I don't know where else to post this

But you guys are the only ones I know of to talk to.  This isn't about pregnancy or TTC -- but something else.  I need advice.  I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years (will be 6 years in July) and we are getting married on June 14th of this year.  I've gotten a dress and save the date cards have already gone out, but I'm faced with something and I don't know what to do.  This is hard for me to say but --------I don't think I am in love with him anymore.  Since we moved in together almost 2 years ago things are bad.  I wasn't able to finish my schooling (become a RN) because he said we didn't have the money for it after promising my parents that I would get the chance to finish up.  He comes home from work and sits on his butt and watchs t.v. hardly speaking to me until 9pm when he goes to bed, or he plays on his computer all night - I know I love him, but not sure I'm madly IN love with him anymore - but now I'm scared.  My mom knows about this, and she says that while she loves him to death she could see this coming.  He is horrible with money - he had to file for chapter 7 already which screws us up with getting loans for 2 years.  My mom said I have to do what is right for me, and I know I can live on my own and take of myself (I'm an LPN so I make pretty good money - I'm looking for a better job at the moment and have an interview for a good one tomorrow morning).  

I don't think this has anything to do with the recent miscarriage, but since then I have been looking at things my life in a different life.  I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to do.  I'm scared and don't wanna be alone, but I don't wanna stay with him for the wrong reasons.  He is supposed to be looking for a second job to help me pay for the wedding, but he hasn't done anything and I owe like 5 grand by June!

Any advice guys?

[kcs08]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You could always postpone the wedding?  But I would definitely talk with him first and tell him your concerns.  Most importantly,  I would definitely wait on TTC until things are better.  Babies can bring on a whole new financial stress that you may not be ready for.  Good Luck!

[judylacar]

Bless your heart, I know exactly what you are going thru. I will be praying for ya, you and only you can do what is right for you inside of your heart, and that is what you have to follow.

[JoyRenee]

Sounds like a husband to me! Sitting on his butt part and not helping out.... if you're not in love anymore, move on. Don't waste your time or his! Find someone better, get your RN license, and have a LIFE that you want to live. Don't get involved and spend 6 years or more with him to only regret it and wish you had done something else.

You could always sell the dress or take it back and just count the invitations sent as a loss.

[onlyme27]

Trust me.  You are not the only one that has this problem.  You need try to talk to him about your concerns. More than likely he won't see things the way you do.  They never do.  Just keep in mind that you don't need to raise your child in an environment where mommy and daddy doesn't seem to love each other and argue over money all the time.  That's how I spent my childhood years.  You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders.  You have to do some real soul searching and find out what is truly in yours and the baby's best interest.  Marriage is not a bed roses but it does take tow to make it work.  Don't do something that will cause you to wake up one day and wonder "What have I done and where has my life gone?"  Never lose yourself.

[law84]

I believe you only live once and life is short you need to be happy. it sounds as though after six years its not getting any better but a little worse for you.. Marriage should be a happy time full of love an laughter you need to be happy and always smile and i believe you should talk to your partner and tell him how you a feeling give him a chance to improve and if he does not in a week or so move on and find happiness because everyone deserves to be happy.. Write down your goals and see if he has similar goals to you. Things in life happen for a reason you need to follow your heart and signs in life.

[Gina209]

Aw sweetie I'm sorry you're going through this...the best advice I can give you is to truly follow your heart. It is okay to love someone and not BE madly in love with them, but you want to marry someone that you are crazy in love with...because your relationship only gets harder after you get Married...so you want to make sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. And if you don't want too, of course he isn't going to like it, he may even be heart broken, but you can't sacrafice your life and your love to make someone else happy...you will never feel truly fulfilled or happy. You're love is what is going to make your relationship stronger as you get older and if you don't have that....what's the point?
Marriage is a huge step and I definitely think if you're having doubts and you know for sure that you're not in love with him, you should let him know. Talk to him...people under estimate communication..you never know what he is feeling or thinking...he may even understand. You can't make someone love you, ya know? So definitely sit down and talk to him...and if you 100% sure he's not the one for you, move on...it will be tough because you've built your entire life around him, you have this security with him, he's become a huge part of your life, your family...but in the end you want to make sure you're happy and IN love with your husband...just do whats right for you and what makes you happy...
And definitely wait on ttc....don't have a baby with someone you aren't in love with...that will just make things even more complicated..especially if you end up not marrying him. I know how much you want a baby...but be smart about it, this is your life!

[beautifullychaotic]

HOney..I know how you feel. I was in a 3 yr relationship. Was engaged. Had the gown, invitations, EVERYTHING!!!!!  And I lied to myself and said I loved him.  But I didnt.  I also didnt know what to do! I didnt want to let anyone down, my kids, him, myself, but I the more I thought about it the more I didnt want to get married to him.  I knew somehow that he wasnt the one.  And it was 6months before the wedding...I just admitted it.  And then I found out from his best friend that he was cheating on me.  THAT made it so much easier.  So I gave him the boot. And found an awesome...EXTREMELY Wonderful man now.  Trust him with all my heart and soul.  THATS what you need to find. And if you feel that way already the way you do..then its not going to work.  ANd you will be hurting.  I wish you the best.  I know how it feels.  If you need anyone to talk to..I am here. YOu can PM me anytime.  I hope I helped in some way.  There more to my story if you have any questions too.  Take care.

[Annie2008]

The thing is that we have sat down and talked about this, and I find myself feeling like I'm talking to a brick wall.  I don't know if this just cold feet or what.  Right now I don't even think we can have this wedding because I can't afford to make this happen all by myself.  I feel like sometimes I'm in this relationship on my own.  But I'm scared to be without him as well, and actually tonight I told him that I don't think I want to try for a baby right now anymore - and I even told him that I hope that I'm not pregnant right now - he asked why and then a conversation ensued.  He just DOESN'T GET IT.  I told him that I don't appreciate not getting help around the house, that I'm the only one that cleans, cooks, takes care of the dogs and pays for all their vet bills (have kinda sick puppies whom are getting better), I have a car bill, insurance bill, among others, and he DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.  His father pays for his insurance and paid for his car and the man is 31 years old.  He has no clue that I'm stretched for cash all the time, and I don't think I should be seeing as I make pretty good money.

I didn't tell him what I said here though, because I get so disgusted at talking to him about all the other things that he just doesn't get.  My mom told me that I am better than this, and I can find someone out there better and that she would help me look for another apartment for just myself.  Don't get me wrong, there are fun times where we just have to look at eachother and laugh, we know what the other is thinking at times and we do find ourselves finishing eachother's sentences.  I just want him TAKE ACTION AND HELP ME OUT and I can scream this at him and he DOESN'T GET IT.  I don't want to disappoint my family whom is very excited about this wedding and I don't know what to do.  I love his family so much and we are all so close, and I know it would break their hearts.

I'm so sorry for laying this on you guys, when people on here are thinking of other things and trying to be happy about their lifes...but I feel so stuck right now.  Maybe it's cold feet, maybe it IS because of the miscarriage.  I don't know.

[JoyRenee]

Women always want to try and help others, change them, and we truly believe we can. But he won't change unless HE wants to and makes the choice. Doesn't sound like he will. Breaking the families' hearts won't matter in the end. It's about your life and your happiness.

[Annie2008]

So if I plan what I think I planning (will have to talk to my mom again though for a support only a mother can give I guess) how the heck do you break off a 6 year relationship - just tell him, give rings back, and that's that.  I mean we would have to live together until the end of April because we are both on the lease.  Plus I'd need to save up some money and get a new place, and then try to split up the furinture we have, sighs.  I'm not sure I am cut out for this.

[JoyRenee]

If this is the life you want, then you won't have to do any of that! But if you want to find something more it'll have to happen at some point... You're so lucky to have your mom to help you. I do not know how one would break off such a long relationship, maybe someone else here has better advice on that (I'd ask beautifullychaotic based on her story).

[cindy82]

girl, i know where your coming from. my boys dad(my ex) was a total a$$. he done me and the kids pretty dirty. i finaly got tired, got my kids and what i could haul and never looked back. it was the best thing i ever done for us. it would have probly ened worse if i hadnt eneded it myself. now i think i have one of the best dh there is. we have our prob, but were happy and both try at it. lots of prayers for ya!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Oh Annie.  I sent you the longest message on the planet shortly after your original thread.  But once I pushed the button to post, the thing said the site was temporarily out of order.  I'm afraid to try again right now.  I will send you a pm tomorrow first thing in the morning.  I have been through this exact same thing and would like to share my experience with you.

[karenj2h]

i can understand what you are going though i was married for 10 years and he treated me like ****. i loved him but he never loved me and now i am in the middle of a divorce. i was young when i got married i am glad that i did not have kids with him but it is a pain. and i would sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel that is the only way he will know better to be honest with him then to hide it and then have to go through a divore. if you would like to talk i am here to talk to you.

[Praying4MiniMe]

I'm really sorry you have to go through this...however, if you don't be honest with him, it could end up a lot worse. If you are having doubts then maybe you should talk with him and let him know whats bothering him. If you don't, you could be stuck with someone you are not in love with for the rest of your life....Good luck and I hope you find out what you should do. Best of luck!

[ExpectingaRedhead]

Have you thought about counseling?

[Rosa20]

First of all.sorry to hear that your going through this!! I Believe that you cant stay with someone just because you dont want to hurt them and because your afraid of being alone!! You ever think that maby the wedding is giving you cold feet..you need to do whats right for you and whats going to make you happy!! You have a right to that! But then again my opinion is that if you love someone dont throw it away because your going threw a rough patch!! Have some time and think about it and talk to him about it!! Tell him you want more help!!
Im sure he will understand!!! Good luck

[LosingMyMindInGA]

I can't tell you what to do, only YOU can choose what is best for you...BUT i can say this...If you are not 100% wholeheartedly commited to the relationship and this man then a marriage is NOT going to work.  It will be FAR easier to end things NOW than to wait and have to divorce...I've been through a divorce...it sucks.  Granted my ex-husband and I are back together but we've agreed we're not getting married again any time soon if at all.  We rushed into the marriage not being 100% sure of anything.  Don't make that mistake.  Perhaps finding a good counselor will help you?  I know it's helped me tremendously in the past to dig deeper into my feelings to find the root of them.  I wish you the best and you already know that no matter what, you have a support group on here.

[MomNpain]

I have been with my hubby for 3 years now. Well - let me start off by being honest. We are NOT legally married. We both got cold feet 2 weeks before we were supposed to be married and decided to just have a commitment ceremony. We both wear rings, we call each other husband and wife but we aren't married and that simple fact has helped our relationship so much. It's not that we're scared of commitment, but we see what the literal term "marriage" does to couples, and we didn't want that for ourselves and honestly, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are. Anyway - during the 3 years we've been together, I fell in love with someone else. It wasn't intentional and I didn't want it to happen, but it did. The other guy never had a clue but when it came down for me to "choose" so to speak, this is what I did.

I remembered all the good times that my hubby and I have had together and asked myself if they outweighed the bad. I looked at him for a few moments without him knowing and I took a few days to myself - away from him, away from everyone. I was away for 3 days, all by myself and I really, truly found myself. I figured out what I wanted. I also asked myself if my relationship with him (my hubby) was worth trying for. If it was worth risking being hurt.

My hubby and I don't have the greatest of relationships, but we are perfect for each other. We balance each other out. Everything that he hasn't experienced, I have and vice versa. Neither one of us can see ourselves without each other - even 50 or 60 years down the road. We have done a lot of talking in our relationship and we've both come to realize that no matter how mad we get at each other, it WILL NOT last long enough for us to ever split up - and why? Because we can't stay mad at each other longer than 10 minutes. Our "arguments" always end up with the both of us hiding our faces so we can't see each other smiling. The good times DO outweigh the bad and when I looked at him, I could have cried. The love I have for him is just crazy. There's no other way to put it. And I figured that our relationship is worth the fight. It's worth putting up with his attitude sometimes. It's worth me having to clean up after him sometimes. It's worth him playing his xbox a few hours a night . This is what you have to ask yourself and you truly need to get away. I know it's probably easier said than done but once I stepped  foot out of this house, I didn't turn back. I knew that it was for the better and that it was really needed in order for any of us to continue living our lives. Besides, in my case it wasn't fair to my hubby. In yours, it's not fair to you.

You say that you've talked and I really believe that you have. But, it takes more than that sometimes and in my opinion, if you love or have loved this guy enough to stick around for 6 years, what you need to do IS worth it. Forget the dress, forget the cards, forget the date and just take some time to yourself. THEN you talk. Be honest with him - tell him why you had to do it and it will open his eyes if you leaving for a few days already hadn't.

In my opinion - yes, life is short...but love doesn't come around very often. 6 years is too much and too long just to throw out the window. Think about it and make your decision. I wish the best of luck to you.

[loismwallace]

I'm not going to go into my life expereinces, but been there and done it, more than a few times. If you're not feeling this guy anymore you should think hard about getting married. You can get counseling and yes, maybe it will work, but if it doesn't? One thing I've learned is you "CAN'T" change them. Talk to him and postpone the wedding..Just don't do it in June. You have some thinking to do...Best wishes...

[kcs08]

Your mom knows you and your fiance best and if you respect her opinions then I would have her help you.  I was in a dead end relationship before I met my DH.  Ever since I met my DH (8yrs ago)we have been madly in love and I cant believe I had such low standards before.  From the moment we met I have never doubted once that he was not my perfect soulmate.  You need to have that feeling too.  If he has not change by now, he wont ever change.  You can always go back to dating while living apart and see if it works.  I hear people say that the first year of marriage is hard but for us it was the best year and they keep getting better.  Think about the man that you want your baby to look up to and a man that your baby will strive to be like.  It sounds like you have a great mom and great support.  Best Wishes..

[Annie2008]

Last night he woke up in the middle of the night (12am) and I was still awake, thinking through things and just sitting and just thinking.  He never wakes up once he's asleep, but when he woke up he came into the living room and it looked like he had been crying his eyes out - I asked him what was wrong and I think my whole conversation with him last must have all of a sudden hit when he went to bed - he had time to let what I said sink in, and he was crying.  I calmed him down and we talked until 4am about the last 6 years and the future.  I came to the conculsion that it's not worth wasting 6 years for, IT IS WORTH IT.  I am scared of the wedding, and scared of getting married, but I found out that I'm not scared of him, just the meaning behind the words.  In his mind it's hard for him to be in a relationship because (and I guess I often need to remind myself of this) that when we first met I was his first everything, first kiss, first hug, first girlfriend, and yes first in the sack.  He doesn't understand sometimes what he needs to do and so we talked, talked about what was bothering me, and what was bothering him, we cried together and decided to take it from there.  He left for work this morning and woke me up because I had an early interview and when I did crawl out of bed he had actually cleaned up the apartment, not cleaned cleaned, but picked up, wrote me a note saying he's doing laundry when he gets home tonight, and will bring home dog food (which I didn't even know we needed).  I know it's small, but it's something, and I hope we continue to talk more when he does get home.  We have some healing to do, but I think it's going to be okay.  I'm in love with him, but it's not that crazy love that you first get when you start dating.

Thanks for everyone's advice and kind words and yes we are still thinking about getting some couple's counseling, it couldn't hurt I suppose.

[cindy82]

congrats, just show him you love him and what yall need. talking can be the best med. maybe he will open up now.

[MomNpain]

Good - I'm glad for you. And while you can't change people - some people CAN change. Just hang in there kiddo - it should only get better from here on out. And remember, you don't have to be MARRIED to appear as a couple. If it's something the 2 of you want to hold off on, by all means, hold off on it. How did your interview go, by the way?

[loismwallace]

That's great! I hope all works out for you. Good luck in life?

[rachie204]

sorry to hear you are having a hard time.  When me and my hubby started "talking" i wouldnt consider us dating for 4 months b/c I just wasn't "crazy" about him.  I never fell in love...I grew in love and our relationship isn't always perfect and sometimes I get very aggrivated with him but love isn't an emotion or a feeling it's a decision and I decided a long time ago that I wanted to love him and be with him and honestly there are times i'm crazy in love with him and times i'm not.  You are making the right choice by thinking about it before yall get married.  I hope you do what is right for you.  Don't feel pressured to go on with the wedding if you don't feel like you are supposed to. As long as yall continue to talk about your relationship I am sure it will all work out for the best.  

[ExpectingaRedhead]

Glad you're not giving up so easy! Relationships are not easy! They take a lot of work! Good luck to you.