dont know what to do, 20 years old at university, muslim family

i dont know what to do, im not looking for any answers, i know ultimately that its something me and the potential daddy need to decide, but im so anxious and worried. i spoke to my mum today, and my sister, and the fella, all are under the impression that continuing with the pregnancy would be a silly idea... but it's there now and it's apparently the size of a poppy seed, heart beat and everything. any advice?

[alaysha]

Do what YOU want to do. When I got pregnant I was 19 years old and in college as well. The father prayed every single day that I would have a miscarriage and my family were all super against it (other than my sisters) trying to talk me into abortion or adoption. I didn't believe in either and although I knew it would be hard I decided to keep her. It turned out to be the best decision of my life. Everyone may be upset now about it but trust me as soon as they see that little baby everyone is going to be in love. Don't let anyone tell you what to do with your body it is your decision to make.

[ashiepooh]

Well, like you said it's up to you and the daddy.  You two need to talk about it, because if you decide to keep the baby it's a big responsibility...  But you really need to mull over your options.  With an abortion, you can always regret it.  Of course, if you didn't want to the baby but didn't want to abort, you could go through the adoption process.  

I'd google abortion, if you haven't already and read up on it.  Go to a planned parenthood and get all the information!  They also have information on raising kids, and what not too.  =)  Good Luck with your decision!

Don't let anyone tell you what to do, it's ultimately your choice, but it's between you and the dad.  

[sweetangel7]

I agree with the other ladies...it is your choice...be sure it is what YOU want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks!

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

iv just been told i dont have a choice...i know id lose all security i have, im not financially stable. iv told the dad and my mum that i wudnt carry it through, but pregnancys a weird time, all you can seem to do is think about it....my heads well and truly mashed, i just wish it hadn't have happened in the first place, but i cant turn back time can i? im so scared of losing out on my degree, im only a first year student...

thanks for the replies btw xxx

[ashiepooh]

There are plenty of grants and scholarships you can get to send a baby to daycare and pay for school.  The state offers medical assistance, especially if your a student!  So there is options!  

I know plenty of ladies who had left for two quarters and went back after the baby was born and in daycare.  They went on to get degree's.  I know there are plenty of ladies on here doing the same thing as well!  =)  

I would get all the information about all your choices, and go from there.  The worst thing your parents can do to you is tell you they wont pay for anything, they can't force an abortion on you!Especially if it's not what you want!  =)  Maybe talk to the finacial aid office or coucelors at school, to see what all your options for grants and scholarships are!  I know the universities in my state offer a daycare program with a discount for mothers who continue their education.  THey also offer online classes for when in the third trimester. and right after baby is born!

[alaysha]

I was in my first year of college and I dropped out to have my baby. Went back to school in August of this year and have been supported by grants and scholarships. I dont have a job (although I would like to get something part-time) but I am given about 7000 a semester to help me pay my bills, rent, clothing, and whatever. I also have medicaid insurance which covers everything that I need to get done, wic to help with formula, and food stamps. No matter what happens you do have options.

[sweetangel7]

Ashie is right...it seems single moms get a lot of benefits...free college, free food, free child care, free insurance, free stuff for baby (car seats, diapers, formula etc.)  No offense anyone...just my observation!  Of course, I live in MA and we give benefits out like candy lol  I wouldn't be afraid of finishing my degree if I were you...you will have soooooo many resources that others don't have!  I had to pay for all of the above and I have done just fine lol

[justice6920]

Oh hun, Im sorry your going through this..... BUT ashiepooh has some GREAT advice.... there are grants and scholarships all tons of other options.... I know this seems like probably the scariest thing that you have ever been through but just know that things happen for a reason and have a way of working themselves out.... Plenty of women have done school and being a  first time mom at the same time.... Just review your options and let the decision you make be YOURS and not from the pressure of your family..... Good Luck

[pinkbelle]

I was a freshman in college when i got pregnant with my daughter ans just like alaysha said it can be done!!!  Its your body you decide what YOu want to do.... don't let anyone pressure you into anything .. afterall you are the one who is gonna have to live with your decision so make sure you think hard a nd long about it and decide what it RIGHT for you

[UmYusra]

hi, i'm sooo sorry you r going through this!!! but if this is what u want to do you can go through it and become even much more stronger person.
i was 2nd year university when i become preg with my little girl now almost 3 years, i managed to finish the 1st semester of the 2nd year and took a break for a year. i went back to uni when my girl was 6 months to complete my degree and graduated last month, it just feels like having the best of the both worlds!!!!. as it is  been already mentioned abortion is  an option to be regretted rest of ones life!!!! and there most be lots of benefits and financial  help available to alone mothers, what ever your decision might be good luck    

[jdamico]

well i  also got pregnant with my daughter at  19  and i was in  my frist  year of very intense medical  technolgy program  i was going through the  same thoughts u were going  through. I  decided to  keep her and never looked back  i finished  top in my class and graduated in  2004 for  my dual degree . So it can be  done. I would def  read up on  adoption  if u dont think keepin the baby is and  option. there  are plenty  of programs  out there to help  single  mothers who want to continue  their education. it is  ur choice don't let  any one tell  u  what is right  for  u  good luck

[sarah3333]

As everyone said it really your decision. But personally I don’t think abortion is a good ideal.
I never I had an abortion, but after I got married I been trying to get pregnant, I try everything I could It was impossible. God finally made a miracle for me three months ago, I am  now 14 weeks pregnant .  A baby is really a gift from God, if you keep it God will make way for you and that baby.  If not why not think of Adoption, they is so many people who want a kid this forum page. Any way which ever decision you make I wish you look.

[JoyRenee]

Where do you live? You always have a choice- no one can make you have an abortion. Your little one has a heartbeat and brain waves, as you said, so you know you'd be ending the life of your son or daughter. It's heavy stuff and a really tough decision to make but you don't have to make the choice TODAY. Give yourself time. EVERY single pregnant woman (even the ones who plan to have a baby) doubt themselves and the pregnancy.

Please know that whatever you decide you will have friends here to help you.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first daughter. She is now 3 1/2 years old and I wouldn't have given her up for anything.

[JoyRenee]

Oh and can I just ask... what do YOU want to do? All you said was that everyone else said it was silly to remain pregnant. But what does your heart say? This is YOUR baby and you are the only one who can protect them if you are wanting to keep them. If you get an abortion and you don't want one, you will regret it the rest of your life. Even women who wanted an abortion suffer with depression and regret.

I am not saying all of that to be mean at all. I am very concerned for you and I hope you make the right choice.

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

thanks everyone for the comments. in reply to joyrenee i live in lancashire.
i dont want to get rid of my baby, but i honestly dont have a choice. its been eating me up for days, and i know that after iv been through what has to happen i'll feel even worse. the one thing i always promised myself was that if i got myself pregnant, id deal with it, not get rid of it. spoke to the fella tonight, and bless him, he's trying to be supportive and tells me he'll support me either way, but i know in his heart he doesnt want me to have a baby. got the first doctors appointment tomorrow morning, havent been able to sleep since i found out, just napping throughout the day. i know i could be a great mum given half a chance. i grew up without family around me, yeah i had my mum n sister, but children need there aunties, uncles, cousins, nanas. my child would have none of this at this point. i had so much more planned for my life, to give my child, to inspire them to go on and get an education, make something of themselves. i know that many of you have gone on and got yours, but i don't think id be able to go back. i'd have to move into my own house, pay my own way 100% (obviously with the governments help), and be strong enough to bring up a child knowing im excluding them from what family life they should have.
mum told me tonight that im playing with her head, changing my mind every two minutes, coz i keep promising her that ill do what she wants me to do, but every second im alone i know what id do if I had the CHOICE, and she would be supportive enough to allow me that choice.
mums been through two courses of IVF in the past year, third attempt coming up. How is that going to make me feel, should it work!? obviously id be happy for her, but deep down im always going to know why i could never give my baby a chance, and every year approaching my due day, how am i going to feel?

im going to allow myself a bit of time, but the longer i leave it the more attached im going to become i know that, and if i cant have my baby, its going to tear me apart.  i can see i'll end up resenting those that have stopped me, well iv already started resenting them.

tomorrows the day of my first examination, im guessing they'll tell me everything i need to know then..

thanks for all the comments, you've all helped a lot. it helps speaking to people who don't know you really doesnt it, you cant be judged...

xxx

[JoyRenee]

My heart is breaking for you, sweetie. No one should have to choose between their family or their unborn baby. I don't know where Lancashire is (is that in the US?). I assume it is part of the Muslim belief that if you get pregnant before marriage that your family turns their back on you, right? Kind of like kids who leave their Amish roots cannot go back to the Amish community?

If you ever want to chat privately, to vent and get your thoughts out, I'm on here throughout the day so feel free to message me anytime. I used to work at a crisis pregnancy center. We helped many girls who thought it was hopeless and they were able to stand on their own two feet and keep their baby. *HUGS*

[anxi]

Sweetheart  It really seems like you want to keep your baby.  Maybe you should tell your mum and family what you just told us.  If you can't say it have them read it.Do not worry about your baby not growing up with family.  People like to be judgemental and talk behind each others backs.  I also come from avery conservative background and understand the type of pressure you are under but honestly once these people, family members see what an angel your baby is they will come around.  I'm not saying things will be easy but if you feel forced into a decision you don't want to make then you will end up losing your family anyway.  Nothing will be the same between you and them ever again  

My husbands sister got pregnant at 20 and her parents cried for weeks.  It was the worst thing that could ever have happened according to them.  And the father was such a "Loser and an A hole"  Let me tell you now her son is one year old and the light of his grandparents life.  People  often react very badly to things they believe are shameful but in the end they come around.  I think what your Parents need to decide is if they want to gain a grandchild or lose a daughter.

You are a strong woman not everyone gets into college or has the strength of character to even try.  Know this if you want to have your baby and finish school you will.  There are many resources out there for you.

Having said all this if  you end up having an abortion that is ok too just make sure that is what you want.  And that it is right for you  

I'm sending you love and kisses

[JoyRenee]

I love what anxi just wrote, especially about how it will never be the same between you and your family no matter what you decide to do. I'd like to share my story.

I got pregnant when I was 19, unmarried. We had to tell my mom (she was dying and died a month after we told her) and we had to tell my boyfriend's parents (he's now my husband). His father is a pastor and his mom is the epitomy of all that is innocent. They were very disappointed in us and it was hard. I didn't feel close to her and I had lost my mom.

Once my daughter was born, though, everything changed. My MIL picks up my daughter every Wednesday for homeschool and she often calls me to tell me how much joy my daughter brings to her.

My little girl is 3 1/2 now and I cannot imagine ever having ended her life while pregnant with her. Because I know what she looks like, how funny and intelligent she is and she looks just like I did when I was little. She's a part of ME. I still can't even believe we created her.

As anxi also said, try talking to your mom. Write a letter if you can't get it out. Let her know that it would be the biggest regret of your life. You sound like you do not want to have an abortion. In fact you don't even say the word at all. You even refer to your little one as a "baby" and not something else.

Whatever happens we're here for you girl!

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

thanks again ladies..

after i thought things couldnt get any worse...walked into the doctors surgery today and instead of being asked how i felt about the pregnancy, i was asked...." have you started taking folic acid yet? we try to get all mummys-to-be on folic acid asap"....nothing could have prepared me for that... broke my little heart.

sending me for an early scan to see how far gone i am, eventually the doctor (must have been 4 years older than me), checked my belly incase it was an ectopic pregnancy, coz id been taking the pill throughout the month that i concieved.

had a blood test, to confirm there is BHCG in my blood, and that there isn't any signs of anaemia.

got home and went straight to bed, mum came in and started asking if my "Little problem was sorted", treat it like "a gyny problem hun, were they just need to give your period a kick start", gob smacked!

havent been able to eat or drink, even more importantly SMOKE!! thats how i know somethings different, im a 15 a day smoker...!!

iv been told to "go out and get drunk tonight, it'll make you feel soooooo much better", by a friend...

i agree with what was said about gaining a grandchild or losing her daughter, i suppose its gonner hit her hard, because its ME she speaks to for support through her IVF, ME who she speaks to when her IVF doesnt work... but how am i going to find the strength to be happy for her, or cry with her when it does or doesn't work?

i dont want to solve "my little problem", i want to keep "my little problem".

anyway iv got another week to decide, so fingers crossed, hopefully ill find the strength in the next 7 days (in between two 3000 word assignments) to do what i know is right...

thanks for the support ladies...

xxx

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

ohh and btw lancashire is north west england xx

[ashiepooh]

Oh  my, do not go out and drink!!!  

Gosh, I am sorry your mother is being like this.  

"i dont want to solve "my little problem", i want to keep "my little problem"."
I think right there you have your answer!  If you truly want to keep your baby, i'd go about looking into those finacial aid and medical options now!  The Folic acid helps the baby, with preventing defects.  You said that the dad said he would support your choice, but doesn't 100% want it?  Well, I know a lot of guys who are freaked out about everything when they hear their girlfriend is pregnant.  They will overcome this feeling, when they hear a heartbeat, and or see the baby on the ultrasound!  

Maybe tell your mom, if she expects you to support her with IVF then she NEEDS to support your decision!  

Keep us posted!  And try not to stress to much!!!  =)

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

hes not really interested in listening to any of that, he told me he wont be looking up what our child is looking like at 5/6 weeks old, coz itd torment him, i asked him how his parents would react and he said he didnt no, suppose its better than mine!!

he said to me that he'd always support me 100% even though he knows how i feel about it...

i.e. please god dont have the baby...

i like the advice, stressing too much makes things a lot more complicated...

xxxx

[ashiepooh]

=)  Awww, well hang in there!!  Atleast he will support your decision though!  Which is a big step in any direction!  

His parents probably would take it better.  

Maybe just relax, do your homework, and then just ponder it.  Maybe go for a walk and clear your head some!  

[JoyRenee]

Folic acid is important during pregnancy, as are prenatal vitamins. Many women miss their prenatals or forget to take them every now and again and it is not a major problem. So don't worry about that. Just go get some at the pharmacy and take one a day! And definitely make sure you eat and drink plenty of water. I know you're feeling really low and depressed right now.

I have a suggestion and it is NOT ideal but you want to keep your baby so I'm going to offer this to you. There are Maternity Homes for pregnant women. You live there for free and finish school while you are pregnant. Some girls go there with the intention of adopting their baby out or because they want to learn skills to keep their baby. They also teach you how to dress and bathe baby and how to feed baby, too!

We have these in the US. Not sure about England but definitely worth trying to find. Look in the phonebook under ABORTION-ALTERNATIVE for a pregnancy center in England. Birthright is a worldwide organization that will help you get the information you need. You can check out their website at birthright.org to see if there is one near you.

I'm not giving up on you, girl! You want your baby and I'm going to try to help as much as I can to make sure that happens.

[Griggsy]

I have had many issues trying to get pregnant , and I easily could have walked down the IVF pathway. During my struggles trying to get pregnant many many friends and family members conceived. One of those friends was 17, in high school, and the father a dead beat. I cried wondering why do people get pregnant when they aren't ready for it and I was so jealous. Being an adult, and capable of thinking clearly I realized that I was horribly jealous, and that they deserved to have a baby just as much as me.

Each after I got my head cleared of jealousy I was able to see just how happy their children made me, and just how much they needed those particular children.

My point is that your mum may be just a bit on the jealous side therefore not giving you the best sound advice.  The father is probably scared, and having many fears and worries of his own. I wouldn't base such a difficult choice off of others emotional reactions.  I know I'm certainly not level headed if I'm emotional.

It sounds to me like you want this baby, to be honest I want you to have this baby too. You sound very smart, and that you already are a wonderful mother because you are having such a hard time making the choice.

I know that you are worried about going back to school once you have the baby, but trust me everything will all work out. Whether you do or don't, everything always works out if you make the choices that you won't be regreting in a week, month, or a lifetime. Hang in there!

[justice6920]

Griggsy!!, I was just thinking the same thing.... I think it could definitely be a bit of Jealousy on your mothers part especially since she is having such a hard time conceving.

Again I am so sorry that your going through all of this.... BUT it does sound like you want your little one.... Just remeber its a blessing from god weather your mother sees it that way or not.... and I can almost guarantee that once you stand strong and tell her what you have decided that she will have no choice but to come around... and I am sure she will..... and worst case scenario she wont..... but you do have the support of the father weather he seems a little scared about it now, i am sure he will come around too.....so  your not alone, you sound like a very strong and smart woman.... You will be just fine! Good Luck hun

[martikadragoon]

I'm sorry for you going thru this. I think in the end it's your choice,  however personally I Do NOT believe in abortion unless the mothers life is in danger or the baby is already dead.

And just remember if you decide to keep the baby, if you have to you can always have an open adoption where you get to meet and know the adoptive family.

All men are scared at first, but it passes, especially when they feel that first kick.

[zakanunu]

Hello, thought I would say something on behalf of a Muslims point of view. I am a 25 year old Muslim woman from South Africa. My younger sister fell pregnant at 21 years old.  My mom was very hurt and my dad even more hurt.  She and her hubby (then boyfriend) considered abortion because he already had a son.  My sister and her boyfriend were pushed into marriage and within in a week they were married.  They have had their ups and downs but are still together and have a beautiful son Zakariya. We love him to bits and my parents love him to bits too.

My sister was a third year Finance student and left her studies to have her baby, she will resume her studies next year (Insha-Allah [If God wills]}.  Like I said before my sister also considered abortion but I talked her out of it. My parents eventually changed their tune. I would like to add that my sister was also suffering from depression to make matters worse and has a hearing disability with which she has to deal with. She has overcome these problems and just proves that babies are a blessing.

When my parents held my nephew in their arms, they melted and all that my sister had done was forgotten!

Being a Muslim we know that termination can only take place in the very early stages if its a matter of life and death.  here is a paragraph taken from an Islamic site called Raza... It is not meant to scare you or anything like that and please don't think I am preaching.  Before you read this, I would like to echo what some of the ladies have said before, your mom might be a bit jealous that she is trying so hard to have a baby and here you are with baby already.  I have also been trying and have had no luck, its difficult for me to watch my younger sister with her baby but I know, its Allah's will. He will bless us soon enough. Good luck with your choice and we are here for you all the way.  Remember your decision which ever you make will guide you to your future.  

24. Is abortion allowed in Islam?

By definition, abortion is the termination of pregnancy. It may be practised in Islam when it has been ascertained by a pious Muslim doctor that there is a definite fear of the mother's life being in jeopardy as a result of the pregnancy. Islam upholds the sanctity of life and is opposed to abortion. There are numerous verses in the Holy Quran, which testify to this. For example, "And kill not your children for fear of want (poverty): it is We Who shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you." (17:31) and "Do not take another human being's life - (the life) which Allah has willed to be sacred - otherwise than in (the pursuit of) justice." (17:33) From the general teachings of the Holy Quran and the Sunnah, it is clearly established that life, in whatever form, is to be preserved and not destroyed, except for a valid cause or reason. Muslims should place their faith and trust in Almighty Allah and His beloved Rasool (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam) and should not resort to the cruel practise of abortion on demand.

[zakanunu]

I hope I have not offended anyone. I am not deeply religious myself and I am sure if I was in your shoes I would have been faced with the same decisions.  

[dontknowwhattodo2008]

the pains started on friday nite at work, then i noticed a tiny bit of blood... next to come was the phonecall to nhs direct to make sure everything was alright, it appears that i had made my decision, and was willing my baby to keep fighting inside of me.

only a tiny trickle of blood on friday nite, then sunday evening, 7.30 excrutiating pain and a hell of a lot of blood.

was meant to go for the early scan on monday morning, but was up all nite in agony. monday evening managed to go to work, still bleeding heavily. arrived at A and E at 11.30pm. took 3 hours to be seen by a doctor, they tried to admit me to the ward warning me that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. i wanted badly to come home, so she gave me my latest blood test result. my HCG levels have DROPPED substantially. from 1000...to just 30. its not a viable pregnancy, and i was told to expect to miscarry completely by next week. i thought MC's happened within a few hours and that was it.

the cruelty of the doctor i saw was unreal. after asking me whether i was married, lived with my boyfriend, was religious and was studying, he saw me cry, and told me "God was helping me, by taking my baby".

dont know what else to say really, am absolutely gutted, and terrified for when its going to actually happen.

thanks for reading...

over n out

x

[ashiepooh]

Some m/c's take some time to happen.(week or 2)  I am sorry your going through this, and I am sorry about the doctor who treated you!  

I hope all is well, and you can get through this!  Just hang in there!

[justice6920]

Oh hun, I am so sorry your going through this! You are in my thoughts and prayers.... We are all here if you need to vent or talk! (((HUGS)))

[JoyRenee]

That was really unnecessary for your doctor to say and I would report him if I were you. It's none of his business.

Miscarriages can take 2 weeks to begin and the bleeding usually lasts about a week. I have been in your shoes twice, the most recent just 3 weeks ago. Take your time to heal. God didn't take your baby and He certainly isn't punishing you. We live in a world where bad things happen but it doesn't mean it is God's fault. *HUGS*

[at1986]

oh my god i have just read every single post what an absolutley tragic story i am so sorry for you i myself have suffered a miscarriage in June and you need time to rest and amend yourself physical and mentally. Take some time out for yourself! I would be fuming if that was my parents bcos if i was u and they had started saying things like its for the best etc i would be a bit like oh u speak 2 me but u wudnt b4?! I know where Lancashire is hun m from England also.Message me anytime.
Take care and have plenty of rest xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[at1986]

oh and just so you have some idea my miscarriage lasted 13 days but everyone is different. also miscarriages are actually very common. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriages. I looked at it as Gods way of telling me if the pregnancy had gone full term there would of been something wrong with my baby.

[bimbicat7]

what a tragic story this is ive jsut read every post and some people seem to have it so hard! im so sorry for that. Just remeber that we cant choose our family we dont have to remain best friends with them and they sure have shown you their true colours during all this havent they!!! im sorry for your loss, you would have been a great mother your very smart and seem to be very mature for your age.
In time when you have everything you need in place you will be blessed again and maybe this childs spirit has just left you momentarily and will come back to you at a better time for both of you. i wish you luck , lots of hugs xx

[Griggsy]

I am so sorry for your loss. In echoing Joy, this is not your fault and God is not punishing you. Bad things happen to good people for reason that we don't know. Remember too that sometimes our trialers aren't ment for just us, but that others will sometimes learn from them as well. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I was and will be praying for you.

[zakanunu]

I am so sorry that you have to be going through this and even more sorry because we know how badly you wanted this. You are in my dua's I hope things work out the way it should.  Remember that Allah (SWT) has reasons for everything.  Your time will come just be strong.  I hope things with your family work out. You will be great mother one day (Insha-Allah).  If you ever need to talk send me a message privately.  Remember there is a reason for everything and all the ladies on this forum will be there for you no matter what.  We won't go away!