Am I being rude?

Here is the story. My best friend and i were pregnant almost at the same time. I mean we were about two weeks apart. Well two months ago i miscarried, and she didnt. Her pregnancy is going great.  Lately, I have been feeling a bit resentful towards her. I mean, i really do not want to be like that, but i just cant help it, i almost feel as if i didnt like her anymore. I know that is terrible, but every time we talk she always talks about her pregnancy, and her future baby. In a way, i feel she doesnt really consider my feelings.  I am still not over it, and i just wished we can talk about other things other than her baby.  And today, i really got mad at her. We were talking, and just recently she came back from vacation. She made a comment saying, "oh, i wish i can just be on vacation all the time."  I told her wouldn't that be nice. Then she said, "well i will be sort of on vacation in May (which is when her baby is due), but not really, i will have to be dealing with a crying baby.  I told her, "So WHAT", that should be something you are so excited about doing, then she said again, "yeah, but i wont have time for me, I will have to deal with a baby that will be crying all the time." I got so mad and told her, "What are you talking about, be thankful you have something so precious to look forward to. God, at least you have that to look forward to, I lost my baby, and am not even close to being pregnant".  "Just appreciate what God gave you".  I just got so mad that she is already complaining about the baby, ya know. I would of given anything for my baby to live. I am looking forward to being pregnant and being a mom.  Why is it that some women just cant appreciate the gift of getting pregnant, and having a healthy pregnancy?  While women like me, who lost her child, cant stand people who complain about being pregnant or having to deal with a crying baby?  I dont know, am i being rude and selfish?

[njeosys]

I would've said the same thing, probably something worse. She just really does not understand. And why is she fussing about her baby crying or not having "time to herself?" DON'T GET PREGNANT if you are freaking out about needing time to yourself. I find plenty of time to myself during the times my kids sleep, or I leave my baby safe in her crib with toys if I need a moment to myself. It's called WORKING with what you've got.

Excuse me for getting frustrated, but I probably would've slapped her across the face and said something I'd regret.

[cindy82]

no, you in the right, she knows what happened to you and should not be pretty much rubbing it in your face. i prob would have blew up 2

[lmrsoldier]

I would've definitely said something worse than you, so kudos for keeping your "cool". I have a 5 and almost 4 year old, and another one coming in March, and yeah, once you've had your kids that long, you can say "hey, I need a day". Until then, keep your legs closed if you can't even look forward to the person you've been making for 9 months!!! And to be inconsiderate of you and your situation is just rotten!! She knows what you went thru, and you shouldn't have to blow up or even mention that it bothers you, because she should automatically know that it hurts you. I say you have a selfish friend and she's damn lucky you're still in her life after making you deal with her and her rantings. Stay faithful girl, you will get your little miracle, and I can tell you will truly adore and enjoy him/her. Good luck to you!!

[MelliMel18]

Yeah, but thankfully this conversation was over the phone. She hasnt called me back since. I wonder if she realized what she was saying. Wonder if she is mad at me? If she is, i really dont care. Even my husband said, "why the hell would she saying something so stupid". I dont know. I just cant understand why she would say something so asinine. Knowing you are talking to someone who lost her baby. I just dont get it. ARG! It makes me so mad. Right now, i feel like calling her and screaming at her. God, you think people are your friends and will have a little more compassion for someone who has been thru a traumatic experience.

[njeosys]

I had a good friend say something stupid after my miscarriage, at small group no less (it's like a Bible study). I can't remember what she was talking about, but she used her analogy as "It's like having a baby before the baby is ready to be born and dies." She just kept going on and on, too, and fortunately I can't remember all of it. I just started bawling and left.

People say stupid things and expect YOU to be in the wrong. Just drop it. She doesn't sound like a good friend at all.

[cindy82]

what pisses me off is when people know your preg then find out you loose it then tell you: "well mabe you didnt need one in the first place" hello ive only been trying for a yr and seem to be doing fine with the ones i got. god people make me so mad grrrrrrr

[MelliMel18]

We have been friends for like 7 years. She has always been there for me, but ever since this pregnancy, she has kind of been in her own world. And everything, and everyone around her takes the backseat.  She calls me all the time, and sometimes i wonder why she is calling me. I barely get a chance to talk about me or anything. And if i do talk about me or anything in my life, she is quick to turn it around and makes it all about her, once again. And yet i sit there and listen to her babble on and on. See, i can be a good friend to her, but why not the other way around?  I just dont get it. Oh well.

[cindy82]

i know how that is, i have had so called friends like that, its all about them. i know ex what your talking about

[MelliMel18]

Yup, people are unbelievable, and so damn opinionated. How dare anyone judge you and what you went thru. Again, people are just so stupid. Slowly i am going to be so anti-people, and anti-social. I tell ya.

[cindy82]

just remb though there are a few good ones out there, dont leave us out, lol

[MelliMel18]

You truely are. I really appreciate all you and your support. Its nice to you, there are a few good ones out there :)

[MelliMel18]

Knowing that there are many of you who have gone thru the same thing, help me move on and look forward to another day. Thank you.

[cindy82]

its no prob, its good to have someone to talk to on this side to : )

[lmrsoldier]

You know MelliMel, if you two have been friends this long, and she is as selfish as she is, and it sounds like it's not just with this situation....why are you still there for her so much?? She just doesn't sound like she deserves you at all, and I really hate to see that. I've only been on here today, and even I can tell you deserve a better friend than that!! I've been fortunate enough to find friends that are great, and I can't stand it when I see people that have friends that aren't!!
Focus on you and your husband, and what you two are dealing with together. If she wants to stress her "problems", let her, they're not yours. You don't need the negativity and selfishness to get in the way of your ultimate happiness. You have gone thru something traumatic, and in order to get thru that and fully move on to be ready to TTC again, you shouldn't have her getting in the way of that. I wish you well, send you lots of good "friend ju ju"  :)

[Diane1003]

A freind had success after her 2nd cycle trying and actually said to me - who has had two miscarriages - she wishes she could wave a magic want or rub up against me...  uh - what?!!!  Are you kidding me?!  I was livid - was at work so really couldn't react -but thanks.  Getting pregnant wasn't the hard part for us!  I have a clotting issue that caused the miscarriages - thanks.  I'm in a tricky spot b/c I've been on both sides of the fence...  I will do my best to be respectful of others who are on a TTC journey of their own.  That's why this forum is so great - to know that there are others out there that feel the same way!

[MelliMel18]

A miscarriage is definitely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and im sure to all of you. And talking to women who go thru it, makes it all easier to understand and comprehend.  and i find it a bit therapeutic. It gives you hope and strength to move on. There will always be negative people in our lives, and you know what, as long as we have this forum, that is all we need. That alone will get us thru this rough time. Good luck to you all, i wish you all the best, and pray we all will have a super 2008!!!!  

[Keril14]

The most difficult thing is to be around someone who is pregnant.  I have the same problem when i am around my friends and even a younger cousin.  I am angry at them all the time.  I just think...its not fair.  It is very annoying to listen to any pregnancy stories or see ultra sound pictures.  
I think your friend is rude for what she said...but remember she is hormonal and probably freaking about how her life is going to change.  of course we all want our lives to change but some people get worried about things like that.  Maybe try talking to her and expressing how you feel, this will give her a chance to appologize.  Thats my advice.  Wishing you the best of luck

[danielle72007]

I do not think you were being rude by any means.. When I found out I was pregnant in Feb, another good friend of mine had found out she was pregnant a few weeks before.. I miscarried early on and she continued to have a healthy pregnancy which I was very happy for her, she never once crossed the line with saying things, she was always there.  The sad thing is her baby just died at 9 weeks old before Thanksgiving, due to SIDS.  I actually found out I was pregnant with this baby the day he passed away.  Its hard anyway you look at it.. I feel really bad for her, I don't even have words to describe it.  I've also had two other friends miscarry recently, one was at 16 weeks and the other was just shy of 7.  I know what they go through so I told them to call if they needed anything at all, other than that I watch what I say because I dont know what to say and I remember when I miscarried it seemed like everything people said were wrong and mademe more upset, whether it be oh it just wasn't your time, God didn't want this for you, or you're not ready..

[kcs08]

A friend of mine cant have children and when I got pregnant she wouldnt meet me for lunch anymore.  Then she called and said she couldnt come to my baby shower because it would be too difficult to see me!  I was really hurt but I understood.  She still has never met my 8 mo old DD.  I feel sad for the loss of friendship just becasue I had a baby.  We still talk but it's not as often.  I am happy to be a mommy!  I hope that she adopts so that she can feel comfortable talking to me again.  Pregnant women naturally talk about their pregnancies becasue they are excited and it has consumed their life.   I think your friend was trying to downplay her excitment-probably trying to say that she was going to be miserable so that she wouldnt make you feel bad.  Could that have been the case?  
xoxoxo

[kcs08]

I do want to say I have a rude friend too- after my m/c I ACTUALLY had a friend tell me that she thinks she miscarried once!  She was 5 days late for her period!  WHO SAYS THAT THEY think THEY M/C???????????????????  

I would have thought that she was just trying to relate to me but she is the type that always tries to OUTDO your story...some people are just rude and dont think they are...

[loismwallace]

Loss is hard on everyone, but should others have to walk on egg shells? I hope that your friends comments were innocent, a true friend would not mean you harm, but wouldn't a true friend still be happy for the Mom-to-be. I have suffered many losses, but find comfort in those that I still have including friends and family. Anyways, who ever says the right thing when someone loses a loved one? Just an observation...

[MelliMel18]

I do not think she meant it on purpose at all. I do agree, she may have been trying to downplay her excitement to try to make me feel better. That is very possible. I am very happy for her, and wish her all the best, and in no way do i wish anything bad. Its just so hard to be around close friends and family that are pregnant , ya know. And its funny, but it seems everyone around me is preggo. My BF, my brother in law's girlfriend, my boss, my co-workers daughter, another distant friend of mine.  It is just so freakin ironic having all these preggo people around you, and whats worse, you I see these people all the time. When i wasn't preggo, no one around me was. Funny how things work out that way. And is it weird to be more upset around pregnant women versus women with babies?  Seeing mom with newborns doesn't bother me as much as seeing someone who is pg.  I guess it is because i have never gotten to that point of being preggo. I am so screwy. I dunno. Time will heal.

[loismwallace]

Time will heal and I hope for you the best. Just keep your friends and family close. Don't shy away from them because of your loss. You need them now more than ever. I'm not a real religious person, but I do believe things happen for a reason and you will be blessed when the time is right. I will say a prayer you and yours...

[MelliMel18]

Thank you very much. I could use a prayer. Take care and i wish the best for you also.  Happy New year.

[kcs08]

I have 2 groups of friends-close friends & fellow fire wife friends (hubby is a fireman)...We had been trying for 9 months and all the sudden 4 fire wife friends fell pregnant and 2 of my dear friends fell pregnant all within 2 months.  I was sooo sad everytime someone told me they were pregnant.  I was crushed that we couldnt...THEN I got pregnant!  It was great!  Since I was 6-8 weeks behind everyone, I was always getting to see what to expect, I was always thinner since they were further along (HAHA!!!) and I was able to see what their labor was like...(My best friend's labor scared me half to death-I never wanted my baby to come out) Anyway, the point is it was great to end up being pregnant w/friends-it was just a little later than others.  My baby actually came 3 weeks early so she ended up being born around the same time.  Now I have that support system of all the other mommies!  GOOD LuCK!

[kcs08]

Mellimel-I just realized that I posted my reply's to "Mominpain" not "mellimel"  HAHAHA

Anyway, I thought about you last night on New YEARS EVE!!  Last night 2 of my friends told me they were 6-7 weeks pregnant and my heart sunk!  They are due a few weeks after my baby was supposed to be due!  So I thought about you and then told myself, to use my own advice and just be happy for them...my time will come again!!  Just had to tell you!

[MelliMel18]

Thanks sck08.  Yeah, i am happy for my friend too. But i just wish people had a little more compassion for those who have lost their baby...thats all.  My friend sometimes talks out of her you know what. But again, i am happy for her. Getting pregnant is a blessing, our time will come, and i am hoping that 2008 will be our year!  

[Shell24]

Yeah, I had a friend at work decide that the day I miscarried was the right time to tell me that she was pregnant. Of course "she wasn't trying to be mean". Whatever. She ended up miscarrying as well, and hasn't spoken with me since. Now, I'm 5.5 weeks pregnant and I still haven't told her, because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[MelliMel18]

Wow, that is ironic. And the thing is, you are waiting to tell her the news because you are being considerate of her feelings. That is the normal thing to do.  Why cant others be like that.  I just dont get it.  Well good luck to you. I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.