Really Hard Situation....Advice Please

Question

Im having a really lousy day and cant stop bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

Tried to involve ARS*HOLE ex again after his protesting and he let me down again. I feel everytime i try to block him outta my life he causes trouble, and everytime i try to involve him he laughs and nocks me down,

Theres no winning here - He was txting last niht being very friendly and seemingly interested but i text this morning to see if he wanted me to drop the scan pics around like he had hinted at and he says hes busy and cant just drop plans to see me.

I never asked him to.

I simply said it would be nice if we could sort our differences before the baby arrives so that the atmosphere isnt as tense.

I only ever hear from him when he wants sex and it makes me feel so low, but like a fool i go back for more, thinking "maybe this time he's changeD"

My parents HATE him and dont want me to have anything to do with him, my friends feel the same but i know that even though he has been the biggest a**ehole ever since we broke up almost a year ago, he is still my babys father and unless i agree to it, will always demand to be involved.

Hes now suggesting that we schedule a time to meet once a fortnight so he can be updated on whats what. 

I had my scan last wednesday and even though he demanded to be allowed to go he didnt show up as he claimed he couldnt get the time off work and hasnt even thought to ask how it went, which really hurts.

I just dont know what to do, i always let him back in and everytime he hurts me.

LosingMyMindInGA · Answer

I agree with Renee, he's just twisting things to try and make them YOUR fault...when it reality this is HIS problem...his mum will find out eventually and he's just pissed that it wasn't on HIS terms....oh well, poor baby, he'll get over it.

JoyRenee · Answer

My mom had cancer when my sis told her she was preggo. My mom actually fought to live and lived longer than they determined she would live by YEARS! Granted she did die after I got married and pregnant, I think that was more because of where she was at with her cancer (she was stage 4=terminal, on oxygen, lost half her weight, and it was her 3rd or 4th recurrence by that time). And I think she died, happy, because she knew I was married and would be taken care of.

So he can't use his mom as an excuse! She'll have to know EVENTUALLY.......... AND it is going to hurt her MORE that he kept it from her. He just needs to stop making excuses.

chitten · Answer

I know, today has been really really hard as last night i found out my parents has phoned and threatened him that if he doesnt tell his parents they will. Now he hates me even more for that as his mum has cancer and he says my parents will be putting her health at risk and she couldnt cope with it. ve always offered him my suport with his mum and he now blames me for my parents going behind my back, even though they promised they wouldnt.

I asked my mum and she said they just warned him not to upset me and i went mad. I know its cos they care about me but im an adult and really want to handle this on my own. This morning i was so down i was debating whether or not keeping the baby was the best choice but touching my lil bump shows me i dont need any of the. Im just so scared to do this alone :(

Today i hate him, and i dont even know why i said i loved him cos when he acts like this (every second day basically) he sickens me. I think he really is the biggest arsehole to have ever walked the planet

Jame0223 · Answer

I have always feared what Joy is stating in my relationship. I wondered if he came back because he loved me or because he just wanted some! Now I know its because he loved me. But in your case it sounds like the opposite. I would give him the ultimatum. If you want me, stay with me and help me with our child. If you dont want me then you dont. You just have to tell yourself that you cant love someone like that. You deserve to be treated like a queen. Especially since youre pregnant. I was crushed when Steven walked out on me when I needed him the most. He knows that and hes very ashamed of himself for it..but it seems like it is just a game to your "guy". Simply, youre just going to have to get through it on your own. After a while the sting starts to subside. Just think about your baby when youre sad...and think of how much joy s/he will bring you..

sha21 · Answer

I know how you feel. I was 17 when I got pregnant, thought I was in love. I didn't know what love really was, much less taking care of a baby. I was still a baby myself. I just knew in my heart that my son's father and me would be together always. We would have this happily ever after life together. Reality is a rude awakening! None of my family or friends liked him and once I got pregnant he changed. I couldn't go hang out and party no more. He wanted me to but I was pregnant. I changed my life when I found I was pregnant, i grew UP!!! He was so mean to me, he would tell that he didn't think the baby was his and other hurtful things. I finally had enough and I quit talking to him, seeing him, or anything. He would call me and threaten me, he would send girls over to my house to try and beat me up. In the meantime I was pregnant with his child. I moved away so I sould have a healthy pregnancy. I did too, my wonderful son was born 10/12/04, he was 5lbs. 12oz.  the best day of my life!!! God, i cried!! I thought what I'm I gonna tell my son about his father. How can I raise this child on my own. I have and I always will. He is the joy in my life, and the man(his father) will never hurt him. Just wait you'll see after crying and being hurt, you'll get mad! God gave you this wonderful baby for a reason so be strong for your baby! I hope everything works out for you. Pray about it. God Bless!

JoyRenee · Answer

You're just going to have to decide it needs to end. Otherwise you'll keep going back for more and more. He won't change and there's nothing you can do to change him. You can tell him, "You're either involved in this child's life, or you're not. I'm not playing your games anymore."

It's a power game, that's why he enjoys it. He knows he "has you". He's abusing you, knowing you'll keep coming back to him. He doesn't have anything to fear because you haven't let him know otherwise.

chitten · Answer

I hate him for what hes done to me, i hate him for how he makes me feel, i hate him for not being here for me when i need him most but something eep inside tells me i still love him and i want that feeling to go away more than anything else in the world.

I cant stand loving someone who clearly hates me.

Ive never hurt him and have always stood by him no matter what, it hurts so bad that he seems to enjoy treating me like this

Michele, Katy, TX · Answer

I posted that e-mail I was telling your about.  It's called "Why Women Cry".  Take a look.  I hope it helps.  I am so sorry you are going through this.

Jame0223 · Answer

In the beginning of my relationship it was very rocky. We broke up sooo much. Off and on, it almost became a pattern. Every 3 mos or so he would decide he didnt want to be with me anymore or he just felt like he wanted to be friends. Once..only once I felt mutually. He would always come back to hang out "like friends" but everytime it hurt so bad! Granted everytime he would come back around we'd always end up in bed together. Our feelings for each other never subsided. And everytime he came back he would tell me about how empty he felt without me. 

The longest time we were seperated for was a month and a half.. It was killing me. I hated the relationship because he would just run away whenever it got tough for him, but he would always come crawling back saying he missed me and needs me. I never gave up though. I figured he would see the big picture some day. Instead of running away he would realize its not worth it to just come back. Well The last time we parted was in June of last year. I got into some trouble with the law...and that whole week me and him seemed to drift further and further. My parents grounded me! lol for the first time in years. And he was the only person I was allowed to see! I remember he had to leave and I walked him to the door. He was talking about my toes! I dont remember what he was saying but then I said I love you and he said I love you too...and that was the last time I saw him! He just disappeard. Wouldnt answer his calls(didnt have a cell then) and wouldnt see me when I went to his house. I wrote him letters...nothing. I lost like 10 pounds in two weeks. I couldnt eat or sleep and I had noone to confide in(grounded). 

We had a few friends that were the same and his best friend lives two streets down from me so I know he was alive since I saw his car there a few times. A girl friend we had talked to me..Id ask her how he was. He was "okay..unhappy mostly" but never got threw to him. I guess she finally convinced him to talk to me because he just left me in the dust and she thought I deserved an explanation! That was the beginning of august. My phone rang, with a number I didnt recognize and I answered. He said Hey..and I immediately knew it was him lol. We arranged for him to come over and he showed up. It was kind of awkward at first, but then we just talked about what happened. He told me he was trying to just move on and get over me, he figured we really werent made for each other. I just nodded because I was still in shock that he was sitting in front of me. He left later but we still continued to talk throughout the week. Then one day we were hanging out and he kissed me. I was so confused! But we decided to give it one more shot. And I actually got pregnant that night..lol I miscarried in September though...we were both devastated. But I think its made our bond even stronger. We havent broken up since and have only fought once. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the wrong choice but that gets shoved aside whenever he makes me laugh. When I think back about it I really wonder why he had to run me over so many times and then pick me up and dust me off! It was like a never ending cycle. He would love me one minute then just drop me. I was crushed constantly. Depressed. And I have meds for depression! 

Boys are just stupid. They can be very very selfish! My friend is younger then me and her and her boyfriend were soo smitten for each other. But she got pregnant and POOF he was gone! then the baby was born and he was back in the picture! Hell, it was the same with my own father!  If you want to be with him, he may come around and see whats going on. If you dont and he does, turn him away, and dont feel guilty about it because its what he deserves. You really dont deserve that. Im lucky I can still love! If it gets to the point where you cant even cry over him anymore cuz youre so used to it then youll really know! Youre probably better off without him!

chitten · Answer

I am cryin right now at my desk at work and i dont even know why.

I know hes using me. I guess ive known that all along i just dont understand how you can take someones virginity, promise them the world and tell them you love them everyday for 3 years only to turn round one day and say you hate them???

Thats basically how it happened and at that moment i thought my world had ended. But he kept coming back, wanting to see me, for sex obviously but i tried to kid myself he still cared, even when my friends told me that he had been hitting on them and was using me.

I just thought he cared, he didnt, thats obvious now.

Michele, Katy, TX · Answer

Because he's a jerk.  He's munipulating you.  It sounds like he's using you.  I know that hurts, but as long as you allow it to happen, he will continue to do it.  I know it is hard; especially pregnant.  I know you are emotional right now and that makes everything 100x worse, but we are all here for you.  You are not alone.  Be strong.  You would be surprised how much strength you have inside of you.  God made women to be especially strong.  We endure so much.  We are special.  Men could never handle the things we do.  I really believe that.  I have an e-mail somewhere that talks about this.  I will post it as soon as I find it.  Please read it.  It will probably make you cry but will also help you I think.  Let me get to lookin.....

chitten · Answer

He is never going to change, this is the boy (and i say boy because hes no man) who left me when we thought i could have breast cancer and 2 weeks later slept with my best mate (who had slept with basically evry other guy in town)

I just really thought that he loved me, we had been together since i was 17 and he was my first boyfriend and i thought the sun shone out his a**e - It doesnt.

I just feel so guilty and such a bad person for bringing a baby into the world like this.

Hes madde it clear he didnt want it and that he thinks its a waste of 3 lifes. 

I know at first i considered abortion but on the day i couldnt go through with it and i really wanna be a good mum i just feel so alone.

He says im unreasonable and selfish to expect him to be supportive towards me.

He says he will support the baby but wants nothing to do with me in the meantime (again.... unless he wants sex in which case he calls and is nice as pie)

I just dont understand how he can change one minute from being so loving and affectionate to being blatanly not interested and down right nasty to me.

Ive never done anything to hurt him so why does he insist on doing it to me so much??

Michele, Katy, TX · Answer

I agree w/ GA.  Many of us on this forum have been through similar situations.  He does sound like a jerk to me.  My mom told me with my ex, that one day I would have my "fill", and one day I did.  I just knew it was over for me.  He didn't believe it, but it was.  I was done.  I have never been sorry.  I only wonder why it took as long as it did.  I guess because I was young and he was the only person I had ever been with in every way.  But I moved on and now have 4 beautiful daughters with my current husband.

LosingMyMindInGA · Answer

Ok first of all...I've had experience with an ex like that.  He's a loser, a deadbeat.  The longer allow him to keep reeling you in, that harder it's going to be to pull away in the end.  He's ALREADY not showing up for things.  You DO NOT want your child to go through that.  He's what I refer to as a fly by night father.  The kind that comes in once in a blue moon and makes a bunch of broken promises.  My oldests's bio father was taht way.  I listened to mom and didn't put his name on her birth certificate.  I DID give him chances to be a father...but on MY TERMS.  After laying down the law....I haven't talked to him since that conversation 11 years ago.  My daughter is better off without him.  He STILL has not changed.  

I think it is you'rs and your childs best interests to listen to your parents and friends.  They can see the WHOLE picture, whereas your judgment may be a little clouded due to hormones and possible feelings you still have for him.  He sounds like a real schlub.  He's just pulling your chain...toying with you.