Aa
15 weeks and 2 days pregnant...
I am 15 weeks pregnant and my fiance is an alcoholic. He knows he is and says every once in a while that he wants me to help. Ok I will try to make this short. We both wanted to be pregnant and we were both happy but things have changed. He now gets drunk and punches holes in the walls and gets in my face. He has also hit me in the head. I told him I can not be around him when he drinks b/c of the violence and stress. I was drinking everyday but quit, and I was on xanax for severe panic attacks for 9 years and quit that. He will not quit drinking. He says I had a reason to quit. He does too he just thinks he needs to party before the baby is here. This is Monday-Friday... He goes to work at 8 am and gets home around 5:30-6 pm and starts drinking. At first he is calm and collected but then that one sip of beer gets him pissed off at everything and everyone. Fri-Sunday he drinks like there is no tomorrow. The next day when I ask him if he remembers he says no. We have been together for almost 13 years and I as well as my baby can not be around this. What should I do? What should he do? thank you for any suggestions.
Lastnight Rusty (fiance) came over to my friends when he got off of work and we talked and I showed him pictures of 16 weeks sonogram and asked him when he see' the baby in the sonogram if that will hit something and maybe he will change and he said yea. Don't know if that is true but he just said seeing the first and only sonogram so far at 5 weeks and 5 days, that it looked like a piece of paper and he couldn't really take it serious, that yes he would change. I just told him I can't stick around and have a BS relationship to where I stay at Tracy's and he visits after he has been drinking. I told him that is not an option. Later after drinking he came back over and he was decent I guess. We hung out and I kept telling him that if he drinks tonight (Wednesday) and tomorrow (Thursday) even if he sneaks it that I will not talk to him, see him , or have anything to do with him. When he was going to leave I told him to remember what I said, and that if he does drink Wed, or Thurs that he will not go to the next dr. visit and that I will just let him know what the sex is. Then he said, "I don't need to be threatned by you or anyone." I told him that it wasn't a threat, that I was just saying that he will not go. He said that he would think about it and that I need to help him stay busy so he won't get bored and want to drink. It is so funny he says that b/c noone did anything for me when I quit drinking and when I quit xanax. If anything he was drinking infront of me when I was quiting both.
I am still staying with a friend right now untill I feel better. yea BTS you were bitchy lol but that is ok. I will keep everyone posted. TY all for your comments. :)
there are places in everytown that will take in women that are being emotionally or physiclly abused and house them, feed them clothe them, get them baby stuff and teh support they need for free, and best of all they are all places where he cant find you or just show up! they have security and are actually really great places, you usually get your own room and they provide transportation to whatever you need to get done!
the police would be able to give you the number, and theyd set you up asap!
this is if you dont feel comfortable at a friends house, or have no place else to go. they also help with finding employement and after a while your own home!
good luck, dont let him hold you back.... i dont know what i would do if my boyfriend got violent on me, he is all that helps sometimes when im having panic attacks... but if he ever hit me? id be gone. espiecilly if he treats me like that while i was pregnant? no other option. good luck sweety..... there are other people than him that can help you with the panic!
the police would be able to give you the number, and theyd set you up asap!
this is if you dont feel comfortable at a friends house, or have no place else to go. they also help with finding employement and after a while your own home!
good luck, dont let him hold you back.... i dont know what i would do if my boyfriend got violent on me, he is all that helps sometimes when im having panic attacks... but if he ever hit me? id be gone. espiecilly if he treats me like that while i was pregnant? no other option. good luck sweety..... there are other people than him that can help you with the panic!
go to coabode.com
if you fear he will find you at a friends house, go anyways, and if you're working or anything at all, this site could help alot....it's for single moms who cannot afford to live on their own....i have 1 friend who has already worked with this site, and another who is def looking into it.....this is one of few times where i would honestly leave my fiance, disappear(when it comes to him), and raise a child on my own w/o support from his/her father.....
BTS-you so need to host a site, or go be a victims advocate! i'm dead serious.....and i know *some* of what you said is harsh, but i've learned from one friend who lost 3 pregnancies to her husband, sometimes it takes being a TOTAL B*TCH to finally have someone understand, rather than treating them with kids gloves! this friends husband actually struck me, full fisted in the eye, aiming for my husband, and he was sooooo drunk, a week later, even after he'd been arrested and *I* pressed charges, he STILL thought he'd hit my husband!!!!!
if you fear he will find you at a friends house, go anyways, and if you're working or anything at all, this site could help alot....it's for single moms who cannot afford to live on their own....i have 1 friend who has already worked with this site, and another who is def looking into it.....this is one of few times where i would honestly leave my fiance, disappear(when it comes to him), and raise a child on my own w/o support from his/her father.....
BTS-you so need to host a site, or go be a victims advocate! i'm dead serious.....and i know *some* of what you said is harsh, but i've learned from one friend who lost 3 pregnancies to her husband, sometimes it takes being a TOTAL B*TCH to finally have someone understand, rather than treating them with kids gloves! this friends husband actually struck me, full fisted in the eye, aiming for my husband, and he was sooooo drunk, a week later, even after he'd been arrested and *I* pressed charges, he STILL thought he'd hit my husband!!!!!
I think you have gotten a lot of really good advise here. Many of us have been in similar situations; including myself. I too left. I never thought my ex would hit me. Then he did. So I could no longer say that he would never hurt my son because I said that about myself too.
My advice is to leave just like everyone else's. You have to gather up the strength to do this for you and your baby. I have 5 kids and I want them to feel safe and have security. That is not the definiation of your husband. But you can offer that to your baby. Give that little one a good start in life. I think that if something ever happened to your baby because you didn't leave, you'd never forgive yourself. I am saying that as a mother. I say that because if someone ever did anything to my kids and I could have prevented it and didn't, I wouldn't forgive myself.
Just be strong. You can do this. I know it's hard. We all know it's hard. We are all speaking from our hearts and our personal experiences. And for most of us, we look back, and probably even wonder why we stayed as long as we did. And hormones will probably make it even harder, but my advise is to leave. Get out. Run. Don't walk!!
We are all here if you need to talk. Please keep us posted. We will all be worried if you don't get back on here and respond, so I hope we see an update soon.
My advice is to leave just like everyone else's. You have to gather up the strength to do this for you and your baby. I have 5 kids and I want them to feel safe and have security. That is not the definiation of your husband. But you can offer that to your baby. Give that little one a good start in life. I think that if something ever happened to your baby because you didn't leave, you'd never forgive yourself. I am saying that as a mother. I say that because if someone ever did anything to my kids and I could have prevented it and didn't, I wouldn't forgive myself.
Just be strong. You can do this. I know it's hard. We all know it's hard. We are all speaking from our hearts and our personal experiences. And for most of us, we look back, and probably even wonder why we stayed as long as we did. And hormones will probably make it even harder, but my advise is to leave. Get out. Run. Don't walk!!
We are all here if you need to talk. Please keep us posted. We will all be worried if you don't get back on here and respond, so I hope we see an update soon.
Tisa-
Okay I feel bad for sounding like a complete A Hole, but seriously it isnt going to help your nor your DF or baby to stay in your situation. Id hate to be reading the newspaper and see your pic in it. I know seriously how it feels, and honestly if i hadn't of gotten out of my situation when I did I would be dead along with my son who is now 4.
It is easier to leave than you think, yes I know it is hard especially after 13 years but come on girl. Men don't change and IF they do it is usually while sitting in prison for something very bad, like my ex who shot at a cop after I had called them when he held a gun to my head.
A)You need to keep what I call a safety bag in your car or at a friends house, it consists of an ID, clothing, any personal belongings, meds and so forth, that way if you need to leave ASAP you dont need to worry about those things and you can just run out the door.
B) You need to notify someone close to you of your situation, someone besides 911 who is accessable at all times 24/7 365 days a year incase he makes it to where you cannot leave.
C) While he is at work, pack all your **** just anything you HAVE TO HAVE, dont sweat the material stuff you can always get that back after you leave. Ask a friend if you can stay with them, I know it seems like a burden, but if your life and your babies life is a burden to a friend, then they aren't a true friend. IF anything you can go to a womans shelter for battered women, where they will protect you from him trying to find you. GET A RESTRAINING ORDER! I know it seems like an extreme but it helps when your in public like at a friends house,job,new apartment ect...
D) You can always go to an emergancy room and tell them your situation, granted they have to call the police but they can help set you up somewhere to get your life on track.
IF he ever gets buligerant before you can leave do not hesitate to call 911, tell them you are leaving the house and will go to such a such place give an address no names, addresses are harder to remember than names when drunk.
Tisa, You need to get out, because yeah when he is sober he says he will quit, but why quit when you cant remeber all the horrible **** you have done? It doesnt give him a reason to stop, that baby doesnt give him a reason to stop, and in all honesty if KNOWING and SEEING your baby in your tummy does not make him realize your pregnant, seeing a sonogram wont either, mainly because all he has to do is grab that next beer and the picture of that baby in his head will deminish.
Okay I feel bad for sounding like a complete A Hole, but seriously it isnt going to help your nor your DF or baby to stay in your situation. Id hate to be reading the newspaper and see your pic in it. I know seriously how it feels, and honestly if i hadn't of gotten out of my situation when I did I would be dead along with my son who is now 4.
It is easier to leave than you think, yes I know it is hard especially after 13 years but come on girl. Men don't change and IF they do it is usually while sitting in prison for something very bad, like my ex who shot at a cop after I had called them when he held a gun to my head.
A)You need to keep what I call a safety bag in your car or at a friends house, it consists of an ID, clothing, any personal belongings, meds and so forth, that way if you need to leave ASAP you dont need to worry about those things and you can just run out the door.
B) You need to notify someone close to you of your situation, someone besides 911 who is accessable at all times 24/7 365 days a year incase he makes it to where you cannot leave.
C) While he is at work, pack all your **** just anything you HAVE TO HAVE, dont sweat the material stuff you can always get that back after you leave. Ask a friend if you can stay with them, I know it seems like a burden, but if your life and your babies life is a burden to a friend, then they aren't a true friend. IF anything you can go to a womans shelter for battered women, where they will protect you from him trying to find you. GET A RESTRAINING ORDER! I know it seems like an extreme but it helps when your in public like at a friends house,job,new apartment ect...
D) You can always go to an emergancy room and tell them your situation, granted they have to call the police but they can help set you up somewhere to get your life on track.
IF he ever gets buligerant before you can leave do not hesitate to call 911, tell them you are leaving the house and will go to such a such place give an address no names, addresses are harder to remember than names when drunk.
Tisa, You need to get out, because yeah when he is sober he says he will quit, but why quit when you cant remeber all the horrible **** you have done? It doesnt give him a reason to stop, that baby doesnt give him a reason to stop, and in all honesty if KNOWING and SEEING your baby in your tummy does not make him realize your pregnant, seeing a sonogram wont either, mainly because all he has to do is grab that next beer and the picture of that baby in his head will deminish.
Quit making exscuses for him and yourself, if you really want **** to stop you have to jump on the band wagon and just do it, no matter how hard it is. Life isnt all fun and games, and sometimes you have to get dirty. The more you make exscuses for him the worse it will be, IF you do not leave you will never be able too, unless the unthinkable happens *he kills you or your baby* before you can escape.
Women will say oh my hubby would never go that far, truth is if he has went as far as punching you in the head while pregnant, what makes you think his drunken stupor will stop him from shooting your or stabbing you or purely beating you to death. Harsh? Hell yeah it's harsh, I have been there done that got the shirt and wore it out.
My ex has held a gun to my head, he has attempted to drown me while pregnant in my own bath tub IN FRONT OF MY SISTER who didnt do a damned thing, he has bashed me in the head with beer bottles, thrown me down stairs, and even made me swallow a bottle of lowertabs all while pregnant.
NO ONE will help you unless you try to help yourself. I hope that one day if it isnt to late, that you wake up and smell reality, because i can almost promise that he wont stop drinking, even after your sonogram.
Women will say oh my hubby would never go that far, truth is if he has went as far as punching you in the head while pregnant, what makes you think his drunken stupor will stop him from shooting your or stabbing you or purely beating you to death. Harsh? Hell yeah it's harsh, I have been there done that got the shirt and wore it out.
My ex has held a gun to my head, he has attempted to drown me while pregnant in my own bath tub IN FRONT OF MY SISTER who didnt do a damned thing, he has bashed me in the head with beer bottles, thrown me down stairs, and even made me swallow a bottle of lowertabs all while pregnant.
NO ONE will help you unless you try to help yourself. I hope that one day if it isnt to late, that you wake up and smell reality, because i can almost promise that he wont stop drinking, even after your sonogram.
My ex was an alcoholic and asked me to help him quit drinking once I got pregnant. It took him until about 20 weeks into the pregnancy to quit but then about 2 weeks after she was born he started up again. He will NEVER quit unless he truely wants to (which to me it doesn't sound like he does).
It is no longer about you and him and what you are willing to put up with it is about your child as well and do you really want to raise him/her in that situation? Do you want your child to think its okay to punch holes in the wall and toss mom around and be mean to everyone? Do you want your child to wonder why its father always smells weird and can never act like a normal person.
No you don't. I'm sorry and I know that you really want it to work out... but men never change and it would be easier to leave now then stay in the situation. It will continue to get worse and worse. I stayed until my boyfriend threw me while holding my daughter and broke stuff. Which scared her and she started screaming (only 3 months at the time). He had to go to jail for it. It took me sending him to jail to finally decide to leave the situation. I hope that you can be smarter than me in this situation.
It is no longer about you and him and what you are willing to put up with it is about your child as well and do you really want to raise him/her in that situation? Do you want your child to think its okay to punch holes in the wall and toss mom around and be mean to everyone? Do you want your child to wonder why its father always smells weird and can never act like a normal person.
No you don't. I'm sorry and I know that you really want it to work out... but men never change and it would be easier to leave now then stay in the situation. It will continue to get worse and worse. I stayed until my boyfriend threw me while holding my daughter and broke stuff. Which scared her and she started screaming (only 3 months at the time). He had to go to jail for it. It took me sending him to jail to finally decide to leave the situation. I hope that you can be smarter than me in this situation.
no I quit b/c I got sick of the hangover **** and b/c my baby doesn't deserve to have problems b/c of that. When I am around him it makes me see what a ******* he is and how he looks and I do not want to drink.
you pack your things up when hes away. go to a friends house. he will call and ask where you r. dont even tell him. tell him he needs to get help otherwise you and your unborn baby are gone. hell do an intervention.
There is NO WAY that I would bring a child into a situation like that. Also you said you were drinking everyday too (but quit) if you stay with someone that drinks you will be more liekly to start drinking again.
I have told him that before and so now he doesn't believe me b/c I always go back, plus he always has the excuse "I will not drink tomorrow" I am just going to somehow figure out how to do this. Yes I can pack and stuff while he is at work, the problem is finding somewhere to go. :(
what am I suppost to do if he changes completely?
what am I suppost to do if he changes completely?
i really think its an easy answer. LEAVE HIM. you two will be much better off without him. he never should have put his hands on you. my babys father was absusive and didnt even drink. its not about you. its not about him. its about your baby. you need to do whats right for your baby and have a save enviornment for your child.
if i were you it would be
a) im leaving
or
b) you go to rehab
if i were you it would be
a) im leaving
or
b) you go to rehab
I absolutely agree with hopefulmommy2007.
I know you want there to be something that miraculously makes him "realize" what he's doing. The more you enable him to abuse alcohol, you and your unborn baby, the less likely he will ever get better. You can't make him not drink. You can't control his anger. You can't just hope that something will click. I don't want to sound cruel, but it is very naive and dangerous to wait around for him to get it together. Very simply, he loves alcohol more than he loves you and his child. I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve help. I'm saying you're in no position to put him first. If anything, he's a distant third to your health and your baby's health and I'd hope you have enough faith in yourself and enough dignity to not need a bad man in your life and get out on your own for the sake of your baby.
Doing it while he's at work is a great idea. Get a network together of people who are there to support you and back you up.
I know you want there to be something that miraculously makes him "realize" what he's doing. The more you enable him to abuse alcohol, you and your unborn baby, the less likely he will ever get better. You can't make him not drink. You can't control his anger. You can't just hope that something will click. I don't want to sound cruel, but it is very naive and dangerous to wait around for him to get it together. Very simply, he loves alcohol more than he loves you and his child. I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve help. I'm saying you're in no position to put him first. If anything, he's a distant third to your health and your baby's health and I'd hope you have enough faith in yourself and enough dignity to not need a bad man in your life and get out on your own for the sake of your baby.
Doing it while he's at work is a great idea. Get a network together of people who are there to support you and back you up.
Sounds to me like you need to get out. Wait and do it while he is at work. Find a friend or someone that can help you get all your stuff that you absolutely have to have out of the house and get you somewhere he wont be able to find you. I am sure you love him a lot, but it is NOT SAFE for you or your baby to be there unless he gets help. Honestly, you really need to find a way out. Plan it over the next week and do it while he is at work so he cant attack you. Just make sure you have some help. I had to do the same thing. Though, I had some of his friends there and our mutual friends there when I moved my stuff out because I knew he would not leave for me to get my stuff. Good luck to you!!!
yes I agree. I just really do not know how to go about doing all of this on my own. It makes me so damn nervous. I for some reason think that when he see' the sonogram that maybe it will hit him. May 23rd I will find out if I am having a boy or girl. It is like he knows I am pregnant but it seems that it hasn't hit him yet. He stares at my stomach all the time but as soon as the beer goes down it is like we are enemies. I know that I need to leave and that he needs help. I just would like him to realize what he is doing wrong. When we talk when he is sober he understands everything and says he needs to quit and doesn't want me to leave but then drinking makes him a completely different person.
i agree with jnaz......i've got a rule in my house(though i've NEVER worried DF would touch me), but just in case....
*if you ever touch me, you better hope you don't leave and go to sleep somewhere and i have a 1/4 tank of gas...*-me
*why's that? where would you go*-df
*with a 1/4 tank of gas and you being w/in 50 miles, i can kill you, and leave, go to the police station and ill take whatever they give me*-me
that's the rule in our house.....if i've got a 1/4 tank of gas, don't go to sleep!
although it's more of a joke, cos chris wouldnt spank his kids, much less hit someone esp me!
*if you ever touch me, you better hope you don't leave and go to sleep somewhere and i have a 1/4 tank of gas...*-me
*why's that? where would you go*-df
*with a 1/4 tank of gas and you being w/in 50 miles, i can kill you, and leave, go to the police station and ill take whatever they give me*-me
that's the rule in our house.....if i've got a 1/4 tank of gas, don't go to sleep!
although it's more of a joke, cos chris wouldnt spank his kids, much less hit someone esp me!
It's hard enough to be pregnant and face motherhood without the stress of being in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. Your safety and your baby's safety need to be priority number one. Alcoholism is a disease and like all diseases, it doesn't go away on its own. It needs treatment and intervention- not just a locked door between the two of you.
You don't owe him anything for the support he may have shown you through your panic attacks for the last eight years. Do you understand? NOTHING. The minute you put him before your well being and your child's well being is giving an abusive alcoholic license to continue to mistreat you. You know you can't bring a helpless, dependent newborn into that type of environment. As difficult as having your living situation be uprooted and having to crash on couches or mooch off friends may seem, the possibility that someday he may turn on his own child physically should be enough for you to gather your things and get out before he does some serious damage.
You don't owe him anything for the support he may have shown you through your panic attacks for the last eight years. Do you understand? NOTHING. The minute you put him before your well being and your child's well being is giving an abusive alcoholic license to continue to mistreat you. You know you can't bring a helpless, dependent newborn into that type of environment. As difficult as having your living situation be uprooted and having to crash on couches or mooch off friends may seem, the possibility that someday he may turn on his own child physically should be enough for you to gather your things and get out before he does some serious damage.
I am in a really tough spot right now. We live together and the only thing I can do when he acts this way which is every night is to go to my friends house. She says that I can stay as long as I want but I feel that I am possibly getting in the way. She says no but I need to figure out how to move out of my house. He keeps saying that when the baby is here he will be completely different but I do not think so due to the fact he will not go a day without drinking. He has an excuse for everyday to drink. Mon-Friday... "I had a hard day at work, and you just sat at home." Sat and Sunday... "it is the weekend, everyone drinks on the weekend." his hand is so swollen from punching stuff that his friend asked what happened and he didn't say anything so his friend asked me and I said he hit a punching bag. I should have just told the truth, but then his friends probably wouldn't talk to him. I sometimes have to call his mom and let her know what he is doing, and when he gets on the phone he changes his actions and tone, and she tells him that I need to relax. She doesn't drink and is the most calm person in the world but somehow he makes her and everyone else think it is me and only me. His mom tells him to quit drinking but he doesn't. He says the reason why he punches stuff and hit me was b/c I slapped him. What happened...
he would do stupid stuff like start drinking early around noon or something. Anyone else can start at noon and not let themselves get drunk, but Rusty will drink and drink untill he slurs alot and walks sideways and acts stupid. So he would start drinking early and I would get irritated and I would ask why he is drinking and he says that he wont get drunk that he is stressed. So I just stay away and then it gets to the point that he cant walk straight and that he wants to use my car and I say no. He gets mad and gets in my face and I tell him to get out of my face and I tell him to leave me alone and to get out of the room I am in and he says no and to make him. I will try to shut the door but he slams it open and gets in my face again so I slapped him and he elbowed the door 3 times, then finally I was able to shut the door and lock it and he bust it down and had a beer in his hand and I took it from him and poured it out and before it was all out he grabbed it back and poured it on me and threw it across the room, then punched a hole in the wall.
Everyone tells me to leave him but I just do not know how, b/c we live together and I have had severe panic attacks for 8 years and he has done most of everything for me and now he has got violent. I just feel stuck
he would do stupid stuff like start drinking early around noon or something. Anyone else can start at noon and not let themselves get drunk, but Rusty will drink and drink untill he slurs alot and walks sideways and acts stupid. So he would start drinking early and I would get irritated and I would ask why he is drinking and he says that he wont get drunk that he is stressed. So I just stay away and then it gets to the point that he cant walk straight and that he wants to use my car and I say no. He gets mad and gets in my face and I tell him to get out of my face and I tell him to leave me alone and to get out of the room I am in and he says no and to make him. I will try to shut the door but he slams it open and gets in my face again so I slapped him and he elbowed the door 3 times, then finally I was able to shut the door and lock it and he bust it down and had a beer in his hand and I took it from him and poured it out and before it was all out he grabbed it back and poured it on me and threw it across the room, then punched a hole in the wall.
Everyone tells me to leave him but I just do not know how, b/c we live together and I have had severe panic attacks for 8 years and he has done most of everything for me and now he has got violent. I just feel stuck
girrrrrrl, you really need to leave him.....because this is a man who if he were to switch to liquer rathen than beer, you'd really have a problem....and if he's already hit you , he will do it again.....i'm sorry, but you can no longer worry about his problem, only how it will affect you and your child, and if he's not showing any signs of stopping, he won't.....and it seems like he's treating that as "your problem" not "our child".....you really need to get out of the situation, as alot of girls will tell you, it never gets better, it only gets worse.....
This is not just about the 2 of you anymore.Having came from a family of alcoholics,I know about the addiction. If he is not going to stop now he never will,as when the baby comes it is going to be a very stressful time. If he has hit you once then he will probably do it again? I know you love him,but the baby is your priority now. You know what needs to be done. The choice is the baby or the booze.
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