A bit jealous - all of your thoughtful DHs

Hey ladies:

Just have to vent a bit.  I have to admit it's hard for me to read some of the posts about all the sweet things your DHs do and how involved they are with your pregancy.

To put it bluntly, mine SUCKS!  He is just not very involved or interested.  Never wants to feel the baby move, would never ask about the pregnancy on his own, and has to be dragged to ultrasounds if he goes at all.

I guess he was the same way with DD.  I was just hoping that now that we are finally preg after 10 mcs he would be more involved and passionate about it.  

Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful dad but when it comes to the special attention we all need when we are preg and even showing interest he is the worst.

Anybody else have this problem?

[melimeli]

ahhh.. maybe he is just worried about getting attached and having to feel a loss again...  Who knows...  I know it must be hard to deal with during your pg.. but the most important part is that he is a good dad for the rest of the babies life.. it is hard I know but just try to see his good points after is is a daddy..

[Sheri1972]

You should read the book "Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" if you haven't already. It talks about DH, what is probably going through his head, and how some of them react differently.

My DH hasn't been mean or anything, but he's not been terribly interested either.  He'll listen if I tell him something, but he never really asks about it.  He also hasn't been all that understanding when I've been ill.  He still flounces off to play with his buddies while I'm puking in the sink and have a screaming 4 year old clinging to my leg.

Sometimes, you just have to sit DH down and give them "the talk."  :P

Sheri

[AshleysMom]

Thanks ladies:

Sheri, your husband sounds just like mine, and I too have a screaming 4-year old at times.  I will have to revisit the Girlfriend's book.

[guinness413]

I'll drink to that; I love mine to death but it seems the 2nd time around holds less interest even after 2 MC's and 4 unsuccessful IUI's and finally a successful (knock on wood) IVF

[vsentz]

ya know? i agree with you guys...., after my big miscarriage and then the chemicals... and the year of infertility... and all the procedures..... he acts like it's 'not big deal'....

The first time I got pregnant *tearing up* I gathered a whole 'package' of pregnancy tests with my positive, a balloon that read 'baby', pastel color candy, and a card that said 'congratulations father-to-be'..... *sniff sniff* and he got so emotional when he opened it up and found out! He was speachless and kept asking me if it was true!, he jumped off the couch and held me so tight! *damn tears!*... and said 'im gonna be a daddy!'.... then called his best buddy and his brother and told them he was THE MAN....

then.... big loss.....

crushed hearts.....

ever since he didn't show much emotions, i felt like i was going thru this by myself and i went to seek help BY MYSELF.... and pretty much got preggers BY MYSELF! lol

When i told him about this pregnancy... he just smiled and said 'are you serious?'.... didn't even hold me or anything.... he just smiled.... almost like it wasn't a biggie?!?!

I don't know, guys express emotions VERY differently and maybe they are just (in their little tiny simple minds) preparing for the worse... 'just in case'???

DH is getting a little better, but at the begining he wouldn't even mention 'the baby'.... he never came to me (without me asking) and touched my belly..... neither he does now..... i have to grab his hand and put it on it... and of course Maddie stops moving!! lol argh!!!
At night time i have to remind him there's two of us right next to him to say 'Good night'..... and now he's getting better... but he was HORRIBLE! ='(

I makes me mad sometimes and i wanna smack him, but then i see what his way of expressing is: he's busting his butt to re-do her nursery... he's doing a huge closet for 'his girl'....
Hmmm.... i think he'll be a good daddy once she's here... but as of right now, i don't think it has totally sank in that he IS already a dad....

And another thing i HAAAAAAAATE!.... is when he says negative comments about having a girl! i knew he wanted a boy! but it isn't! so WHAT!... i mean, come on!! yes, she might still wanna play football, or play with cars.... and he might still get to dress her up as a football player from the Chicago Bears someday!!
He says he's gonna be so jealous and overly protective that it's gonna suck for him... i still don't like him saying he's gonna build a jail for her, and that he won't let her date till she's 40.....

urgh... men....

I guess that's his way of expressing he will absolutely LOVE my little girl????

I got into a huge fight the other day with him when i told him he will, regardless, play with her and her barbie dolls.... he said 'no way!!!' i said 'what!!!! my dad use to do so! and he would lay belly down and play with my doll house with me!' what's wrong with that!?!?!?!?! he said 'well, good for him! i aint doing that!'....


I just got up and started going off on him! =S I said 'what! are you too tough to spend time with your daughter??? or are you affraid that this harley guy is gonna look gay grabbing his daughter's dolls????' 'THAT IS BULL(*&(*#$()!!!!!'

He just stared at me as i walked away.... and later he apologized...


LOL

oh... hormones......

(sorry to make this so long! but i guess i had to vent too girlfriend! thank yoU! lol)

[saj39]

I can see how upset this makes you feel. You have every right to feel slighted. I am very lucky to have my husband and even with my last pregnancy (we were seperated) , he was there as much as he could be. I'll admit he doesn't always want to put his hand on my tummy and feel his baby move, he says its weird for him, and I totally don't get that, but other than that he is relly hands on. Of course he is 40 and I do thik age makes a bit of difference b/c he hasn't always been this mega awesome dad that he is now. He has grown into it. So maybe that is it? I wish all women had the support sysem that I do b/c WE ALL DESERVE THE BEST!!!!! Talk to him about it and mabe let him know how yu feel. I had to do that many times over the years and now thatwe are havingour 4th and lst baby tomorrow, he is really over compenstating for us being seperated last time. I wish you all the best and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!!!! Sheri

[melimeli]

vane... when dh and I first found out we were preg. the first time.. we took the test together and it said pg... and wow it was so cool.. he was so scared but so happy... he called his parents in Peru and his best friends to tell them... then I m/c....

the next month when I got pg again I was so scared to tell him that I didn't until I had had 3 hcg tests to make sure the results were going up... I didn't want him to hurt again.. when I told him he was just scared to hurt again and didn't tell anyone until I was around 5w to be more sure.  Then when he told his mom she said that he should wait to tell other people to make sure everything was going to be ok... he was always happy but just scared to be too happy to like jinx it...

I was that way too... I never wanted to be too sure because I was afraid to jinx it...

but now he rubs my belly at all times haha...

[chickymama]

I hear ya girl ! A while back there was a thread on the sweet things DH's do....I didn't even read it! (why get myself upset?)....I hate it when my DH uses his Grandma against me (I loved her sooo much) He says things like " My grandma had 12 kids, had to carry water in from out side, chopped wood, kept a huge garden, canned all the veggies, kept everyone feed, AND kept a spotless house no one ever gave her an special treatment."....(.Well, what ever, I'm not half the women your Grandma was. Thanks for pointing that out! Carry in the f***in groceries!)...I think that is alot of his problem, he thinks I get to much special treatment from other people and he's jelouse! I do get a lil. My Dad is paying for my Mom and I to go on a trip in May, I have 2 older brothers that aren't married and don't have any kids that think I shouldn't do ANYTHING! (but, I don't see them over here cleaning my house for me LOL) One of his friends calls me to see how I'm doing at least once a week (that really gets him) and his Dad has been picking up chicken food (50lbs) and carrying it down to the shed for me. He just looks at it as "My Dad doesn't do anything for me",,He doesn't take in to consideration his Dad takes it as an invite to get in the rest of my business....(like walking in without knocking and say things like "On that computer again"....ooppps I didn't mean to sound ungratful. I am.).....Whew, I guess I needed to vent too!..just let me tell ya one more thing.

One of the most hurtful things he's done is. We went for a NT scan. a few weeks ago. He was absolutely glowing the whole time!! When we were walking out he was still just grinning like a fool and I smiled at him and squeezed his hand and said "amazing huh?" (I only had one u/s with Eva and he couldn't be there)..his whole demeanor changed!!! he went right in to d*ck mode and said "It was alright I guess"......Wha?? I still don't understand that!!!!???

but on the other side like most of you girls! He is an absolutely WONDERFUL Daddy. so I guess that is what really matters. He can be a great DH too, he just feels the need to p*ss me of at least 2 times a day.

[Tennesseegirl]

men are really funny at this time. I cant understand them at all. My dh is always asking me if I want something? milk, food... etc.. and he would jump up to run and get me something at a store or fast food place.  My friends and family know more then he does with this pregnancy.. hell.. you guys know more. I get so mad if people ask him and he tries to fumble around the question. I want to yell... HE DOESNT Know!!
but the affectionant part... forget it. nothing... zip!  I never was one to have to ask for it. and really dont plan on it. I think that would take away from the enjoyment. something like that should be wanted to do ... not asked.
oh well... guess thats why I get no affection...forget it ... nothing.. zip... lol
really... If you stop and think about it. Its really not so bad, I mean.. I def. wouldnt like it if he had a turn on all the time!  mine is so low.. I would be scared I would go into labor. so its just as well now... when my dd was born. I breast fed. and omg... I hated it when he would fondle them! I felt they were hers for now and hands off!!! really crazy kind of way. I hope I dont get that way with this one..it was a major turn off !
I would love to know whats going on in his heads though. sounds like its pretty common.
glad you brought it up ashleysmom.. atleast now we shouldnt take it AS personal. When the baby is born is what really maters in the end.
lol.. I too will be looking for that book next time Im out and about... Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy.

[AshleysMom]

Boy, I am glad I'm not alone but sorry you guys (well most of you) have similar issues.

You know what else I hate?  I don't even get a break for being emotional or moody.   It's like he's the victim.  Some men just don't get it.

Chicky - I hear you on that post.  That's sort of what set me off.  

I think we should all treat ourselves to something.  Maybe I'll get a massage or something...

Also, I do think DH is excited about the baby.  I found out that he called all his buddies to tell them its a boy when we found out during the amnio.  Wish some of that excitement would rub off on me.  I also hope he would have done the same if it were a girl...

Thanks for letting me vent.  I love this group.  Supportive and quite infomative.  I can now wipe my butt much more efficiently:)

[montie2]

Not alone.  Mine was hit and miss.  Some days, the best, excited and sweet, but some times, off doing his thing while I puked and was bed ridden, and also very detached at times.  I'll never forget, went into early labor and was in the hospital with the monitors and Iv's hooked up.  I texted him to tell him where I was at.  When he showed up, he was more concerned about watching tv and was trying to turn down the sound on the monitor because it was too loud. I was loving hearing the baby move all around and he was trying to turn it down.

I just try to remember, I needed his sperm to get this darling child.  His work is done now.

[40smama]

I love your post, chicky!  That was so funny - I remember when we found out our baby was a boy and then finding out that's what dh wanted all along - what a freakin' shock!  I totally bought into the 'not caring as long as the baby's healthy' thing.  And here he was along wanting a boy - in fact was counting on it!  I really didn't know what to say to that.  

He threw that thing about all of the stuff his mama did when she was pg w/him - I told him to shut his f****** mouth and get to work!   Funny how I keep saying that now-a-days..Oh yeah, he keeps talking about how he's going to 'discipline' our child like his parents did.  What a dummy - just wait until he holds his precious baby in his arms.  Stuff like that will fly right out of his head - I hope anyway.....

[chickymama]

Ya guys think that's it!! If they show they are happy and excited they think they will jinks it some how? and something will go "wrong"?...I know that's how he feels about wanting a boy. He won't say it out loud....thinks the Cosmo is against him or something and if he really wants something he won't get it! ...what's funny is I think that's goofy,but I'm kinda like that about worrying! In my twisted lil head I some how think If I stay up half the night worrying about something it won't happen, Like I some how payed my debt to it or something. LOL......Anyway, back to the boy thing. My Mom and I have got in to the habit of saying "He" when referring to the baby and he always smiles and says "He, huh?"..(Eva thinks it's a girl.though) I've told him in advance "Don't you DARE make me feel like you are disappointed if it's a girl!! and remember it's your sperm that decided the sex, so don't act like I let you down either!".......Which I know he'll be fine. Him and Eva are tight (It helps that she is a "Tom Boy" and LOVES, camping and fishing with her Daddy at the river, and can't wait til she's old enough to "whack a big buck")....To tell you girls the truth (don't dare tell him I said this.) I'm a lil scared of having a boy, We went on a field trip with Eva's preschool on Mon. (a pizza place, they go to make their own pizzas and DQ they got to see how everything works and had ice cream) and some of those boys are WILD, and I am not a patient women! and He is "high strung" so our children probably will have that tendense. (gulp!) maybe since I'm worrying about it it won't happen!! LOL! .......Whew, I'm rambling this morning! Sorry! I better go get her ready for preschool. Have a great day ladies!