Pregnant- alone- and lied to on Christmas .... just a vent

[megryan]

I know it is my own fault- and yes ... I know I need to leave him.

It's Christmas- and here I am alone- and lied to.

My fiance' was suppose to help me make/drive a trip on Christmas Eve Day ... but he had to work- at least that is what he told me. He also lied to others who were on the trip with me. It is a 9 hour trip- and due to finances (rental car/hotel costs.) - I had to drive and turn around and drive back home- plus- THRU a snow storm. I cried to him that I did not think I could do it- physically- being 20 wks pregnant- and I hurt my bad back. I wished he could go. And no- no one else on the trip can drive. PLUS_ last week I also got stuck/caught in another storm and was in the car 30 HOURS! LONG story- but I HAD to make this trip- he was also supposed to be on vacation to help me ...

Before I left- I put out his "work clothes"- but I forgot to reset the alarm for his time to get up. So I called and calledf rom the road to make sure he got up. I called and called to make sure he made it home ok from work AND I busted butt to get back home so he would not be left alone for Christmas Eve/Day. He said he had a good day at work- and went to the movies with his relatives and to dinner. Then I saw his work clothes- and saw the alarm was not changed. HUmm. Christmas morning- I asked him if he wanted me to make him bfast/coffee. he didn't- but I was starving- plus my legs were all swollen- I guess from sitting so long in the car. So I am ready to eat and get a nice long bath. He says he is leaving for his mom-s - has to go be there in 20 minutes- HUH? To open presents.Says he guesses I wont be coming ... gee thanks. I tell him I have to bathe and eat. He says he will wait for me. I make cereal- and he is in his coat- leaving- says I am putzing and he shoulda known I was gonna ruin his Christmas. HUH? Complains about the gift I got him. And he forgot about me ... He leaves. Says he is going to dinner at his relatives after- he will call when on the way to see if I am ready ...mentioned this stuff to me at the last minute- and of course I AM EXHUSTED. Told me he will be sure and tell relatives- I am a *itch and couldnt bother to spend time with them ...HUH? So I busted butt to get back- so I could be left alone ...

I look at our survellience system- and sure enough he is home all day on Christmas Eve- he lied and lied. I guess he made other plans and never was going to help me drive- duh.

Yet he makes it out that I am the problem. ??? The only problem I have is him. I guess you metion prrsents- and he is THERE! Forgot me/ the kids/baby- yet bought himself a present- a new motorcycle helmet- and we have feet of snow!!

I don't even want to cry- yet I am sad. My ex cheated on me around Christmas- and this almost feels like the same hurt. I so wanted to have a great holiday- but I definitely did as far as the kids/baby go. :) I just have to put them/me first- always. :)

Thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for all the support here. I am so stupid ... Going to drink fluids and put legs up ... Be happy for the good men/families you have in your lives ...

[m3lanie]

well said mel... The mother MUST put the kids first and quit the repeated cycle with each and every new relationship. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to notice when someone is not right in the head and abusive early on-that is the cue to run for the hills! Why on earth would one be with a person who is bad?

[BLS1971]

Hi Meg

I agree completely. This loser is neither a father (it takes a sperm to make a baby; it takes a lot more to make a father), nor is he a man. And what he did--blocking you in the room--is inprisonment, also considered kidnapping. He has broken the law already, with regard to you, and I fear his behavior will only get increasingly menacing and possibly violent as time goes on. If you are afraid to kick him out, yourself, I would recommend having some BIG male friends come over and help you do it. I would also notify the police that you fear for your safety, so they're on the lookout.

I know it doesn't seem this way, but ridding yourself of this creature once and for all is the very best gift you can give to yourself and your children. Declare your independence, and feel good about it. You deserve it.

Best wishes,
Bonnie

[m3lanie]

meg... Get your kids out of hell and stop this nasty cycle! Do the right thing and put your kids first. Get out! Those poor kids!

[melimeli]

if you look at her previous post from her profile page she had a long rant about her step son and all the horrible things he does and the chaos her life is in.. but said nothing about having a shitt y boyfriend... she isn't going to leave.. I mean it is sooo sad for her kids.. her poor kids that had an abusive father and here she goes and puts them right back into another situation that is soo unhealthy it makes me sick that some kids don't get dealt such a raw deal with parents and it ends up screwing up their lives and then their kids lives and it is just a huge circle... it makes me cry for the kids that mommies don't protect their babies from one of the most important forms of abuse...   And that them learning YOUR unhealthy relationship patterns... I mean one of the thing that can bring the most pain or joy is your adult relationship with a partner and if you don't teach them how... or you teach them that abuse is the norm well that is what they will have as adults and it will give them such an unhappy life... it just makes me sick to think of the amount of stress her poor kids go to school with everyday.. I mean how can they even concentrate?  ahhh man.. if those kids were just born into a different family they would be completely different people.. I am a teacher and I think that all the time with some of our kids at school that have so many problems and such hard home lives.. I wonder jeez.. if this poor kid was just born into a different family I wonder if he would be having all of these problems at school...  it makes me so sad for the innocent bystanders that get their lives screwed up by their "loving mothers" that choose to love an idiot over their kids well being...

[spade22]

You are in an abusive relationship - please find a support network to free yourself from this disgusting situation.  A leopard does not change it spots.

[TreeFrog7]

I was trying to think of what to say, Meg, and rubyinparadise said it for me.  Do get out - even if you're not sure where you're going to. Take your kids and go to relatives, even if you dislike them - or go to a shelter, or to the police. Tell them you don't have a home and need temporary help, even charity. Don't let this man interfere in your decision. No one can make you go back unless you let them. Even if it's embarrassing and you must accept help, do it for your childrens' sake if nothing else.

Best wishes,
~Wendy

[rubyinparadise]

i hope that you find the courage and support to get this terrible person out of your life for good, and out of your kids' lives for good.

i know it can be a major relief of emotional pressure, stress, anxiety and loneliness to come online and post all about it and get all of this wonderful support and feedback. it's wonderful that you can do that.

but please don't let it stop there. in my experience, "venting" too much can be a substitute for actually taking action. at this point there is nothing left to do but take decisive action.

wishing you the very best of luck in the new year. it's up to you! you're the key.

[melimeli]

leave or your kids will repeat your cycle and more than likely unhappy lives with abusive partners and it will be your fault.. leave or let you kids live with someone that is in a healthy relationship or none at all..

you are the one that needs help... help in order to leave him and be a stronger woman and mother.. do it for you kids they do not deserve to pay for you weakness

[megryan]

I just wanted to say to Treefrog- you were right. I didnt really confront him- but he was complaining about what I got him for Christmas and the fact that I am a "taker" instead of a "giver"- which is NOT true... and I told him at least I dont lie to him. Well- he said he was NOT lying- you were right= that when he told me he had to work for his day job he did. And when I told him to have a good day at work- that it was x-mas eve and cust. would be nice to him- he did work- as he does each and every day if not at his day job. And when I laid his clothes out for work and he did not speak up he says that isnt lying. So I hear Dr. Phil saying you cant change what you dont acknowlege. It is deceptive and a betrayl of trust. What if I had a miscarriage and didnt bother to tell him- just let him keep thinking worng ... he is warped and manipulative. Yes- I am ALREADY alone. Just like I was for at least 5 yrs of my first marriage. ALONE but with someone else to put up with and help out ...

He screamed at me today. Telling me I WAS the liar. ?? That he didnt want the baby- hoped I miscarried- and that everyone hates me .... blalalla. Called me his ex's name a few times and said it was no wonder my ex cheated on me in my own bed- that i deserved it. I was a fake ___itch. All I do is make arguments- blalal. He blocked me in a room and wouldnt let me leave- so we could "talk." (Or he could try and justify his "lying".) I had to pee and tried to pass- and it was just a bad scene. (Kids werent here.) I did get in to the bathroom- after pretty much peeing my pants. He let me out when I rolled down the windows to holler for the neighbors. Says I deserved how my ex treated me- being beat when I was pregnant- etc. That I AM the abuser- how I tried to get passed him. (I am half his size- he is 6'4 and 250 lbs.)

I DO so want - always have- my children to have two parents. My dad hurt me and went to prison for a long time- and I always wanted my kids to have a father in their life- but yes- a GOOD ONE. (My mom also was not a good one- she pretty much left me alone to care for my siblings so she could party- and I think blamed me for a man not being in her life permanently- but whatever- we dont speak.) I just really want that for my kids- but he needs help. But he says it is me- and I guess I do have some kind of mental issue to always be so forgiving- or a door mat. (I have since forgiven my father- so my family does not speak to me.)

Mjmom- that is what my ex did.And you know- it pretty much worked. The only time / money he spend/spent with the kids is when church people could see -- or his girlfriend. My dd cries that dad pretends when his gf is around- so at least she sees it ... He was a liar and a cheater and a controlling jerk- but I always TRIED to respect him as the kids father ..

Sorry so long. Thanks for not judging me ... and the kind words.

[mjmom69]

I'm so sorry. I hope it wasn't too bad for you.

I wanted to share something with you from my experience that might shed some light for you. I agree, you need to leave him. I am now married to a wonderful, caring, thoughtful man  but I haven't always been happy in marriage. I was married to my first husband for about 8 yrs. I, not knowing any better, thought things were fine. We weren't close but I loved him and thought I was happy. Then I got pregnant. He wasn't happy about it at first, but seemed to become happy about it after a bit. Then when I was 4 months pg, he came home in the wee hours of the morning (he was out late alot) and told me he didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me. I was shocked. He said he couldn't believe I got so upset because he knew I didn't love him either. He wanted me to stay there with him for now and we'd figure something out later. I was devistated to say the least. The next 9 mo. were a rollercoaster. I tried to make him love me again, while he rejected me and was actually cruel at times. I didn't tell anyone about what he had said and tried to give the appearance of a happy couple. He would stay out late every night and avoid family functions. I would make excuses for him. He would try to make me look bad to others, like I was doing something wrong. In the end, I left with our 4 mo old daughter, who he hadn't really spent any time with. He didn't work at the time but I had to take my DD to my mom's while I worked because he was too "busy" to watch her. After a while I realized what he had been doing. He was trying to create a situation where he wouldn't look like the bad guy for leaving his pg wife for another woman. He tried to make me look like a bad wife to our friends and family so when we did break up, he could blame me. It didn't work, but I wish I could've seen it and let everyone know the truth in the beginning and save myself alot of stress. My daughter is healthy and happy even thought I went though hell during my pregnancy.

I know this was long, but my point is that it sounds a little like what your husband is doing to you. He doesn't want to look like a bad guy by treating you badly outright, so he's making it look like you have done something wrong so he can feel better and you'll always think it was your fault.

Get out now and save yourself some greif as well as getting on with your life and focus on your kids. That was 8 yrs ago for me and I just got remarried 6 mo ago. I'm happier than I've ever been. There is a light at the end.

I'm sorry this is happening to you but you can be happy again. Don't let him bring you down anymore.
Good luck

[sue68]

Hello,

I'm sorry you had such a crummy Christmas but, things will get better once you make "THE" choice.  I remember and reread some of your earlier posts/ vents.  I saw that while you vented alot about the frustration this guy is causing you - I also saw that you weren't ready to leave. He'd say or do something nice and that seemed to make you forget ( temporarily ) what this guy really is.  I am not in your shoes but, I don't think I could put up with this "man" for long. I hope that you're reaching your breaking point soon where you won't accept this behaviour any longer.

You've mentioned how bad your ex was in the past. I don't know how long you stayed with him but, try to remember the relief, the calm and PEACE you felt after it was over.  Everyone here is right and I really believe that you will feel the same once you decide to end this current relationship for good.  If he's failed you all this time - throughout this whole pregnancy as well as prepregnancy  - he will continue to pull these kinds of acts - whether its Christmas, or Valentine's day, the kids birthdays - or just any other ORDINARY day.  
He will always disappoint you AND your children.  You have the choice to decide whether you will put up with this constant hurt - but, your children don't. As long as you stay with this "man" your kids, including the baby - will grow up watching their mommy being disrespected, unhappy, uncherished, unappreciated, frustrated etc...and they will also be disappointed too in this failure of a "father" figure.

Deep in your heart you know what to do because you've done it before. I can only imagine that it must be such a dificult decision for you to leave because you probably don't want to be alone.  The harsh fact is you already are.  I think we're all hoping that you're starting to realize that.  You've been with a bad man before so you know what signs to recognize. This current is no better than your ex.  

My wish for you is that one day ( hopefully soon ) you don't have to tell us to appreciate the good men in our lives.  I wish that YOU will appreciate yourself and feel that you deserve a good man - then you won't put up with cr_p from anyone any longer.  I wish that you'd EXPECT to be treated with respect so you won't ever let anyone disappoint or hurt you again.  May 2010 be the start of this road to happiness for you. Good luck to you, I hope to read your happy posts in the future - with or without a man.  You're better off without a bad man.  You can be happy - its your choice.  

[adgal]

I'm with the others.  I know it's not always easy to hear or do, but you have to get rid of this guy.  Perhaps you are worried about raising this baby alone.  I know many women stay because they think it's better for their children to have two parents.  Your children/baby will be so much better off with one loving parent then being in a toxic situation like this.  How many times does it take?  He obviously is a self absorbed jerk who cares for no one but himself.  You and your kids deserve more, and you know something, good men are out there.  Men who won't cheat, lie or treat you disrespectfully.  No, no one is perfect, and I know my DH does dumb things sometimes, but as someone else said, when things are tough or I need him, he is always there. We are there for each other. That is how it is supposed to be and that is what we all deserve, you included.  There is never going to be a right time to get out, so do it now.  Or better yet, kick his butt out.  I hate to be mean, but you are allowing him to treat you this way by not doing anything about it.  You have got to leave.  I am sorry your Christmas turned out this way and I am thinking about you.  Please take care, and do what you need to do.  

[TreeFrog7]

Hi Meg,

I've read and responded to your earlier posts, and not long ago I saw a new post from you where you didn't say a word against your partner, but described the outrageous problems with his son, and I couldn't respond - because I could tell that things were no better at home and that your partner was still the man you had described earlier. I agree with the others - you need to leave him ASAP. He may not beat you physcially, but he beats you emotionally. I guarantee he will not change and he will never acknowledge the harm he does.

Also, I don't think there's any point confronting him on anything. He won't tell you the truth - he doesn't KNOW the truth. Truth does not exist for him as it does for most others. Ditto compassion. He does not know what it is - only what the word seems to mean to others.

I'm so sorry you are sad on Christmas. I hope you will be able to make a better life for yourself, and that next Christmas will be a WHOLE different story.

I can tell you are strong and you will survive! Keep us posted!

Hugs,
~Wendy

[NZmum3]

Hi there,I'm so sorry to have read this sad situation you are in.Confront him to get the truth so at least you can plan your future and move on.I know it's tough on your own.I have done it twice with new born babies as their fathers were play arounds.Take care and no more driving in the snow.You must be in the USA to have snow,it's hot summertime here in New Zealand.Please keep us posted and it's hard to make decisions when your in love and pregnant.Try and have a cheerful Christmas.Erina xxx

[gokuangel]

have to agree with Pamela..! REALLY SRRY! and i don't thinks its all your fault either! Why are you driving all this time being PG? when my CIL's GF was PG and they were moving from CO to here to TX a BUNCH of the family went up there not just to help move things but to help that the girl drive her car down here knowing how hard it is on a PG woman!! and him calling you names and trying to blame something on you thats his excuse for saying he doesnt want to be there wants something else!! I know i dont know the whole ENTIRE story!! But hes making you feel like crap and you're the one PG!!
I'm not one of those to just say oh dump him but lemme tell you my DH is a pain in  my royal A$$ sometimes and can make me seriously mad but when i need him and i need help he NEVER EVER lets me fall down!! And this is the time when you are practically falling and he's just letting you instead of reaching out a hand!!

[PamelaBee]

Ya know...I'm of a new mindset when it comes to this kind of thing...and you may not like what you're going to hear but I would DUMP HIM!!!  I have heard of similar situations from posts on this forum, and my first reaction is your man is such an AHOLE!!!  It's true, there are good decent guys, and there are AHOLES!!!!!  Personally, I would never tolerate any kind of BS from a man...especially lying and disrespectful comments...I'd kick him to the curb before your baby can say DaDa!!  So, my dear....think long and hard about this man before your dear sweet baby comes into the world.  If it's bad now...just wait. Do yourself, your kids and your new baby a favor and lose him.  Merry Christmas!