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OT how would you feel?
Me and my fiance have been together for almost 3 years now. He moved in with me and my parents about 8 months ago when I became pregnant. I miscarried but he never moved out. I have been very happy with this. Today he told me that he was going to go look for an apartment to share with his best friend, who can be quite mean to me at times but in person is perfectly nice. He did not mention me coming with him at all...Sundays are the days that he is supposed to spend with me and last night he went to another friends house that just got back from Iraq. I didn't care that he went but he said he would be home at midnight. Well midnight rolled around but no df...I called and called..but he never answered. I didnt even get ahold of him at all. He came in this morning around 10 am. We were supposed to get up early and go kayaking..but that never happened. I was upset with him but I let it go. Now he tells me this..and I just feel so unimportant. How would you feel if the man you loved just decided to move out after you've been sleeping in the same bed for so long? I hate sleeping without him now...I told him that he should go do it on Tuesday which is the day he normally hangs out with his best friend. I said "Don't do something on the day were supposed to share that will probably break my heart" Then I walked out and haven't talked to him. He's in the other room right now but I feel like I would cry if I looked at him. I love him more then anything and I understand that he doesn't want to live in my parents house, but what about me? He can't even afford to move out...what should I do? He doesn't want to end the relationship, but I don't know what to do? I can't imagine having a good relationship if he goes through with this. Were supposed to get married and start our life together and he wants to move away from me..How would you feel? Did I react normal? I don't know what to do...
I posted this on the other forum you had the post on but this seems more active, please read it and take it to heart. I don't think you should wait for it to 'blow over' because in my experience waiting like that doesn't help, and unless a situation is improved nothing will happen.
I also disagree with the comments along the lines of "It is perfectly normal for your fiance to want to get out of your parents house but it just doesn't seem normal nor mature nor reflective of an engaged man to want to get an apartment with a 'buddy'." With your ages in mind, IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL for a guy to behave that way. It really, really is. Many people do not get engaged until much later in life after they have each lived on their own for a while and grown up, so please remember this.
I want to say something important that hasn't been mentioned yet that I hope you will understand. You and your fiance are both very young and you are going through a situation many couples go through around this age, myself included. When couples get together young, and at the time that they do so, you often have lots of things in common. Around the age 19-21 however, people start changing in life experiences and personality and are not always so compatible. I am not saying all is lost with your partner, but that this is very very common and there are a couple things to consider.
You mention his immaturity is challenging right now. For one thing, males tend to mature at a slower rate then females and living with your parents and being treated as a child (given chores etc) is not helping him grow up. Sometimes people only really grow up when they move out, start paying bills and live and adult lifestyle. The freedom makes you make good and bad choices, but that is part of gaining life experience. Additionally, the more life experience you have, the more you can give to a relationship, especially in maturity.
It sounds like the fighting over little things (pizza and possessions) is out of a character and a sure sign that he especially needs some freedom. I think that if you decide to stay together, you need to understand that he is not moving in with his friend because he wants to get away from you because he doesn't love you anymore, but that he needs to grow up on his own. Its hard for women to not mother their partner sometimes, it is a natural thing for us to do to people we care about. My advice to you is to not fuss over him moving out, and don't worry about whether or not he can afford it. That is his business and he needs to be an adult and figure out how he is going to pay his bills.
I don't advice you to break up with him unlike other people on this board, because I have been in your shoes, almost EXACT. When I was 21 and had been with my boyfriend of 3.5 years, we began behaving almost the same way you describe you and your partner to be. Fighting over small things, inconsideration, etc. We realized we did not have the same love we once had, even though we cared about each other very much and that we should live apart. I was determined that it shouldn't be over, because it didn't FEEL over. Over the span of 3-4 months that we took a break, we decided that while we would not date other people, we would spend less time apart, and more time to grow up. We each took a separate holiday from each other at the end of that time and upon return it was evident that lots had changed (ourselves included) and we did not desire to be with anyone else.
Space is the best thing you can give your partner. It shows trust and understanding, and makes the times that you do see your partner very exciting. You may find that the space makes you realize you don't have much in common anymore or don't have the same life plans. But no matter what it won't do as much harm as crying and forcing a relationship. My advice is if you do take space, choose to not seek out other relationships (sexual or otherwise) during that time. It can REALLY confuse how you feel about dating and your partner. If you approach the situation maturely and confidently, you will get through it ok no matter the circumstances. Try not to get upset over the things he does, or if he breaks a date/promise. Men can be flaky (sorry guys!) and women can be really oversensitive (sorry gals!). Great combination, LOL!
Good luck and hope things work out for you both, don't forget that there is nothing wrong with you or your partner changing. It is bound to happen at some point in adulthood, try your best to be tolerant and positive.
I also disagree with the comments along the lines of "It is perfectly normal for your fiance to want to get out of your parents house but it just doesn't seem normal nor mature nor reflective of an engaged man to want to get an apartment with a 'buddy'." With your ages in mind, IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL for a guy to behave that way. It really, really is. Many people do not get engaged until much later in life after they have each lived on their own for a while and grown up, so please remember this.
I want to say something important that hasn't been mentioned yet that I hope you will understand. You and your fiance are both very young and you are going through a situation many couples go through around this age, myself included. When couples get together young, and at the time that they do so, you often have lots of things in common. Around the age 19-21 however, people start changing in life experiences and personality and are not always so compatible. I am not saying all is lost with your partner, but that this is very very common and there are a couple things to consider.
You mention his immaturity is challenging right now. For one thing, males tend to mature at a slower rate then females and living with your parents and being treated as a child (given chores etc) is not helping him grow up. Sometimes people only really grow up when they move out, start paying bills and live and adult lifestyle. The freedom makes you make good and bad choices, but that is part of gaining life experience. Additionally, the more life experience you have, the more you can give to a relationship, especially in maturity.
It sounds like the fighting over little things (pizza and possessions) is out of a character and a sure sign that he especially needs some freedom. I think that if you decide to stay together, you need to understand that he is not moving in with his friend because he wants to get away from you because he doesn't love you anymore, but that he needs to grow up on his own. Its hard for women to not mother their partner sometimes, it is a natural thing for us to do to people we care about. My advice to you is to not fuss over him moving out, and don't worry about whether or not he can afford it. That is his business and he needs to be an adult and figure out how he is going to pay his bills.
I don't advice you to break up with him unlike other people on this board, because I have been in your shoes, almost EXACT. When I was 21 and had been with my boyfriend of 3.5 years, we began behaving almost the same way you describe you and your partner to be. Fighting over small things, inconsideration, etc. We realized we did not have the same love we once had, even though we cared about each other very much and that we should live apart. I was determined that it shouldn't be over, because it didn't FEEL over. Over the span of 3-4 months that we took a break, we decided that while we would not date other people, we would spend less time apart, and more time to grow up. We each took a separate holiday from each other at the end of that time and upon return it was evident that lots had changed (ourselves included) and we did not desire to be with anyone else.
Space is the best thing you can give your partner. It shows trust and understanding, and makes the times that you do see your partner very exciting. You may find that the space makes you realize you don't have much in common anymore or don't have the same life plans. But no matter what it won't do as much harm as crying and forcing a relationship. My advice is if you do take space, choose to not seek out other relationships (sexual or otherwise) during that time. It can REALLY confuse how you feel about dating and your partner. If you approach the situation maturely and confidently, you will get through it ok no matter the circumstances. Try not to get upset over the things he does, or if he breaks a date/promise. Men can be flaky (sorry guys!) and women can be really oversensitive (sorry gals!). Great combination, LOL!
Good luck and hope things work out for you both, don't forget that there is nothing wrong with you or your partner changing. It is bound to happen at some point in adulthood, try your best to be tolerant and positive.
It sounds like ur the mature one in the relationship and trust one of you has to got to be or your doomed for failure. Me and my DH have been together 3yrs also married for 1 and just like u and some others here we have been living w/his parents for the last 2yrs!! She is ready to throw us out and i been ready to run for the past year but trusting my DH and knowing my past of just having one crappy apt after the other i have given him the time needed to fix our house and now were supposed to be moving in 2 wks!! (i think more like 6 though). Its so rough to live w/other people and deal w/all the mess but waiting is so worth it!! Having our own house w/no mortgage is going be nice and i ll have the space to myself im looking forward to it. Trust you instincts and if u say u need to wait for the place then wait dont rush it or you ll be like i used to be and wind up never owning anything!!
We had a talk last night. He said he was just mad about everything yesterday. He said that the little things I did were just adding to it, but he's okay now. He had a very bad past so I don't think he was every taught how to communicate properly. This is the longest relationship he has been in. The one before me was my friend and she cheated on him like 4 times. The one before her was the most meaningful(besides me) and he was in love with her but she wasn't a stable person, she had a bad family life. She was really weird. I remember her from school. Not very many people liked her but the ones that did were the misfits of the school (goths and such) she was a misfit herself. She ended up moving to California. He was heartbroken over her but there was nothing he could do. I came into the picture and things were very rocky in the beginning but after leaving me and coming back he decided he wouldn't bother leaving me anymore because he said he felt like nothing without me. He was depressed not having me around so we have been together ever since. Of course we have had a few arguments like this but what relationship doesn't have its hard knocks? So I think were pretty much back to normal. Today is the day he is supposed to hang out with his friend but he stayed at his house on Sunday so I don't know if he's really going to. He probably will but oh well.. I just can't wait for everything to blow over.
Good luck! It sounds like you have your plate full! Perhaps sitting down together and looking at ads for apartments and going to look at them together will make him more excited to move out with you and it might even take a month to find a place...who knows?! BUT I really think that (just my opinion) that he is not ready for any sort of commitment and I would think twice about any choice you make with him in it...the fact that he uses abandonment as his choice of anger management so frequently would scare me...he doesn't seem like he is a stable person and if you move out you won't have your parents and if he keeps taking off on you it will be 10 times more stressful! Well, sorry to sound negative but good luck!
He is still very very young and is probably scared of settling down, ask him what he thinks of the idea of moving out together but dont force it cos he's probably run a mile, guys are good at doing that
I have decided to move out with him if he wants. He made it seem like he wanted to move out ASAP...I think we should wait a couple months and save up for it..but until then...he just hurt my feelings all of yesterday. He put a lot on me in one day...
I am kind of in your position your boyfriends position that is. I'm currently living at my boyfriend house with his parents. I would like to move out sometime within a year hopefully. So maybe he is just tired of living there I honest feel the same way sometimes. Maybe he just need to move out and still loves you but needs his space away from the parents. I understand your boyfriend completely. You two should have at least moved out already after 3 years it's seems clear that he loves you and all so you should at least talk to him about seriously moving out together.
He will be 20 in September.
He used to ask me all the time when we were going to get our own place but he said that I shrug it off. But I do it because we couldn't afford it! I don't want to move out and fail! I feel like I am pretty much ready and can afford it but I don't think he can! That's the only thing about it. I will go anywhere he wants me to but I just want him to be ready for it. Its a big resposibility and he doesn't make too much money. He makes enough to cover the bills he has now with maybe MAYBE 200 after all is said and done each paycheck. His dang jeep takes 75 bucks to fill..and only gets 14 miles to the gallon HIGHWAY!
The thing is, he hasn't even given me the chance to talk about the whole moving out thing...I had a long talk with my mom about the possiblity of us moving out and I feel more comfortable with it now..but he was gone when I went to talk to him and he took off his promise ring and refused to come home and talk. So I am just waiting for him to come home and we can talk about it. We can never stay mad at each other for more then 24 hours. He will be mad at night, sleep on the couch, and the next day he hugs me and tells me he isn't mad anymore and that he loves me. I hope its just one of those!
I always seem to get the worst end of it..
He used to ask me all the time when we were going to get our own place but he said that I shrug it off. But I do it because we couldn't afford it! I don't want to move out and fail! I feel like I am pretty much ready and can afford it but I don't think he can! That's the only thing about it. I will go anywhere he wants me to but I just want him to be ready for it. Its a big resposibility and he doesn't make too much money. He makes enough to cover the bills he has now with maybe MAYBE 200 after all is said and done each paycheck. His dang jeep takes 75 bucks to fill..and only gets 14 miles to the gallon HIGHWAY!
The thing is, he hasn't even given me the chance to talk about the whole moving out thing...I had a long talk with my mom about the possiblity of us moving out and I feel more comfortable with it now..but he was gone when I went to talk to him and he took off his promise ring and refused to come home and talk. So I am just waiting for him to come home and we can talk about it. We can never stay mad at each other for more then 24 hours. He will be mad at night, sleep on the couch, and the next day he hugs me and tells me he isn't mad anymore and that he loves me. I hope its just one of those!
I always seem to get the worst end of it..
Hun i dont want to sound like im being pessamistic but he just sounds like he isnt 100% ready for the whole settling down thing.
My best advice would be to play it cool, let him have his space, its obviously what he needs right now and pressuring him will just push him away from you.
How old is he??
My best advice would be to play it cool, let him have his space, its obviously what he needs right now and pressuring him will just push him away from you.
How old is he??
Men are not that good about talking about their thoughts and feelings and that is half their problem as they keep them bottled up and then flare up at us and make it out as if its our fault! If he has any respect for you then he would tell you why he feels the need to move out all of a sudden and why he has chosen to live with his mate and not you.
Thanks Michelle. He's not very good with his feelings. He doesn't like to talk about what he feels..and he's a stubborn mule about it. I was asking him questions about it last night but he told me that I wasn't going to get an answer. Then he was gone without a moments notice. I didn't even realize he left until I went to the room where he was watching a movie before. I'm so confused by him sometimes. I didn't do anything wrong at all and he kept blowing up at me. He's under a lot of stress though..I just hope we can push it behind us.
Im sorry to hear this! I think you should sit him down and explain to him that you think that you should both be looking at getting your own place not just him. It must be hard living with your parents but if he has done it for the last 8 months then im sure he would cope for another 8 months so you two could save to get your own place. I dont think going to live with his mate is a good idea personally but this isnt my relationship its yours and i really think that you should sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel get it off your chest and explain how hurt you feel and let him explain to you why he feels the need to move out all of a sudden. If my partner said that to me i would give him the ultamatium if he goes to live at his mates then thats it between us or if he stays and we save to get a place together then thats cool and i would commit to that and cut back on things so that we could save quicker to get our own place (But i am a harsh B**ch and i say how i feel without holding back)!!!! My partner will confirm this to you i say what i think regardless of who it is im talking to!!!!! Good luck honey.
He got mad last night and walked out without me knowing he left. He said he didn't want to talk and that he wasn't coming home. I think I just need to let him blow off some steam. I think he's just being immature...my mom said he has been showing that side for the past week. Yesterday was so...on and off. one minute everything was fine the next he was mad...I think he is just really stressed out. My dad ratted on him last night to me about mowing the lawn! I think he heard it and just left..he took off his ring and he only does that when hes really upset. I don't know what I did really but he just kinda exploded at me. I hate when this stuff happens..I have thought about the whole appartment thing and if he wants to move out with me then I will go with him..I just don't think he's ready for it quite yet. To me I will go but I don't care either way. *sighs* hopefully he will be home today and we can just work it out and move on from this.
Is it possible hes maybe a little scared of commitment?
Me and my ex split up after 3 years together and he just wanted to "be single"
He continued seeing me for a year and i am now 26 weeks pregnant but hes just bought a lad pad with his 2 best mates and doesnt wanna know anymore.
He came back because he could and until he was certain what he was wanted he used me and made out that he cared.
Guys suck and are very very selfish. Hes almost 23 and is going to be a dad in a few months and all he cares about is himself, his car, his mates and going out to pull 18 year old girls at the weekend.
Im not saying that your guy is anything like my ex cos hes probably not, but its the same warning signs i got. Maybe you should ask him what he see's happening in the next few years???
Me and my ex split up after 3 years together and he just wanted to "be single"
He continued seeing me for a year and i am now 26 weeks pregnant but hes just bought a lad pad with his 2 best mates and doesnt wanna know anymore.
He came back because he could and until he was certain what he was wanted he used me and made out that he cared.
Guys suck and are very very selfish. Hes almost 23 and is going to be a dad in a few months and all he cares about is himself, his car, his mates and going out to pull 18 year old girls at the weekend.
Im not saying that your guy is anything like my ex cos hes probably not, but its the same warning signs i got. Maybe you should ask him what he see's happening in the next few years???
He may understand your position and that is probably why he wants to move in with his friend. Seems that you understand why he wants to move out, and it seems that he understands why you want to stay. The thing is how are you going to get over your hurt feelings. You may be hurt cause eventhough it'll probably be better to do it that way, you want to feel needed and included and its a fair feeling. Set your feelings aside and think on how it would work out best for you both, and this is probably the best solution for now. Later on, you guys can plan for a better future and see if it works out the living separate situation if it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be, if it works out then you guys will be better off because you will both have worked to make thigns work. Now that aside, I would recommend that you stay with your parents, go to school and do your thing. You will be better off in the future than if you followed him now.
Hes needed to get a better job for over a year! Weve been engaged since our 2nd anniversary. Were waiting until were financially ready to marry..so we can have a nice wedding which we cant afford yet. I told him I would go to the justice of the peace and wait for a while for an actual wedding but he wants a nice one with everyone there...but anyways. I know he wants to get away from my parents. His own dad was charging him rent and he couldnt afford 200 a month there! So he moved in with me for free, just helping around the house and doing anything my parents need. Other then that hes still not financially stable enough. I make more then he does, but I am not in a big hurry to move out. I would if he wanted to, if we found a place. Heck I probably wouldn't care if we moved in with his friend...but I just got kind of upset about how he wants to move in with him and that he didnt even mention me. I will have a talk with him when it becomes more official. He used to ask me when we were getting "OUR" own place...
We don't have pressure from my parents, we have a whole basement to ourselves. We have our own room and bathroom and game room so were content here. I think hes just embarassed about it, which I don't blame him.
If he moved out without me I just don't know if I could stand it. After getting so used to living with him I couldnt imagine my home without him. I would love to move out and be on my own but I would get a lot more put on my shoulders. I work full time and if that was it then that would be okay but I was thinking about going to school. And I wanted to get a new car...and there may be a baby coming into the picture. I may be pregnant...I guess I ovulated later then I thought so I still have a while before I can find out..I jsut don't want to move out then have us fail and have to move back in...
We don't have pressure from my parents, we have a whole basement to ourselves. We have our own room and bathroom and game room so were content here. I think hes just embarassed about it, which I don't blame him.
If he moved out without me I just don't know if I could stand it. After getting so used to living with him I couldnt imagine my home without him. I would love to move out and be on my own but I would get a lot more put on my shoulders. I work full time and if that was it then that would be okay but I was thinking about going to school. And I wanted to get a new car...and there may be a baby coming into the picture. I may be pregnant...I guess I ovulated later then I thought so I still have a while before I can find out..I jsut don't want to move out then have us fail and have to move back in...
I agree totally with the previous posts. I think that it would be too hard to maintain a relationship having your parents constantly there. Maybe he just needs some space to think and work things out in a different and maybe better way. Maybe if he's on his own he might be able to get a better job or study to be able to get married and have a good life with you later. I think that you should let him go and see how things work out. Maybe he's feeling too much pressure from your parents and if he stays longer it might not be good for your relationship either later on.
I would approach him about moving out together. That is a natural step for an engaged couple. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family...then we got engaged about a year later, and then about a year later we moved out on our own. It was hard, and we had a really cheap apartment BUT we did it together. We lived together engaged for a couple of years and then got married and worked toward buying a house. When were you planning on getting married? How long have you been engaged? It is perfectly normal for your fiance to want to get out of your parents house but it just doesn't seem normal nor mature nor reflective of an engaged man to want to get an apartment with a 'buddy'. I would sit down and have a heart to heart and find out what he wants at this time in his life...It may be one of the hardest talks you ever have BUT it is better to get this kinda stuff out in the open. Good luck!
I couldn't even imagine living with my husbands parents - let alone for 8 months! This is a real damper and strain on any relationship even when all parties actually get along. The fact your finance now wants some independence is not particularly surprising - is there a reason why the two of you cant move in together? Is this something you have discussed? Perhaps he assumes you don't want to move out of your parents home.
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