Disgusted. This can't be normal!?

[Lilsis90]

I know this could stir some people up, but I have always been this was.  I am 20 years old married to a 27 year old man whom I love dearly.  He wants kids, I don't.  It's not just that I don't want kids, but the idea of being pregnant DISGUSTS me.  
No matter how hard I try, I cannot get excited about the possibility of being pregnant, about having something live inside me.  It reminds me of a parasite.  I hate the pregnant woman look, I hate the thought of not being in control of my mood and being sick.  The sound of a crying baby makes my skin crawl.  I can be around other people's kid, but I can never bring myself to touch or hold them.
I know my husband is at the age to have the urge to start a family, and he know's that I don't want to, but I don't think he know's to what extent.  I'm afraid to tell him how I really feel.
Basically, I'm asking what is wrong with me!  I know this is not normal, and I don't care to hear, "That will change once you're actually pregnant!", because it won't...It didn't last time.
I NEED HELP and I just need to know that someone read this so I'm not TOTALLY ALONE.

[punkinspie]

I know I'm months waaaay late. But I'm 29, and in the same boat as you. I've terminated my pregnancy for the same reasons you listed. After scouring the internet about my absolute revulsion to being pregnant, I came across TOKOPHOBIA. An actual condition that some women, like myself and likely you, suffer from. It's a true, unwavering fear and dread of pregnancy and child brith. I've been adamant my entire life about not bearing children. I want a family, but I'd sooner die than carry one myself. I find it revolting, disgusting, undignified and horrible. (argue with me if you wish about it being natural, it won't change how I feel about it) I have no desire to ever go through with it. So, anyone who tells you that you'll feel dfferently when you get older, or when you hold your child for the first time, just doesn't understand. Talk to your hubby about adoption or getting a surrogate down the line. And feel better.

[NicMom]

I didn't read the above comments, but thought I would chime in. The counseling would be great for you and for dh to get on the same page with your long term goals for the relationship. As far as changing your mind about having kids I honestly just don't think it's for everyone. I have a few friends that feel the same way you do and I think that's ok. Being a mom is a hard job that lasts the rest of your life. If it's not something you want don't feel guilty about it. Lot's of women don't have kids. Maybe you guys end up adopting later you never know. Good luck with the counseling!

[Lilsis90]

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has responded and given their two cents and opinions.  Also, as soon as I can swallow my pride and admit that I might need help, I do plan to get some courage and seek counseling.
But, I would like to add that my husband is not an unreasonable man, nor am I and unreasonable woman.  He is very level headed and I do believe now that with some work, we should be able to reach a compromise, and plan to have this conversation as soon as he get back from his TDY, (stupid military, giving me time to think about this).
Lastly, I would like to clear up that I really don't think that these feeling are spurred from terminating my last pregnancy, as I have felt the same way BEFORE I was ever pregnant.  Either way,counseling certainly can't hurt, right?

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I can't really say that I understand some of your feelings.  I have known of many women not wanting to be mothers but to be disgusted by it seems a bit different to me.  But that's just me.  So I'd like to agree with all that suggested counseling.

As far as your husband goes...as Clysta and Ashelen said, (maybe others too), if it were the other way around, I'd say your husband was being unfair to you...I mean to expect you never to have children.  So I think it would be unfair to your husband to not be totally honest about your feelings as well.  Just as you said you think you could resent him and a child, should you have one feeling forced, he could have those same feelings for you by not getting the children he wants.  If he REALLY wants kids, I truly believe it would only be a matter of time honestly.  

You are certainly entitled to not want kids, but your husband is entitled to want them as well.  I understand that you told him how you feel, but it may be worth revisiting the subject because even if he had agreed at some point, he always has the right to change his mind, as do you.  He also shouldn't assume that you will change your mind in the future, so I def think having another discussion about it, may be a good idea.

Anyway, I know you said that this was more about pregnancy and less about advice on your marriage, but we do that all the time around here :)

[Ashelen]

yeah it does make sense...and that's exactly what I was saying. remorse and guilt and shame are all normal reactions - becoming disgusted with pregnancy is not so much a normal reaction. Not that it's necessarily wrong, mind you, but I would honestly recommend some counseling to resolve whatever issue is plaguing you.

[Clysta]

Hard to say. I can honestly say you're the first person I've ever talked to that has not felt bad at all about what they did. I do however think you need to reconsider your marriage and seek counseling about what you do feel. There could be buried emotions that make you think the way you do.

If you are sure you don't want children and he does, it's not fair to him to have to give in--just as it wouldn't be for you. You do however need to make sure you are always using proper precaution before sex. Abortion is NOT birth control.

[Lilsis90]

@ ashelen and vacuumprincess
I am fairly certain that I don't feel guilty about terminating my previous pregnancy, but after thinking about it a bit, I may feel bad about not feeling bad about it. Does that make any sense? That said, I ABSOLUTELY do not question that it was the right move for me. Bt could these feelings come from being remorseful for not being remorseful?

[Minigingerbread]

Sweetie you're not crazy. I think you're being far more responsible than some kids out there wanting to make babies, or too stupid/lazy to practise birth control. Nothing is worse than bringing an innocent life to the world, and then abuse him/deprive him of his needs.
The problem here seems to be serious communication break down between your husband and you. From what I read, he seems a bit childish. When you had made it clear you do not want children, he thought 'you didn't mean it', and married you anyway. I will have to say he is not mature enough to be a husband and a father. 27 is still considered young to father a child.
You may change, or you may not. Either way you're entitled to your choice. But don't have a baby just to satisfy someone. Have it because you're ready and want to!

[tryingfor1sttime815]

I felt the same way with my first and she was unplanned and not expected.  I never touched my belly like pg women do and I hated the fact that I was limited in things I could do.  I felt like my body wasn't mine.  I was 24 when I got pg and I was not ready.  The moment I held her in my arms for the first time was an instant bond and I was instantly happy and in love with the baby that I hated inside my body.  I am pg for the 2nd time now (it took me 6 years to even want another one) and this time planned.  I was thinking this would be different and I would love pregnancy but I don't yet again.  I am trying to enjoy it more but I still get wierded out.  I tell my dr that I have pre partum depression.  I had to get on antidepressants the first time and more than likely will have to start them again this time.  All I have to say is, it is worth it.  My first baby changed my life for the better and I know that once this baby is born I will again have the best feeling ever.  BTW I love labor and get an instant natural high from childbirth.  Yeah I know I am wierd.  :)  Good luck, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.  What ever you decide just know you are not alone.

[Ashelen]

I'm very sorry you're dealing with all of this...I'll respond to your most recent post so I don't have to go back over everything you've already said with the the ladies, who have some awesome advice and experiencing.

I know it stinks, because you ARE so young, but I really think you need to decide if you will ever want children or not. I mean,I know you can't know for sure, but you need to not strong your husband along with "maybe in 5 years...maybe in 10..." if you have such strong feelings of disgust and inadequacy surrounding pregnancy. if you truly feel that you will never be able to have children, and he very much wants children, you may have to part ways...for both of your happiness. he deserves someone who will have the same life goals as him, including children, and you deserve someone who has YOUR same life goals, someone who doesn't make you feel inadequate wanting children when YOU don't.

That being said...I really think you need to seek some counseling. I think you have some PTSD, to be honest, surrounding the termination, even though you seem to have handled the actual decision fairly well. You are suffering from anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, revulsion...very strong feelings after the termination, when quite frankly guilt and shame are a more common reaction. NOT that there's anythin wrong with your reaction, but it's atypical, which leads me to believe that you are having a reaction that requires some professional attention. not with a psychologist who is going to convince you to have kids, but with someone who can help you overcome the feelings that are lingering from what happened...someone who can sit down with you and your husband and bring you to a place where you are both happy with the future you are planning and where neither of you feels like the other is wanting something drastically different from the other - or who can help you let go if you need to part ways.

I really really can't stress how much I think you should see a counselor, and then you and your husband as well once you've sorted through your own feelings. there's nothing WRONG with your feelings..but I do think that you can be more at peace with them, and yourself, and your husband, with some professional counseling.

good luck

(haha just glanced up and saw that vaccuum recommended the same thing...great minds think alike)

[vacuumprincess]

There is definately no reason to feel inadequate as a woman because you do not want children.  I know a few women who are pushing 40 (close to my age)  who don't have children & don't ever want to.  That doesn't make their lives inadequate.  You can have a very fufilling life with or without children.  That is your choice.  it doesn't make your choices at all wrong in any way.  Why do some women feel such a strong desire to have children in the first place??  probably from hormones that make some not want any.  everyone is different.

I do feel however, that perhaps you feel some guilt from terminating a pregnancy that you were not ready for.  I think maybe having experienced this you are totally freaked out by the idea of pregnancy & children.  Regardless of if you ever want children or not, I think it would be benificial to speak with a counsler, therapist of some sort of support group.  

[Lilsis90]

All this is all spurred from my speculation that I might be pregnant, so it has been brought up recently, but I quickly try to change the subject.  I was pregnant, once before, by my husband, and though he claims to be pro-choice, he did not take easily to my choice to terminate the pregnancy.  Because of that, I think that an adopted or foster child might not suffice for him.  And because of that, I fell inadequate that I cannot bring myself to have a child.

[sweetpea03]

That's something you have to talk to your husband about. My fiance is 10 years older than I am, but we've discussed at length about what we want, goals, and when we think this will all happen. I love children, but we are waiting until I at least finish getting my degree before thinking about a family. He is fine with waiting and know that it comes with this kind of a relationship, with there being an age gap. He's ready to have a family now, but I'm still in school and it's not the right time for us. I've told him a number of times before we got engaged, that if he wants children soon that maybe being with me wouldn't be the best, but he's willing to wait. It's not exactly an easy discussion to have, but you have to talk to your husband about this topic. He needs to know where you stand, so that you both can talk about this, open and honestly. There is no such thing as pre-partum deprssion, but you may have depression or guilt over not wanting a child when your husband does. I do hope that you don't get pregnant when you don't want to just to make him happy. That's not a life you would want and there could be hurt and resentment later on. Talk to him about this tonight and see how it goes. Just be honest about how you feel and say you don't know if you'll want children later, but you are definitely not ready to have children now. Hope it goes well.

[NicoleW09]

Some women are born knowing that they want to be mother's; some women grow into wanting to have a family, and other's never do. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Although, saying that pregnancy disgusts you is a little...strong, I suppose. I would definitely give some thought into seeing a counselor or something to see if there is some underlying reason as to why you feel so strongly about never wanting children. I remember being a toddler and carrying my babies around with me and telling my mom that I couldn't wait to be a "real mommy." I always knew that I wanted children and when I was pregnant with my daughter, it was a hard pregnancy. I said I'd never have anymore, but my daughter is almost 6 months old and I find myself wanting another in the future.

You really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel about children and pregnancy. You are married and he's not going to just up and leave you for this. You do need to tell him how you feel and see if time changes your mind or if there's anyway you can compromise. Although, I don't believe you should be made to have children if you feel this strongly, even if you think he's going to leave you over it.

[vacuumprincess]

You should definately not feel guilty about your feelings of having children.  I wish I had the answer for you.  You can't & shouldn't pretent to be something you are not.  nor should you change for other people.

Could it be that maybe your husband realizes  that you are in no way ready to have a family?  Has he mentioned children / babies / pregnancy recently?

Could you picture yourself down the road fostering or adopting older children?  that way you could have the baby years behind you & you could be contributing to the future of kids who really need you.  You get to pick the age that you can handle.    Love runs so much deeper than blood.  You do not have to be blood related to love a child like they were your own.  My now husband accepcted my 6 yr old like she is his own.  As far as either of them are concerned he IS her father.  Could you picture yourself ... say 5- 10 yrs down the road with a 10-12 yr old?  How do you think your husband would feel about that?

[Lilsis90]

Wow, this has turned more into a marriage forum than a pregnancy one!  Nonetheless, I do appreciate your input and would like to ask your (and everyones) opinion.  How do you compromise in this situation, him being ready for a family and me not even close?
Every time I read a reply and reply myself I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger and guilt, just thinking about it.  Could this be pre-pre-partum depression?  Does that even exist?

[vacuumprincess]

I can't even imagine myself getting excited  to have children at 20 yrs old.  You have about the next 40 years.  there is no rush.  you may want them later on, you may not.

You stated that your husband is 27 & ready to start thinking about a family.  He need to remember that you are only 20 & can't even imagine the idea.  While you do need to respect the fact that he wants them, he needs to respect the fact that you don't...  At least not now.  I re- read the other posts & didn't realize that you HAD told him you didn't want childern.

[Lilsis90]

I'm not keeping it from him.  He KNOWS that I have no interest in children right now, but is convinced that it will change once I actually have a child in my arms, but I truly feel that's simply not the case.  I know that there are parents out there that resent their babies, and I am terrified that I will be one of those people.  No kid deserves that.

[vacuumprincess]

There is nothing wrong with you.  You definately have the right to feel the way you do.

You are very young.  your thoughts on this may change, but they may not.  However, it is unfair to keep this from your husband.  You need to talk about this.

if when you are older & babies still make you feel queezy, maybe you could adopt or foster older childern & have a family that way.

I have a 6 yr old.  I'm currently almost 38 weeks pregnant.  The thought of this baby scares & embarasses the heck out of me.  I do not like to hold newborns either.  I'm afraid I will break them!  Some issues I will have to get over.  When I had my daughter 6 yrs ago, I didn't think twice about picking her up.  instinct just kicks in & I'm sure it will for me this time too.

[Lilsis90]

I'm concerned that if I sit down and talk about it with him, that he might think that he's just wasting his time and move on to someone who does want to have kids.  I'm not saying that I NEVER want children, but right now, I can't even pretend to get excited at the thought.  But even 5 years down the line might be too much of a wait for him.  I cannot fathom life without him and that makes me feel completely helpless.

[sweetpea03]

It's okay to not want children, but you do need to tell your husband about this, so that he can figure out what to do. Deciding on whether or not to have children is a big deal and it's important to be on the same page as your spouse as to where you stand on this issue. I know couples who are in their 40s and never had children because neither wanted any and they are completely happy. Some others changed their minds down the road, and others relationships ended because one really wanted children and the other didn't. I do think that you really need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about all of this and then you can figure out where to go from there.  

[Lilsis90]

Others have mentioned it before but it's really hard cope the thought that I might have anxiety issues.  I am terrified that if I give in and have a kid for my husband that I will end up resenting both of them, medicated or not.

[witchcop69]

lots of people feel like you do i was pregnant and didnt like it i have problems bonding with my son who is now 6 years old i found out i am suffering from severe anxiety that caused this feelings i am on medication and it is helping. hope this helps

[alaysha]

Before I was ever pregnant the thought of having something living inside of me freaked me out. Even when I was pregnant I sometimes just didn't want to feel anything because feeling movement inside of you that you cant control is a very surreal feeling and not something that necessarily all people like. And trust me when I say that even if you don't like other peoples children it will COMPLETELY change when you have your own child. I don't really like children but I like my own. You are still so young and I'm sure if you spoke to your husband about your feelings he would understand. I also think that it may be beneficial to get some sort of counseling so that maybe it can help you deal with your feelings.