Just need someone to talk to..................

I love my father dearly, I always have. He has never been the greatest father and chose to live the life style I never approved of. Most of my life he was only there for me when it was convenient for him or he got some kind of benefit. He made empty promises while I was growing up. Him and my mother divorced when I was about 2 right after my brother was born. Growing up he would promise to be there for events in my life and some times he wouldnt show up and I wouldnt hear from him for months at a time. My father did re-marry and when I was about 9 him and his wife had twin girls. From that moment on our relationship changed even more for the bad. I was no longer his princess. Those girls were his life and he could care less about my brother and I.....so it seemed to us and other ppl that have seen things over the years. He hardly ever spent any time with my brother. But due to some horrible events in my life there were a couple of times I had to live with him. During those time he was physically and mentally abusive and again our relationship was more strained.

As I became an adult it seemed we became closer. We had out fights from time to time but he was still my father and I loved him dearly. At one point we had a huge argument in which ended with him beating me in the face and head and he cracked my cheek bone. I stopped talking to him for about a year and a half. Then we started talking again. I kept our relationship distant. This was in early 2008. My husband and I married in May 2009 and I chose to not have my father five me away at my wedding. I gave the honor to my uncle and grandfather that I have been very close to my whole life. Needless to say my father was very pissed and refused to speak to me when he found out. After the wedding I attended a family reunion in July and he was there. (It was a 3 day thing) The first 2 days we didnt speak then the last day we spoke and got along the whole day. I thought maybe we could move on and continue some kind of relationship, but we have not spoke since. (most ppl think I am crazy for even wanting anything to do with him) Yesterday I talked to my grandmother and was informed about the lung cancer diagnosis that was confirmed that day.

I know my father is not the greatest man but he is my father, and a big part of me still loves him unconditionally. The way children are supposed to love their parents. My grandmother gave me his phone number because she knew I wanted to talk to him. I called and his wife (he got remarried 12 years ago....he is not still with the twin's mother) she told me she would call me right back. She didnt. So I called a few more times and then tried calling from a different number and she finally answered. She proceeded to tell me my father did not want anything to do with me and basically I am just a horrible daughter and I need to leave him alone and stay out of his life. I know my father well enough to know this is his way of hurting me since I didnt have him give me away at the wedding. He has succeeded. I am severely hurt. I want some kind of relationship with my father before he dies. I dont want our last memory to be what it is. He is that stubborn. The cancer is bad......he may not have long. I cant believe he is going to let his pride have the best of him.

Words cannot express the pain I feel. I dont think I have ever been more hurt in my life. This will be the first loss I have experienced of someone I love this much. I dont know how to do this. I need him......I need to be able to say good bye. I cant stop thinking about this I didnt even sleep last night and I am having a hard time with my babies. I just dont know what to do. My husband has to work and I dont want to be alone. I am sorry do dump all this on everyone. I am so scared and alone. It hurts so bad I cant stand it. I just want my dad...............

[smjmekg]

I didn't always have the best relationship with my dad, so I know what it's like. We do talk a lot more than we used to. You should try to call again, and tell his new wife you want to hear from him that he doesn't want to talk to you. It may just be my way of thinking, but maybe she doesn't want you to talk to him and upset him? I mean, is there any possibility that he doesn't even know you called and she just doesn't want you to talk to him? Either way, if she says he won't talk to you, I'd go see him if you can...and if you don't get to say good bye, at least you know you gave it your best shot, and tried to talk to him...

[a_sc11]

I can not begin to know what you are going thru...and I don't know if you believe in prayer...but, I do, and you will continually be in my prayers today.

As for your relationship with you father...unfortunately, he is the one cutting you out.  You would think that he would want to spend what time he has left with family and mending relationships, but, that isn't the case...hopefully, that will change, if he has the time.   All you can do is know, within yourself, that you did everything you could do to make the relationship work...to reconcile.  If you have a Pastor, Priest, Conselor, or Friend...I would go to them...maybe they can point you in the right direction in finding your peace.

You are in my prayers.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

I can completely understand how you feel.  Even though it wasn't the best relationship he is still your father and you love him.  That's not unreasonable.  

Try writing him a letter...it will allow you to get things off your chest, you will be able to proofread and rewrite if something doesn't come out the way you want it to.  Then either hand deliver (don' tknow how far he is from you) or mail it.  

YOU can only do so much to try and mend this relationship...utlimately it's up to your father and yes the rejection DOES hurt, but atleast you will know down the road that YOU did whatever YOU Could....the ball is now in HIS court.  Whatever he chooses is on him, NOT you.  He is very close to his judgment day and all of these things will be accounted for when he reaches that point.  

I know it's hard, but you NEED to understand that this isn't on you....you have reached out time and time again....you can't do anymore.  As harsh as this seems, you need to move on with your new life with your husband.  Perhaps if you move on and don't let him get you down (or atleast don't let him know he has) it will defeat his whole purpose for acting like a vendictive child....if you don't show him how he has hurt you then there's no point for him to act like that.  

I do agree that you need to find SOMEONE to talk to.  A GOOD starting point would be to call some of the hospice care places in your area.  They generally have support groups and I'm sure they have dealt with similiar situations numerous times.

[sprarah]

Thank you for all your support. It's amazing how we can feel so much love from people we dont even know. I really think I can look at this logically and know that you are all right. It just doesnt make it hurt any less. Thank you all again for your support in my time of need.

[Victoria01]

I can understand your feelings completely. I didn't know my father until I was 16, and for a few years we were quite close. I loved him with all my heart and the pain and abandonment slowly slipped away. One day, when I was 22, I called him and was told by his other children that he didn't want to talk to me any more. That I wasn't 'one of them'. I let it go for awhile, but then tried to call again a few weeks later. The phone number was changed. Since we lived in different states, I couldn't just go see him.

My whole life he knew how to get in contact with me and chose not to. For a long time I blamed myself, wondering what I did wrong. Why couldn't he love me like he did his other children. Finally, though, I realized that it wasn't me. It was not my fault. I did what I could and the rest was up to him. It is ingrained in us to want our parents' approval and love, and when it is not returned, we tend to feel it is because of us. IT IS NOT!

Even though I know it hurts, you have done everything you could to try and mend the relationship and it might be best for you and your family to try and move on. Your love for him will never go away, but maybe if you distance yourself it will get easier. My thoughts and prayers are with you and and your family during this time.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

No it doesn't make it hurt any less but it does help you to reason better.  And over time, the hurt will dimish.  Especially given his recent diagnoses and less than favorable prognosis  I still urge you to seek some kind of counseling...specifically grief counseling.  Grief Counselors deal  a lot with people who have lost or are losing a loved one and have not been able to mend the relationship.  Most hospice places have free support groups so I think it would be very beneficial to atleast check into one and maybe go to a meeting or two just to see if you feel it would benefit you.

[angysmommy]

i do not have a great relationship ith my dad. i barely know hm. he has 5 other children and maybe more that we dont know of. it is very sad. but i know what you mean when you say you love him because i love my father too and pray for him to change. so that is my advice to you ask the LORD to put a softening over your fathers heart. and ask the heavenly father to fill the father void for now. i hope i helped. message me if you ever need anything i am here. im praying for you!