Another friend is pregnant, how do I explain this?

[usuk]

Hi everyone,

So another couple friend is pregnant and I know they have been trying for years so I am happy for them. The trouble is this. She talks about being tired and this and that and I can relate having been their 3 times, but my 3 times are unsuccessful. She is 12 weeks now and I've been to 14 weeks. But the problem is, I can't participate in the conversation. I can't say "i know, i remember, etc" I can't even give advice about her upcoming NT scans even though I've done it. That will only bring up a subject that she should not even be thinking about - loss. So instead I sit there looking awkward or uninterested when instead I am censoring myself and holding back. Can anyone relate? I am so worried I seem strange to people.

[adgal]

Its so hard when this happens.  For me, everyone knows what my story is, so it made it easier.  At the same time, you don't want to scare anyone either.  You just need to do what's right for you.  I doubt anyone notices as we tend to be far more critical of ourselves then others are.  Love ya girl, your gonna get there.  I know you will!  

[udbe2]

I can relate to how you are feeling. The farthest I've made it was 9 wks. I work in an office where it's not unusual for younger women are popping up pregnant all the time.  With over 500 people here and they send emails out for all of the new arrivials or even baby showers for the husbands wives.  If I see them I voice my congrats to them.

Also it's hard since as soon as I do find out I'm pregnant, my boss and many others know right away.  It's hard to keep anything fromt them since being in the military the clinic sends a message to the upper management as soon as they find out.  It's hard when they come around to say congrats one week and I'm sorry to hear of your loss another week.

[usuk]

Well as per usual you all amaze me and this "love fest" of a forum will get me through the 2ww.

[rubyinparadise]

I know exactly what you mean. I've made it to 10 weeks so it feels weird to be commenting at all, to anybody-- even others on this forum-- on the experiences of early pregnancy! I can imagine how that would be exacerbated in real life.
I think you are incredibly sweet and considerate for this to even be crossing your mind.

I have a friend-- one of my best and oldest friends-- who has been pregnant 6 times and has only given birth once. However, her current pregnancy looks like it is going to be successful! She is about 18 weeks now.

I want to tell her I'm pregnant but I'm waiting. In fact, I might even wait until she's close to delivering. The reason being that I will be about 20 weeks by then, and if I make it that far, I will be confident of going all the way.

I don't want to share the news too early and then have to tell her some bad news while she is just trying to make it through to her own delivery. So I'm keeping mum. I've been tempted to tell her because she can so relate. But it's not fair of me to ask that of her while all her focus and energy should be placed on her own positive outcome.

[usuk]

It definitely is hard. It's hard to only give good advice and have the unlucky reason why you are providing that advice not rise to the top of the conversation. I feel the same way about this forum. People ask "who has had luck on clomid" and my answer is yes? well kind-of? Should I not respond that it worked for me if I did not go the distance. Does that give people hope or not? Very tricky I think.

[Mochica]

You are so kind to this friend. And I think she's kind in sharing in front of you. It's a bit awkward but I've been there ... kinda. I haven't been anywhere near 13 weeks. I cannot imagine my body working that well and I cannot fully comprehend the feeling of loss from that. But I have lost a few now and many of my friends are young ladies in their late 20s and early 30s. They all get pregnant at the drop of a hat! LOL. Good for them but each time, I'm a bit jealous. And each time there's this little dance about how much of their experience they can share with or around me. I would love to know more about these babies and the experience but it does hurt my feelings a bit. So like you, I'm tight lipped after the initial "CONGRATS." I watch that I don't scare them with any of my questions ... sometimes I sound too technical and they've not had to get to a point where they investigate things. I suppose I figure they understand when I'm a little overly relaxed in my contribution. My most recently pregnant gfriend has been kind enough to really share the joy with me. However, now I'm stuck throwing a baby shower for 20 young ladies ... most with kiddies. Someone flaked out and there I am ... the older and wiser? friend that can get things organized quickly ... her hubby asked me to step in b/c she was getting distressed about the shower situation. I don't want her stressed but I just lost a pregnancy (something that I didn't share with her though it happened when she was 20 weeks.) I'm feeling really torn. While I'm happy, I'm not HAPPY happy. I feel my energy is off for this task. These relationships with pregnant/not pregnant are sometimes hard.

[sue68]

I can understand why you feel like you're censoring yourself - you don't want to remind her of what you'd been through 3 times.  My advice to you - so that you don't feel awkward or "strange" around her - is just listen to her when she talks and only give her advice when she asks.  That way it will feel less uncomfortable for you - so, just be the "ear".

[rdh1981]

You are not strange. You are actually very sweet for trying not to bring any fear into her life. You are good friend. Personally I am not sure I could sit there and listen.  

If she truly is your good friend then tell her that you are so happy she is pregnant and she deserve this so much and you could not be happier for her, but it brings up painful memories for you. How can she not respect that.

I have always admired your strength and I know you will find the perfect way to handle this situation. We are all here for you, so please do not feel like you are alone!