sex with partner after having children

[tatorbug40]

Ok,  I decided to ask this question over here, as opposed to the regular maternal and child forum, as women in their early 20's tend to have more energy then women out of their 20's...  I am 33 and I have 2 children-  4 1/2 years and 17 months...  DH and I use to have a very healthy sex life, but once our kids were born it has tapered a lot!  We have been together for 8 years now, and our marriage suffered a lot for about a year following both of the kids births-  I think it was just an adjustment time-  DH also seems unhappy with his job a lot...  so I know that weighs on his mind-  we go through spells from time to time where we have "a lot" of sex, but I am just wondering what is normal for a married couple, in their 30's with two small kids....  lately it seems to be that we only have sex about once a month, sometimes once every two months!  And I feel attracted to him, I feel like I'd want to have sex with him, I miss having it-  but then I think of all the effort it takes, and once the kids are in bed, I usually fall asleep shortly there after....  neither of us seem to initiate it hardly ever....  I think maybe he feels the same- it isn't that he doesn't want to do it, just that the kids, work, sleep all seem more important...  is this normal?  I get worried that maybe our marriage isn't healthy...  

I might ask this over in maternal and child to get some other opinions too....

so the poll is to see what the norm is....  couples, in mid thirties with small children have sex-

[magnolia55]

I have a 2 1/2 year old, and 18 months were rough because she slept in our room (mattress on the floor after the crib). When we were TTC we were so stressed about it because it wasn't working, that we only had sex when I was ovulating. After my m/c we realized that the family we have is more important than all the stress, and that really improved out sex life. We actually have sex 3-4 times a week. Of course if we are tired or busy, we have a lull, but it feels like old times! Pretty good for a 43 year old - well, my hubby is only in his thirties so he would probably like it every night!!!

[Pum]

We have been together over 20 years and we definitely have on and off times.We did it once during my last pregnancy, that was the longest time without it. Since my son got older and is sleeping better things are more normal, 3 -4 times a week for a few months then 1-2 times a month for a while, then back up again. There was this book published recently in Australia and the message was pretty much "just do it" to women. I actually took this quite to heart as once you get going it is well worth it. The writer laid it on the line about how important it is/can be to men. I told my husband I was never saying "no" again and so far I've stuck to it pretty much and we're actually both a lot happier and closer. Not sure how this will work in the long run.
I also found that when I started exercising and taking care of myself better (after finishing breastfeeding and night wake-ups) things improved. We're in our 40's so not sure whether age has much to do with things.

[blueeyedtabbycat]

I just hit 30 and we are on our 4th pregnancy. Having small children around definitly slows us down some although we always find time for a quicky while baby is napping or kids are off doing other things. I voted 1-2 times a week. We have our dry spells (right now while pregnant, lol) But I think as long as you and DH are happy then thats the norm for you. Also having small children requires alot of creativity, like quickys, while they are in school. DH and I try real hard to keep spice in our love life but sometimes its hard and all we both want to do is sleep:) We have been together for going on 12 years and it was even better before kids when we could both sleep in the nude, I dont dare do that now, lol! But we have to make time for each other, otherwise we would be at each others throats, like now, hehe:)

[tatorbug40]

Tanker--  ha ha-  I was teasing over in maternal and child that you gals over here were kicking their butts!!!  :)  

I should have opened it to any age.... anyone can vote!!  I am thinking it is the length of relationship and life situations!  

[SoCalTricia]

I answered the survey anyway, even though I'm 40, not mid-30's. But, my husband is mid-30's (he's 34). Anyway...we go through spells, but generally it's at least 1-2 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. HOWEVER...our other kids aren't small. The youngest is 9. We'll see how it goes when the baby is born. But, I tend to agree with 40smama...making time for sex seems to keep our relationship close. We have promised each other we will have "date nights" after baby is born. You can't let the intimacy leave your relationship, no matter how tired you are!

Tricia

[Tanker Chic]

For a bunch old ladies, the results are pretty impressive :)  

[tatorbug40]

40smama-  I find that too-  if we bd more often, we seem closer and nicer to each other in normal waking hours....

mlb-  I also feel that way-  if we do bd at night when I'd like to just be sleeping I feel a little annoyed at first, then I feel better after, and glad that we did it-  and I always say "we should really do that more often".....  then a month later it is like we are trying to find the time again!  :)  

Oh well...  perhaps once we've been together 20 years and our youngest is 8y it will get better!!  :)

[40smama]

We go through spells of some sort - we're currently in a dry one right.  it's like when noah goes down for the night, I just want to sleep (and then I wake up w/my insomnia - sigh....).  If we do bd on a regular basis, we're much nicer to each other -LOL.

[mlb1234]

I think you are totally normal and it really varies couple to couple.  One of my sisters has only done the deed like once or twice since January (they have a 5 month old and a 3y old, together 9y) and my other sister and her dh are like rabbits (they have a 12, 10 and 8y old, together 20y!).  We are somewhere in between - before baby it was 2x per week.  After baby, my "goal" has been once a week.

It is very hard to find the time with small children...and I know the feeling of it being "just one more thing I have to do".  Every night I feel exhausted and just want to go to sleep but you just have to make time for it.  Even if I am grumbling about it before hand, I am usually happy afterwards and feel closer to dh.  (Then I am all happy and make plans in my head to increase our frequency, a few days go by, I forget about it, then I am tired and grumbling about it again!!  Oh well, poor dh!! He has been a good sport!!)  We are also on opposite shifts now so that makes it really hard.  

[pcarsey]

I put down 1-2 times weekly because DH works out of town all week long and when he gets home on the weekends we "try" to get some alone time. But I swear it's like a radar being flipped on inside of Brayden because he will stay up til at least midnight on the nights DH is home. The first night he leaves to go back to work I can get Brayden in bed by 9! Little stinker!

[oceanv]

wow, i'm on pace for couples in their 30's with child and i don't have one yet. it seems to me ever since i had the mirena put in (then out) my sex drive died during the 3 years it was in (or it was a co-incidence) i had almost started thinking i was having sex drive problems that can come along with peri-menopause....

since the night of conception (which was under duress for both of us cause i just had braces put in and neither one of us really wanted to bd,) but the sticks said do it, so we did - we hadn't had sex until last weekend...i'm 22 weeks.. i find its always one thing or another, i go to bed first, i had spotting at the beginning so that was stressful etc... anyway i thought i better do something otherwise it'd be nine months, then a c-section so we'd be going a year and a half....oops.

[YvetteY]

It's normal what you are going through with regard to sex life and small kids.  You're lucky if you get it in once or twice a week.   Also being together after a while tends to slow the sex per week too.  

[adgal]

I don't have small children, but I do think that a healthy amount of sex is whatever works for the two of you.  If you both are happy, and it isn't causing either of you stress, then its normal.  DH and I go through "hot and cold" periods.  Often, if one or both of us are stressed about something, or maybe extra tired from work or whatever, more time that normal for us can go by between.  I used to worry about it...thought maybe we were abnormal. I talked to him about it, and both of us were more worried about what was considered "normal" then what made us happy..know what I mean. I found out we were both very satisfied with our sex life, and for both of sometimes just some good old cuddling is enough.  I think you are normal!!