scared

[kait154]

I am 37 years old and i just found out that I am pregnant.  I have been in an on and off again relationship that has been going nowhere.  I wanted to get out of this relationship because it is not healthy.  He is verbally abusive and manipulative.  He doesnt like my family and it scares me to think how he will treat them once we have this baby. I do want children, and I am 37 so feel I have that biological clock ticking, but feel ashamed to say that maybe I should not have the baby.  please help

[VASusan]

I'm glad you have your own apartment and that you could talk to a counselor.  I hope your family will be supportive when they find out about your pregnancy. Keep us posted.
Take good care of yourself and the baby!

~Susan

[kait154]

Well I spoke with a counselor and that did feel better to talk about everything.  The bf is getting worse....alot more threatening comments...sometimes I really dont know who he is or where he comes up with his way of thinking...he is completely insensitive and has become more controlling and verbally abusive.  I really should have broke free from him along time ago, but for some reason I didnt...guess sometimes you think someone will change, but they dont.  I do not live with him, I have my own apartment, but spoke with him on the phone last night and he was incredibly calm, but completely verbally abusive and continued to criticize me and I wasnt supposed to say a word, just was supposed to listen (as he said) to all the ways I should have improved myself.  I am sorry to write all of these depressing comments on this forum, probably should look into the relationship forum instead, but this is the only forum I have ever written on and everyone that has responded has been very supportive and wonderful.  Thank you all.  

[Renogirl]

I think this baby could be a motivating factor for you to get out of a bad relationship - this baby will be an incredible blessing to you - but you have to think about the baby first and not allow him or her to grow up in an abusive home environment - my advice - harsh as it is - keep the baby - ditch the loser boyfriend!

[YvetteY]

Hi...don't stay in a miserable relationship because of the baby and being pregnant.  You will regret it. Don't expect him to change as the way he is now is the way he will be.  I know it's hard to walk away and it's easy for someone to tell you to do that.   And whatever you decide about the baby is the best you can do for yourself.   I am sorry you are going thru tough times!  

[VASusan]

Kait,
Your family might just surprise you. I found out last spring at age 51 that I was pregnant. I thought my parents and my mother in law would judge us for being careless, but they could not have been more loving and supportive. Our church also was very generous and every need was provided. Several ladies at our church bought  things for the baby at yard sales and we got many hand me downs too.

Sadly we lost our baby at 8 months gestation, but the Lord showed us through these past months so plainly how loving and caring He is.

Porverbs 3:5-8
      Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
      And lean not on your own understanding;
       6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
      And He shall direct your paths.
       7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
      Fear the LORD and depart from evil.
       8 It will be health to your flesh,
      And strength to your bones.

Matthew 6:25-34 (Jesus is speaking)

25“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [7] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

The Lord promises to be a father to the fatherless. May He give you wisdom to seek His will for your life and for the life of your precious child.

~Susan

[kait154]

I really do appreciate everyones response and caring...thank you all very much.  It means alot during this time, makes you feel not so alone.  I will be making an appointment on monday with a counselor and will keep you all informed on how that goes...god bless to all of you-

[kait154]

Thank you for what you mentioned...I definately would not want negative responses so I appreciate you mentioning that to me...I also will take your advice and will make a call on Monday for counseling.  Your right, it could only help and I guess I just never thought about seeing a counselor so thank you for that advice.  I will definately call on Monday.
Thank you so much-

[40smama]

I too wouldn't presume to judge your situation because it took me 15 years to get out of a manipulative/verbally abusive relationship.  I spent many a day crying & feeling no energy but the moment I made a decision to get out of the relationship, I felt this surge of energy/confidence that I've never experienced.

This may too be your experience but of course every situation is different.  You're overwhelmed right now w/the situation & pregnancy always accentuates every emotion we experience plus a few more added in.  I believe there is even hope in your situation - of course it doesn't feel that way right now so don't give up.  

I can't tell you what to do about the pregnancy - that is your decision as the other posters have said.  Follow your heart is about the best advice I can give you - it sounds like you're torn - my suggestion is to get counseling to help you w/this decision - many health clinics/agencies offer this free of charge and God bless you - jen

[mshelby915]

I hope that this advice has been helpful to you, like all of the ladies here I also agree that
although this is unexpected it is a wonderful blessing. I'm sure that in this stressful time
you can only see the negative aspects of  things but I hope that you just take a moment and think of all the joy that this child could bring you and your family and please try to
remember God doesn't give us more then we can handle.

So take good care of yourself.  

[Luckejem]

Listen to your heart and follow our intuition... I was in a abusive and manipulative relationship for over 18 years and thought there was no way out.. but one night it all changed when I got  up, packed the kids and left. You being pregnant does not mean you have to hold on to that man. Doing things on your own, independently is something no one can take away from you. Thus, you will have the support of your friends and family and people that mean you well is what you need. As to keeping the pregnancy, that a decsion you can only make, You are a woman... and that alone makes you strong.. take care of yourself.  

[adgal]

I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you.  You are in the right place for support, although I will forwarn you that talk of termination may get you some negative responses.  Please understand that many of us have been trying to conceive for some time and would give anything to have a child. It makes it very difficult to understand how any baby could be unwanted.  That being said, most here are non judgmental, and will help where they can.  Even if your family is disappointed, I have no doubt they will stand by you.  You are certainly old enough to make your own decisions, and they will ultimately come to respect that I am sure.  It's not like you are a young teen with no resources of your own.  I do once again encourage you to seek counselling (no shame there, we all need it once in a while) and think long and hard before you do anything.  You could regret it for the rest of your life.  Depression and the circumstances you are in makes it difficult to make a good decision and a Dr. or therapist could help you so much if you let them.  Use this beautiful gift to take stock of your life and begin to do what you need to do to be happy.  You deserve it, and you deserve someone who will treat you right.  I really do wish you well, it sounds like your in a tough spot.  We women are amazingly strong when we need to be, and you can be too.  Hang in there, and please make that phone call on monday.  I have no doubt you will never regret it.  Take good care, and I will keep you in my thoughts.  Oh, and I should mention, there is also a forum on medhelp for women in or coming out of abusive situations.  You may find you get some really great support and advice there as well.  

[kait154]

Thank you all so very much for your comments and your help.  It made me feel good to get a response.  The situation with the on again off again bf is not and has not been good.  You all said to get support from my family....my family does not know that I went back to seeing him again and they do not like the way he has treated me in the past...it was pretty bad...I know they will be disappointed when I tell them that I am pregnant with his child...they will probably say I should not have the baby just because of the fact of how the bf will act in my life and the childs life. They cant stand him because of how he has treated me, which i understand completely.  At the time noone knows except the bf.   I have been going to work but when I get home I am so depressed i cant do anything, i cant stop crying, i have no energy and i am so conflicted in this decision.  

[adgal]

I also would never try to tell you what to do, but I will say this.  If you are 37, then things can get a bit tougher when it comes to trying to conceive and carry a full term baby.  Now, it happens all the time, and there are many women here who have and are doing it successfully.  You do not necessarily need to stay in the relationship if its not healthy for you, but if its what you want, you can raise this baby on your own.  Look to your family and friends for support.  Again, I am not judging you or telling you what you should do.  You are the one in the situation, and I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you.  It's a lot to deal with all at once.  I would just hate to see you make the decision to not have it, then regret it the rest of your life.  Perhaps you should seek some counselling prior to making any decision.  A professional who can help you put things into perspective and help you make the decision that is best for you.  I wish you luck.

[Hope2OneDay]

I can't tell you what to do, but everything happens for a reason. As for the abusive bf, I'd leave that situation asap.

As for the baby...why would you want to give up something that you say you want? Maybe this is your time, since you feel your biological clock is ticking.

If you have the support of family, and you feel capable of loving and taking care of this child, I say go for it. Being in the relationship you are in will never allow you to feel love unconditionally...but the relationship between you and your child will show you what unconditional love really is.

And if you don't want the child, I would suggest adopting it out. At least you can bring that gift to someone else who may not be able to do it on their own.

Best of luck to you!

[2wonderfulboys]

I'm 37 and having my third, only difference is that I am married to a wonderful man.. I feel bad that you are in this situation but the lady above is right, you don't have to stay in the relationship but you will be responsible for another life..  If you really want children then you should really think about your decision, this baby would be a wonderful addition in your life, talk to your family and I am sure they would welcome it..I would definitely get the abusive man out of your life.. This baby is a blessing from God and just wants to love you, please think long and hard about any decision you are thinking about....I wish you all the best and many prayers.

[Super_sally888]

Hi,

I am 38 and having a baby by myself, now 35 weeks.

You don't need to stay in this relationship just because you're pregnant, in fact you shouldn't stay in it given what you've just said.  I don't know if he would have any role in your child's life...  something to consider / discuss with him, as appropriate...

I can't advise you on whether you should have this baby or not.  However, you do need to be very sure about any decision to terminate a pregnancy (I assume that's what you're considering), particularly as you say you do want children.

I can only say listen to your heart.....