How did you know it was time for a 2nd TTC?

[maybebaby29]

Hi,
I was on these boards back in 08 when I started in the Fertility section. We TTCed for 1 year to no luck, off to the RE for unmonitored clomid and IUI (no luck), and then monitored clomid, trigger, IUI = wonderful son born Dec 08. He is the light of our lives and words cannot even begin to describe how much I love him and happy he's here.

We always talked about having two. I'm an only child and HATED (still do) it. It's very lonley and now with my parents at the end of their lives, it's even more lonley to realize that's it. No other family.

Unfortuantely, the first year with our son was super rough.
1. born with Apgar 1, asphixiated, meconium in his lungs. We thought he wasnt' going to make it
2. 6 weeks severe RSV and in the hospital for a week. Now has reactive airway issues everytime he gets sick
3. colic. we're talking 8pm-2am crying and never sleeping
4. acid reflux so severe he had to go on Prevacid
5. milk protein allergy
6. double hernia and hydrocele surgery
7 more hospital stays for his lungs, lots of worry

Now combine that with undiagnosed post partum anxiety/OCD and eventually after a year, depression. Our marriage was severely affected too where I saw 4 lawyers ready to divorce. My DH hung in there and "forced" me into marriage therapy. I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore so I went on Prozac two months ago. He saw I would do anything to improve myself for my son that he also entered personal therapy.

So...it was a really, really rough year. Now our son is 2 and things have turned around. Not saying we're "cured" in our marriage issues but my husband has seen how well we have been doing and asked me yesterday if I wanted a summer baby when would I have to get pregant--which would mean August of 2011. After seeing how sick and deadly it is for a newborn/infant we will never do a winter baby again if we can help it. Thanks to RE treatements, maybe we can.

And now it's got me really, really thinking. Is it a good idea to have a 2nd baby?

Pros
1. we always wanted 2
2. I hated being an only child.
3. Our son is very social and loves babies. I think he would enjoy it
4. I LOVED being pregnant.
5. at least we know I can get pregnant

Cons/questions
1. Will our marriage go to hell again? I never want it to get like that again.
2. lack of sleep. Holy cow was that bad.
3. challenges of a newborn's schedule. In short life stops for about 7 months (3 naps, etc)
4. can we afford a nanny for the newborn at $10/hour for 3 days AND $51/day (3 days) day care? It was hard enough just at $10/hour the first time
5. I'll be 40 in November 2011. When we did our treatments two years ago they told me my FSH was 9.2 meaning that at 10 IVF is more common than a successful IUI/Clomid. So my time is  running out.
6. Prozac. At first we both said no way will I do that while pregnant. But living the difference with and without depression, I'm afraid to get off. What do we do? I need 3 months to get it out of my system before TTC. Can I make it?

So the concept of having another baby, yes I do want one. But the "cons" are so scary to me. I KNOW I am an excellent mother but man was it hard the first time. I had no idea.

How did mothers who were positive but scared get over it? Or did you decide just to be grateful and keep it at one? My DH mentioned adoption because I'm adopted. I told him at this point in my life, I'm not ready for that journey. I rather have my own.

[maybebaby29]

Congrats April. I can respect and understand your choice. We have a full house here too (4 animals) and there are times where our son is an emotional challenge for me (I may have to up my Prozac dose. I think 10mg is being too low).

But a small kink may put plans on hold now. I may start looking for another job. Work drama/job in jeopardy may kill the whole fertility treatment coverage. If I stay the insurance said no worries. I'm covered for treatment. If I go, I may have to wait not only a year but "pre existing" might kill my chances. And I do worry about healthcare coverage for my son but at least I know preexisting is less of a problem for kids. If I can at least get the same carrier coverage I know how they cover and it isn't that bad.

Hell. In all honesty I wanted to stay on the road to baby making, get my maternity leave, THEN look for a job because I knew I only wanted one more child. Now? I don't know what to do. I also don't want to start right now---guaranteed winter baby and with my job on the fritz I don't need to be pregnant and fired.

[April162010]

Hi, We planned 1 child and we are pregnant (22weeks) .

We both professionals, we bought our house in the country ( amaziling gorgoeus!), we have adopted during the years furry babies and today we have 7 cats and 3 dogs which we loved to much and now waiting for our baby boy in may...( hoping he will be a Veterinarian ...lol)

We have enough money to enjoy our life and take care of 1 baby only, things are very expensive and  i dont want my child with no babysitter or in a pre care place while he is a baby, so this is why we consider 1 baby is enough and so we can spend time with him and keep in eye on his education.

as you see we have in total 10 furry kids + one baby in the way...we are a full house...lol

[MrsPincince]

It seems like you are more comfortable with the idea of another child:-) That's great!

[maybebaby29]

And I will add that I learned A LOT from our 1st experienc and would do a lot differently.

1. do therapy touch points to talk about anxiety
2. hire a damn nanny at least once a day to let me sleep. With the first child there were days in a row I went without any sleep, water, eating.
3. screw the housework. DH can help load/unload dishes/laundry too!
4. keep our son in daycare. It can only help him and give me a break
5. be open to going on meds after the baby. Don't wait 2 years for anxiety, panic, depression, moods all over the place to hit.
6. get out of the house without any kids attached to me. This I have a problem with now.

[maybebaby29]

I'm sorry you had that experience Ecologic. I know that too is a reality. Right now we're still in marriage therapy to ensure that 1. we can cope better for our son because we (ok my DH) realized that divorce or marriage we MUSt handle life better for him. It's not like we're going away from each other. and 2. we want to make sure that if we do decide on a baby we can do this. We also talked today about keeping me in therapy for personal check ups to make sure I can have someone to talk with regarding fears or issues. Last time I totally relied on boards like MedHelp. And in the end we realized people are biased. It's better to get professional help instead of asking friends (sometimes).

We'll see. For the meds, right now I"m on a very low dose (10mg) because I'm hypersensitive to meds. Although recently we're going back and forth on upping it maybe to 15mg but I don't want to up it only to taper/get off so quickly. We'll see.

I told my therapist today for our goals going forward I do not want us to ever go back to where we were with each other --- with another baby or without. Our son deserves so much more. I've seen lots of progress and my DH said that he will enter his own personal therpay because more and more he realizes that stress outside of our life usually triggers the stress of our lives together. So if he has 9 million things to think about (work, money, someone being an *******) and then something family-oriented happens it pushes him over the edge. We want him not to even get to the edge. His main problem is he never talks to anyone about his problems except for me and well, I can't alwyas be that source. He really needs to see a therapist to let it all go and just vent.

We'll see how it goes. Excited about the possibility. Still afraid of the reality. I ask for two things if we do go through it 1. healthy baby and 2. easier baby (no colic/health issues). :)

[Ecologic]

I would be very careful about having an other child if the 1st one almost made you get a divorce!

I am in the same boat, but for now we have decided not to have a 2nd baby, the 1st one is only 7.5 months old. We may reconsider, though we'll need to hurry up if we do so as I am 42 and it took 4 years to conceive the 1st one. Problem is I travel a lot and hubby ends up alone with 1 baby which is hard enough, but alone with 2 babies could be too much.

I have a sister, we are only 18 months apart... and growing up together was not much fun: we fought a lot and had nothing in common! We have very different personalities. We now get along better, but we live in different parts of the world and rarely see each other, that's sad.

[spade22]

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I myself am an only child and swore that if I had children I would have 2-3 as I was very unhappy growing up as an only child.  I am now 35 and Jazmine is 2.5 but the thought of having another baby is daunting - I work full time in a highly stressful job and the thought of going through pregnancy again and the sleepless nights is scary.  Time is ticking and I also feel torn.  I dont really have answers for you but wanted to let you know you are not the only one in this situation!  I also suffered from anxiety/depression before/after pregnancy.

One thing I would like to point out is there are antidepressants that can be taken during pregnancy.  Prozac is typically considered safe but it depends on your dosage etc and some medications are best avoided (or tappered down) during certain phases of the pregnancy.  You might consider talking to your dr about this so you can make a well-informed decision.

[MrsPincince]

You're welcome! I love this site. I try to see the glass half full most of the time (of course reality slaps me in the face every now and then but that's life!) b/c at the end of the day, negativity is just not healthy. So if I can shed some positivity on a situation, I always jump at the chance. My mom always told me "what don't kill you will only make you stronger". I believe that 100%. I personally believe that having children is a privilege. If we are blessed enough to have children, the temper tantrums, being sick, all the other "unforeseen circumstances" that come with pregnancy, birth, and raising children is really minute compared to the lifetime of JOY they bring. (sorry to get all sappy but i know my son's love for me is UNCONDITIONAL no matter what. That makes it all worth it for me...LOL). I think conceiving in August 2011 is perfect for you. Your son will be 3 or turning 3, he'll understand the "big brother" role. I've read that if you keep your child involved with EVERY aspect of your pregnancy (Dr's appts, baby clothes, baby furniture, etc.) they actually take pride and look forward to it. It may be just what you 3 need. maybe going through a pregnancy together will bring all of you closer.....I sure look forward to your future posts about your journey to pregnancy and healthy birth:-)

[maybebaby29]

Thanks Mrsprince. I am not the most positive outlook person. :) It's just so hard when you never thought those things would have happened or it would have been THAT hard (lack of sleep). I'm excited at the thought of a second child but man, I am also really, really scared.

Thank you for your insight and support. Yesterday was a tough day with my son (he was in a mood all morning before his nap) and it was one of those days I really doubted how I could ever have 2 children. But again, being an only child is just miserable (in my perspective living it). And I really, really didn't want him to be alone in this world. So I guess I"ll deal with 2 kids being "in a mood". :)

[MrsPincince]

Well you HAVE gone through a lot. But you know what...You and your DH are showing us that you CAN handle another child. If you guys can make it through everything you just mentioned and still be together, you were meant to be and you were meant to be parents. Only YOU and your DH can decide to have another child or not. It sounds to me like you both are ready. I guess the only way really is to just jump in. Right now you have more cons than pros (only b/c of the Prozac) once that is eliminated, you are tied with pros and cons....so that would leave you 50-50 and again it would go back to just going for it. I hope that helps and made sense. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you do update us no matter what your decision is :-)

[maybebaby29]

No we would go in August to try to get pregnant making a May 2012 baby

[tinkerbell1124]

Well After my son, I said  NEVER wanted anymore. BEFORE I found out I was PG, I NEVER wanted any. BUT now our son is 5 and I'm ready for another one. Hoping xmas day  made it work!!!! And IF I DID get PG on the 25th, I would be due like Sept. 18, 2011. So you're too late for Aug.