Feeling NOT supported ....

[slippinandsliddin]

**** VENT ALERT ***

I have  done pretty much everything for the baby ... a boy. I don't have a lot of money right now- I spent a very small amount- used things or hand me downs. Only things he needs are a few sheets and a baby monitor. (I am sewing diapers.)

I asked my partner to get a pack of batteries so I can try out the swing/bouncer/bassinet and see if they work. (Baby is due in Spring- so I do have time ... but again- wanted to make sure these things work/are safe.)

I can;t even believe that he moaned and groaned- had me come to the store to pick them out- and then moaned some more about how I can't even afford to buy the batteries- and he HAS to. I told him I would be sure and tell our son what he did for him - which I know is rude. He said that he will be sure and tell him how I couldnt afford them ... OY ...

Partner has gone to 2 doctors appts in 4 pregnancies. (And also for both U/S- as he wanted to know the sex.)


Then tonight he comes home and is complained that I turned one of the "rags"- old towel" into wash cloths/baby wipes ... and that was his and I should have asked him. ????

I have put together the entire nursery- which entailed moving a few things that were heavy- and he said he would do- but didnt--- too busy ... I also sewed the curtains.

He seems to be jealous --- says I dont sew things for him- just the baby. OMG!

Anyhow- can't sleep now and just feeling sad... over silly things!

I recently fell down some stairs- and hurt my back/ etc ... and I guess I thought he might rub it or do something for me/us ... nada. I think our dog has done more for us ...

Am I wrong to expect him to do a little bit for me and our little guy? Should I expect him to be at a few more doctors appts? he didnt even go/take me to the dr. when I had the Swine Flu ... OK.. done now- thanks for letting me vent. :)

[melimeli]

well go to a different one.. it can't be worse than the treatment you and your kids are receiving at your house now.. go and don't be with any other man for a long while.. you are messed up in the head.. you don't choose men well.. you need to be on your own to heal and to get better.. you need to understand yourself better and make your kids your focus instead of trying to put your focus on a worthless man... leave and don't look back

[slippinandsliddin]

I was in a DV shelter. I just never understood why the other worker could not have given me the depoit $$$ (for getting my place to live.) I had to see "my" worker. IT was really hard when you see all the other women getting the help they need for they and their kids. Plus I was taking time off work- which was $$$ ... and I would see her taking smoke breaks/chatting. Oy! I hated it there. We had to sleep in the library  - no heat- a few times becuase my room was so loud during "quiet" hours 11 pm to 5. I had to get up at 4 am for work... just horrible memories ... In paticular was a girl in my room- like 22 yrx old- preg with her 5th kid (others taken) and addicted to drugs- and she would smoke in the room- which you werent allowed to do in the house. They (staff)  would also come and pretty much daily search our things and leave them everywhere- I at  first thought one of the kiddos was getting into our stuff- so I out it on my dd top bunk. I'm glad there are some ok places- but this was just not good. I also left notes for the DIRECTOR (workers boss) so that I could just get the deposit money. My worker - after 3 missed appts- and 2 that I found out she WENT home. Well she left me a note how bout next week- as something very important came up each of those times. Yes- I have a cell phone number. That was after I was there umm- 13 days and was leaving the next day.

You should not be in a DV shelter and not speak to someone after that long. All I ever got was here are the rules- sign- and here is your locker combonation... someone will get with you about resources/counseling. Nada.

[melimeli]

I worked at a shelter and it was the opposite of what you said.. it was great! and the women were great!  it was a domestic violence shelter which is different than a homeless shelter.. which were you in?

[adgal]

I know the system isn't easy.  I work in it and I see it every day.  There are so many good, dedicated workers out there....sadly there are also those that just shouldn't be doing what they are doing for a living.  I know the system is a little different here to the US, but much of what we do at our agency is modeled after some of the US organizations, so I know there are good ones.  Call the Domestic Violence Hotline.  Talk to them about your concerns.  There really are options, but you do have to look for them.  There are some wonderful, dedicated people and organizations out there. I'm sorry your last experience was such a negative one, but honestly, I promise you, there are some good ones and some wonderfully dedicated people.  But you have to look, and sometimes you have to make a lot of noise.  Help is available.  If you lived here, I could easily connect you to the right places.  I have some contacts in the US, but only in certain cities.  Still, I know they exist.  Google Rapid Rehousing Programs...see whats available in your area.  They are the fastest way to independance, especially if you have no addiction or mental health issues (I am talking major ones that make it difficult for your to live independantly.  Or, if you want to send me a pm with a bit more info, I might be able to help.  I am not offended at all if you are not comfortable with that, so I hope that comment didn't put you in an awkward spot.  But I will help connect you if I am able.  

[slippinandsliddin]

Yep- lived in a shelter for two weeks before. I did ask for help.  Every appt I made with the counselor/worker- (I think three appts) she wouldnt show up. (I had to take off work and get someone to watch my kids- as couldnt bring them to appt.) All I really needed was help with the deposit $$- I left her notes- so she knew that- but I kept losing places to live because she was supposed to have it and never did. Yet- she would be out having cigarette breaks- talking on her cell phone- etc. So I would approach her then- as I rerally needed the help- which was hard for me to even ask for. The other women were getting the help they needed with another worker- so iwent to her and they said I had to see "My" worker- who I never even talked with. Most of the other women did not have a job- which is what they told me to do- quit my job and camp out at her door- plus get $$$ from the state- etc... and probably help from LEGAL AID. (Many were on drugs- gettig kicked out of the shelter-/had their kids taken and were in foster care- etc. I guess with more problems than me.)

In "our" room there were 6 families- in one room. No working washer/dryer- people washing in the tub (I think there were 15 to a bathroom) Couldnt get in there and when you did you had to clean before using it. Drying things up all over the place. I had a uniform to wear to work so we would go to the Laundry mat.

(Oh- some women did get a "shelter" house- but they had loads of kids. 4 plus)

I ended up finding a place and not wanting to lose it so I wrote a "check" from a line of credit for my security/rent. I garbaged picked or "created" most of my furntiture. My kids slept on air mattresses on top of Rubbermaid (big) containers. I gave my kids the two bedrooms and slept on a futon in the LR. (Couldnt afford 3 bedroom place..)

On the day I moved out of the shelter- the counselor left me a note (OMG!) that I HAD to meet with her before I could leave because she needed information from me for funding/demographic reasons. Needless to say that I moved out before the appt.- as I already had plans to be there with Landlord and get keys etc. I surely was not moving my plans to get blown off by her again. So going to a shelter is definitely a last resort for me.

PLUS- my family member has been going thru infertility- so it would just be really hard to live there. I should not have thought of it. So I klnow a shelter is my only option. and I hate it...

[adgal]

When it comes to women's shelters, there are good and bad ones.  Contact your local domestic violence hotline.....tell them your situation and they can point you in the right direction.  Many of the shelters will arrange transport for you and your children.  The next step is of course financial supports.  Your worker at the shelter should be able to help you.  Then try to get into one of the Rapid Rehousing programs.  That is the one I run (or ran before maternity leave) and they are a wonderful resource. They will look for affordable, safe housing for you and your family.  The goal is to get you out of shelter and living independantly as soon as possible.  I am not certain where you are in the country, but again, the shelter should be able to assist you.  You need to ask though....many shelter workers are stretched so thin, and do not always ask.  Lastly, transitional housing may be a good option.  In most cites and towns, there is a supported, yet mainly independant transitional housing situation available for victims of domestic abuse.  It's a safe enviroment that gives you time to sort of regroup and get the counselling most women need after a situation like yours.  Make no mistake about it, you have been a victim of domestic violence.  The bruises don't always show on the outside.  You have to take control of your own situation and ask for the help you need.  It's out there if you look!!  Good luck honey, you can do it!!!!

[Ecologic]

Sorry about the bad turn of events! How about you write a letter to the relative that lives 4 hours from you, explaining to her you need quick help?

Would you mind telling us in which country or state you live? Maybe people here will know of some programs in your area.

[slippinandsliddin]

Thanks all. Sorry this is long ...

My family member I was hoping to stay with hung up on me/set the phone down this morning. I was trying to explain what is going on- and she has told me before that she doesn't want to hear his name- as she hates him. I didnt even get a chance to ask her. She is 4 hours from me.

As for my other family= my parents divorced and I am the oldest of many siblings- many waaay younger. Most dont speak to me because I talk with my one parent- just from time to time ... the other siblings were young and adopted by my step-father- sorry if TMI. I forgave this parent for abusing me- yes- they served prison time for it. I don't really want my baby there.

So my only option is really a shelter- which I have done before. (Awful experience. No one had the time to point me in the right direction for help- and they were over crowdeed- bugs- and SCREAMING/cursing all night- and I had to work- and I also have medical problems which are exasperated by lack of sleep- autoimmune ...) Anyhow-  I am worried about leaving my thiings here ... and my dog. I know that all seems petty. There is a shelter-  very close to where I am right now- walking distance. They have signs up at my doctor's office- as the Hospital runs it.

I now have no vehicle- or we would probably be sleeping in there ...

As far as thinking about good men in the world- I really dont think they exist. I think they are all pretend/fake ... and once they get you- their true colors come out.

I am not afraid or scared to raise my son on my own- I know I will do that with or without my partner  in my life- as I feel we are alone already. I just wprry about him blaming me- for his dad not being in his life ... :(

[Ecologic]

No health insurance could be a big problem if you won't have any where your family lives. Try to see if they have some cheap or free programs for pregnant women.

Good luck, and don't worry about your son not being raised without his father: from your description of the man, your son will be better off without him!

[PamelaBee]

Wow.  Your self esteem is so beaten down by this male.  I can't even find it in me to call him a man.  Yes, you are hormonal on top of everything else, but believe me, a tiger never changes its stripes, so if you think or wish or hope he will change...I can assure you he absolutely, positively, undeniably will not.  Please, again...for the sake of your precious innocent soon to be baby boy...do whatever necessary to rid, free and eliminate this unworthy, unhelping, selfish and useless  "MALE" out of your life.  You will be pleasantly surprised how happy and freeing your life will be without him.  Don't be afraid, or scared, don't second guess your decision...just do it and you will see a remarkable change for the better in yours and your little baby boy's life.  There are tons of great great men in this world looking for a new life as well, that are willing to help, support care and nurture you and your family, don't think for one second your "male" is the only one for you...he is a waste of time, and once he is ridden from your life, you will see that clear as crystal...

[adgal]

It sounds like you have made the right decision. I always think that when faced with a really difficult situation, making the decision is the hardest part.  I am so glad you have family you can turn to.  I don't know much about how medical coverage works in the US, but surely as a pregnant women leaving an abusive situation there must be some sort of support where the medical bills are concerned?  I would contact agencies that help abused women.....believe me, I know for certain they take emotional and verbal abuse as seriously as they do physical.

I know it's won't be easy to raise your son on your own, but it is better for him to be in a home with one loving parent then a home full of stress and turmoil.  As some others have said cycles repeat themselves....and they do.  Most of the abused women we help grew up in homes where there was abuse.  We don't really do anything with for the abusers, but I am certain that we would find the same thing.  If boy's see that, it's what they know, and what they do.  This is a better alternative for all of you.  You can do this!  There are so many agencies out there for support....lean on them.  It's what they are there for.  

You will be ok.  I know you will.  Reach inside to that inner strength...it's there.  Good luck, and you know we are here to listen if you need us.

[rubyinparadise]

You can do it! You may be separating your son from his biological father but that isn't to say that he won't have a father figure in his life. Better to choose a good man, a mature and loving man, than to stay with this jerk and let your son be subjected to poor treatment, which he would most certainly receive.

My parents divorced when I was very small, I think I was only 4 by the time they actually did it, and I was relieved! They were so miserable together-- and YES, very small children do know exactly what is going on and they are affected by it.

You're doing the right thing.

[slippinandsliddin]

Thanks all.

I have been sleeping in the baby's room the last few nights. He doesnt speak to me. All he said was he was sorry for making me mad ... which is how his appologies are- sorry for getting you upset- etc. Which I FEEL is really placing the blame on me/my emotions. So I said- you didnt make me mad- you hurt me very much- he said see you cant even take an apology- which is what he alwasy says. ANYHOW_ if he feels I deserved cheated on- then that shows me that he would just place the blame on me for any cheating he has done/will do. So now he sits all day/night with his gaming head set on- even while watching TV.

I am not telling him I am going. Just gonna get help from hopefully a family member- and take everything- and leave him a few dollars for those batteries.

Like I said- all family is outta state- and my insurance will not work there- unless an emergency- so I am worried about that/prenatal care.

Oh- he expects me to do things for him ... his business- which i am not- all he does is yell at me- and I do all the work- while he gets drunk and man ****** around ... and then I get to also drive the work GIANT truck home. (Cause he iis too drunk.) Dont think so... PLUS he says I never do anything for him or ruin everything that I DO do for him. So why even try anymore. I am feeling very depressed.

I would be much happier without him. However- I do feel guilty becuase I know he will make no effort to see our son. So I feel that by leaving I am taking our son from his dad. I so wanted him to have two parents ... but I also feel we are already alone. I try to think of something he has done for the two of us. A foot rub? Back rub? Make dinner/food? Carry something heavy for me? All I can think of is that he let me take his vehicle to my Dr appt- almost 3 miles away so I didnt have to walk again in these cold temps or when not feeling well. NAd he let me take his vehicle to get a few hand me downs for the baby. sad

[rubyinparadise]

I have never left a partner as abusive as yours is, but I have a girlfriend whose partner was VERY much like yours, and she did ultimately leave him. It took her a while, and by the time she left she was pregnant with his child.

She moved out of state and went back to her home state, where she still has family. She is doing JUST FINE, and enjoying her little boy, and figuring out her life. She works part-time and rents from a friend. I think that when her son gets old enough to be in school full-time she will go back to work full-time as well.

She is so much happier with that idiot out of her life. Absolutely no doubt about it.

[Ecologic]

Could you reconnect with your family and move next to them?

[melimeli]

if he is not abusive you should just be able to end the relationship.. if he is.. you can call a hotline they can come get you and give you a house to live in with your children.. (shelter) it is a real house you share with a few other women and children and then help you access resources for you and your baby... money should not be an issue they can help you\
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
they will come pick up you and your kids from any location.. and give you food and shelter help you get your own housing a job counseling.. whatever you need

LEAVE FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE

[blessedmomof3]

Ok, I had 2 kids 10 months and 2 years when I left my first husband. He was very abusive verbally and would not help w/ the kids at all. He refused to work or let me work because he wanted to live off of Welfare. The day I left I told him I had too many mouths to feed and if I was going to do it myself I had to eliminate some mouths starting w/ his. I have never regret this decision and I know my kids are better off for it. That was 13 years ago, My kids are very happy and well adjusted. It was just the 3 of us for 7 years and now I have a wonderful husband who is there for us all in every way! My kids are both Honor Role students and very well adjusted. They have CHOSEN not to have anything to do w/ their dad, which is sad, but it's because of the way he is. He has never changed. I know if I had stayed they would not be doing as well as they are. I say you need to think about you baby and what kind of life this would be for him if you stayed w/ someone like that.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Jenea'

[TreeFrog7]

So sorry you are having so much trouble - and during pregnancy yet! But you sound very level-headed, especially as you can and do identify your feelings (sad). It sounds as if your family has good reasons for disliking him - they'd dislike anyone who isn't good to you - and they can tell, even if you only give them good reports (not that I know what reports you give them, but families often hear good reports about absent spouses and yet 'sense' that things are not good).  As others have said, there's no better time than now to make the break, go back to your family for support, and start the legal stuff. Hopefully it won't be too complicated. Keep in touch!

Best wishes,
~Wendy

[slippinandsliddin]

meant to add

I can not get CS until the baby is born. Not sure if this is all the US or what???

[slippinandsliddin]

TO anyone that has left a partner:

Did they know you were leaving? (Did you tell them or did they just sense it?)

Did you fake like everything was ok?

Did you leave while they were at work? When?

Especially to anyone who left while they were pregnant ...

I ask becuase I don;t know the best way to handle it.


I left my ex in the middle of a domestic incident. (Behind closed doors.) The kids thought he was stomping- but it was his ftsts. NOT the ideal way to go- as he then sold all my personal stuff-/ changed the locks and sold my work related items (had his gf do it at her yard sale.) I tried to get legal aid to help me- but after months they couldnt as they ahd represented HIM in the past. So I paid a lawyer what I could- and he was HORRIBLE!! When we left/ran from my ex- we ended up staying in a women's shelter- and it was awful. (Screaming - cursing- bugs ... etc.) My sweet dd never complained- said sleeping on the bunk was like summer camp. :( But- lately a shelter  has been looking apealing to me.

Thank you soooo much. Feeling better now ... :)

[pertykitty]

well i say get out.  get to the courts now to get child support going and you might just end up with more money to help you than if you stay.  he is still a jerk, it isnt your hormones.  if you choose to stay, well i wish you the best.  you can be there for your partner all you want, it doesnt always make for a healthy environment for you and the kids though.  keep us updated.

[slippinandsliddin]

OOPs didnt see a few of the above posts-

No he is NOT my husband. gave me a ring- I was married a LONG time to a cheater- bad- bad situation- most of which I found out too late. I swore I would never get married again. I met him when I was just 16.

We live in the US- in the number one county for UNEMPLOYMENT- but HE does have a good paying job- but most of his money goes to his sports, gaming or his vehicles. He also has his own business- which I help him with- probably more than he does - he just does the "muscle" stuff.

I have a little bit of money coming in from little side things I do. So I really just want to give him the $10 and tell him it is for the batteries- which he ended up needing a few of that size- and I just wanted to "test" my things out.

No family here- I moved here for him. My family won't come here- as they hate him. Mostly becuase each trip I make to see MY family- he is suppose to come and bails at the last minute. (about a 10 hr drive.) However- he does pay for the transportation.

Thanks everyone. I am so hormonal and just feel like I need extra attention and NOT less attention or all this. Just sad.

Oh- I DO try and include him in Doctor visits- etc. nad I have tried to make him happy ... but I just can't and I don't want to be with him. I feel awful. Thanks for the help/input. I am not the perfect person and I don't always do or say the right thing- but I would definitely be there for my partner and child ...

[pertykitty]

you can leave and you should.  he is verbally abusive and quite honestly a poor excuse for a man.  i asked about what state because i know in cali you can get emergency funding to help out if you leave him.  find someone to go stay with and work on this pregnancy.  

life is too short to stay in a relationship where you are mistreated.  you sound so sweet and such a hard working woman, most men would be thrilled to have you!!
get strong by yourself for now.  if you lived near me id help you out, a shoulder, batteries lol.  you can do it!!!

[slippinandsliddin]

Thanks all. :)

I am sad.

I realize I don't want to be with him- this after he took a very personal thing I told him and he said I deserved it! I told him I didnt deserve to be talked to that way and he said I did as long as I was blaming him for XYZ ... and not saying sorry. (* see below) .  It was very hurtful. Imagine if you were raped or something and told your partner- only to have him later bring that up and say you deserved it ... and to be pregnant and have someone do that to you ...

I used to really love him and think the only thing I would ever leave him for is cheating- but I feel betrayed in the same way- after the comments about how I "deserved" it.

I wish I still wanted to be with him so the baby could have two parents- but I feel like he has had one all along. Just very sad. Thank you all ...

---------------------

(*) This was over him telling me the washer would be ready to use tomorrow after he put on a part- well I used it and it was NOT ready- and duh- he THEN told me he got the wrong part ... but never told me THAT until I had a mess to clean up. I had asked him to help me with the rug runner- old and nasty and very heavy wet- so I could throw it out. I ended up doing it myself.