Help?

[jesserios]

I'm a man, age 40, who recently fell in love with a 29 year old woman, with ADD, depresion and anxiety issues. Were now pregnant and my driving need for connection and intamacy has just resulted in her reaching rage. I pushed all of her buttons trying to meet my needs selfishly, she became violent, I used harsh words in return, and now have lost my lifes love.

How can I survive being a guy, hang all my needs up to dry, and still be the usual me - I cook every meal, do all the dishes, clean 85% of everything daily, including my loves 9 year old son, babby sit him, help him with homework, read to him and tuck him in, all after a intensive day at work, and at the endf of the day or the begining , there is no time or interest on her part to be connected or for intamacy  -  I'm not talking sex, which isn't happening, just cuddeling, anything on that spectrum just annoys her and creates major conflict.

I have every desire to fix things and go get couinseling. I know I still will want more than she can give at this point,but there is also lots of stress surounding financel, her ex and no child support, moving, integrating families, etc... If I get a second chance, what should I do?

[adgal]

It's great that you care enough to be reaching out like this.  Your a good man.  There is never any excuse for abusive behaviour from anyone.  It sounds like counselling, or perhaps a medication adjustment (if she is on it) might be in order.  However, the other's are right...we pregnant women require a whole lot of patience.  I am pretty certain my husband could currently be nominated for Sainthood.  I haven't wanted to be touched through most of my pregnancy, and we typically have a fairly affectionate relationship.  We have raging hormones, quite often feel unattractive and moody.  He too does an awful lot for me, and I still complain.  The thing to remember is that pregnancy does not last forever.  Give her some time to calm down, then reach out to her.  You are the father of her child and unless there is more to this then you are writing, chances are she will come around.  Then it's just patience, patience and more patience.  It pays off though and trust me, she will appreciate it.  Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[Fugitive06]

Does she see a psychiatrist or a counselor?  Perhaps you can go together (with her current or a new one).  It would be a good step in helping you to understand one another.

I have depression, ADD & a little anxiety. My shrink wanted me to come off my Wellbutrin when I got pregnant in Sept.  Since the depression wasn't severe (situational) & had improved, I didn't miss it & didn't go back on when I miscarried in Oct.  The Adderall for my ADD, now THAT's a different story.  I did go off it but went right back on after the m/c.  I missed it terribly & struggled without it - turns out, the unmedicated ADD was a BIG contributor to my anxiety.

My husband has been right there beside me as I've gone through all the tough times.  He's a gem - just as you seem to be.  He listens, understands & doesn't just tell me everything will be alright because sometimes it just isn't & won't ever be but he'll always be there.  He allows me to feel & hurt & get angry BUT he also lets me know when my anger is misdirected or if it becomes inappropriate.  Her violence was inappropriate as were your harsh words.

Love is a give & take & it requires the acute understanding of each others needs.  She gives a little to meet yours as you give a little to meet hers.  Pregnancy is at least a little scary for everyone in one way or another.  I was 31 when I discovered my 1st, oops!  I was terrified!  I didn't think I was ready.  Well she's 8 now & still alive!!  Now, at almost 40 (in 14 days!) I'm trying for #2 & terrified in totally different ways.
#1 being, how am I going to survive pregnancy & breastfeeding with no Adderall!!!  Will I lose my job?

Try to work it out.  Tell her that you want to understand her needs as much as you want her to understand yours.  Just please keep in mind that she needs to bend too.  She needs to work & compromise, talk & share.  She needs to let you into her brain & tell you about her life with depression, ADD & anxiety.  It can be super scary to share these things but she has to & you have to understand them, learn what they are & what they do to her.  This will help immensely!!

Good Luck!!

[BabyBlue07]

You have to be patience... when a woman pregnant... her hormone changes and moody.. you have to understand she can't control all things happen....

sometimes a woman pregnant... she doesn't want to be touch.. some her sex drive peak... it's very depends but most of the time when she is in her first trimester.... no sex drive for her at all.... now you need to suppport her emotionally and mentally..

you can go to couple counseling or Therapist for help.. they can help both of you...

good luck to you...

[Victoria01]

Patience. Besides her other medical conditions, pregnancy hormones can take a huge toll on how a woman feels. Each woman is different and you need to remember that the pregnancy is only nine months out of a lifetime. Counseling is a good idea for the other issues, but it will not change her hormones.

I an not trying to excuse her as there is NO excuse for violence in any relationship, but your pushing is not going to help anything.

The first few months after I found out I was pregnant I HATED my husband touching me in any way and we have been married for almost 15 years! He was very supportive and let me come to him when I was ready. He understood that in the grand scheme of things, this wasn't going to last very long.

Is she taking meds for her ADD and depression? I know there are a few that are okay to take while pregnant, though she needs to speak to her doctor about it so she can get on the right ones.

Patience, space, love, and understanding, on both of your parts is what is going to get you through this. I know it doesn't seem fair at the moment, but it should be short lived. If you really want to work this out, try counseling and make sure she knows you are there for her. It sounds like you are taking on a lot, which can be commended. Most guys would just give up. Be there for her as much as you can and let her know how much you want to work things out. I really do hope it all works out for you.