Anyone else ever feel this way?

So I am feeling a bit of regret here and wondering if anyone else feels or has felt this way.  I have loved being pregnant!  However, I have also spent a high percentage of it worrying.  First and second trimester there was so much anxiety about miscarrying again that it was tough to sometimes remember to really appreciate and enjoy the miracle of it.  I know I had good reason to worry, but still, I really wish I had been able to push that aside and truly enjoy the changes happening in my body and the incredible experience of actually growing this baby (did that even make sense?)  Third trimester is better, less worry, but part of me still seems to be waiting for the other shoe to drop if you know what I mean.  There is still anxiety. It's still hard sometimes to believe that this is really happening. So now I find myself at 32 weeks, knowing that my pregnancy will soon be over and I am a bit sad that I didn't take the time to really enjoy more of it.  Being that I will be 41 (or just about to turn 41) when he is born, I am realistic about my chances of being able to experience this again (although I fully intend to try!!!).  I know there are several women here, who, like me, have worried a lot of this due to previous bad experiences.  Do you regret the amount of energy and time spent worrying as well?  Or is this all just normal and everyone goes through it, bad previous experiences or not?

[SoCalTricia]

Amanda, I had exactly the same thoughts about my pregnancy with Ian. I SO wanted it to be the beautiful experience that I had with my first two...but the worry because of my age and everything just made me a basket case, and I didn't enjoy it the way I envisioned. And now, with the way things turned out, I feel even worse. I have vowed that, no matter what, if I am allowed the privilege of having another baby, I will cherish every single moment of it, rather than count the weeks until it's over. My husband feels exactly the same way.

Tricia

[adgal]

You know Tricia, you are truly inspirational.  When I think of what you have been through, yet here you are, with amazing words and support for others, I am just blown away.  I want such wonderful things for you and thank you for your comments.  Love you girlfriend.

[momof8215]

Listen, it is so more than normal to feel that way when your pregnancy is almost over. As wonderful as you are going to feel when you are holding him in your arms, you are going to miss him being inside of you. My kids are 22, 20, and 13...I remember all their pregnancies, deliveries, and so on like it happened yesterday and yet I still miss being pregnant. Part of that is what makes me so determined to do this again with the love of my life. Although I enjoyed my pregnancies...I had them all by myself and only friends and family to share it with. Their fathers weren't there, and although my youngest's father has been in his life since he was born, he wasn't there for all of the pregnancy (circumstances prevented that), Anyway, blah blah blah...I could go on forever...Enjoy what time you have left and treasure every kick and bump he gives you...you will always remember it even when he grows up and is in College.  Love ya girl!!

[mjmom69]

I know what you mean about regret and worrying. This is my second marriage and I have one child with my previous husband. It wasn't planned and he wasn't happy when I told him, I wasn't sure exactly why until I was 4 months pg and he told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't want a divorce yet (he didn't want to look bad leaving his pg wife!). It was horrible. I feel I missed the wonder and joy of my pg because of it. I do remember things, like the first time I felt her move, but I couldn't really focus on it or feel as much joy as I could have because I was too focused on trying to make my ex love me again and keep our family together. Now that I am remarried, I see that it was really for the best that me and my daughter finally left and moved on (when she was 4 mo. old). I see him for what he really is and have met a WONDERFUL man who wants to just be with me and have a child together and grow old together. I worry all the time that it will never happen for us (we are both 40 and he has no children of his own). I know I will worry about the baby alot if we do conceive, but I want to treasure it and remember all the great and wonderful things about pregnancy and delivery that I didn't appreciate before and the experience of having a child with someone who wants to have a child with me. But don't worry, even though I went through a divorce in the first couple of years of my DD life, I didn't miss any of her growing up and she seemed to make all that pain ease just by living. You will forget all the worry and just enjoy your child when he comes

[YvetteY]

Hello Amanda:

As you know I had a difficult pregnancy and worried constantly.  To be honest I think the worrying was all justified.  It's hard not to worry considering what you've been through.  To be honest, I can't see what is so great about being pregnant.  I was completely uncomfortable most of the time.  To me it wasn't a bad experience and I have no regrets about my worrying and/or energy spent.   I do have a 19 yr old and had a very text book pregnancy with him, and I can't say that I even enjoyed being pregnant then.  I was, all times during pregnancy, more excited to see the baby than anything else.  The anticipation was crazy.   Oh well, that's just me.   I can't say I made a great pregnant person and I have no regrets about being my worries.

What I do now, however, is focus on the baby.  I'm terrible...I can't put her down.  I haven't been separated from her for more than a three hours since I had her.  I am appreciating and remembering everything about her.  I'm not anxious for her to grow up on me.  I have a 19 yr old and I can tell you that those 19 yrs passed in a flash.   I'm trying to appreciate this baby and everything about her this time around.   I could just sit and rock her for hours.  

I may not be back on for a while so I want to let you know that I am sending you well wishes for you and your baby and a healthy delivery.

[adgal]

Thanks everyone.  And Yvette, long time no hear from you.  Thanks for the good wishes and I hope all is well with you and your little one.

I guess I am just disappointed in myself.  For me personally, I have never ever cared about a baby being mine genetically.  I would have been very happy adopting or whatever the case wound up being and I know I could have (and still could) love any child whether I brought him or her into this world myself or not.  The reason I kept trying is because I wanted to know what it was like.  I know, that sounds sort of weird, but I really wanted to experience a pregnancy.  I would have opted for donor eggs a year ago, but laws surrounding that issue in Canada make it rather difficult.  Warren and I had already started looking into adoption, and we still intend to pursue that in a year or so.  So being that I was so determined to experience a pregnancy, I feel cheated a bit that there was this constant worry.  I feel like I didn't get to really enjoy it the way I had hoped.  Don't get me wrong, it has been an incredible experience so far, even with some of the issues we have had to deal with...the bleeding, the high risk of downs and the amnio, etc.  I am madly in love with my little boy and every time I feel him move or kick it brings me such incredible joy.  I just wish I could go back in time a bit and worry less, enjoy more.  I know Warren feels a bit the same.  He is so excited about his son and has really been pretty fantastic through this, but was constantly reassuring me. So not only do I feel like I cheated myself a bit, I feel like I cheated him too.  Anyway, I am just having a bit of a poor me night.  Chalk it up to hormones.  I have no doubt that when I look back on this it will be all the happy moments I remember.....seeing that little heartbeat for the first time, seeing him grow on ultrasound and being amazed at the whole process, getting that phone call with the amnio results, finding out his anatomy scan was excellent, and just knowing that so far (knock on wood) he is healthy and developing as he should be.  I have been trying to journal, keep records and photos so that I always remember the miracle that is soon to be my son.....we have to give this poor child a name though!  

Thanks so much for all your comments.  As always, we have such an amazing group of women here!!

[ita17]

It's kinda funny, cuz w/my 3 kids I have, the worrying really came for me in the last few weeks.  I had, had one MC between 2 & 3, so w/my 4th pg I was more "aware" in the first few weeks (like stopped drinking coke, stayed away from garden stuff-pestesides)  but was fine.  & since I never got real bad pg symptoms I had no complaints really.  Actually, at times I felt more healthy during pg than not;)
In the last trimester, I  would worry more about "is there enough amnionic fluid"  "is the cord tugging on my baby"  stuff like that.  So w/my last child, I would go to a US tech school (yes I'm kinda crazy:) & would get US's done like all the time! ($25.00!) LOL  I even had my OB send me to his US gal @ 37 weeks to measure the amount of fluid.  Although that one was a little justified......my first was born on her due date full of meconion, & lots of times when a baby isn't overdue, it can be caused by low level of amnionic fluid.......hence me worrying;)
I think I'm a "weird" preggo mom, I really LOVE it all, I never got sick, I never gained much weight ( very lucky;) never swollen, no health issues (besides dental once!) plus, the feeling of my baby moving & living inside of of me is something truly amazing, & the memory will stay w/me (you) forever, it's about the best memory for me I will ever have;)

I'm happy that you were able to get pg, & enjoy feeling your baby grow, it's truly a miracle.
Listen, don't have any regrets, I'm sure you will have fond memories of being pregnant......the worrying begins @ the first sight of your BFP........& will last an eternity.......you're a mommy;)

[melimeli]

I know how you feel.. I thought if I got excited I would jinx it....  It sucked.. my first pg I was very naive and enjoyed every minute but didn't appreciate it.. at 22 then when I would have appreciated every minute and enjoyed it to the max I had already m/c and couldn't let myself fully enjoy the moment... but just know that you have many many years to grow that baby up and that is the best part of it all!!!

[Victoria01]

I can easily understand how you feel. I am 23 weeks and even though I feel him moving all the time, I still worry about another miscarriage. Every time he is quiet for any length of time I wonder is something may be wrong, and then I feel him and feel guilty for not trusting in him and my body to care for him. It's a strange little circle that seems to go on and on everyday. After someone experiences a miscarriage I don't think they can ever not worry when they are pregnant, though I do wish I could just enjoy it and relax. I have to tell myself everyday that my little man is just fine and everything will turn out fine. I don't think we ever stop worrying. :)

[PamelaBee]

Yes, I totally wasted half, if not more time with worry with my 1st born.  Olivia was different, I was more in shock than anything that I even got pregnant the second time around...so I promised myself I wouldn't utter a word of skepticism...although I did, it's only natural, but if and WHEN you have #2 or 3 : ), you will find yourself much more relaxed and accepting...cause everything won't be so new and scarey.  Only a good Mother worries : ) XO

[sue68]

Hi Amanda,

When you go through just one m/c - it changes you - and you've gone through 5.   Its only natural that you worry the entire time, holding your breath because you know how fragile life is.

The thing is, when you look back ( now and after baby is born ) you're going to feel so happy, so fulfilled now that this little guy is in your life.  There are so many good memories to focus on. You're going to remember the day you took the hpt and got the BFP.  You're going to remember the day you received the Doppler , will laugh at the memory of trying to find the heartbeat, then finally hearing it, (and then constantly working it to reassure yourself).  You're going to remember how it felt each month as he grew, the "firm" feeling as you rub your belly, or the excitement Warren showed on his face when you both watched your first 3D ultrasound, the wonder of the first "flutter" of movement in your belly,  DH catering to your every whim...etc etc....There are SO many memories that you do have if you think back.  Don't worry about not having "enjoyed"  your pregnancy.  I heard it in your words everytime you posted your excitement, the progress , the pics etc.... So , you see - you DID enjoy your pregnancy.     :D

[prevatt77]

Maybe you should do the casting of your belly so you can look back on things and remember them even more.

Here is the website:  http://www*castingkeepsakes*com/belly-cast-kits-c-8*html

Replace the dots with asterisks.

[TreeFrog7]

Hiya!

I haven't been in your position, but I can well imagine your feelings and I'm sure they're perfectly normal and very common. Don't regret being worried and stressed - just decide to remember all the good stuff, and enjoy all the good stuff to come! The stress - feh - forget it!

Best wishes,
~Wendy

[pertykitty]

i didnt worry with my son but after one loss i did with my dd.  it took months, almost till the 3rd tri before i could relax.  dont be hard on yourself.  you still have time to try to focus on enjoying the last of your pg.  you still have some time to go!  you will miss feeling your baby inside of you moving.  you will miss that baby bump and wish for it again.  maybe taking some pg pics, ive seen some beautiful portraits, will help you to embrace the last moments of pregnancy.  i mean professional pics.  i never did and wish i had.  maybe later on i will with the kids!  

[forestfairie]

I didnt worry much with my last 2 children even after 2 previous miscarriages (odd I know). This one I worry ALOT. I'm quite a bit older this time around and I know all the things that can go wrong. Its still early on and I cant get rid of the fear. I know this is my last one (Im sure of it) and I want to enjoy everything too. Im hoping in the second trimester I can muster that up.

[kristine625]

Good post. This is a really good topic and I have enjoyed reading everyone's experiences.  I don't "enjoy" the topic, I wish none of us ever worried... yeah right.

I think I would definitely fall into your category Amanda, and worry all the time.  After I've had  4mc I don't think I could help it.

But It's nice to hear others feel the same way.  There's just, as always, a really nice support system here.

[mommyin10]

I think it's perfectly normal to worry. Most people don't really understand what the "miracle of childbirth" is. I think for the most part getting pregnant & having babies is taken for granted. It's hard for someone to understand what we're going through until they experience the heartache & complications many of us have ;) You are doing great & your little guy will be in your arms so soon! I have no doubt in my mind that you'll enjoy every moment with your precious baby, so don't be too hard on yourself :)

[adgal]

Although I don't wish the worry on anyone, it does make me feel better to know I am not completely neurotic.  And Perty, good suggestion.  We are having some professional shots done this weekend.  I really want as many mementos of this happy time as I can get.  Although I am excited to finish work next week, I am also thinking that will just give me more time to sit and worry. Currently my fears are low amniotic fluid (I have absolutely no indicators that this is the case, don't ask me where this came from), cord wrapping around his neck and compressed cord (I don't even know what that is exactly..I just read about it somewhere..). Crazy isn't it?  Funny thing is, I am not even remotely worried about labour and birth pain....I think because that is only uncomfortable for me, not him, so I know I can deal with it.  Warren on the other hand is a stress case about the whole birthing thing...lol.  Anyone ever seen the Flintstones episode where Wilma goes into labour, Fred freaks out and goes to hospital only to discover he forgot her at home?  Yep, that will be my husband...lol.

[ita17]

Those were my only 2 worries.  Thats it.  Like you said, labor....... we're "tough"  but it's the stuff "we" can't control that was really hard on me.
You are NOT alone;)

[Pum]

The tv labour story that most matched mine was Rachel on Friends when she was sitting there and woman after woman came through having their babies. She had an exam and was 3cm dilated and Ross goes "3cm?, I'm 3cm".
You have had good reasons to have not had a completely worry free pregnancy and I think you've done really well considering all the scares and your history.
I'm sorry the happy hormones haven't fixed that 100%. I really miss them.
Let go a little and trust your body to do all the right things.