What's wrong with me??!! PLEASE RESPOND

[mspookie]

Sorry but this being long but here it goes......

Is it wrong that I am SO READY for a family but I'm not married or even engaged!!!  I have been with my sweetheart of a man for seriously only since April of last year.  We've known each other for over 4 years and have been casual friends for almost that time.  We are so much in love but it seems like he's trying to accomplish stuff before we get married.  In my heart, I know I should be married before children.  My thing is, WHY am I not engaged and WHY DO I WANT TO START A FAMILY RIGHT NOW???  I am 28 and he's 36.  He tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME.  If I bring up pregnancy stuff or marriage stuff he entertains it but not like says it's GOING TO BE WITH ME.  Like it's weird, he'll joke around and say cute stuff but he has never said YES I'M GONNA MARRY YOU ONE DAY.  I just feel like I'm never gonna get married and never gonna have children.  I am unsure if he wants to really really marry me.  Some part feels he does but why doesn't he just say he wants to marry me someday??  That would make me feel soooo much better.  

Please all input is NEEDED!  Any quesitions... whatever...  I just want to stop feeling so anxious.

THANKS!!

[mspookie]

YOU GALS ARE GREAT!!!

[Hales20]

you just need to be totally honest with him. Tell him how you feel & that you have always 'dreamed' of having the prefect life of getting married & starting a family at your current age.

You need to tell him otherwise you will be the one who suffers in the end as it might not happen.

It needs to happen now, otherwise it wont at all.

Me & my partner have been together for a few years now, im not expecting him to marry me anytime soon, but he always tells me he will one day (when we can afford it) LOL

If you are in doubt of him marrying you, you need to have a conversation with him, telling him you are in doubt and want to marry & have children, but dont feel like he does anytime soon.

Just be honest with him hun xx thats all i can say. I have been honest with mine in the past, and had a few arguments over some matters, but in the end he needs to know how you feel, and you need to ask him the same, about how he feels towards this subject & whether the marriage/children thing will happen anytime soon.

Face it, you said that he came over in 05 to go to Grad School, its now 08, he still hasnt done anything about it. What does that show you? If something doesnt happen now or in the near future, it probably wont happen at all! It will just keep draggin on until you guys end up arguing & then possibly ending the relationship. ( it can happen)

SO yeah just be honest. Good luck & let us know how you go xx

[mspookie]

He knows that I am behind him no matter what he does.  He told he that one of the positive things of being with me is that I help keep him straight or goal oriented.  I partly believe that but I just don't feel confident that he knows what he wants right now.  I think that he's not ready for committment.  Hell, he hasn't even committed to grad school yet, how do I expect him to committ to marrying me.  Some of the posts are right when they say all I'm asking for is an engagement.  I just don't accept his answers at ALL.  I STICK BY THAT IF HE WANTED TO MARRY ME, I WOULDN'T BE IN ANY DOUBT AT ALL.  If I'm your future wife, I should have no problem knowing it.  It shouldn't be a SECRET...

[jessbob]

It took my DH forever to propose to me.  I started hinting for a ring in 2003 and it took him two years to finally ask!  He says his excuse was that he had to save up for a ring (ha!).  But in reality his major issue was not commitment to me, it was commitment to a different life.  Marriage meant sticking with his current job, sticking with the area we live in and settling in to a new house.  It was very hard for him to give up those freedoms and become truly "responsible".  He now says that being married is one of the best things he could have done but he had to figure that out for himself.

Maybe your BF is afraid that once he gets married he won't be able to go back to school because he has to be "responsible" and has to take care of you and potentially a baby.  He's afraid of losing all his options and freedoms that he has now because he's single.  

I've learned that no amount of pushing will make him go any faster, unfortunately it's his timeline.  You have to decide if you want to wait it out or not.

Good luck.

[Mumita]

Honestly, I agree with the previous posts, you have to make him understand that you don't want to waste your time on someone that's just stringing you along and is not giving you any security that you will get married.  I'd feel weird about proposing to a man, but that's just me, I don't like rejection and I honestly think that he'll give you a BS answer if you do.
When I met my husband, we had absolutely NO DOUBTS that we wanted to get married right away.  you should not have any doubts about the other person when you decide you want to marry them.

[mspookie]

Thank you sweetangel7.  That's good advice.  Believe it or not... I'd LOVE to propose to him.  He's the type that it would make him mad because he didn't do it because HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAN OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

[sweetangel7]

You are not going to be happy waiting around for him and less happy if he keeps stringing you along...IF you think that he is the right man for you then perhaps you should propose to him...when my husband and I were in high school we had promise rings...mine was a little heart with a diamond in the center and his was actually a very plain white gold band.  Don't do this to yourself...you deserve someone who loves you and wants you in their life at all times...even when things aren't perfect.  If he says no, tell him that you need some time away from the relationship to seriously consider if the two of you really have compatible life plans because it doesn't seem that you do.  Good luck and keep us posted...you are still young...do this now and hopefully it will impact your future early enough that you will be happy with or without him.

[mspookie]

Thanks all you ladies.  I have been really struggling over this just the passed few days.  Actually months.  My problem now is thinking well if he's waiting to be finished with grad school, then what.  Is it gonna be put off because he's not making a million a year.  What's next with the excuses?  I'm patient and have been thus far but I feel like don't tell me and give me excuses that you haven't held up to your responsibilities.  I feel like yes he's the one but I also feel like if he wants to be with me, marry me, then he will make sure I am confident in knowing that.  Whether it's getting engaged tomorrow or in December, I'm ok with that but don't tell me that you MIGHT think more about it while in school OR AFTER!!  Am I wrong in thinking this??  Sorry if I am repeating alot I may have said before.   I'M SOOOO TORN!!!

[sweetangel7]

That does sound like a BS answer...you are asking to be engaged not have a wedding tomorrow!  Engagement really requires no work until the wedding planning and it is usually all taken on by the female in the relationship.  Perhaps you could have a long engagement?  My husband and I started dating when we were 16.  He proposed to me when we were 19...He was a pizza delivery guy by night and going to school by day...IF a 19 year old can have their wits about them to go to a 'commercial' jewelry store like Kay, Gordon's...some place that offers financing...a lot of them will give you a year interest free...that is what my (now) husband did.  ALSO, at first, when we got engaged I was soooo wedding crazed but since I was in college, and my mom was helping me pay, she put her foot down and said that I had to wait until I graduated college to get married.  At 20 we moved in our own apartment (previously we lived with his parents for a year and a half) and lived like we were married.  From 2001 to 2005 we were 'just' engaged and I was actually fine with it...I REALLY don't see any detriment to a relationship if you are in it for a long time before getting married (as posted by lacy5...I think equal evidence could be found about high divorce rate amongst people who rush into a marriage...I just read an article to support it...I'm not trying to be a right fighter BUT I do think it is important that you see both sides of the issue.  It is not cohabitation not a lengthy relationship that causes the problem is the the person in the relationship who is usually not serious about the relationship and hence the reason why they prolong it and it doesn't work.  Good luck, sorry this is long, be direct, open and honest about your needs...and if he truly loves you and wants you to be his life partner and mother of his children, he will make the right choice...If not you are better off without him.

[lacy5]

Sorry I was half asleep when I typed that.... I really can spell - I swear LOL

[lacy5]

yes that so sounds liek a road black.

I understand the whole goals thing I had them too.
but you know you can do more then one thing at a time.
atleast enagement. beign  engaged its not goign to effect his school.
if he were the "girl" i'd understnad liek planning hte wedding and stuff woudl effect school. but he just has to "show up" ya know...

I think thats a BS reason kinda.

but its your life hun, is he worth waiting for?

[mspookie]

Ok so I talked to him today.  He said yes he wants to marry me and have children.  He said he see's this in our future.  He says that he's only really going to concentrate on getting enrolled in school.  A brief history on that is that he moved to another city in order to go to grad school back in '05. Well he's still not enrolled and it's '08.  So now that he's saying this again, I'm thinking to myself you want me to wait on you to accomplish a goal you set to do 3 years ago and haven't made any strides to do it yet??!!  What do I do guys??!!  I am being extremely patient and have been through some crazy stuff with him but I don't want to keep getting things thrown at me that he uses as road blocks.

[mspookie]

Thanks markitadragoon!  Do you all think that asking him specifically will make it seem like I'm pressuring him to marry me?  Really if I had to ask two questions it would be if he wants to marry me and whether or not he's trying to wait until he finishes accomplishing all his goals.

[martikadragoon]

I personally think that you need to just ask him also. (I agree with the other posters) Just come right out and ask him if he sees you as being his wife in the near future.. IF he says YES, then ask for a timeline of some sort.. 1year, 2 years.. etc. if he asks why, let him know you don't want to feel like your wasting your life with someone who'll never give you the things YOU want in life like marriage and a family.

It may be tough to say, BUT it sounds like it has to be done. Just be sure to let him know your not trying to pressure him.

[lacy5]

your welcome, good luck, and dont wait to long, think of "you" and not the teh "us" it will help u see clearer

[2pinklines]

totally agree w/ lacy 5 on everything. i think we've all had "one of those " relationships!!!

[mspookie]

you hit the nail on the head.  I've said A MILLION times that I'm gonna wait it out.  Every other week I have doubts about waiting it out.  lacy5 THANKS so much for your input.  Sometimes it feels like i'm the only one that has the thoughts I do.  It's nice to know someone else has experienced what I'm going through.

OT-...I'm new to this forum b/c I thought I was pregnant back in March.

Thanks... and baby dust to you (as you all say)

[lacy5]

yeah I was 20 and the ex was 32 when we met.  i was young and so dumb. he gave me the world, proclaimed his love.
we broke up right b4 he turned 36. I was 23 then. same thing all my bff were having babies getting married. blah blah i wanted that so bad, it jsut wasnt ment to be w/ him
  & at that age. they are realizing the days are numbered. they dotn want to be "old dads" its prob something that is on his mind everyday..... & u dont even know it..
or he may feel its too late, and maybe feels marring youw oudl keep u from having kids being he dont want them b/c he feels to old to start now. sounds like this wknd u 2 need to have a real heart to heart and get on the same page. b/c waiting it out... is jsut goign to make u even more impatient.

[mspookie]

lacy5 I just hope he's not hearing me talk and talk about marriage and children and doesn't want the same thing.  I don't feel the excitement that I would like to when he gives me responses to my inquiries or comments on those such topics.  Sometimes I think maybe it's just my impatience or the fact that it seems like everybody around me is experiencing marriage and babies and I'm with someone who says he loves me and can't be without me but doesn't really give me an explanation.  Maybe the thing is that he's probably telling me in a very very subtle way that he once hoped to be married but he doesn't want it now.  I'm so confused but so want to stick it out and see.  I just don't know how long I can stick it out anymore though.

[lacy5]

after being together as long as u 2 have been. you should feel confortable bluntly asking.  or he should have came right out and got to the point by now..

[lacy5]

yeah well the guy i was w/ had enough money to go drop 10k on  a ring he just never did, he talked about how beutiful our babies would be, just b/c what i looked like, & our similar features, he told me he loved me, he couldn live w/o me. he just never made that commitment. and i wasnt going to wait forever. the  g/f after me he dated for  5 mts got her a ring. married  1 yr after they started dating. so either she was the one, or he didnt want t wait to long in that relationship adn loose another one? who knows. but it all worked out for the best.

  & he made every commitment to me in the world except marriage.  he wanted me to live w/ h im. I said not in the house he was in ( it was to small ( rental) he said go pick one out then. so i did. he bought it. he bought me cars, everything I could dream of I was a spoiled brat.

but never that ring.... so  I have a 1 yr rule now ever since then. if it aint happened in a yr its not going too.
and studies show ppl that are together  a logn time(2-10 yrs) then get married have a way higher divorce rate. then those who meet, together a short time. and get married....so if you believe in stats....

[mspookie]

PLEASE MORE RESPONSES    PLLLEEEAAASSSEEE!!!  I know it's OT

[mspookie]

I meant to add that he has said to me that I've changed his outlook on marriage and that he used to not think it was possible but now he does.

[mspookie]

Lacy5 you said ALOT just in that post.  It's like yes I see him growing fonder and more in love with me but I just don't know what he really wants.  I am not positive he wants me as his wife. I am not positive he wants me to have his children.  He doesn't bring it up and he (to me) only acts like he wants to talk about it if I bring it up.  I'm trying to be patient and see what the future holds.  Thing is too... I'm a very observant type of person.  Like he likes to "treat" me like eating out, buying things or whatever.  This is how I can tell he doesn't save money and especially not for a ring.  I know he could save his money and I not know it but believe me, I can tell he lives check to check.  It's just little clues I'm trying to ignore and not over exaggerate but I CAN'T HELP BUT TO WONDER.  I'm so confused.