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Avatar universal

3 months postpartum, Pregnant again...Advice needed please!!!

Hello all, I'm new here :) I'm 22 years old, I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship and her father is no longer involved, and I have accepted that. I've been with my current bf for 3 years, and we just had our first child together 3 months ago, and we were both very happy. Like any relationship we have our ups & downs, but our relationship is kind of crazy, there has been some physical abuse, infidelity on his part A LOT especially since the birth of our daughter, and he's been staying with me about a month before I had our daughter. Also ever since we had the baby, he acts differently towards my other daughter and I don't like it all, he shows her no attention and I can tell he thinks shes in the way. He doesn't help out financially, he helps out somewhat w/ the baby but I have a lot of doubts about this relationship and trust issues, were always on & off. I also got laid off right before my daughter was born, luckily I had money saved to pay the rent up some and am currently only receiving unemployment...so things have been kind of rough lately.

So I found out 2 weeks ago that I am prego AGAIN. No I am not proud of it, but what's done is done. I have been VERY stressed bc I simply do not know if I should have the baby. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I'm so worried about what people will think of me, me having 3 kids so young. I was just getting comfortable with having 2. My bf just tells me to get rid of it but its not that easy, some days he talks about keeping it but he's just as confused as I am. The main reason why its so hard to just get an abortion is bc a month before I got pregnant with my youngest I was 5 months along with another baby girl but my doctor advised that I have an emergency D&C due to severe depression and it was going to harm me & the baby, having them stick a needle in my stomach and carry around a dead fetus until the next day was torture, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, so I promised I would never have an abortion. I'm just so lost, confused, and sad. My question is what should I do? Has anyone gotten pregnant soon after giving birth? Any input is appreciated, but if your going to judge me negatively please keep your comment to yourself. You do not know me or lived in my shoes so please keep that in mind, Thanks!
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Avatar universal
I am happier without him, bc when I'm with him I'm so worried about is he cheating on me, is he lying, is he gonna get mad today...that's not normal, I watched my mother go through this, and I realize that watching her go through it has effected me more than I thought. But its that fear of letting go of something so comfortable in your life that gets me everytime,but I'm determined to change this through therapy.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@Mrs_bagz yea he did say that I was harming my baby, I was 21 weeks along, and I knew no better...I trusted his word but I regret it deeply. And thanks, I've been looking into adoption the past couple days.
@proudmami3 yea that's true friends are supposed to stick by u through anything but ny friends are just pretty fed up w/ me and my bf and I don't blame them....but they don't have to worry bout him anymore, I don't deserve to be physically or mentally abused, cheated on, lied to, and both my daughters deserve much more. Thanks for the advice ladies :) it has helped.
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1806883 tn?1458321004
You really need him to stay well away from you for a while, so you can get a clear head, and be able to think without all the emotion and chaos that is around the two of you, then you should be able to see things clearer, and you maywell find it alot easier with him out of the picture, and it will be more stable for you and your children which is what they need :)
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your input...what's he's doing to my oldest daughter is completely wrong, he doesn't see what he's doing to her mentally..that's why I know as a mother I have to remove us all from the situation. No pun intended btw, I do have some growing up to do its not all his fault, and as far as contraceptives I was scheduled to get the 5 year iud but I was too late. I do take some of the blame for not being responsible enough...I feel horrible for puttin my girls through this madness. I've tried having an adult discussion with him about it and he just tells me to get rid of it, but won't help me at all to pay for it. As of now I have broken up w/ him, I have a lot of thinking to do.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And to answer your question... You shouldn't have an abortion. F*** what others think... If you don't want to take care of 3 babies.. or just can't.. give it up for adoption. There's so many women out there that absolutely can't get pregnant and would LOVE to be your baby's mother. Guaranteed.
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Avatar universal
Wait, your doctor advised you to have an emergency D&&C JUST because of depression?! That's absolutely ridiculous... And that doctor shouldn't be a doctor.
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Avatar universal
Oh another thing as far as ur friends saying have an abortion all mine did too but I didn't listen if there really ur friends they will be there for u no matter what
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Avatar universal
Yea my babies dads are not in there life's. Either the one I'm carrying is but u do not need a Guy around to have kids especially if there is abuse those kids don't need to see that and u definitely don't need it just make the best decision for u and the kids
Helpful - 0
1806883 tn?1458321004
There are plenty of real men out there who would love you and love your children with no problems, My husband took me and 6 kids on and we have added another 4, he treats them all the same, and considers them all his children. Do not let that fear keep you in an unhealthy relationship, remember it is you and your children that must come first. Have faith in your ability as a mum :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This is a very personal decision. You know the outcome of having unprotected sex...
BUT being in your situation I would be confused to. I do not see it wrong to have children young if you are financially and emotionally stable with your partner. I am 24 and I just hd my 4th baby in July. But I have been with my husband for 10 years and it has been tough. With alot of kicks in the behind he has grown into a man. We were young ( I was 15 and he was 16 when we had our first son) when my son was born and it takes alot for a "boy" to mature over night the way us women have to. What he's doing to your daughter is WRONG. Completely without and excuses. Theres no reason for it. She didn't ask to be put in the situation and you as her mother need to protect her. And as for your current pregnancy thats a tough one. I do not believe in abortion. It's wrong in my opinion, but everyone has to make choices based on whats in the best interest of everyone. I would definitly sit down with him and have a serious talk about your situation together. He needs to grow up. He has two little girls that look up to him and another on the way. I know deep down NO MAN wants his daughter to grow up thinking it's ok to be cheated on or hit on by a man. I know my husband wouldn't. Both of you have some serious growing up to do. No offense what so ever. But why keep having children with someone that doesnt repsect you enough to only lay down with you and not put his hands on you? And I'm sorry but he could be the sweetest guy in the world but if he's not going to provide for his family then why have him around? Even if I was working I would still expect my husband to work and help with HIS children. I have my nursing degree and my husband still doesnt want me to work. You are worth so much more than what he's giving you. I hope you figure out what you need to do. Good Luck.
Helpful - 0
1815473 tn?1336171200
Can't give advise on the relationship issue because in the end is you who is going to make a decision and you will know when you had enough of the bull in it. But as for the baby, I honestly understand your situation but you have the option to have the baby and put her/him for adoption. Adoption is the best thing you can do. You don't need to abort a life, your financial status will be your currents daughters & well the rest you will know what to do... :) God bless you ma and don't discourage, seek guidance in God because he will guide you through situations like this. I know because I had lived his amazing miracles!  
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Avatar universal
All my friends think I'm crazy and say I'm not ready for another baby, that I need to get an abortion, and these are ppl that know me well and know my situation...my family says I can do it but at the end of the day its just me that will be providing for them besides the little bit of help they're father might give, and I take care of my oldest completely by myself...I'm not confident that I can do it....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think that would be best for me and my kids as well, just walking away from him until he matures a little. That's not fair to my oldest at all and its so childish of him to even make a little girl feel like that smh. I just hope, and I know one day it will happen, that I will find someone that will accept me with 3 children...that's a fear of mine. But for now I will just focus on me and my little ones.
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290867 tn?1333569278
I don't have any advice on the relationship issue but do what's best for yourself and kids. I have a 4 month old almost 5 months and am 11 weeks pregnant. I also have a 3 year old!!!!
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1806883 tn?1458321004
I made the decision not to have my childrens father in their lives, for just that reason, and for the fact that he was unrealiable and for me which one is worse for the child, to have an unreliable "father"in the picture who always lets them down tec, having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster when they get hurt yet again, at least they werent exposed to this, and I feel have grown up all the better for it emotionally. you children only need a mgood male figure in their lives, that can be a close friend, father, grandparent it doesnt have to be the "father"especially if hes not a good role model, and plays emotional games and is making one feel left out....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@Stacey10 you made some really good points, I know this is not a healthy relationship...its just hard when you feel like you have no one else to lean on, it just makes it easier to settle, you know? I feel terrible for my oldest daughter bc she doesn't have a relationship w/ her father and she sees her little sister have this relationship w/ her dad and I can tell she's craving for that male attention, I'm just afraid on how it will effect her. And yes, I'm in the process of looking for a therapist to talk to bc this is definitely taking an emotional toll on me, these past 2 years since the emergency d&c have been a nonstop ride. Thanks again for the input :)
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your input :) yea I'm pretty scared on the financial aspect, I know its possible, its just overwhelming. I commend you also for taking on that challenge!
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1806883 tn?1458321004
yes it will be hard for a while but have faith in yourself, with my first four my eldest had just turned five in june and I gave birth to my 4th in august, I too was not in a good relationship, I soon learnt that I and my children were better off on my own,as I could put all my enery into them and myself, not wasting ienergy on a relationship that wasnt working. Also you do not want your eldest daughter being made to feel different as this will cause her emotional probs later, and could cause her to have jelousy issues with your new baby, which you dont want. Your daughter deserves better. So do you. I would re-visit another health care provider in regards to your depression, in case it returns, to inform yourself, if there are any safe madications to take for depression while pregnant, and I'm sure you will find that there are, so if you feel you are going down that track again, you can get on them asap, good luck and cograt on your new bub and pregnancy :)
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Avatar universal
Well I'm 23 on my third child I'm 23 weeks. My daughter will be five in Halloween ans my son will be four in January there only 14 months apart my daughter was five months old when I got pregnant with my son so I'm telling u if you put your mind to it u can do it I am also not financialy set but I figure it out I hope this helps
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