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40 scared of pregnancy

My husband and I have been married 10 yrs. this year and I have changed my mind to have a child. Now we are at a crossroad and he truly wants to have a child. I don't want to lose my husband and wonder what to do. I am scared of having a child because I don't want to lose my freedom. But I also do not want to lose him. I have had a cyst removed off of my fallopian tube in my early twenties, have had pre-cervical cancer and was cured, and now my fear is birth defects among other things.  I have also suffered depression in my twenties as well. Please help.
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377493 tn?1356502149
I also understand your fears.  It is a big decison and one that should not be taken lightly.  I don't think you should have a baby if the only reason is you are afraid to lose your husband...that is just not fair to the child.  That being said, I agree with Tricia...I don't think children have to be anchors either.  I am 40 and pregnant (this will be our first child) and we fully intend to keep travelling and doing the things we love to do.  I believe this will enrich our childs life.  

As for birth defects, funny, that hasn't even occured to me.  When you look at the actual stats, they are actually very low.  The reality is that most babies with major chromosonal problems miscarry.  And you can have tests during your pregnancy to check for this problems, and you can make the decision that is best for you.  There is a higher risk of miscarriage in your 40s, and there can be increased fertility problems. I am like Tricia, I seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, however I have had problems carrying full term.  It can take a bit of an emotional toll.  

Whatever you decided, I wish you luck.  There are many of us in our late 30's to mid 40's having successful and healthy pregnancies.  It can happen for you as well.  Good luck to you.
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667409 tn?1309152183
I agree with a lot of things Yvette said...but I don't agree that a baby has to be like an anchor for 3 to 4 years. Both of my kids were always very "portable". From a very young age (like just weeks) I started traveling with them and taking them places. I pretty much did whatever I wanted to do - I just took them with me. I breastfed both of them, so it was never a hassle with bottles and finding a place to warm them and such. Breastfed babies travel much "lighter"...a few diapers and a change of clothes and you're good for the day. And, honestly, most of my hobbies, I've just included my kids. I grew up riding dirt bikes, and my kids began riding their own quads at 2 and 3. I grew up riding on my dad's Harley, and my kids started riding on long trips with me at about 4-5 years old. So, having a child doesn't have to put a damper on your fun. Just relax and keep an open mind and don't think you MUST do things the traditional way.

As for the pregnancy and all...there is no doubt that it's riskier at 40. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I'll be 41 when the baby is born. The biggest downside has been all the appointments...OB, perinatologist, nutritionist. Lots of sonograms. Lots of tests. But, overall, it hasn't been horrible. There are some big decisions to make that you wouldn't face if you were 25, i.e. whether to have an amniocentesis, what you would do if you found out there was a problem, etc. These are things you should think about BEFORE you get pregnant. As for the getting pregnant itself, it's a toss-up. There are women on here who have been trying for ages, and there are women (like me) who got pregnant easily.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Tricia
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178698 tn?1228774338
oops sorry about the typos...i should always proof read before I post....bad habit!  Sometimes my fingers get ahead of my brain.
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178698 tn?1228774338
You are the only one that can make that decision.   You do have legitamate fears about having a baby in your 40s too, but ultimately you have all the ingredients to make this decision.   Babies are like anchors with a diaper for the first 3 to  4 years.  It gets a bit easier around 4 and 5, but they are a lot of work and it's hard to give up your freedom.   One the plus side, it's a bit harder to get pregnant in your 40s and then if you get pregnant you have a 50% chance of miscarriage...so let me warn you that it is very stressful to try to conceive at this age.  It does put a strain on your relationship, esp if you have to see a fertility doctor, which is what I'd recomend to do right away since your 40.  But as Murphy Law tends to work out,  you'd probably be one of the few that get pregnant easily at 40.  

And if you decide to have a child, like I said you loose your freedom for about 3 to 4 years, but you'll gradually start getting it back.   I'm 43 and my youngest is 14 and I'm going to miss sleeping in and being able to take off and do what I want!   Now we're going to ahve to worry about babysitters, daycare, etc.   ANd then a quick trip to the store will no longer be in my vocab.   I will have to tote around all the baby equipment....I'm not sure what I was thinking about sometimes.  My husband now has not children of his own.  We've been together for about 6 years (2 yrs of dating before that) and I felt like you did too.   But I wanted more children as soon as he started talking about it.  So it wasn't too difficult of a decision for me.   But it took us over 2 years to get pregnant and in the meantime I had 5 miscarriages.   I finally got pregnant from donor eggs.    
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