I would like some advice on how to support a friend who lost her baby.

[AquaGrl08]

Hi Girls, or guys!... a week ago one of my very good friends lost her baby, the baby was supposed to be due this past weekend, so she already had everything ready to recieve him at home, this baby was her 3rd, she is 35 and mother of 2 boys, 5 and 2 years old. This baby was also a boy. Still I do not know what exaclty went wrong, she went to listen the baby's heart since she felt he was not moving too much as he used to, and everything was "fine". two days later when she went again to her appointment the baby heartbeat was gone. I spoke with her at the hospital and she seemed "ok" she was like all super moms directing the husband on picking up the kids at kindergarten, pointing where the food at the fridge  was and that he needed to pick up the laundry...but since then she decided to close herself at her home, and even though her mom is with her and her husband, she does not want to see any one at all...I know there's a period of pain and as far as I understand "we" will never forget this baby because he was already among us in many ways... I have phoned her place and her mom and husband said she is slightly better but still she is not feeling like seeing any one... I hardly can imagine her pain since I do not have any kids of my own, but she is really a dear friend.. which is the best way to be a good friend in this situations? leave alone, phone, send presents? which is your experience? feel sad for her and in a way I wish I could help some how.... do you understand what I mean??

[AquaGrl08]

7preg3b and anxi. Thank you girl for your ideas they sure give me a perspective and great inputs to put into the practice.
Good health to you all.! ;) HUGS!

[anxi]

I lost my baby at 35 weeks.  There is nothing worse than having people ignore the most devastating thing that has happened to you. Send her a note letting her know you respect her privacy  and understand if she does not want visitors  .or to talk right now.  Let her know you are thinking of her and   you will continue to call her husband or mother to see how she and they are doing.  

I had friends who completely disappeared and they were people I considered good friends.  I had two friends who I never would have expected to care so much for me really make a difference.  They never let up.  They would stop by, call and just listen.  Don't say things like everything happens for a reason.  Just let your friend talk and let out her feelings.   Go to the baby's funeral if the family is ok with that.  Don't expect to be told when or were it is. Call your friend's mother and tell her you want to be there if it is ok with your friend.  Also since your friend has kids offer to help with housework picking/dropping off at school etc..  You don't have to be pushy just let someone in the family know you are there if they need you and repeat your offers to help.  One last thing  we tend to focus on the mother when a baby is lost but remember that the pain affects everyone in the family, let the grandparents and father of the baby know that you are there to listen to them also if they need you.

I know this seems like a lot and only you know your relationship with  your friend and her family and how much of yourself you are willing to give.  I'm just letting you know what certain friends of mine did that helped me and my husband. Again I want to point out that the people who helped me the most were the ones from whom I least expected it from.  Also it is ok for you to cry with your friend and show her how much you feel for her.

They will never be the same people they were before this happened.  If at anytime your friend needs to talk to someone who understands I am here.  I am here for you as well.  

[adgal]

I have never been through a situation quite like this, but if it were me, I would let her take the lead.  Let her know you are there for her when she is ready or needs you.  I would also make sure she knows she won't be burdening you or bothering you (so many worry about "bothering" their friends with their sadness).  Then, when she calls or does need you, just listen and let her do what she needs to do.  

My heart goes out to your friend, and I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.  She is lucky to have a friend like you!

[7preg3b]

There is nothing that can be done for her now.  Just let her know you are there for her when shes ready.  I lost my son a month ago and really only see a few people now and again..  The pain she is experiencing is unimaginable. Nothing you say or do will help.  but eventually you will need to listen.  when she is ready.  Hope this helps..