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My next step is egg donor. I'm not so sad about using an egg donor as I am about having to go through the whole process of trying to have a baby all over again. I am wondering whether there is a egg donor forum where I can post my q's:
(1) What is/are the best agency(ies) for finding an egg donor?
(2) Are there any other ways to find an egg donor that have been successful? (posting an ad, etc.)
(3) ***We want a baby ASAP and are desperate to find an egg donor who looks like me. I've already searched the web and have come up with nothing. We already have one biological child so it matters a little more. Both my husband and I are very tall and thin (5'9, 120 pounds) and fair (naturally blonde hair) - these don't seem like common characteristics among egg donors (at least not in this country). Any thoughts?
(4) To tell or not to tell our friends? Our thoughts are to tell the child and immediate family but no one else unless the child chooses to tell people if he/she wants. Any resources (books, etc.) on this topic? We want what's best for the child.
Have you done IVF already? Using an egg donor is not a lot more complicated for you than doing IVF, it's just somewhat more expensive. (You don't have to have the trigger shot or the egg collection, the donor does, which in fact makes it a tiny bit easier physically on you.)
Unless a friend or family member volunteers, I wouldn't waste time posting an ad. The donor agency will handle the legalities, the health insurance for the donor, the fees, the indemnities, and the screening of the person (physically and psychologically). You really can't do those things yourself, you'd have to hire a lawyer who is totally up on the subject, and at that point you'd save money by using an agency instead.
Where are you located? It's surprising that you're having trouble finding an agency with an available donor that roughly matches your physical characteristics, since the good agencies try hard to offer a broad selection of appearances and ethnicities in their donor base. The agencies in California and Oregon that I looked had as many blondes on their websites as women with any other appearance.
You don't need to tell anyone you used a donor if you don't want to, or you can. My doctor suggested not telling, so the child would never know. We opted to talk about it to family, since because of my age, they would have worried about chromosomal damage to the baby otherwise and would probably have been angry with us for getting pregnant if they didn't know. As it happened, we talked about it in such a matter-of-fact way that nobody has thought of mentioning it to our son so far. By the time he's old enough to know what an egg donor is, the subject will have lost any interest it still has for the people who know that is what we did. My son is such a distinct person that it just hasn't stayed in people's minds. (Maybe it helps that one of my sisters used a sperm donor, so any salacious interest someone would have had about such things was all used up before we came along.)
By "distinct person," I'm not talking about his personality, what I mean is that the family simply meets the child as a whole child, and who he really is overtakes anything slightly unusual about where he came from. They're busy thinking about what he said, or how far he has come in his preschool, or if he fell down and got a bruise on his forehead on the slide, not remembering "ancient history" of where the egg came from.
Call fertility clinics in your area and ask if they have donor egg programs with their IVF programs. If they do, go to the CDC web site to check the donor egg program's rating.
I definitely agree about using a fertility clinic to find out about egg donors VS using a personal ad. Also, the fertility clinic should require you and your spouse to see a licensed therapist for the mental health side of things. We researched several clinics with donor programs and they all required the recipients and the egg donor to see a psychologist / take a psychological test as part of being accepted into the donor program. I would make sure the donor egg facility requires the egg donor to see a psychologist or take the MMPI as part of the donor pre-screening.
Yes, the donor egg facility should be able to give you stats on if the donor has donated eggs before, how many eggs she produced and her success rates. Also, I've read from others on these forums that they did not hesitate to travel elsewhere in the states or even out of the country for donor egg and IVF. Good luck. Do your homework. Don't be overly anxious so you don't get taken advantage of financially. Good luck!
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