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964234 tn?1331949207

Pregnant after miscarriage... hubby seems distant :(

I didn't know where to post this, but thought I would start with this forum.  As many of you know I had a miscarriage back in June.  This was heartbreaking for not only me, but my husband as well.  My husband had wanted to try for a baby for about a year before I felt I was ready.  We got pregnant within the first month of trying... he was so happy and exicted.  Now I am six weeks pregnant again (we waiting the recommeded three months) but he doesn't seem excited at all.  I know this is what he wanted it was a mutual decision to try again.  I have talked to him about it he said he will accept things no matter what and just doesn't want to be disappointed so he is not getting excited.  It's hurting my feelings (even though he is supportive and will go to the store to get what I am craving ect) but it feels like he is really emotionally detached.  I am feeling really positive about this pregnancy.  Everything is going great so far.  I know there is a risk miscarriage could happen again.  But, I don't want to rob myself and my child of enjoying my pregnancy.  Any suggestions on how I can get hubby to come around?  I know men deal with things differently than women, but I want him on the same page as me :(  Has anyone else gone through this with their hubby?
11 Responses
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964234 tn?1331949207
Thank you all for sharing.  It is nice to know my hubby isn't the only one who lacks showing the emotion in this area.  To all of you who's hubby's have came around all of their gestures are so sweet.  Even thought they still try to act all tough hehe.  I can just hope my husband will be reading to my baby and bringing home little clothes soon.  To all of you who are in the same boat as me hang in there.  Looks like it is just a matter of time before they fall in love with the babies.  My husband is similar with the mentioning of this time around "not working out" or not wanting to go to my appointments (which thickm I demanded just like you said haha).  I think our men are much more gaurded like some of you have said, are better at keeping their distance (because it is not their bodies), and we just have to wait for the moment it becomes real for them.  Best wishes to all of you and your little ones :)
Helpful - 0
470885 tn?1326329037
I haven't gone through a miscarriage, but even my husband was reserving his excitement this pregnancy until we had our first u/s at 12 weeks.  We've seen lots of friends go through not just miscarriages, but stillbirths in the last few months, and it really shook him up.

I'm sure that, as the pregnancy progresses, your husband will come around.  Good luck :-)
Helpful - 0
1134781 tn?1274412982
My husband and I tried for 6 months to get pregnant and when I found out I was in July he was so excited! We talked about names and couldn't wait to tell family. I lost the baby and had a D & C in August and to be honest I think he took it harder than I did mostly because I believe I just felt it and knew it was coming. Anyway I got pregnant in October again, after waiting one cycle, and now whenever I mention the baby he will say something like "yeah if this one works out it will be great!" I understand why he wants to distance himself this time but I am a stronger believer in feeling and acting like everything will be fine and maybe it will! He has even seen the heartbeat this time but I'm hoping once we go again in a couple of weeks and I am 12 weeks he finally seem excited and begin talking about this baby as if we are having and not possibly losing it!
Helpful - 0
548642 tn?1266179652
hell my hubby is still distant with this pregnancy and i will be 12 weeks tomorrow! i demanded he go with me to my appt on monday for another u/s in hopes he will feel okay to care about whats going on! i know when i was pregnant before he was so excited and very cautious as to what all i did! now he just dont care or at least thats how i feel anyways! he has been telling people about me being pregnant and all but he shows no emotion with me! sometimes i wonder if he will ever care! GOOD LUCK HON
Helpful - 0
1085681 tn?1280176627
My husband was the exact same way when we first got pregnant after our miscarriage. It's been 5 months since we had our miscarriage and we've been pregnant for 10 weeks. He still hasn't really gotten excited. At least around me, the guys at work say he is a totally different man. They say he's always nice and happy.(Which is a major change lol) So even though he isn't super excited around me I think heis excited, your husband could be the same way. I think the men are like that because someone at some time told them to be strong for their women so in their heads that translates to show no emotion. I think it's really hard for guys to be excited in the beginning when you aren't showing. At least that's how I feel. Cuz I don't really feel too excited right now, I'm happy but not over the moon at the moment. He'll come around, especially as it gets closer. One day you'll send him somewhere to get something and he'll come back with a little camo onesie. Lol at least that's what mine did. I can assure it will all work out, my husband is king of not showing emotion and even he'll get excited I know it. So I'm sure your hubby will too.
Helpful - 0
1001811 tn?1259861489
My hubby was the same after our 2 miscarriages and even sometimes in the frist trimester would get angry that we got preg again so quickly. I know he did not deal with the miscarriage like I did (I talked about it openly - and he kept it in) and so I think he was terrified that we would go through the same thing again. I am not 24 weeks and so far everything looks good. Hubby and I decided to do a 3D ultrasound and that is when he instantly fell in love and realized that this is real this time and it wont be taken away from him like the last 2 were. He is now reading to the belly, talking to it and taking great care of us when he is home (he is military and away alot). I just kinda left my hubby to deal with his emotions, did not talk about it too often with him, (which was kinda annoying) but I knew he would come around. This is not as real the them as it is for us as we are the ones with all the physical symptoms. I am sure hubby just wants to know that you and baby will be ok. Stay positive hun, take time to enjoy your first trimester and in no time you will have hubby on board with you again :)  HUgs!
Helpful - 0
1056865 tn?1325808785
Have u had a sit down and really let him know u need his support? My husband acted the same way but this is our first. I couldn't understand why and I just let him be. He's now starting to come around but it's something he did on his own. i even stopped talking aboutbaby stuff and he eventually started talking about stuff. Its still very new and scary but just allow things to happen day by day. Pray about it and for him.
Helpful - 0
964234 tn?1331949207
Thanks JoyRenee!
That is a good way to look at it.... I do understand.  
I think you are right about him seeing the heartbeat.... if I can ever get him to go the doc with me (see my post above).  I think he may be afraid because we saw the heartbeat with my last pregnancy as well (at 7 weeks it died at 8 weeks and we didn't find out until I was almost 12 week).  I guess I will just leave him be, and maybe tell a close friend or two so I can have support when I go to the doctors.  
Helpful - 0
964234 tn?1331949207
Thank you for your reply.  I want to tell you that I am very sorry for what you are going through.  I still get upset about my miscarriage (what was suppose to be my due date is approaching).  
I try to understand where my husband is coming from.  I had the one conversation with him, but try to give him his space and respect the way he feels.  Part of me understands, but I can't live everyday during this pregnancy thinking it is not going to work out and not be excited about it.  Especially, because I dream of my baby every night and see him (it's a boy).  I did not have one dream last time I was pregnant???  
I think the part that hurts my feelings is he has no interest in coming to my appointments (I saw the heartbeat for the first time yesterday alone).  I am going back on the 23rd and he told me he doesn't think he can get off work.  He is leaving early that week another day to go to a football game.  
I know there is a chance I may miscarry again.  But, I knew that before I got pregnant.  It's an emotional risk I would take over and over to have a healthy child with him and I would be heartbroken again if it happens.  
You are right about men and emotions, but aside from you girls I feel so alone.  I haven't told many people yet. I think I may tell my best friend so I at least don't have to be the only woman in the waiting room by herself at the doctors.
I real feel for what you are going through.  I hope you don't give up.  Please let me know if you need to chat.  I hope to see you on the BFP posts again soon!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My husband was the same way after both of my miscarriages. Give him time! Once he sees the heartbeat or baby I'm sure he'll come around. He doesn't want to see you go through the pain of a miscarriage again and therefore thinks if he doesn't get too attached early on then it won't hurt if something were to happen. It's a survival instinct- he's trying to protect his heart! Which is sweet if you think of it that way.

He'll come around! Hang in there.
Helpful - 0
927829 tn?1297268639
My hubby was the same way with this pregnancy. I think it was really hard for him to cope with me being so upset and then depressed after my miscarriage in September. This time around he said he wasn't going to get excited until we knew for sure that the pregnancy was viable... and as it turns out, I guess that was the right attitude since we just found out I'm going to lose this baby as well. :-(

I think it's alot easier for the men to remain detached since it's not their body that's going through all of the changes. I know I really tried my best not to get too excited this time either, but it was impossible not to with all the pregnancy symptoms. Of course now I'm a wreck again. Hopefully I'll recover from this miscarriage faster than the last time.

Anyways, don't be too hard on your hubby. I'm sure he'll come around once he knows everything will be okay.
Helpful - 0
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