I'm weired out on breast feeding now..help!

Question

I need help cause I'm weired out and I don't know what to do.  I'm pregnant with my third child...I have a 8 year old and a 3 year old and both by different fathers who left while I was pregnant and was never involed...so the whole having a baby with a man that sticks around is a new concept to me.  I mentioned to him the other day that I wanted to breastfeed this baby.  I only breast feed my son for 2 weeks because I started college when he was 3 weeks old and pumping would have just been to much for me at the time.  I couldn't breastfeed my 3 year old because I was very sick with cancer when I had her...well I'm better now and not in school and this time breast feeing is something I want to do...so I mention it to him...and he said well thats a great thing but I want you to breast feed for my own selfish reasons....i was like what???  he says and I quote "besides seeing you breastfeeding out baby is a thing I want to see for selfish reasons.  I find it to be an intensely erotic image for me.  I hope it won't bother you but I will want to hold you while you do it."   well guess what??? it bothers me.  Does anyone else find this to be a weird situation??  I really don't know what to think.  It makes the whole thing very uncomfortable for me now and I think thats a shame.  So do I have to worry about not wanting to do it now cause I'm gonna be uncomfortable knowing he gets a hard on everytime I just need to feed my baby??  It weird..I just need someone to help me....and I freaked out for nothing???  Its really weird for me...how is that an "intensely erotic image?"  please ladies...help me make sence of this...its really making me think twice now and I think thats a shame...and will i have to worry about my baby with him??  And I feel bad for thinking that....but that really unsettles me and maybe i'm just being a prude, but I need some opinions here...thanks in advance.

devine76 · Answer

i would keep a close eye and be aware that nothing is going on with him and your other children look for signs as im sure your aware. i don't meen to scare you but its not normal thinking??? i wouldn't give him the benefit of doub,t cos you,d always be thinking of what he said. im not sure where your from but here in the uk you can check people out to make sure there not on sex affenders registers or if he's been in trouble b4. or ask people who no him and there thoughts. good luck...

vbilger · Answer

Also, the dead cat at the bottom of the lake picture (I read that part after I commented) could just be an overly active imagination or something she saw on tv. No doubt the throwing a drink at youshould have been addressed, but children act out in many different ways when they feel threatened by someone new coming into their life. Also, maybe she purposely drew that to freak you out! Kiddos can be smart ya know.

vbilger · Answer

If this is the only weird thing he's ever said, maybe he just likes breasts, and it's more interestig than erotic to him. He could have simply said the wrong word. I'm a linguist, and I know a lot of ppl get flustered when talking about something so important to them, so maybe he just chose the wrong word. Also, maybe it's more that he just wants to be involved in the process. Many men feel alienated from that kin of intimacy that a breastfeeding mother and baby share and by him holding you, he somehow gets to be involved as well. I actually think that part is sweet. I'm not saying there's no cause for concern, but no one seems to be giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he chose the wrong word. I would not leave him and keep him away from his child solely on that comment, but if there's more to the story, it could be different. Just another point of view to consider.

LauraB78 · Answer

Ummmm, run.. That is VERY disturbing. I am sorry.. How long were you together before you got pregnant?

expectingandhopeful · Answer

My partner has boobs obsession, and just LOVES the boobs. He collects pictures of breasts and is fascinated how different they are in each woman and finds it beautiful. There are MANY men that would love to watch their women breastfeed their babies and get excited. They will never tell you because of the public opinion on the topic or just the way their wife asks them about their opinion. I bet if you actually suggested it to your man he would be thrilled and find you very erotic and fascinating. Personnaly I haven't had that experience. My ex husband was all weirded out about me breastfeeding and would leave the room, which always hurt my feelings!!! I would not be concerned about the baby being alone with him. It's not the baby that he finds erotic!!! I'm sure he would understand if you say that you don't feel comfortable and still love you the same way.

coffeebuzzedliz · Answer

Maybe the breast feeding obsession steams from that fact that he didn't have a mom in his life, being put in foster care can be really difficult for some children. I don't think what he is saying is OK but I would ask him more about it. Let him know that you are not comfortable with it and let him know this is about feeding your child and NOTHING to do with getting him off......i would be very wierded out by this and would probably not do it in front of him. I would be going into the other room or using a cover, or pumping and feeding the baby with bottles. 
You are 3 months into your pregnancy, which means NOW is the time to evaluate this relationship and figure out what is going on. You need to address it now before you are ready to pop and life gets to crazy to address this. Good Luck!

snagglepuss1 · Answer

Wow that is scary the pic his daughter drew! definitely a cause for concern! My mum always says you can tell alot about a childs life by the pictures they draw, i think its very true and her mother should be doing something to deal with it now, like you say before the child maybe moves onto doing it for real with animals (which is apparently how killers start) 
Hmmmm, it's your decision, but I think I'd be heading out of that door pronto!
I also have 2 step-sons and if they'd ever done anything like that to me, throwing drinks at me, boy their dad would have hit the roof!

RangersWife · Answer

i would like our relationship to work, BUT my children will ALWAYS come first, even if he is the one who fathered one of them.  I kinda feel like this whole family is weird now...he is a 44 year old war veteran with postramatic stress syndrome and ADHD.  He does have a 10 year old daughter from his exwife.  She doesn't speak to me as she lives in CT and we live in MS.  I have meet his daughter and I can't say that I am very fond of her, not that I didn't try.  (We both meet in CT, but moved to MS....I was there for medical treatment for a couple of mnths when we meet, so I did get to spend weekends with this child for a about 3 mnths).  Like I said she is 10 years old...she has a very bad problem with her temper and pouting.  (I have both a 8 and 3 year old, neither of my children pout because they know I will not tolerate it...even the 3 year old).  She has come up to me while I was doing laundry alone...said my name and then thrown drinks on me and run away laughing.  (I would have been motified if it was one of my children doing that and I simply would not have allowed it)  I did tell him about the incident and he said he would address it, but never really did.  The thing about her that disturbed me the most..was one day when we where sitting at the kitchen table, the three of us and his brother, and she drew a picture.  No one in fluenced her, but the child choose to draw a picture of a dead cat at the bottom of a lake.  That set off red flags with me...thats serial killler crap to me.  No one else present thought that was odd in anyway.  I'm not trying to brag, but to show a difference between the children and how they are raised...the same weekend his daughter is drawing dead cats at the bottom of lakes, my son was at a silent protest to support a fallen soilder, his family, and protest the westbro churchs presence there.  But like I said we have moved, so I don't really have to worry about that much anymore for now.  It does consern me a great deal in regaurds to our children ever meeting, I don't believe I will ever be able to leave my children and his daughter alone together for any reason.  I think she needs to be in counsiling and I have mentioned that to him.  So I'm not so sure about this family....its sad.  Then this thing with him...i don't know...i'm torn

missyjmoo · Answer

Sorry it ** out when i wrote - p.e.d.o.p.h.i.l.e-ish..

missyjmoo · Answer

P.s my bf thinks this is *********-ish behaviour and he would be very concerned to leave a baby in the hands who thinks of babies like this and I think I agree..

missyjmoo · Answer

I myself find this strange and will ask my bf what he thinks on this comment!! I know I would be freaked out and concerned.. I have heard however some men find it a turn on being around that kind of intimit care.. Iv also read on here women have been "turned on" breastfeeding because again it is so intimat!! I can't see it myself but each to their own I suppose.. I think you sound pretty set on not having a future with this guy and for perfectly reasonable explanation! I myself would be worried.. Good luck!

RangersWife · Answer

Thank you ladies.

@ misslollipop  no, he has never had an obsession with boobs to my knowledge..never paid anymore or less attention to them then any other man I've been with.  If anything to me he has an obcession with oral sex in my opinion.  I know for a fact he was not breast feed as a baby himself.  When he was 3 weeks old his mother literally got up and walked out on him and never came back...he was put into foster care.

@ smjmekg  don't worry, it grosses me out too.  I asked my best friend what she thought of it and all she could say was "ewww".  I don't think she knew what to say herself and I don't know if she was trying to be nice in keeping her tongue.  I just want honest answers so that I do what is best for my children, nothing more...but most important honest answers.  I guess I will have to approch him on the subject again...and ask him why its an erotic thing for him...cause now if i don't I'll have to keep guess in my head and I don't guess I will get anywhere benifical in doing that...

smjmekg · Answer

UM...yuck! Sorry but that's my first response. I'd ask him exactly why he finds breast feeding "erotic" first off, is it just it turns him on to see the mother of his child doing what nature intended or is it because of some other (really hoping it's not) sick fantasy...I mean, that would really worry me, I'm paranoid about stuff like that, I'd be like keeping the baby away from him without supervision paranoid. Not trying to scare you, but whenever a man thinks in any sexual way that involves a baby I worry. To me that's just plain gross. BUT maybe it's just like I said him being turned on by you caring for his child and the love that's there between mother and child.

misslollipop · Answer

I just read your post and yes i find that some what weird too, and asked dh about it and his response was very unusual but on the other hand asked if your dh has an obsession with boobs by any chance.. saying that a lot of men who are breastfed when young tend to have an obsession with breast which tends to be a strong influence sexually, see when my dh and I are intimate he said he would love to touch my breasts but then holds back cause he thinks hang on bubba food here. Do what you think is right by your children and I would be very concerned about that particular comment

snagglepuss1 · Answer

Like you I was abused as a child and I'm the same, I will go to any lengths to make sure it never happens to my own children. I think that it's a good thing he has mentioned it now rather than a few months after baby is born, imagine hoe you'd feel if he'd said it when babe was 4 or 5 months and you'd left the baby with him numerous times!
My dh also used to look at porn and it wasn't my thing either (after he split with his ex and when we just met he was at his worst, I told him a few months into our relationship I wasn't comfortable with it and he did gradually stop to the point he hasn't done it for years now)
But I'm damn sure if he had ever said anything like that to me when I was pregnant I would have been extremely worried and had to consider being on my own.
I really do hope other people comment so you can see that it is nothing to do with being a prude, it's plain wrong and I really hope you find the best solution for you and your kids!

RangersWife · Answer

wow...well thank you so much...i hope to get as many view on this as possible, but I also that you for asking your dh his opinion too.  My man does have a thing for porn which has never been my thing personally, but I never really had a problem with it or thought twice about it...He has never asked or implied he wanted to be treated like a baby himself, though like you I have heard of that and this its really weird.  We have only been together 7 mnths so far and I'm 3 mnths pregnant, so the more I'm finding out the more I'm getting conserned.  I have alot of sexual abuse in my past even as a child and this is something I have always worried about with my own children.  I don't want to think he would be capable of that, but I also don't want to ignore something that could be harmful to my children.  I was really alarmed when he said that but didn't want to spend too much time in my head and be unreasonalbe...so I decided I would bring it here to get some more opinions.  I love him, but I will do ANYTHING to protect my children from the things I had to go through and NO man is worth that to me, no matter how much I love him.  It did raise some red flags for me.  And I would have never thought that...so I'm creeped out that he told me, but I'm glad it came out now and I can ask around and get advice because I don't think I would have know what to do if it would have just happened in the future when the baby is here.  I don't want to just leave him for no reason...but if i'm honest that kinda scares me...i don't see how that is erotic...and what makes it erotic?  and do i have to worry about my kids with this person????  i don't know, i just want to do whats right for my children...i'm kinda hurt and very confused by this... :(

snagglepuss1 · Answer

Omg yes that is VERY weird! i would be EXACTLY the same if my dh said the same to me when I breastfed our babies! 
And yes I think I would be super worried about leaving the baby alone with him after that statement, to the point it wouldn't happen! 
Nothing prudish about it at all, a mother breastfeeding her baby is the most natural, beautiful thing so I cannot understand why it would be seen as erotic? 
Btw I have just asked my dh what he thinks and he immediately came back with that is definitely not right....not to offend...he then said he doesn't want to be treated like a big baby does he, I can't see the thrill myself but people do enjoy the whole adult becomes a baby roleplay.
Either way YES you are right to be very concerned!