Stress and Pregnancy - very worried/ need to vent

[rubyinparadise]

Hi all,

I've been going through a tremendous amount of stress in the past few weeks, and I am terribly worried about what this might be doing to my baby and my pregancy. I hope you don't mind if I vent a bit, and I would be very grateful for any words of encouragement.

My stress is all related to a house that I own and rent out. I live about 3000 miles away from my house and I have been managing the property remotely via a property manager who is also a friend and a tenant. (The house is a duplex, so he lives in one unit and rents out the other.)

This house was my own home for years. I worked my a** off in my career and purchased the place when I was 28. I extensively renovated it and poured my heart, soul, and paycheck into it for a decade.

I haven't been happy with my friend's management of the property because it seems like tenants have been moving out about once a year. I terminated our agreement with 60 days' notice and began to search for a new property manager.

Yesterday I received word from the new property manager that the unit has been trashed. She sent me an extensive list of repairs and photographs. I just sat down and cried. I was extremely upset for the rest of the afternoon, and I got into it over the phone with my friend/current prop. mgr. twice. We don't even know what he has done to his own unit yet, because they locked the new prop. mgr out of their part of the house and left town for the weekend.

I cannot evict them because of the tenant laws in place in Canada. (I agree with these laws, but they do heavily favor the tenant and not the owner.)

He has been lying to me and hiding things from me for years. I also discovered through mutual friends that he has developed a nasty drug habit. This is not the friend and tenant I once knew.

When I moved away, the house was newly renovated and absolutely gorgeous. It has been completely trashed. The tenants splashed purple paint in the bedrooms and all over the baseboards, they damaged windows, broke light fixtures, and on and on. They painted the kitchen forest green. (It was beige to go with the tumbled marble I had installed when I renoed it.) It is nothing that cannot be repaired, though DH and I do not yet know where we are going to pull the thousands of dollars to get it all fixed.

I am probably going to have to sell my precious home soon. I am broken-hearted about it. I thought I would keep this place for the rest of my life and pass it on to my child some day.

But, my priority is to remove myself, my husband and our unborn child from this toxic situation, so that is the decision I am coming to.

I didn't sleep last night. This has not been my first sleepless night over the house in the past few weeks, either. It started when the upstairs tenants gave their notice about 8 weeks ago. I had a very bad feeling about what was going on out there, that has turned out to be 100% accurate.

I am so terrified that I will end up somehow doing harm to the baby, ending up with a preterm birth or worse.

[teachnz]

all I can say is wow....I am praying for you honey.....please vent....and try to let go of some of the stress......having never been in that situation I am really at a loss for words over that situation, but I sympathize with stress......
honey, I will be praying for you.....for some peace......go out and hit a golf ball, or a pillow.....and let us know if there is any way to help other than words.....

[AliceW]

I know this isn't much practical help, but I went through something so incredibly similar this year with a house 2000 miles away from where I'm currently living and working. It did take a long time to resolve it, and I didn't like the resolution, and it broke my heart to give up my house, but when there are things we just can't hold onto, and as awful as it feels to let it go, I hope you can believe me that once you do let go, the relief of no longer having it weighing on you will leave you free to focus on what's much much more important for you right now--your baby, your husband. You might not get the exact same house again to pass along to your child, but there's still a giant world of possibilities out there for all of you, and you'll see a brand new chapter ahead. Really, really, truly.

I was helped through my own house situation by friends in the area who stepped in to handle the physical work, but a professional cleaning/moving service could have done the same; and it was very much worthwhile to invest in a lawyer to take on the legal issues--can you do that, put it in someone else's hands?

And in the meantime, venting here and beating the stuffing out of a pillow can't hurt at all.

[adgal]

I too went through something similar last year and we had to sell our rental property as well.  We are currently suing the property manager to recover our losses ($100,000).  If you have a formal contract with him, you can go after him if you wish as he did have a responsibility to be checking on the property on a regular basis.  You can also go after the tenants that did the damage.  (Our property was in Sask, I am assuming the laws are similar).  It took me awhile to "let go" as so much of our retirement plan was wrapped up in that house. It's the main reason I can no longer afford to be a stay at home mom. It's awful when something like this happens.  It helped me (and still does) to list the good things in my life. It's so easy to get so focused on a negative, we can forget (at least I did for a while) all the things we have to be happy about.  It's heartbreaking, no doubt about it.  But for me taking any action I could and then coming to the conclusion there was nothing more I could do and counting my blessings were all things that have helped.  Hang in there hon, and vent away here anytime you need too.  Getting it out can feel so good.  XOXO

[rubyinparadise]

Thank you so much ladies. I am sorry to hear that you have been through such similar situations because it really does S*CK!!! Our place is in Ontario but yeah, I'm guessing the laws are similar.

We are so incredibly blessed to have a new property management company who has agreed to oversee all the repairs for a monthly fee. They are all business and I am confident they will be very efficient. They will also be able to hook us up with a real estate agent. We just have yet to find the right accountant and lawyer.

I am trying to remain optimistic and see the big-picture, and YES, I am looking forward to having the whole thing behind me even if that means that we have to sell. It's just a house. DH and baby are more important to me. I just really hope we get a good sale price. We deserve some fairness SOMEWHERE in this situation.

Once I am done being angry and sad I know I will switch into super-pragmatic mode and do whatever it takes to get the situation resolved. I may need to come here to vent some more. I could go on and on about what a complete A**HOLE my tenant/prop. manager is being, but I will skip it. The things he said to me yesterday.... unbelievable. I know some of it is the drugs talking. He has just turned into a completely useless piece of toast. It's so sad. When I knew him, he was a promising young Ph.D candidate with a career in academia ahead of him.

But, I am done feeling sorry for him.

[slippinandsliddin]

Sorry you are going through this.

I am not sure what your rental agrrement is with the drug addict- but can't you get him evicted if you can prove tehy are doing illegal activity at the home? I donno?

A few yrs back- I almost rented a place that was perfect in every way- except the rental agreement stated I would not do anything immoral or allow anyone else to do anything immoral on the property. Well- I was newly seperated at the time- and my one parent was all the help I had and they liked to have a beer once in awhile- so i didn't want to sign the agreement. I was never sure what their view of IMMORAL could be? (It could have been DIVORCE???) THis was in the States ...  (Bible Belt.) Oh- and I had loads of people tell me flat out they would not rent to me because I WAS seperated (or the place was miraculously rented- as I WAS truthful wth them.)

Anyhow- thats what made me think you might be able to evict?? I hope things get better! :)

[rubyinparadise]

Hi slippin,

The laws in Canada are very strict about formal eviction. I can't even evict them if I put the house on the market. They get to stay and wait for the new owners to do it.

So, I am trying the approach of talking them into leaving in 60 days. I have offered to prorate their rent and pay for their movers(!!!).

Of course, if they dig their heels in, all bets are off and I will work around them.

I am done feeling like a victim in this situation. Yesterday afternoon I had a full-blown anxiety attack. Haven't had one of those in years, but I can't be on anxiety meds while I am pregnant and I haven't needed them til now.

It actually had the effect of making me very angry after it was over. I am so angry that any person or situation could get to me to the point where I could endanger my health and pregnancy that way.

My husband and I devised a plan and even if it takes time, I KNOW it will eventually come together. I just have to assume that this tenant will NOT cooperate with me at all, and that I will therefore have to work around him. And, if he makes one false move I can begin formal eviction proceedings. But I am hoping he takes my very generous offer instead. I should know in a couple of days.

Anyway, just wanted to say THANKS, I appreciate the words of encouragement and the prayers. Thanks for listening.

[Pum]

Sorry to hear about your anxiety attack. They are awful I know and for me they usually aren't in isolation so try to do your usual self calming things. Exercise and being with friends are the best things for me.

I was a landlord once (we rented out our house for a few years before we moved in) and even though the tenants were our friends it was enough of an experience that I decided I was not cut out to be one. I felt the responsibility very keenly and hated the imbalance it created in the relationship. My money's in the bank now.

Take care of yourself and your little one. Growing a life is a big job.

[adgal]

Your sure right about eviction laws in Canada being strict.  It's even harder in winter, especially if there are children involved.  I work with a lot of landlords at work and speak fairly regularly with the Residential Tenancy Mediation Board.  I had to call about another situation today, but I asked them about your situation. It might be different in Ontario, but here in Alberta if the tenants have done extensive damages (and sounds like yours did) you can start eviction proceedings.  They were a bit vague about how you go around proving it, but I thought that knowing that might be a bit of a starting point?  Have you tried calling the Board for Ontario?  I mean, it's tough to get them out I know, but they can't just trash your house, and it sounds like that's what has happened.  

[rubyinparadise]

Thanks again ladies,

Wow, so many of us have been through crapola with tenants. Ya know, when I lived in one unit and rented out the other (i.e. I was on site), I never, ever had an issue! I guess my presence there and my responsiveness kept tenants from acting like jerks. I got compliments on being a good landlord and prided myself on it.

I just hoped it would continue in the same vein, having a friend there in my place, but was I ever wrong.

So some GREAT news. The tenants have given me a verbal agreement that they will vacate on their own accord. In the next day or so I will get it in writing on the official Landlord and Tenant Board form, along with an exact date.

He even apologized for being a selfish jerk to me on the phone the other night (his words).

Talk is cheap, I am all about actions now with this guy, but I am feeling great about this development. I am sooooo looking forward to having him out.

I am bracing myself for the worst once we see what he's done to his own apartment. Better to be prepared than to have another meltdown. :P

[rubyinparadise]

P.S. Amanda, I keep thinking about your suit against your prop. manager and I think I will definitely sue this guy if he gives me so much as a bit of cause. I also won't hesitate to press criminal charges if he takes anything of mine with him when he goes. Sad for a friendship to come to this.