I am new here and wanted to share my story and ask some advice. I am 47, for the last 15 years I have been looking after my father who suffered several strokes. He died this past May. I had a long time to deal with his passing and I am coping well with what happened. I wanted to get married and have children like most women, but with things being what they were, I just never had a chance. Now, I am free to start a new life, I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want, but all I can think of is how I missed out on being a mum. I want to have a child very badly. Perhaps because of the way things were, I never really let myself think about it because felt I would just fall apart if I started to think about children. I know I will be an exceptional mother, I am highly intelligent, caring, have my own home and a loving extended family, okay, sperm is missing but I'll find some kind soul who will want to help me. I want to really try to have a baby.
Anyway, that's the background, here is my physical obstacles. I am some 40 kilos overweight, but it will be gone in four months, see the gym trainer tomorrow. I have high blood pressure and slightly enlarged heart (normal range), but I've been told that both are because of the pressure I have put on my body from my weight and the one time I lost 15 kilos, the hbp dropped, I almost came of meds. I am on hbp meds but I know that in four months with the weight gone, so will the meds be gone. I also went on antidepressants after dad died because I became anxious and depressed. I was quite lost for three months, after 15 years of dad being my life, I didn't know what to do or how to feel, it freaked me out, but I am fine now, so I think that I will be off those in the next three months. I'm also seeing a great naturopath-doctor, my energy levels are up, I'm feeling strong and happy.
So, someone tell me, am I nuts to want to have a baby at 47? I could be taking it easy, travel, go to classes, but I don't know those seem empty compared to being a mum. I helped raise my sister's two children, I know what's involved and how hard it is, but I really think I am up to it and even if I wasn't 100% up for it, I don't think I am up for never being a mum and living a lonely life...lol, the local old crazy cat woman.
In August, I'm going to travel overseas, where I will go for IVF, and as far as anyone need know when I get back, I got strong genes and had a wild time...oops! I can feel it in my bones, I am doing the right thing, but God, I'd love to hear someone say it, its a life changing experience, scared to death.
"Sorry" but You need to think about the child's life. He/she will be a teenager and be caring for their mother instead of having the life other children his/her age have. It is sad that You have not been able to have children before now however when Your child is 13 and just hitting their teenage life You will be 60,
I have a younger sister, she got married, had children in her thirties, did it the right way, only her partner turned out over time to be an alcoholic and abusive. She left him eventually, but what followed was a number of years of depression for her, she's fine and in a great relationship now. Guess who raised the kids while my younger sister and her partner couldn't, yep, this oldie, infact, I raised her two children and supported my parents by myself. I promise you, turning 50 and 60 does not mean the world has come to an end. I don't feel any different than what I did when I was 30. My family longevity pattern is that most of them have lived into their late 90s. We are a strong bunch...farming stock.
I have sat in on dancing classes for my niece, soccer meets for my nephew and the worst parents were the younger ones. They tended to be the vulgar ones, the bitchy women who would go out on the night getting drunk and acting like fools, clicky groups, bad marriages, etc, had a few divorcing couples take out their hatred towards each other while at their kids matches or screaming obsenities while on the football field. I felt so embarrassed for them that I would stay away and then I noticed that there were a few older mothers and fathers who would do the same. The second promise I make you is that youth is no guarrantee of wisdom or ability, I am now, in my old, ready to drop of age, lol can't help teasing you a little, what those young women can only hope to be one day. Oddly, I don't have a lot of confidence in myself for a lot of things, but mothering is not one of them.
I do not believe "age" is a factor in parenting, in fact most grandparents do a better job at raising their grandchildren than some parents.
However My point is that I think as long as You have considered the impact on the child while he/she is older than either way it is going to come down to your decision.
As well as taking your own health into account and the health risks that come with being an older mum
I have thought long and hard about the child's life which is why I am trying to get pregnant at such a late age and with little chances. If I didn't care, I would have done what many other younger women do and that is, pop them out no matter what.
Secondly, I don't intend nor do I expect to fall apart when I reach 60 or 70 for that matter. Most women don't fall apart at that age, perhaps 80 and 90, but most women at those ages are fit and well, perhaps a little slower, but still going fine. I think you have a very strange view of people's capability and physical strengths across age span. If you agree that grandparents do a fine job at 60, that they haven't collapsed, then it seems faulty to then suggest that older mothers or fathers, will collapse and have to be looked after by their kids. If however, I did collapse, I have extended family members who would take over, I would never put my child in that position. Basically, I would ask you the same thing, if you collapsed while your kids were in their teens what would you do, because life holds no guarrantees for either of us. Whatever you would do, I am probably going to be doing the same.
I've read some of your posts to other people, cause I wanted to see what type of person you are. I get the feeling you have a very rigid view of the world and how things should be. You have a tendency of writing your opinions as if they are facts. I want to remind you that you are at a very tender age, with a lot of options in your life right now, when you get older and your options start running out and when you have lived a little more and have experienced loss and heartache many times over, then you can talk as if your opinion is fact, until then, it can come across to those of us who have been through it all as judgemental and callous. Sometimes, compassion and understanding is more important than telling people how you think it ought to be, what is morally right in your opinion. Think of it also as a lesson in mothering, cause nothing is going to separate you from your children faster than a mother who 'tells it how it is', instead of a compassionate mother.
Hi there!! Sorry it took me so long to respond...I am typically here daily, but with the holidays and some other personal issues have been away for a bit.
First off, you are most certainly not crazy!! When to have a baby is a very personal choice and there is certainly no wrong answer. I am an older first time mom. I had my son at 41. I know other women on these boards who chose to have their children much older then I. And btw, I fully intend to have another! There are so many benefits. I have far more patience then I did in my 20's. I know wonderful mom's in their 20's so my point isn't that being older makes a better mom, just for me, I am. As for the poster who claims you are not thinking about the babies' well being over time? Hog wash. If anything, having my son at an older age makes me far more health conscious. Children are orphaned by parents at every age...things happen. We do the best we can and raise them well, and at any age should be ensuring that there is someone who can step in if that unfortunate need arose.
Let's address health risks. The only extra risk we incur is having a baby with chromonsal abnormality. Not everyone considers that a scary risk. And even to moms older, the odds are still well in our favor.
There are some realities to be aware of. Unfortunately conceiving naturally at 47 is not overly common. It certainly happens, but often women who have babies in mid to late 40's require a little extra help. There is also a higher then average risk of first trimester miscarriage. Many women opt to do IVF with donor eggs (I am currently beginning to explore this myself...my son was naturally conceived). If you are truly serious, my best advice to you would be to seek the counsel of an RE.
Good luck to you! You know, there are those who feel they have the right to be negative towards our choices no matter what the situation. Bottom line...your body, your life and your choice. If this is what you want, go for it!!!
Oh and btw...most of our regular members you will find to be very very supportive. There are so many of us here who have had our share of ups and downs in our quest to have a baby. I myself have had some tough times, but received an incredible amount of support. I honestly credit this board and the women here in keeping me positive and in helping me not give up. It wasn't easy, but I am so grateful. I am about to celebrate my son's first birthday, and I couldn't have done it without these ladies. So I hope you are not chased away by one posters negative reaction. Stick around!! Amanda
Adgal, very well put! No disrepect to ProudMumtoBe. However, when I read the reply I was a little offended. We have no right to be so critical to anyone here. We are all here for the same thing regardless to our age or anything else. AdamTA. I wish you all the blessings in the world in your quest I'm sure you will be a GREAT mother!
Thank you. You know, it is all about opinion, and certainly everyone is entitled to theirs. I guess I just feel strongly that there is no real or wrong time to have a baby.
When I was in my 20's i would not have been a good mom. As i said, lot's are, I just would not have been. I also did not meet the man I married until my mid 30's. I wanted to make sure that the person I chose to have children with was the right person. I just did not have the level of maturity required to make a decision like that or to be a patient and dedicated mom when I was young. In the original posters comments, she states that she was caring for her sick parents. So for her it also was not the right time until now.
I have seen children that were neglected and abused from mothers of every age. I have also seen the flip side..children that were nurtured, loved and cherished from mothers of all age. In my mind it is far more selfish to have a child you are not prepared for at any age. There are always negatives to be found...but all we can do is the best we can do and love those babies. There is no age limit on that.
This debate has come up in this forum before, and no doubt it will again. Open and honest dialogue is important and part of what this forum is about. However, its important that we keep it respectful, and to remember that unless we are walking in some one's shoes we can never truly know the whole big picture. We have to make the choices best for us and most importantly best for those lives we are bringing into the world.
OMG! The specialist in Greece replied to my email. He thinks he can help me and wants to know more about my situation! I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I keep telling myself I've got six months till the point of no return. It's like I got two brains in my head at the moment, one part is going, don't do this, enjoy the peace and no responsibility, watch anything you want, no care in the world, no more having to take care of anyone, I'm just clucky, hormonal. Then there is another brain that is going, omg, I'm going to be a mummy, I'm going to be a mummy. And I know this is crazy, but I have had, for the longest time this intuition, a feeling that I am meant to have children...that's where my username comes from, Adam, Thomas and Anastasia are the names I have chosen for years now. I don't intend on having triplets!, one will do, but those are the names I have picked out.
I must be crazy, maybe I am having some kind of hormonal thing, the body is getting close to its reproductive end and its throwing out, have babies messages. EEEeeekkk! Breath, breath, everything is okay. lol.
I just wanted to say good luck and wish you all the best. 47 is not too old to become a mother. We all have been young and thought we were so mature and new everything, but as we get older and wiser we look back and see how we weren't as smart as we thought we were. I think the wisdom we gain throught the years help make us better as parents, and I am saying this as someone who had a child at 19 and is now trying for #2 at age 37. I hope everything works out for you!!!
Do you plan on using an egg donor? I am just wondering. At 47, I would think there's only a small chance of you being able to use your own eggs. Have you been to a reproductive endocrinologist and had blood work done, etc? What specialist in Greece are you going to? Just curious.
You go girl! I had my first at 22, and with G-d's help I will be 45 with # 4. no one knows you but you!my mom had me and my brother at 18 and 19, then had our little bro when I was 19 and my bro was 20. Yeah he's a brat but she's a great mom to him!
Sending beautiful baby vibes to you!
The biggest problem with proudmom's post is that she is 22! We have to remember that when we were 22, 60 sounded absolutely ancient! And 70.... well forget it.... you have one foot in the grave already! Almost have to look at it as kind of cute. Anyway forgetting all that, AdamThomas.... i wish you so much luck in this and I'm sure you would be a wonderful mother. The like experiences that we have all had at our (OLD) age would just have such a positive impact on being a parent that someone in their 20's would not have. Both mothering age groups are just so different. Quick story... I have a brother that is 10 years younger than me and had a child really young and his girlfriend was 19 when she got pregnant. Well I have had (and had to have) such a big impact in my neices life! My brother and her mother (of course they split up when she was 2) have been and remained so immature... a couple of years ago, my neice while staying with me said "I love staying with you and wish I could live with you" I asked her why and she stated very simply "because I feel safe here". Made me cry, but the point is... one of the things (which is incredibly important) that we can offer as older parents is stability! So many children lack the good old fashioned feeling of routine and stability. I could go on and on about the benefits of older parents... but I don't think I need to clarify all of that with you ladies... because you already know.
God Bless AdamThomas and I hope you have a very safe journey to conception! You stated you were going oversees for IVF, can you expand upon that?? I don't have insurance here that covers Fertility Treatment and would be open to other alternatives.
SO WELL SAID! That's exactly what I was thinking. She is just 22 and I remember how OLD was OLD..We are so different today. 40 is the new 20...lol We old ladies make great mothers!
AdamThomas: You are going to be a great mother..age is not a factor. Love is a factor and I am sure you are full of LOVE! G-D bless you on your journey called fertility! Its a hard journey but you will get there, just like the rest of Us!
I personally wish you the best of luck! There are women many yrs younger than us that have issues that restrict their ability to parent. Anyone who wants to be a mom as bad as you, will do well, regardless of age when the child is a teenager. Compassion is a huge part of being a mom & i hope proudmum2b will learn some Before she raises compassionateless children. BEST WISHES!
You are definitely not too old! Women were created to be able to reproduce all the way until menopause! Some women choose to start early and be finished long before menopause. That's great. Good for them. But for some of us, life's circumstances have not allowed us to start to try until a little later. You will be an absolutely wonderful mum! I will be praying for you for success in your journey of TTC!
I hope it can work with your own eggs! But if not, there is always donor eggs. My belief, though, is that you should try as hard and as long with your own eggs as you want. There is always plenty of time to do donor eggs! Heck, I saw this show on TLC or something where women in their 60's were having babies! Now THAT might be a wee bit old to have a baby, but I also am wise enough now to know that it is not my place to judge!
It's great that you are going to see a specialist. They will be able to ascertain quickly your ovarian reserve and whether you will respond well to stimulation. I know this will happen for you by one way or another. You will be a mum! And a great one at that! Best of luck to you! Please keep us posted! We are all here for you! SSBD!
There is always something to be cynical about. I volunteer teaching financial education classes to young unwed mothers. Most of them are 21 years old, never graduated high school, don't have a job, are on welfare - and planned all their kids!
What's more irresponsible I ask - the 47 year old who is educated, self supporting, and can provide a wonderful home - or the 21 year old who thinks a baby will make all their problems go away, while they are living in the projects ( this particular one has 1 stabbing a month) and goes to the food pantry to eat? Trust me, there are plenty of arguments on both sides of the fence.
ATA - I think you should go for it, but don't waste time. Do you NEED to wait until August?
Donor Egg issue: We are all educated and understand that the older we get, the less likely it is our own eggs will cooperate. I tell you this because I think you need to decide how badly you want a baby, as compared to your biological baby. A baby with a donor egg has a 50% or over chance of success (taking a baby home) while your own wont be as high. I am only saying this because I think you should ask yourself these questions now, so you can do your research. If you know you want your own genes, I would try IVF with that goal in mind. If you are O.K. with donor egg, maybe then you would give yourself a cut off - i.e, when I hit 48, I will go forward with a donor.
All in all, the important thing is that you have made up your mind. Now that you have done that, nothing should stop you! Best of luck and super strong baby dust to you!!
I am 46 and just found this forum while looking for support and encouragement because all my HPT (Home Pregnancy Tests) have been BFN till now (15dp 2dt hpt bfn). If this cycle of IVF fails, and it looks like it might, I am prepared to try again.
I was glad to see someone else around my age here. I too feel no older than I felt twenty years ago. I used donor eggs and I have read everywhere, with Donor Eggs the chances of success are almost the same no matter what our age. It's the age of the eggs that matter, not the age of the uterus.
Before the Embryo transfer (3 embryos. Day 2, 4 cell embryos) I exercised and detoxed - ate very well, minimized sugar and caffeine, ate a lot of fruit. Just the thought of wanting to be a mother filled me with positive energy, just like it is doing to you. Do share your experience here. My best wishes.
We are living longer healthier lives. In my great grandparents' day women died in childbirth often, or when their children were very young. We have much much more chance of seeing our children grow to adulthood than back then. Ok we probably won't see grandchildren but you can't have everything.
Take care and good luck with your parenthood plans.
Just wanted to remind everyone not to "hate on" young mothers :-). I am 25 and have 2 little ones, and I consider myself to be adequate (I won't be vain and say I'm perfect; I'm not). There are times I wish that we had waited, but at the same time, I don't think age is the determining factor in parenting ability, although certainly I am more patient with my second than I was with my first in less than 2 years.
But at any rate, I don't often post here (once in a blue moon when a kidney or medication-related question pops up) but I wanted to remind everyone...you don't like being judged for your age, so make sure you're not doing some judging in reverse! :-).
To AdamThomasAnastasia: go for it, darlin. You're young, you're getting healthy...no one can say you would be a bad mom based on your age, and if it's what you want...then you should definitely go for it.
Hi Ivy!! Thanks for dropping in. And thank you for the reminder. I hope I didn`t come across that way as that was not my intent. For me, my frustration comes from hearing comments like one of the posters made that it is irresponsible for me to be having children in my 40`s. There are many young women who are excellent mothers (such as yourself, don`t be so humble girl!), I just would not have been one of them, and I knew it. So to me, it would have been far more irresponsible to have a child before I was ready.
Age is not the defining factor in what makes a good mom. Maturity is iimportant, however as we all well know, that does not necessarily go hand in hand with age. I think what is coming out here is frustration as this kind of negativity is something we often hear. And sadly, most of it is misguided. Bottom line is that every child being brought into this world should be done so with much thought ahead of time. And every person is different. I have met women much younger then myself who are wonderful parents, and I have met women my age who just shouldn`t be allowed to reproduce. But to judge based solely on age is wrong...and rather ignorant.
I completely understand I just wanted to remind everyone in what is (and should be!) a very emotionally-charged topic.
I also agree with everything you've said in your first paragraph. I, too, have heard comments like "she's too old to be having a baby!" but then...remember...there are plenty of people who say "she's too young to have a baby!".
Either way, you know I agree with you and I just wanted to leave a gentle reminder because my feelings were a little hurt (not by you, you've never hurt my feelings Amanda, LOL). I realize this is not my forum so dropping in was a little rude, but just because one young poster has a rude opinion about age and pregnancy doesn't mean we all deserve to be lumped!
Hmm. I'm late to the party, but it looks like our ProudMumToBe has left the building. Ash, I know you understand that people were reacting to her judgemental and negative comments about older mothers. I think they were just saying that she is young, and when you are young, you view old people in a different category than you would later on.
I know when I was 22, 50 was just about dead. Blue hair and a cane. (ironic that I might be ready for the cane, eh?)
ProudMum, if you are still reading this, lighten up and try not to look at age as the determining factor in proper parenting. As Ashelen said, we certainly are not saying that 22 is too young to parent, so don't put older parents down.
I am 50. If I could get another bundle delivered from my birth canal I would be simply happy. I would not bat an eye at the dream, go for it. Older mums are better prepared to do child rearing the correct way. I have nine my youngest is 6years old. Some were supportive, some were jealous, some were mean but not one have asked to care for children or give a helping hand. I am educated and self supporting. I would do again in a heart beat.
I'm a little late on this too but I just don't understand why a 22 yr old would come on the 35+ site and criticize someone. Everyone here is always so supportive and encouraging as it should be. That is why we are here. No one that young can even begin to understand. Most young women TTC do nothing before they get pregnant and certainly do not research everything to death like we do. We know our odds and they aren't really much worse than a younger woman. If you can still get pregnant, why not if you really want it. I feel no different now at 41 then I did with my 1st child at 32. I am healthy and active and always have been. There is no way as a 22 yr old, I could have been as dedicated to my child as I can be now. I'm sure that's not the case with every 22 year old but like I said, we are here to support and encourage. If you don't want to do that, don't come here and criticize. I applaud all of you wonderful ladies for having the courage to do what you're doing. I wish you all lots of SSBD!
Ouch. OK guess I'm not welcome here either...wow. And I do research, actually, so I think that just like her saying people over 40 shouldn't have kids, saying that people UNDER 40 don't research or parent well is quite cruel. I only stop by this forum occasionally because I am friends with so many of the ladies here and I like to be able to offer advice if someone has a problem that I have experience with (tearing during delivery, kidney stones, pain management, etc)...and I never felt unwelcome before...I've always defended the rights of women that other people consider "older" to have children and it kinda hurts that people who don't want to be judged by their age do the exact same in reverse :-(.
Honey, no one is saying that 20 somethings shouldn't have babies. Most of the women here did have their first children in their 20's. What they are saying is that this young women had no right to come on here where the vast majority are over 35 and either trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, and say the things she did. Please don't take it personally, it's not about you or any women in her 20's having babies. It is about this specific individual. And many, such as me, are saying that THEY wouldn't have done well in their 20's. Not that you don't. You can't take this personally, it has nothing to do with young women such as yourself being mothers. No need at all to be defensive. Your a great mom and that's great! You are welcome here.
I say go for it! You will be an amazing Mom! Age does NOT matter. There are plenty of women that are probably doing the same thing right now and not even putting this much thought into it. I think if you want to have a baby, it is a miracle in itself, and you should be able to have it without being judged. Don't let negative comments stop you. Follow your dreams!!! Much luck to you!!
My parents are 20 yrs apart. My dad had me at age 50. I am now 28. That being said, my dad is the best dad anyone could ask for. Everyone was concerned about the age thing and my mom being 20 yrs younger is the one who fell I'll and he was taking care of her. You do not know where life can take you. Doesn't mean because your younger that you are healthier and more fit to take care of a child. It was quite the opposite for me. I say do it. Just make sure you have a good support network. My concern is not your age but the demands of a single parent. Best of luck!
If you will reread my comment, I in no way said someone in their 20's wasn't welcome or should not have kids. I said that as older ladies, we do our research on getting pregnant and risks of doing so at a later age because of our age and the common thinking that there are huge risks, so we know that we can do it and we know our risks and we share our knowledge to those who have questions as AdamThomasAnastasia did . I wasn't speaking to 20 year olds in general, just someone 22 coming on the 35+ site and criticizing us for talking about the topics that this site covers, having kids over 35. I have friends on MedHelp who are under 30 TTC and I encourage and support their decisions as I would anyone seeking help or advice. ProudMumToBe criticized her for "not thinking of the child's life" and that is what I found upsetting. I certainly don't think, nor did I say, that women in their 20's shouldn't have children. We are here to encourage and support and that is the point I am trying to make, not to put down anyone, and I certainly have no problem with you. I'm glad you are on our site to help others and I am thankful so many wonderful women have been here for me.
You are not too old at all, i am pregnant with my first at 32, some people have made comments like oh why didn't you want kids when you were in your 20's but i wanted to travel and see the world and build a career and enjoy being with my husband just me and him for a while, personally i was probably a bit too selfish to have been a good mum in my 20's but now i'm a bit older i feel totally ready and settled in my life and ready to devote my time to my baby.
i don't see why anyone should judge people for whatever age they choose to start a family. My mum had my older brother when she was 22 and me when she was 26 and she always said to me see the world and enjoy yourself before settling down. She actually went on to have my younger brothers when she was nearly 40 and she said she felt she was a better mother 2nd time around as she had more patience and more time to spend with them bringing them up as she was more setttled in her personal life with my stepdad.
I wish you every success in having a baby, i think you deserve some happiness as you have spent so much time devoting your life caring for your dad, i work on a stroke ward at a hospital and can appreciate how difficult it must have been caring for your dad after he suffered several strokes.
There are some fantastic women on here who have had babies or are trying for a baby in their 40's so i'm sure they will all be supportive and able to offer some advice
We all need to understand Its not about to be "too old to be a mom"...! its all the mentally, financial responsabilities a child come with it. ( natural or adopted)
Please first of all get your life together, go to the gym and enjoy day by day ...no rush! remember extreme diets and excess of exercise all the sudden can not be good for your heart... 40pounds can take up to 2 years to get them off properly. its good to talk to a trainer but you need to go to a nutritionist and
Visit a doctor to keep checking on your health, do stuff that you didnt do before because you were taking care of your father talk to your family about it , friends and even maybe dating will be cool for you and don't worry about being the cat lady i have 8 cats myself ...lol and they are my babies)
You need to be happy with yourself and then start planing for the future once you feel you have mostly everything under control & happy with your life & then will be great to have a child.
I am 42y/o and finally pregnant after ttc for 2 years, and then now i am fine but i have to leave work at 24 weeks pregnant because the baby is big and i can not move much because of the weigh on my body, thank god my mom is with my now and of course my husband and they do everything for me.
I never though I will have to be resting so much when i have been a very healthy person.
Prepare yourself mentally and financially , once you are pregnant they will be a lot visits to the doctors for blood test and genetic test that i was not aware of because i am older than 35y/o.
This forum is great a lot of nice people ( adgal, tiger) I was going out of my mind with all the test about syndrome of down or trisomy 13_18 , about being hi risk for my age and they helped me and finally i am enjoying my pregnancy.
Everything is possible but think first in your personal health, financial and all the responsabilities a child come with it ( natural or adopted child).
Meanwhile...Enjoy your nephews and niece , spend time with them , invite them to sleep overnight and experience a child in your care...
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