize that for anybody. We all sleep together in the living room because she is scared to be by herself at night so I do feel bad about this but its whats best. So it really is about the smoking because if she wasn't smoking we'd continue to live together until she passed.