Help - scared about the whole age thing

[bernie40]

Ok ladies bear with me here, I'm feeling very vulnerable and my heads in a mess and I'm hoping that someone can help me plough through this.

I found out I was expecting baby no 5 about a fortnight ago.  I've gone through the shock (baby wasn't planned) and then excitement but now I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, worry, am i doing the right thing etc etc.  I'm 40 now and my youngest child is 8.  My husband is 48.  I'm suddenly worrying about our ages, the fact that this child is going to have parents who are going to be 10, 15, 20 years older than the parents of their peers.

What are you thoughts, feelings etc on this.  With this being a forum specifically for "older" parents I'm hoping I can get honest feed-back.  Does anyone else worry about this???

[adgal]

DH and I will both be 41 (or very close to it) when this baby is born. He is our first.  I will admit I have thought about it from time to time, mostly worried I won't be around to see him grow up. However, as some of the others said, it is motivating both of us to take better care of ourselves and to do everything possible to be around as long as possible.  As for the rest of it, honestly, never gave it a second thought.  I am the product of very very young parents.  Although I love them very much, it was pretty tough at times. They weren't at a stable point in their lives or their marriage.  Not saying that is the case with all young parents, I have met lots (many on this site) that are fantastic!  Personally, I know I would not have been a good parent when I was young.  I have now reached a point in my life where I have more patience, am more stable financially and emotionally and I feel more prepared to become the kind of parent I want to be.  For us, waiting until we were older was a choice we made and I am still glad we did.  It was the right decision for us.  I think it's a very very personal decision. I do not believe anyone should be pressured into having kids before their ready, nor do I think anyone should be discouraged over age.  It's a number and it's not the most important thing.  Congrats on your pregnancy, and no worries, it will be fantastic!!!!

[Fugitive06]

I am 39 (DH, 42) working on #2.

I, too am a child of "older" parents.  I was an "oops", born when my Mom was 37 & Dad was 38.  Honestly I never thought of my parents as old (in comparison to other parents that is - all teenagers think their parents are OLD!)

A good friend of mine is the youngest of 9, born when her mother was in her 50's!!  I was at her house a lot as a teenager & we all thought her parents were awesome.  They were like mine, a lot more laid back.

I notice now, my daughter being 8 & starting sports & activities, that the younger parents seem to me to be a little bit TOO involved sometimes - especially in sports.  My parents never hung out at my practices & screamed at me during games (HINT: Screaming makes it harder for the kid to hear the coach!!).  They were supportive but not pushy & overbearing.

I hope to be as good as my folks were.  

[rubyinparadise]

P.S. How many of us had parents that were waaaaay too young when they started their families, and basically had no clue about how to parent??
One of the best moms I know had her first child at 18. So I'm not saying that being young will make you a clueless parent either! But I sure do feel about 1000x more likely to make a decent go of it now, compared to even 10 years ago.

[rubyinparadise]

My initial thought after reading your first post was, "You child will be in good company!" :) There are soooo many women these days who didn't get married until their 30's, didn't feel ready to start trying until their mid- to late-30's. Many of us are gathered here in this forum!  I really believe that the landscape is changing. It's just a hallmark of our generation that we chose to start our families later.

What I DO feel is a strong responsibility to maintain my health as best I can. I want to be strong and vibrant well into my later years, and I want my husband to do the same. For our own sake but also very much for the sake of our child. I'll be 39 when he's born and my husband will be 45. :)

[bernie40]

Thank you thank you thank you - I am so glad I posted this now.  I was feeling so guilty for even thinking what I was thinking that I nearly didn't write anything.  Reading all of your lovely responses has brought a tear to my eye (hormones, lol) and made me feel very warm inside.  It was also great to hear from ita who was a child of older parents.

Ecologic you are so right, I am going to make a huge effort to remain as fit and healthy as I can.  I've spurned exercise all my life but I do eat healthy and I don't drink.  I am determined that I will never smoke again.

I shall take a leaf out of each of your books :-)  

Thank you once again, what a fantastic bunch of ladies you are!  Congrats to those of you who are pregnant and lots of luck and wishes to those of you ttc.

:-)

[ita17]

I can relate to this question, very well.  My mom was almost 39 when she had me, OVER 40 years ago (WOW, still can't believe I am 40!!!)  I have to admit, that when I was young, I DID in fact feel that I had OLD parents LOL!  MOST of my friends parents were a good 10-15 years younger than mine.  I was the 4th child, my oldest brother was 16 when I was born  ( I was not planned!) & he drove my mom to the hospital to have me!  & tells me this story EVERY SINGLE YEAR on my birthday LOL
But, what I DID like, was that my parents were much more established than my friends parents, we had a big beautiful home, travelled a lot, had nice things (although, I was not spoiled)
I do feel sad that my dad is 81, & my mom is 79, they are super duper healthy & look GREAT for their age, but I think about how old they are almost every day, & wish that they were younger, just so they can be around for longer........although I know age is not a perfect indicator of how long one will live, it gives you a good idea.

So this is the funny part.........I told myself growing up that I would NEVER be an old mom!  & we have been ttc for the past 1+ years now!!!  LOL @ ME!  My youngest is 7, sometimes I think I'm nutzzzzzzz, but I can't deny the feelings I have for another baby (or two!) so for now, we keep ttc:)

I do think now a days it's so much more common for older parents to have children, for several reasons, so I don't think it's as big of a deal;o)

[melimeli]

I think it was more of an issue when we were younger now parents are much older than they were in the past.. it is not so different to see parents of all ages.. I am a second grade teacher and at conferences we have parents of alll ages..   The main thing I worry about is how they will feel when I am not around.. My parents are 70 and 72 and I feel like I am not ready to loose them... I don't know enough yet!  I call and ask them things everyday.. how can I live without them...  I think I hope they last for at least another 20 years!  or more!!  but I just think my baby will be younger when I am no longer around and I know that would suck for me  if I was in her shoes...

[sue68]

Hi Bernie40,

I'm 41 and pregnant with my first.  Dh and I talked about our ages and we're more concerned that we'll have only one child.  We both come from large families and were brought up being told that when our parents are gone - we will have each other.  So, we will be trying for another right after this one is born.  We have the energy so we're not worried about our ages.  Dh's brother was 46 when he had his first child 5 years ago.  Its not the age - its your attitude - you're only as young as you feel.  Take care of yourself so you'll enjoy years watching your children grow up and then you can see your grandchildren too.  You are fortunate that your baby will have older siblings to help out !

[Ecologic]

Yes I do worry about that. I am 41, my husband is 47 and we are expecting our first child. We tried for 4+ years before this pregnancy, and I would have preferred being pregnant when younger. Nevertheless I try not to think too much about this issue, my husband is very fit and exercises a lot - I on the other hand was at the limit of being overweight before the pregnancy and will have to make a serious effort to be fit once the baby is born.
Don't think about how other parents will judge you, personally that does not bother me! I just want to be healthy to care for my child for years to come.

[BabyBlue07]

I believe nothing wrong with older parents...  I am 39 years old and my husband is 53... I am close to 36 weeks pregnant and my youngest one is 16 years old...

The thing is how well you raise your child.. How old you are...The only thing I worry about what if I die before my child grow up... that's the only main concern but more than that.. I do not worry about anything... Having a child or additional child in the family is a bless from God.. Try not to worry too much about anything.. relax and enjoy this pregnancy...As long as you still have ability to take care a child.. then who cares what others say.... or what others think..

I am very happy to raise another child.... make you feel young and more energy...

Good luck to you

[Pum]

Truthfully I have thought about this but try not to dwell on it. We live much longer healthier lives these days. A couple of generations back 60 year olds were in slippers and taking it easy. Nowadays they are travelling, socialising, working etc.
In terms of the other parents, try not to worry. Now my son is at school I realise the other mothers will judge you for lots of things, age just being one of them, so s... them I think. And your kid will be embarassed by you being older but they would have been embarassed by something else anyway. It's the law. Parents are embarassing.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[tobbeyj]

Hey, I am not an older parent but I think this is a wonderful life that this child is going to have. Older siblings, great mentors, a large family to love and care for it an already caring parent (you momma) . I can't imagine a better situation. Sounds like this baby will have a wonderful life. Many women are getting preg at 40 now with older hubbys.  You are only as old as you make yourself out to be. Many ppl start their careers etc and decide to have children later in their lives. The best gift you can give yourself and your child is your health and love. If there are any things you think you are doing in your life that could age you any faster (smoking, drinking, not working out etc) now is the time to make sure you are taking care of yourself not only for this baby but for you and the rest of your family too. I think that we are only handed in life what we can handle. Someone out there thinks that you need another child and you will realize soon enough when you meet that precious angel that you could not have imagined your life without him/her. You may not have the same energy as you did with the other children (I dont know) but thats not what it takes to raise a baby. It takes love and as long as you have that - you dont have to coach teams, you can watch him/her play, you can volunteer for school activites within the school such as craft days and not strenious activites....and best of all (as a teacher I had many older parents) their older sibling were very involved with their lives too and they felt very special to have thier big bros and big sisters in my classroom helping out. I hope this helps you feel a little less stressed about the whole situation. You can do it!!  Take care and congrats again. HUgs!

[kristine625]

Hey there.  I'm 39 and going for baby number one right now.  Honestly that thought doesn't bother me at all.  It did cross my mind, but this was the right time for me to start a family so I figure if something feels so right, then it really won't bother me that so many other moms will probably be a lot younger.

Plus, once you get going with this little one I think you might be surprised at how many other moms are around your age.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!  Enjoy it :)