Me ranting again.. I HATE MY EX!

[LauraB78]

Well, 2 weeks, he hasn't returned one call...

I went over there today to ask what his intentions were..

He said "I don't want to talk to, see, or hear from you, until paternity is established.."

And closed the door in my face... twice.

I am emotionally wrecked. I am devastated and scared. I know this child was not planned, in fact when we found out we were expecting, we were no longer together anymore (I had moved out, he terminated the relationship).

I don't know how to pertend it doesn't hurt that I am in a situation where the Father of my child doubts he is the father and this leaves me to do everything (including all dr. appointments, labor, and perparation) alone.. I have not been with anyone else in over a year. He is infuriating and hurts my feelings

I have been stressed this entire pregnancy and have yet to have a day where I feel happy..

I am totally hopeless and looking for reassurance/advice.. Thanks.

Laura

[LauraB78]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. I really do appreciate it..

He is acting incredibly immature.. I am FAR from perfect and I have certainly played parts in arguments, but he is JUST mean. I am exhausted from dealing with him.

I have a tough time b/c when push comes to shove, I DO believe he will be a great Father and I DO believe he and I will have a crummy relationship.. He is too condescending and treats me like a child. I guess at this point, only time will tell.

My next u/s is Aug.7. He has been made aware of the appointment and said he isnt coming (its for the scan and hopefully to find out sex). I will let you know is he decides to show or not. I know I will be sooo upset if he doesnt though.,

[Avanaar]

For a 40+ year old man, he sure is acting like an irresponsible jerk!  More on that in a moment.  =D

My mother had a situation similar to yours when she was pregnant with me.  Her and my biological father had been dating (and obviously doing a little more lol) when she found out she was pregnant.  He and his entire family denied that I was his child.  Luckily, my mom had her family to fall back on for support, and after I was born, she had a paternity test ordered.  He tried to weasel his way out of it a couple times and my mom had to get a court order to get the test done.  Finally, it was proven that I was in fact his biological child.  And it seemed once his parents knew that, and once they got to visit with me, they fell in love.  My "father", on the other hand ...well, let's just say I'm very glad he and my mother never got married or stayed together.

Many of the ladies on here have made a lot of good points.  I like what Stacy said about him not being able to go back and see ultrasounds and the birth if he waits for a paternity test.  However, if your relationship with him is as volatile as it is now, do you really want to be arguing with this man and having doors slammed in your face (and soon yours and your child) for years to come??  I know you want him to be involved in your child's life ...for him/her to know their father ...but from the sounds of it, this isn't a man I'd want my child to know.  He's being irresponsible, childish, and just plain mean.  Yes, his attitude may change when he knows it is biologically his child, but people still don't change that easily.  And his relationship with you still may not get any better even if he is wonderful with your child.  Do you want to spend hours arguing with him over spending time with your child or helping with birthday parties, etc?  

I think, in the long run, you'll spend more time being stressed if you keep him in yours and your child's life then if you just erase him from your life completely.  For the first 10 years of my life, I grew up without a father and am very thankful for it.  My mom ended up marrying a wonderful man who is my *true* father ...he adopted me when I was 10 and has treated my like his own flesh and blood.  I hope you have a happy ending like my mother did!!  Lots of love and luck to you!!  *big hugs*

[StacyCPHT]

Okay.. I have kinda been through this from the outside..and inside. I am also 30 and Les my love has an ex. Talk about a testament to NOT having that one last romp in the hay... 1mo after their break up she came to get stuff and they hula'd... and she conceived. Now SHE , hehe she is lulu nutso cracra whack! and that was in Sept 05 he and I got together in april 06 and I wound up trying to talk to her and calm her and tell her how she could improve their communication, they already had 1 son together so somthin had to give. She had said to him, I don't see how this could even be your baby we haven't been together like that! (then wondered why he questioned paternity???? )(and she slept around ALOT)From his side (which I heard plenty) He was A) scared, it is hard to parent a new baby when you are together and not OMG. B) She had acted so crazy -broke in house attacked him and a lesbian friend of his with a crowbar!- He didn't want anything more than ness to do with her! C)  He did not want to be hurt. These guys really bond, it is shocking how emotional they can really be! He didn't want ot bind wiht the baby and get his heart broken, there was a real block in going to appts with her because they fought so bad, BUT he took the high road and was there when the baby was born and I hope your man does too. I finally got them to talk and I told him, look. It MAY NOT be your child, Going to an appt , being there at birth DOES NOT mean you are claiming him. Just think WHAT IF it is... and you missed all of this. HOW will you feel knowing you missed these moments. You can always back out if the pat test says it's not but you can't go back in time and see that birth again, watch that u/s again etc. it's gone. history. The important thing is You KNOW who baby's father is and you KNOW that when that pat test comes back he will be eating his words.. (perhaps you could have a bottle of ketchup ready to help them go down) He is only hurting himself because Millions of women have done this alone and you have all of us here. We understand, love and support you. A man could never understand what being preg is like, it's like being taken hostage by an infant for 9-10 mos... And ya know what NO man has ever made a baby alone so... I'd just write him a note ... may be a little bit of ....OK buddy you have 2 choices here, one that will enrich your life and one that will suk. 1) suk it up and be there if we find the child not to be yours you've done a good deed congrats, no harm no foul we don;t even have to talk your loss a few hours of life. If he is proven to be yours look at all of the wonderful things you didn't miss and memories you will have, we will work together to raise him. OR 2) Don't be there. now and don't bother later. When it is proven he is yours I'll be happy to send you the bill and a bill every month for the next 18yrs. Since you're not man enough to be there physically I;ll be sure you provide a great life for your child and find a real man to be in my life, my child is the only child I have room to play games with. I can raise him fine by my self and you can write a check way to go dad of the year. and when you child is old enough.... He/.she gets the FULL disclosure and how to get in touch with ya so they can tell you themselves how much they appreciate your absence. Good luck chica!

[jesslee83]

hehe.....geriatric.....haha.....well, ya know, in 10 years, he'll wish he had that 40 year old "Hot Mamma" lol.....

martike-girl my father was the same way....well, he left the day i was born and my mom married my brothers father 7 months later.....when i was 16, i eventually worked up the nerve to call him myself....i know there is 2 sides to every story, but it got to where he would say my stepdad's family "hid" me from him....which was proven untrue when i went to his house, and my stepmom(his wife), showed me the album she had put together with all the pictures my mammaw(bro's granma), had sent.....also, i was born nearly black due to our indian heritage, and he said i wasn't his, and attempted to sell me to a upper class couple across town(yes, it is true....i found the reports and even contacted the couple later!!!  they were very upset at the time, but were very glad i'd technically had a good life!)

[LauraB78]

I don't have family that can help me, unfortunately..

I asked my physician about paternity testing prior to birth and he said no. It is too invasive and carries too many risks..

I hope he does change and is a good father.. He is a decent man.. He just really hates me..

Jesselee.. My "mature age" made me laugh.. If I am "mature" age, then the baby's father is geriatric.. (he is 43 and will be 44 when the baby arrives) I am not being sassy, promise.. It just literally made me laugh out loud,, =)

Martika - I am so very sorry your father acted that way.. What a load of BS!

[martikadragoon]

Do YOU have any family nearby who can help you go thru this?

I'm really sorry about your situation, and believe me, Once it's proved that this is his baby, I HIGHLY doubt things will change. At least once paternity is proved, you can go after his butt for child support.

The other posters are right about how it'll be YOUR EX who is getting the 20 questions about why he left you, from your child.

I know growing up that's what I wanted to ask my biological father. (he left shortly after I was born after he saw I have my skin problem and claimed a child of his cant have it... BS)

[jesslee83]

i'm really sorry you're going through this.....for about a week, i thought i would have to go through this also.....DF's brother was telling their family i was having a black child(i'm not being controversial!), and ithought chris hadn't heard that "rumor" b/c he was offshore when i was told.....there was also a YOUNGER girl in his h'town saying the same thing?(funny, she's too young to have net hisbrother!).....but, because of my personality and other things, apparently chris had never mentioned this to me because he knew better.....(i'm not racist, my God father is black, i just don't date/sleep w/black men).....

usually, i'm not a fan of ANY tests that have to be performed "through" the sac or of women running to the child support office(personal views lol), but i'd go ahead and get one done now, and when it shows he is the father, have the state arrange for him to pay back the testing costs, and slap his @$$ with c/s as soon as that baby leaves the hospital....at your mature age, this man  knew what was going on, and now that you are preg, wants nothing to do with you or this child b/c of OTHER people.....i know you want him in your child's life...when i left chris for 6 weeks in march, i made it a very huge point to tell chris i wouldnt ask for cs, if he'd be involved with the child(b/c of his prev c/s obligations), and as long as he did his best to keep incontact, with visits, and help when he could....if he didnt think he could do that or he wanted to "pretend" it wasn't his child, i'd find my own means and resources to ensure he never really had a "3rd child".....but then, as hormones and anger goes, i was wrong in saying that latter part....i guess i'm lucky to the extent that he knows me better.....

again, i'm very sorry you have to go through all of this especially now.....but, you're child will understand one day, and your ex will be the one who's getting drilled by his child, asking "wtf were you???"

[sexyhot_dandy]

honey  u are not the only one and will not be the only one. my little cam cam father left me when i was early pregnant before 6 wks. i didnt hear from this man til April. i conceived my son in October of 2007. i  was almost 7 mths. i was alone, depressed and had to do everythin alone. i felt bad but wat could i do. how is acting high and mighty. this is first child. his family  is telli him how my son isnt his and do a paternity test. i could care less. i tell him to tell of them so call people to  kiss my a********** and go f******* themsleves. i can be crazy.

as long as he supports my son that all i care about. Laura it's goin to be a struggle but hold up ur head and do wat u have to do for ur baby. if  he wants the test let him pay for it. when it comes back he is the father tell him where to get off at in a polite  way. dont get stressed out because of him. i was goin crazy about the way my in-laws are actin but i said to hell wid them people. my son needs me and i dont have time  to listen to  them sick people.

take care of ur child. the Lord will see u through. he did for me and i knwo he will for u.

[shadowserpent]

id try and get the paternity test you can get while pregnant and taht way he wont be able to deny it is his child, and youll know if hes just using that as an excuse to get out of being a real dad!

[LauraB78]

We live in MA.. His family lives all over the place and I have never even met them. In the 9 months we lived together, they never came for a visit.

I tried to talk to him today, he wouldn't talk to me and shut the door in my face.. twice..

I appreciate the kind words.. Trust me, I have tried to be the "bigger" person and levelheaded and he just cannpot stand to be around me.. Our child will suffer for this. It;s sad.

And Lynda, What do you mean "off the radar?" I WANT him to be involved w/ his child. I want ouyr child to grow up knowing its' Father... I was just confused by that statement

[lynda544]

Once your baby is born, he/she is all you will care about. I can't imagine going through what you are. I am so sorry. You are creating life and that life deserves love and admiration. Your Ex does not sound capable of giving you or the baby that right now. I think writing him a long letter stating your true feelings and desires sounds like a good idea.  After that, I would try to focus on the baby and the miracle that is growing inside of you. Believe me, once the baby is born he will be off the radar screen.

[msgorgeous]

Im sorry that you have to go through this especialy being pregnant. im sure its really hard. but your a strong person and i know you will get through this. your not alone we are all here for you. it sux that we are not able to actually go with you to the doctors appointments. all we have to help you is are words believe me if i lived near you i would do everything i could to help you:) I would write a letter to your ex stating all your true feelings about everything that has to do with you and the baby and him. that way you will be able to get everything out that you want to say to him with out him closing the door in your face or hanging up on you or avoiding you and you could send it to his house or drop it off. heck you dont even have to give it to him. I know it will help you sort out your feelings i wish you the best of luck:)

[sweetangel7]

Are you close with his family at all?  IF so, maybe getting talking to them might help?  Perhaps you could get an amniocentesis paternity test so that you don't have to go the whole pregnancy 'alone' and he'll know it is his before the birth so he can change his tune...BUT like you said, it does sound like this is out of control...have you tried broaching the subject of this with your ex..."This has gotten out of hand, we've both said some things we didn't mean...can we start over on this relationship as partners/friends..."

[LauraB78]

No, that was me. But that was said out of anger, and that has been re-iterated to death w. him that I only said that b/c I was (am) incresinly angry with him. I definitely don't want him to miss the birth of his child. I am human. I do say things out anger..

I am Jewish and there is no temple on island. And "groups" are nothing that interest me on this tiny island.. Everyone knows when you poop around here, I definitely do not want to join a "public" group.

I have only had 2 sessions w/ my therapist so far and he says the ex sounds incredibly self serving and self centered (both true). But that doesnt help me get used to the idea that my ex is going to actually wait for a freaking UN-NECESSARY paternity test and he is going to offer me no type of support (emotional, financial.. nada) until he "knows." I wish you all knew me and knew him, you would know how ridiculous a paternity test truly is. I feel like I should be on friggen Jerry Springer or something.. This situation has gotton WAY out of control and I have no idea what to do about it.


You didnt sound nasty. I am just at my wits end...

[sweetangel7]

What does your therapist say about this?  I don't think anyone expects you to pretend it doesn't hurt BUT (I'm not trying to sound nasty...) isn't this what you wanted in a way?  Didn't you tell him that you didn't want to see or hear from him until after the baby was born?  I might not be thinking of the right person, but I thought that you had told him something along those lines?  I know you said you don't have any friends or family in the area but have you looked to see if there were any support groups around or maybe a church group to reach out to so you don't feel so alone and you have some resources to help you along when things get rough like this?  

[Rosa20]

oh hunny..im so sorrry you are having to go through this..you know god gave us the privilage to give birth and be pregnant because he knows that we are strong enough to do it...as much as everything seems that its crasihng down on you and that it will never get better.,.trust me when i say this..it will get better! With or without him..think about it...if hes being an *** why would you want to be with someone that ddenys the paternity of his child anyways...i know thats easy for me to say because im not in your situation...but i think your better off...this guy seems like a complete ***! I wouldnt even bother with him...dont talk to him...dont even bother to contact him and i bet he'll come around and want to talk with you! Think about it..your not even with him and hes finding ways to stress you out....i think your much better off..things always work out in the end...do you have any family or friends that could help you?? If you do i think you should turn to them for support...family is often the better support anyways! Good luck hunny..if you need to talk let me know!