Am I crazy for wanting another child

[darfry40]

I am 40 years old (will be 41 in a couple months). I have 4 great children already that I thank God for everyday. My husband and I was not planning on having anymore children and he had a vesectomy 5 years ago. In the beginning of Dec. 09 we found out that I was pregnant... though we were very shocked at first we quickly became very excited. On Jan 11th I started spotting, my Dr. had me go in for a scan and we found that our little one had stopped growing at 7 1/2 weeks and there was no heartbeat,,, I should of been 10 weeks. As I sat there in the Dr. office crying my husband wrapped his arms around me and said we can try again. Later that evening I started cramping and bleeding, we went to the emergency room where I ended up having my misscarriage. My husband was not prepared at all for what he seen, I remember looking at him and seeing the tears run down his face. The next day I had a D&C and he stayed by my side the entire time. Last Friday I went back to my OB for a checkup she said everything was great. She told me I was perfectly healthy enough to carry a child, which my husband thought was good news. We went out to dinner that night and talked about it... he then told me he didnt know if it was a good idea to try again because he didnt want to see me go through that again.  He was so excited about having this baby, he had talked about coaching football again if it was a boy like he did with our older sons. Part of him wants to try again but is scared. I want to try again also but at the same time I wonder if its just the loss of this baby that is making me feel this way although I had talked about having another baby before we ever got pregnant in the fisrt place but just thought it would never happen!  I also think about the ages of our other children (21, 19, 15 and 14) and if I should just be thankful I have them and leave well enough alone. Any opinions are welcome cuz I am totally lost and confused! Thanks

[darfry40]

Thank you for your stories, and congratulations I am so happy for the both of you!  :)
I love reading stories like yours.
My husband and I talked a little the other night and he feels the same as me. We are just gonna let things be as they were before I got pregnant this last time. We surely weren't trying because we didn't think it could happen anyhow, and if we get pregnant again then that will be awesome and meant to be, but if we don't then we will be happy with our family as it is.
Thanks for your support and I hope you both have healthy happy pregnancies! Keep me posted!
Best wishes,
Darla

[NZmum3]

Hi there darfry.I was in the same situation as yourself last year.
I had two miscarriages and really thought my body was telling me it wasn't going to happen.
Well the good news is we didn't give up hope. I'm just over 9weeks pregnant now and so far so good but still taking each day as it comes.
I have a 25yrs old,who has two wee girls.A 21yrs old who has a 4 month old baby and a 14yrs old son who lives at home with us.
My kids think it's just great that I'm pregnant again and I know it's going to be hard on me having another baby at my age 44 nearly 45yrs but it's meant to be I feel.
I'm so sorry to hear that you have been through a miscarriage as well.
And very sad for your husband and family.
Take care and keep us posted.
Lots of Aroha (love in Maori) Erina :) :)

[slmcgaughey]

What you are feeling is completely normal, all the wanting and doubts are totally what I felt myself.  I am not over 40. However, I am close. I just turned 38.  When my second husband was an infant, because of certain medical problems, his parents were told that he would never father children of his own. I am sure you can relate to our surprise when after five years of marriage we found we were pregnant.  At the time, we were planning my oldest sons graduation.  I have three boys from a previous marriage.  DH was over the moon!!  for a whole eight weeks.   Then I started bleeding and we were told there was no heartbeat.   I had a D and C that friday.  After the loss, hubby refused to even say the word baby, or try again.  I knew I wanted to get pregnant again right away. I wanted to be pregnant on my original due date, and to ice the cake my sister was due the same day I was. I think that DH was so devistated by the loss, it was easier for him to just ignore it all.  He was probably more hurt than even I was. When I would try to talk to him about trying again, his answer was " do what you need to, but i don't want to know anything about it."  It was really a hard time.  However,  four months later I did get pregnant again.  We are now 23 weeks with a little boy. DH is once again over the moon.  He even sends Braedon (the baby) text messages and insists I put the phone on my belly so he can talk to him when he is out of town.

I think that sometimes we forget (not saying you did) that when there is a miscarriage, the dad's have lost a baby too, and that they grieve just as much as we do.  They just do it more internally.  Whether you try again or not, is a personal choice for you.  Only you will know if and when you and your DH are ready to try again if ever.

As for "do you want another 18 years"  as I said, we were planning a graduation.  My sons are now 20, 18 and the youngest will be 17 a month before I deliver. Then, three months later the oldest will turn 21.  I have been told I am insane for doing this especially when I say that we are going to do it again so that Braedon will have a playmate.  

[bernie40]

Always here for you hun.  Take it one step at a time, that's what i'm trying to do.  xoxoxo

[darfry40]

Yes your right... we do all love babies, and I have thought about the whole 18 years, but in the case of my oldest who says he isn't moving out till he's 30 haha,  it could be longer than 18 years lol. I loved every part of raising my children, from babies to adults.. and sometimes I also wonder if because my children are less dependant on me is another reason I want to have another baby. The thought of grandchildren has also crossed my mind, although I don't think my boys are in any hurry to settle down with someone but thats a good thing for right now. But you never know what may happen in the next coming years.. And the girls are only 14 and 15 so I really hope not to have any from them for quite a few years. My mom has always told me that having grandchildren are even better than having your own..lol. Thank you for your comment and I will continue thinking about that!

[darfry40]

Thanks Bernie... and I know you are going through the same thing and I always appreciate talking with you. I don't want to rush into anything at this moment but after I have a normal period again, I am thinking I just want to give it a few months and see what happens. I too am thinking like 6 months or so and if it doesnt happen then so be it. And yes I'm scared of it happening again but I really want to try again.
Sometimes after reading some of these stories on here I feel really guilty for wanting another baby, when I have already been so blessed with the 4 I have. My heart goes out to the ones who are trying so desperately to have their first child and have suffered many miscarriages. I guess that's the part of me that feels like I'm being selfish for wanting another baby! Its just all so emotional and confusing!

[melimeli]

I think we always want another.. who doesn't love babies.. but do you want 18 more years of it?  You will be able to hold grandbabies soon (maybe ;) )  just think through do you want 18 more years or just a baby?  

[bernie40]

Hi darfry, I know what you are going through because I ask myself the same questions.  As you know I also have 4 children (15, 13, 12 and 7) and my last pregnancy was unplanned and sadly did not last.  The thing is i got so excited once the shock had gone, we had started a list of possible names and I was looking at bedding and cots and pushchairs and things.  I can't now envisage a future without another little bundle of joy to add to my brood.  My husband like yours is scared of the same thing happening and says he can't bear to see me go through this pain again.  Of course I am also scared of it happening again.  I have told myself that if I have not conceived by the summer then it is not meant to be and if the worst should happen and I should go through a miscarriage again then i will not try again.

When I first discovered I was pregnant I was really scared about my age and my husband's age (my husband is 48) but I quickly realised that there are an awful lot of women in their 40's having babies and it isn't so unusual.  The thing is these doubts are filtering in again and I just remind myself that age is just a number.

If your unsure whether it's your hormones then my advice would be to not rush into anything just yet.  We have both only just suffered our losses, it will take a month or two for our hormones to adjust, not to mention our emotions.  For me, I want to start ttc asap but we are all different.

Don't be too hard on yourself, hold on to the fact that you can ttc if you want to and wait until you feel truly ready.  I hope this helps a little.  ((( )))