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What wd you say the Pros and Cons are for having a baby now instead of waiting
this is mostly for a discussion I plan to have with DH. I printed out my own list of Pros and Cons with a twinge of humor added so he didn't get freaked out. I typed the list and plan on having a discussion with him tomorrow, (he's hunting this evening). The reason I'm doing this is because originally, DH wanted to wait a loooonnng time before ttc. Then in Dec 2008 he agreed we'd start trying in June of this year. Then....we went to Florida for a friend's wedding and b/c we loved it so much there (compared to where we're living) he changed his mind and said he's not ready. I gave him a week to get over the psuedo-depression from leaving Florida, and asked him in all seriousness...."will you be ready in June?" he said no. My heart sank, of course. I keep trying to convince myself that i'm totally fine with waiting. But then I get to thinking about it and think, "OMG! I"m going to be 28 in 7 months! If we wait another year, I'll be 29 before having our first. No big deal, but I still want to get my PhD and am almost finished with my master's (in Sept) so I'd like to have children now, and then when they're about 2, put them in preschool, and go back to school.
Sorry this is long...i'm babbling. (what's new?). I just wanted you're feedback so I can add it to my list of pros and cons. So again....
Please name some pros and some cons to having children now versus waiting (men can answer too please!)
Thanks!!!
Sorry this is long...i'm babbling. (what's new?). I just wanted you're feedback so I can add it to my list of pros and cons. So again....
Please name some pros and some cons to having children now versus waiting (men can answer too please!)
Thanks!!!
There are definately pros and cons. For a woman, from a biological perspective, waiting is more dangerous. I've been pregnant at 21, 31 and now I'm pregnant for the third time at 40. I can tell you the differences in all of them - LOL.
*Physically* the pregnancy at 21 was obviously the easiest. Physically, I recovered faster, I was healthier, and the whole thing went off without a hitch. At 31, I enjoyed my pregnancy SOOOO much more. I was still young and healthy, and there were no problems. But I definately got worn out easier - there was a marked difference in my energy level. By the time I had him, I was READY to not be pregnant anymore! This time, it has been much more work than I imagined. I have had a relatively easy and healthy pregnancy - FOR A 40 YEAR OLD! But I get so exhausted I feel almost drugged sometimes. The aches and pains are way more noticeable. And the sheer number of MD appts and tests are overwhelming. They monitor a "high risk" pregnancy very closely. So I see an OB, a perinatologist, and a nutritionist because this time I have gestational diabetes due to my age.
*emotionally* the pregnancy at 21 was the most difficult. I was young and single and just not in a good emotional place to have a baby. I wasn't done with college and I hadn't matured enough to really appreciate the gift I was being given. At 31, I was READY. I absolutely ADORED being pregnant, was happy the entire time, and enjoyed my son's babyhood so much more than I did my daughter's. I was settled into a career that I enjoyed, and I was just generally a much happier person at 31. I was still single - but that didn't bother me in the slightest. I had a fantastic support system, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my son's infancy. Now, at 40, I am married and very, very happy with my life in general. I'm thrilled about being pregnant...but I was completely unprepared for the mood swings with this pregnancy. I think the hormones have really done a number on me this time, and although I am so happy about this baby, I cannot WAIT to NOT be pregnant. LOL.
So...there you have it. Pros and cons at every age. LOL. In all seriousness...right around 30, IMO, is the best time both physically and mentally to have a baby. And your husband needs to appreciate the fact that YOU, as a woman, can't put off children as long as he can. In fact, my best friend and her husband broke up over this very same issue. He agreed to kids when they got married at 25. The agreement was they would start a family at 30. Well, 30 came and went and he kept putting it off until he was "ready." Well, as so many others said, no one is ever totally "ready". Finally my friend realized he would not change, and she was running out of time...so she made the choice to leave him. She's now seeing a fantastic man with no children, who wants them desperately.
Anyway...sorry so long! But I hope things go well for you, and you get the family you want!!
Tricia
*Physically* the pregnancy at 21 was obviously the easiest. Physically, I recovered faster, I was healthier, and the whole thing went off without a hitch. At 31, I enjoyed my pregnancy SOOOO much more. I was still young and healthy, and there were no problems. But I definately got worn out easier - there was a marked difference in my energy level. By the time I had him, I was READY to not be pregnant anymore! This time, it has been much more work than I imagined. I have had a relatively easy and healthy pregnancy - FOR A 40 YEAR OLD! But I get so exhausted I feel almost drugged sometimes. The aches and pains are way more noticeable. And the sheer number of MD appts and tests are overwhelming. They monitor a "high risk" pregnancy very closely. So I see an OB, a perinatologist, and a nutritionist because this time I have gestational diabetes due to my age.
*emotionally* the pregnancy at 21 was the most difficult. I was young and single and just not in a good emotional place to have a baby. I wasn't done with college and I hadn't matured enough to really appreciate the gift I was being given. At 31, I was READY. I absolutely ADORED being pregnant, was happy the entire time, and enjoyed my son's babyhood so much more than I did my daughter's. I was settled into a career that I enjoyed, and I was just generally a much happier person at 31. I was still single - but that didn't bother me in the slightest. I had a fantastic support system, and I wouldn't change a single thing about my son's infancy. Now, at 40, I am married and very, very happy with my life in general. I'm thrilled about being pregnant...but I was completely unprepared for the mood swings with this pregnancy. I think the hormones have really done a number on me this time, and although I am so happy about this baby, I cannot WAIT to NOT be pregnant. LOL.
So...there you have it. Pros and cons at every age. LOL. In all seriousness...right around 30, IMO, is the best time both physically and mentally to have a baby. And your husband needs to appreciate the fact that YOU, as a woman, can't put off children as long as he can. In fact, my best friend and her husband broke up over this very same issue. He agreed to kids when they got married at 25. The agreement was they would start a family at 30. Well, 30 came and went and he kept putting it off until he was "ready." Well, as so many others said, no one is ever totally "ready". Finally my friend realized he would not change, and she was running out of time...so she made the choice to leave him. She's now seeing a fantastic man with no children, who wants them desperately.
Anyway...sorry so long! But I hope things go well for you, and you get the family you want!!
Tricia
We had our first baby almost a year ago and honestly it wasnt exactly ideal .. neither of us are finished with college yet... and i think its important to have a stable financial footing before embarking on children.. we are waiting to have a second child until we are both done with school .. i think thats the responsible thing to do.. i see way too many girls who have 2+ children and they are struggling to pay their electric bill.. i mean if you cant even pay your electric bill then you shouldn't be thinking of a bringing a child into the world right at that moment.. im not saying you have to be rich or even middle class.. i just think you should be able to adequatly provide for that child.. this is a big issue for me because the town i live in is ridiculous.. you have girls who are 23 years old and have 5 children and they are living off welfare.. i know moms who take their welfare checks and go buy themselves designer shoes( gucci )
I just don't think its fair to that child. This is only my opinion : )
I just don't think its fair to that child. This is only my opinion : )
Hi there. I just went through this with my DH - he wasn't fully ready and asked to wait until June as well. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and I did the math with him - he kept forgetting to add 9 months to the current date so that even if we started now the LO wouldn't be born until 2010!! I told him that I wanted off BCP so I could get AF (I did not get AF for 12 years while on BCP) he was fine with that. I told him that he was resposibile for using his own methods until he was ready to start TTC. I stopped the pill on 2/23. Around 3/15 he couldn't wait anymore and decided whatever happened happened though he was still nervous and scared. AF still did not come and I took my first ever HPT which came back negative and he felt disappointment and sad, because he didn't reealize how much he wanted it until he realized we weren't. It was from that point we started to actively try. I found out last week I might not even be O-ing and am now on Provera to help, since 8 weeks later and still no AF but all my tests are negative. So now that there are issues with my body he is even more supportive and even vows to get me the thermometer every morning and chart my temp. He turned around very quickly. You can't make him ejaculate inside of you, correct. Though at one point my husband actually said just go off BCP and don't tell me, then I'll learn to be ready. I would NOT suggest tricking him, that's just wrong, but don't give up on him. He could still change his mind. I bought my husband books to read and he has been reading them and learning more about things. And they are geared toward men. There is one called My Boys Can Swim that is funny but it made my DH feel better. Good luck and I hope this helped!!
Sweetangel7= Like you, I'm not a crazy career women either but felt that getting my Master's first was the right thing to do. 5 months from now that's achieved, so I'm kinda in the position like "now what?" BUt I understand DH isn't the same person as I am, so it's not that I don't understand him, just that i'm frustrated.
Grandmatobe--you're words are very on target. DH should be commended (and has been) for his realistic perspective. Like i originally said, I'm fearful too (b/c i'm aware of the drastic changes) but I also have this maternal clock and quite frankly, the clock ITSELF is pissing me off!!! So, you'r right. It's a huge change and I'm glad that he's not the type to think he can take on EVERYTHING and I"m glad I"m not the type to pressure him into anything. B/c I know, as you said, that would be dangerous.
Vance--Thanks for the guy perspective, that helps!! I have heard the exact same quote a thousand times and realize that DH (dear husband) just doesn't understand it yet.
All in all, speaking w/you all about this helps me alot b/c the frustration I feel is more maternally instigated rather than logical. Logically, if we wait and have fertility problems, there is always fertility solutions (well, not always but there's adoption!). I know we have the rest of our lives to be parents and that's the one thing that DH keeps pointing out. I think grandmatobe is correct in that he may be feeling inadequate about his job and providing for a family b/c money is tight and we're not happy with the community in which we live right now. I also know that he doesn't feel "ready" because he's not even 27 yet and in his mind, there's still so much fun to have, like vacations to the beach, hunting trips, etc. In all fairness, I worry about giving life up too... like I said, it's just mostly this damn biological clock!!
Thanks again for continued feedback. Though I'm accepting this situation, I'm still experiencing internal conflict about it!
Grandmatobe--you're words are very on target. DH should be commended (and has been) for his realistic perspective. Like i originally said, I'm fearful too (b/c i'm aware of the drastic changes) but I also have this maternal clock and quite frankly, the clock ITSELF is pissing me off!!! So, you'r right. It's a huge change and I'm glad that he's not the type to think he can take on EVERYTHING and I"m glad I"m not the type to pressure him into anything. B/c I know, as you said, that would be dangerous.
Vance--Thanks for the guy perspective, that helps!! I have heard the exact same quote a thousand times and realize that DH (dear husband) just doesn't understand it yet.
All in all, speaking w/you all about this helps me alot b/c the frustration I feel is more maternally instigated rather than logical. Logically, if we wait and have fertility problems, there is always fertility solutions (well, not always but there's adoption!). I know we have the rest of our lives to be parents and that's the one thing that DH keeps pointing out. I think grandmatobe is correct in that he may be feeling inadequate about his job and providing for a family b/c money is tight and we're not happy with the community in which we live right now. I also know that he doesn't feel "ready" because he's not even 27 yet and in his mind, there's still so much fun to have, like vacations to the beach, hunting trips, etc. In all fairness, I worry about giving life up too... like I said, it's just mostly this damn biological clock!!
Thanks again for continued feedback. Though I'm accepting this situation, I'm still experiencing internal conflict about it!
From a man point of view...I always wanted to wait till I was comfortable in my job and made enough money, but while I was away on business I met a guy who was my age and we started talking and his words were, "there is never going to be a perfect time, so don't let this time pass you by". After that I went home and wife and I agreed that we shoudl start trying ASAP.
I see no CONS, unless the relationship is abusive, but if the relationship is warm and loving then nothing should stop you from trying to have a child.
I see no CONS, unless the relationship is abusive, but if the relationship is warm and loving then nothing should stop you from trying to have a child.
I had my children in my early and mid 20's, so I completely understand that feeling of "now is the time". Having said that, NOTHING could prepare us for the work that came from having children. I watch this same scenario every day with my daughter and her husband (who live with us) - - - one is in school and one works full time. It's not enough to make it on their own in this State and when they had my granddaughter (11months), their life changed. Anyone that has had a child understands that concept, but you simply cannot get people to see this, until they live it themselves.
I give your husband credit for being honest about his feelings, because his life WILL change, and so will yours. It is hard enough to adjust to the responsibility of a child when you are both on the same page, but if one isn't - - it can be a disaster for a relationship.
Having said all that - - maybe he doesn't feel settled in HIS life right now, albeit his job, where he is living, scared of providing for and taking care of another human being, etc. There are lots of things that could be bothering him and maybe he isn't sharing those real reasons. Hopefully, he will come to terms with those underlying issues shortly, and you can both move on. If it doesn't seem to happen right away, perhaps you could start your PhD now and get it done before having children, so you don't have to juggle school, work and your kids at the same time.
But I DO understand how you must be feeling right now and I wish the best to you both and hope you can meet in the middle.....Take care!
I give your husband credit for being honest about his feelings, because his life WILL change, and so will yours. It is hard enough to adjust to the responsibility of a child when you are both on the same page, but if one isn't - - it can be a disaster for a relationship.
Having said all that - - maybe he doesn't feel settled in HIS life right now, albeit his job, where he is living, scared of providing for and taking care of another human being, etc. There are lots of things that could be bothering him and maybe he isn't sharing those real reasons. Hopefully, he will come to terms with those underlying issues shortly, and you can both move on. If it doesn't seem to happen right away, perhaps you could start your PhD now and get it done before having children, so you don't have to juggle school, work and your kids at the same time.
But I DO understand how you must be feeling right now and I wish the best to you both and hope you can meet in the middle.....Take care!
Well, I wonder why he isn't ready...when my husband wanted to start ttc, I was the one who just wasn't ready because I had a commitment to my job that I would get my Master's degree within 5 years AND for my first three years on the job, they could fire me for no reason so I wanted to make sure that I was a good employee and I got my Master's...I'm not like a super career woman or anything BUT I felt it would be better to wait and bring our child into our life IF we had an added level of stability...I'd be settled into my career, past those three years of worrying if they'd let me go AND I'd be making more money.
Don't push right now, because it might make him more resentful or opposed to talking about it BUT I would try to talk to him about where this idea of being ready or not ready stems from. Ask him what else in life he wants or needs before he can move forward.
I'd be bothered too if my dh just said he wasn't ready and I had no idea why...
Don't push right now, because it might make him more resentful or opposed to talking about it BUT I would try to talk to him about where this idea of being ready or not ready stems from. Ask him what else in life he wants or needs before he can move forward.
I'd be bothered too if my dh just said he wasn't ready and I had no idea why...
thanks for your wisdom ladies. I had 'THE" discussion with DH yesterday and gave him my "list" of pros and cons. Unfortunately, it came down to the words of "i'm just not ready. We both need to be ready to do this. But I'll probably be ready by the end of this year."
AAAHHHHHH!!!!! I wanna rip my hair out!! Of course I don't want to pressure him, and I certainly can't make him ejaculate inside of me! But, I still was hopeful that June would be our month. I have fears too, and I think that's normal. But his answer of not being ready is irrefutable. I can't "reason" that away! So now I'm super frustrated b/c I"m aware of the fertility issues, genetic complications, etc and theres nothing I can do about it!
Sigh, is it possible for a guy to become "ready" in 6 months?? I told him i personally didn't think he'd feel any different then than he does now. :(
I"m seriously pouting now.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!! I wanna rip my hair out!! Of course I don't want to pressure him, and I certainly can't make him ejaculate inside of me! But, I still was hopeful that June would be our month. I have fears too, and I think that's normal. But his answer of not being ready is irrefutable. I can't "reason" that away! So now I'm super frustrated b/c I"m aware of the fertility issues, genetic complications, etc and theres nothing I can do about it!
Sigh, is it possible for a guy to become "ready" in 6 months?? I told him i personally didn't think he'd feel any different then than he does now. :(
I"m seriously pouting now.
TECHNICALLY a women's eggs are deteriorating since birth!
Here is scientific data to support my statement that it happens after age 25 (mid 20s)
At birth, all females have about 1 million eggs. By puberty, a woman’s egg reserve has declined by 50% and each month thereafter, she will lose an additional 750 eggs. *****Beginning in a woman’s 20’s, the eggs not only begin to diminish in quantity, but also in quality. *****Significant deterioration occurs after the age of 35. The end result is that as a woman ages, it becomes increasingly difficult, and eventually impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby naturally due to the age of her eggs.
This article merely points out the trouble conceiving due to poor eggs it did go on to explain the quality factor and the increased risk for downs etc. At 20 yrs, your risk is 1 in 1,000 after 35 it is 1 in 100...I'm sure the closer you are to 35 the chances decline and become closer to the 1 in 100 figure.
However, anyone at any time can have a baby with chromosomal problems.
My friend has fertility problems even at 27 and I have been with her to appointments etc. and this is how I know this. She has been ttc for 2 years...poor thing!
Here is scientific data to support my statement that it happens after age 25 (mid 20s)
At birth, all females have about 1 million eggs. By puberty, a woman’s egg reserve has declined by 50% and each month thereafter, she will lose an additional 750 eggs. *****Beginning in a woman’s 20’s, the eggs not only begin to diminish in quantity, but also in quality. *****Significant deterioration occurs after the age of 35. The end result is that as a woman ages, it becomes increasingly difficult, and eventually impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby naturally due to the age of her eggs.
This article merely points out the trouble conceiving due to poor eggs it did go on to explain the quality factor and the increased risk for downs etc. At 20 yrs, your risk is 1 in 1,000 after 35 it is 1 in 100...I'm sure the closer you are to 35 the chances decline and become closer to the 1 in 100 figure.
However, anyone at any time can have a baby with chromosomal problems.
My friend has fertility problems even at 27 and I have been with her to appointments etc. and this is how I know this. She has been ttc for 2 years...poor thing!
I agree- there'll never be the "perfect" time. I know so many women who waited and ended up finding that they couldn't conceive or had a very difficult time doing so.
Also, you're at higher risks for genetic problems and are required to get amnios, etc. because your eggs will start to "deteriorate" the older you become, as others have stated. Which is probably why older moms may have a harder time conceiving.
This is just one of those things that you have to try! Once you are pregnant and your husband sees his baby on ultrasound and holds them for the first time... that is HIS baby! He will be very protective and love them with his whole heart.
Good luck!
Also, you're at higher risks for genetic problems and are required to get amnios, etc. because your eggs will start to "deteriorate" the older you become, as others have stated. Which is probably why older moms may have a harder time conceiving.
This is just one of those things that you have to try! Once you are pregnant and your husband sees his baby on ultrasound and holds them for the first time... that is HIS baby! He will be very protective and love them with his whole heart.
Good luck!
Bioclock~ TECHNICALLY it's after 30... but women under 30 definitely have a lower risk of D/s and T18 (deadly genetic problem)
But.... You don't have to go into specifics with him! :) Ask him if he's sure he'll have the energy to have kids in a couple years? AND probably more than one! (if this is your first... you'll probably want more and soon, esp. if your 28 now. The DS risk is a big deal.)
But.... You don't have to go into specifics with him! :) Ask him if he's sure he'll have the energy to have kids in a couple years? AND probably more than one! (if this is your first... you'll probably want more and soon, esp. if your 28 now. The DS risk is a big deal.)
really? I had no idea the statistics for eggs quality said after 25 y/o!!! Crikey!! Thanks for adding THAT! i'LL BE sure to mention that one!! The fertility thing is a good one too. I mention that but it seems to slide right by him...like he doesn't FULLY understand the weight of such a serious issue.
Thanks. You're right and the energy level is definitely one i put on my list! It's just that i know DH will say that he's not talking about waiting 4 years (when he'll be 30, I'll be 30 in 2 1/2). So, I'm trying to come up with things that will help him see now is the time. He says he's not ready but I think he's just (like me) afraid of giving up all he knows. Sleep, freedom to do anything. But I keep trying to tell him, we're responsible for our dog. He doesn't stop us from doing everything, just puts a little cinch in things but he's totally worth it. Babies are even better!!!
NOW PROS: your eggs deteriorate in quality every year you are past 25 and the risk factors for downs etc. increase
Also, you could face fertility issues in the coming years and have a harder time ttc
Also, you could face fertility issues in the coming years and have a harder time ttc
Just off the top of my head....
You'll have more energy, the younger you are (I'm 31 and DH is nearly 41, and I see a difference in our energy levels).
Another thing to consider is that there never will be a "perfect" time. There's always something to wait for, a reason to hold off.
Good luck with your talk tomorrow, I hope it goes well. Keeping the lines of communication open is key for sure :-)
You'll have more energy, the younger you are (I'm 31 and DH is nearly 41, and I see a difference in our energy levels).
Another thing to consider is that there never will be a "perfect" time. There's always something to wait for, a reason to hold off.
Good luck with your talk tomorrow, I hope it goes well. Keeping the lines of communication open is key for sure :-)
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