OT-->Need some advice please.

[HeatherLynB]

I know this is nothing pregnancy related, but alot of people post in this forum so i was hoping to get some feedback.

DH family is always calling my daughter by her middle name, which comes from his side of the family..not my idea, but i had to compromise. They know it annoys me and i have stated several time that her name is such n such. Then they always comment on pictures of my daughter that i tag my husband in saying..."wow she looks just like so n so" always someone from their family. Or "our family has strong genes cause she looks like daddy" they havent met my daughter yet, since they live in a different country, but even in pictures my daughter looks like me. I dont mind if she looks like my husband, because i love my husband, but she is the spitting image of me and my family doesnt ever say "she looks like so n so in our family" or "we have strong genes!" Or when someone comments on a picture of my daughter and says she looks like me, one of his family members comments and says "no she looks like her dad" im just like "seriously" i didnt think it would bother me so much, but it does. Ive told my husband and all he says is "why dont you just delete them then!" with an attitude. I try to be nice, since we are planning to visit them next year and i dont want to be singled out, but i dont know how much of this nonsense i can take. Then his cousin made a negative comment about me puting my husband on a healthier diet plan, i told her it wasnt really her business and she continued to leave smarta** comments. I told my husband his cousin was annoying and he just said to "leave it alone or delete your comment so it doesnt pop up in ur notifications!" again with an attitude. I mean why doesnt he stand up for me or atleast have my back. I feel like he is always siding with his family and my feelings dont matter. But when i confront him about it he gets all mad and somehow turns it into "youre crazy and its all in your head" but when my sisters say something that offends him, he crys wolf to me. One time his ex wrote me this BS message about how im a wh0re and blah blah and then writes him telling him congrats on the pregnancy and i wish the best for you and your little family...when i told him about the message she sent me he told me "i dont want any part of this!" Ok i didnt even know her and that was the very first time she ever wrote me and YES he was part of it because he dated her! I will never forget that.

Do you think im turning things around in my head to make me think people are out to hurt my feelings? i feel like im going crazy =(

[HeatherLynB]

Thank you. I know what you mean with never defend your decisions...i try to nonchalantly say something in a way that it wont start a debate or cause them to argue over something with me. I try to make it to where they dont know if i meant it in a rude way or a funny way. Sometimes i feel like they purposely try to get a rise out of me. I told my husband that if this is how its going to be with his family, then me and our kids wont be going on that family trip with him and he can go by himself. Of course he gets mad, but i dont know what else to say. He wont stick up for me and yes i agree with him just jokingly sticking up for me but he wont even do that! Its like he avoids the whole comment and tries to change the subject. I try not to let things bother me and when my friends or our mututal friends say she looks like her daddy i just say yes she does and smile.

[Ashelen]

Btw by "never EVER defend your decisions" I mean that you have absolutely no obligation to defend your choices. If someone in his family has a problem with you, that's THEIR problem. don't bother defending things or an argument might ensue...just trust yourself, smile, and move on.

[Ashelen]

Well..here's my take on it...

the cousin making rude comments - that could just be a personality thing. every family has a few jerks.

making the comments about "baby looks like so and so" or "our genes are so strong because baby looks just like so and so"....well...my husband's family does this too. It irritated me for awhile, but now I just smile and agree. At least for my Dh's family, it's their way of letting me know that they're proud that our kids are a part of their family. after all....I would worry if they were saying "your son looks nothing like our family at all...I don't see any family resemblances"....get what I mean? LOL

so honestly I'd just overlook that. My soon looks just like me, but everyone in my husband's family swears that he looks like so and so's great-grand uncle or something...and my daughter's curly hair CAN'T be from my recently immigrated irish family..must be back 20 generations on the paternal grandmother's side...lol....but you see...just shrug it off.

However...the one big problem I see here is your husband not standing up for you. If someone in his family is rude, he needs to be a man and not necessarily make a big stink and cause family strife, but perhaps a joking "Hey my wife is always looking out for my health...I appreciate it"....would be appropriate.

I've come to learn that a woman always must have many sides...and one of those sides is reserved solely for conservative, stuffy, never-changing in-laws and family-by-marriage. You're not likely to change them...your husband COULD put in some nice words if you're getting bullied, but as far as escaping their obnoxiousness..it probably won't happen. So sometimes when it comes to in-laws the best thing to do is to put on a smile, agree with what they say (unless you REALLY disagree at which point you should say "Well, that's interesting. I don't thinkI feel the same way, but I can understand why you might"....and never..EVER...defend your decisions. when one of my husband's family says something that hints that they disagree with how I parent or the choices I make, I just shrug and smile and say "maybe you're right...we'll have to see how it goes".

Sorry you feel singled out....I hope that the family can learn to chill out by the time you go visit them..but like I said...I wouldn't count on it. Count, instead, on learning to just shake your head and smile. And getting hubby to grow a pair and defend his wife once in awhile, lol...