completely off topic- but i need advice & help. please.

[Roxannee3]

So i know this isn't the place that everyone comes to talk about personal stuff, other than pregnancy & stuff. but im in need of some advice.

ok, so to start off this very confusing situation, i have a 20 month old. & his biological dad is not around, only been around him an amount i can count on my hands. he's has never been a for sure person in blayne's life. he's tried walkin in & out until i stopped it because blayne deserves better. he's only helped with blayne a few times, like hardly any lets just say i can count that on both hands to. he's recently told me he wants to take me to court because i dont let him see blayne. but i dont feel as if i should allow him to when he doest work, he doesn't have a car & he still lives at home with his mama.

i have let blayne spend a night here & a night there with them, but everytime i get him back, he smells like dog pee, & acts like he hasn't been fed hardly anything. once i went through this twice i finally told them it had to stop he needed to be fed & bathed.

but about the court thing, he has no proof that he's ever helped me, nor does his mom. & neither do i. he's not on the birth certificate, or any other important papers that has to do with my son. like i said before my son is almost 2 years old. im married now, my husband who is in the marines & we live 6 hrs away from our hometown which his where his dad lives. im finacially stable, my son doesnt go without, we have everything we need & some.

but im just curious to know if he would get anything at all? or would he end up wasting his time?

the reason i say waste his time, like that is because he's alwasy acted as if blayne is a waste of his time, like he never calls about him, never ask about him, & never does anything for blayne. my husband has stepped in as daddy, and blayne loves him. that's really all i could ask for.

[Roxannee3]

because there is always that what if.

[alaysha]

Then why ask the question of what could happen in the first place?

[Roxannee3]

driving her crazy and tearing her nev=rves up. Nothing will become of this because he has not the nerve or the money to go through with it.

[Roxannee3]

This is Roxannee3's husband. I met her awhile ago and have3 known of the situation from the beginning. The "sperm donor" is good for nothing and doesnt want anything to do with our biigman. The only thing he comes around for once in a blue moon is to give her a hard time and put stress on our family. Blayne calls me daddy and has since me and her got together. I have a great job and more than enough money for a lawyer. But thats no matter because he has no money for a lawyer and is not right mind enough to represent himself in court. When Blayne is over at the 21 years olds mothers house where he still resides with no job and a broken down car, he is know where to be seen from the time blayne arives at the house until myself and my wife g ot opick him up. Ive seen these kind of peopel and have no respect for them and have already told her numerous times tnot to worry about it. But being the loving, caring mother she is it is

[alaysha]

Oh and I highly suggest you are the one to start the court papers because if he files and says he doesn't know where you are and that you left the state with his child and he has no way to contact you other than Facebook its going to look really bad.

[alaysha]

He doesn't have to hire a lawyer in his state and send them to yours. He can hire a lawyer in your state and just speak with them via telephone and mail documents. AZ is a mothers state as well but like I said before he will still get some form of parenting time. As for lawyers there are places that do pro bono work and at any time someone cannot afford a lawyer they have a right to request one from the state. And him to knowing his child is why they have the have the councelling to reintroduce him into the child's life. Its like 8 meetings with a councelour he would have to attend before he could actually be alone with him. Also when he goes to take you to court he just has to hire a server to find you. Its really not that hard. I just want to make you aware that it isn't ALL in your favor because you are the mother. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but its true.

[Roxannee3]

i moved in oct. & the state that im from does favor the mother, & we live in NC & here he would have to come to the state that i live in with the child in order to go to court. i completely understand that there is a way he could get some rights, but im just curious to know of how much he would get based on everything. & in his state if he takes me to court he would need a lawyer, he can't represent his self if he is going about starting the case, i can represent my self but we already plan on gettin a lawyer if this really does take place. also in his state, he has to pass a home inspection through dss he would pass, but they would give him a certain amount to get a job. he does have something like a cdv on his record idk if they look at that. & yes he could get a lawyer but with no money at all i doubt it. because any lawyer that i've heard of in SC has to have some kinda down payment, not to mention travel cost just to come up here & do court. the only i know this is because my mom has kinda been through the same thing before. i know he needs his dad, but im sorry if he isn't going to put him first & try when he first got here why should i let him try now? i know that sounds bitchy, but my son doesnt have a clue of who he is & anytime i ever left him over there he cried almost the whole time (to hear them say it) & in our state if he takes me to court for visitation he will HAVE to pay child support. there are no & if buts about that one.

& he has no clue of where i live, has no clue of how to get in touch with me other then facebook. so in order for him to summon to court he would have to have my address to take to them. but yes he usually doesn't go through with his threats because he know he will end up screwwing his self pretty much.

[JoyRenee]

Honestly he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is going to go through with his threats. Until you actually get a court summons I would just keep that child away from him. He's not on the birth certificate for starters and most courts favor the mother. If they were to give him anything he most likely would have to hold a job and live closer.

You should get the legal advice from a counselor since I am only speculating but honestly until this guy puts his money where his mouth is I would keep your son in his loving, safe environment.

[alaysha]

You could try calling a law office and getting a free consultation. They would be better equipped at telling you what exactly to expect.

[alaysha]

He doesn't need a lawyer. I had no lawyer and just represented myself. Also some lawyers in child custody/support/paternity cases will do it for free or if you qualify moneywise you can get a court appointed attorney. Also as far as child support goes even if he doesn't have a job now they will still base it on what minimum wage is or on what he cab make. My ex had no job but still had to pay $480 a month. It sounds like you want me to say that he has no chance because he's a crappy dad... but I'm hoping that you realize that situations have to be EXTREMELY dangerous for a child for them to completely pull one of the parents out of the picture. It doesn't usually happen.

[amandamae1126]

Unless you can leagally PROVE he is an unfit father (you will need a little more than what you have already - cps can inspect the house and give him time to improve conditions too), it is likely that he WILL get some sort of visitation rights if he takes you to court. And technically, you do not have to pay to see your kid. Should he be paying child support? Of course! Should he also be a part of his child's life? Of course. It's just too bad he hasn't always been there for her.

And as far as moving away - how long ago was that? Is that the reason why he is now taking you to court? If so, you might have some responsibility to pay for travel since you are the one that moved away. Two people I work with just went through this "I moved" thing and it didn't work out in their favor (one was a mother, the other was a father).

Good luck and I hope he steps up to the plate and becomes a better dad for his child - believe it or not, she needs him! :)

[Roxannee3]

yeah see we live in different states, so therefor he would have to get a lawyer to come up here. but he doesn't have the money to pay child support, much less the money for a lawyer..

[alaysha]

My daughter is 3 and her father has never been part of her life. He hasn't even seen her since she was 1. He also has been to jail for domestic abuse among other things and he lives a whole state away. He wasn't on the birth certificate either but the court will ask if he is the father and if you both say yes then he will be placed on the birth certificate. If either of you say no then they will do a paternity test. He was allowed to see my daughter 2 days a month but with no over night visits but I have sole custody so I am the decision maker for her. Its pretty much going to be impossible for you to not let him have any custody if you go to court because even if you show he is an unfit parent they can still do supervised visits. Also if the child hasn't seen the parent in a while they can do a program to slowly reintroduce him into his life. I had to do all that nonsense and more when we went to court. Something you can try is to estimate the max he'll have to pay in child support and give him an ultimatum. Either pay that monthly or sign off and let your husband adopt him. That is what I did and my daughters father just ended up deciciding to sign off on her.

[Roxannee3]

honestly if i could explain how he is, i would. that's how he is with blayne. anytime he had him his mom was watching blayne, or taking care of him. i mean at first i bent over backwards trying to get him to be in blaynes life just because i didn't want blayne to grow up without a daddy. but i couldn't take his crap. & the reason he smells like dog pee, is because they have a dog a bassett hound to be exact & she gets excited i guess, & i guess she pee's in the house. i didn't know she done that & couldnt' figure out why he smelled like that until i went in one day & she was in the house. & i seen it for my self.

i know it sounds bad now, but when we were together he had a great job, he had a car & we lived together on our own. i completely understand why you ask that, i would ask the same thing. but we we're doing great, had been together for almost 2 years & were engaged.

i have witnesses, friends & family. my mom was pretty much the one helping me with everything after we split up, so she helped me until i got on my feet.  

[ammanda]

First of all, the way you explain him, then I dont think he deserves to see him if this is the way he is.  He doesnt seem to be stable at all.. smelling like dog pee? how does that happen, that is a total loss of care, and complete negalence.    He seems like a real pice of work

BUT. I do have to say, if he has no car no lhome no job, whatever.. then why did you lay down with this man to begin with, and not use protection?  Sounds harsh but its true, u gotta pick wisely when it comes to have a child with someone.  

If hes as unstable as u say he is. then let him take you to court..  and if he is how you explain him, then nothing will come of it, just make sure you have valid proof and good witnesses

[Rhi315]

They might give him SOMETHING but I doubt it will be very much. He's just going for visitation rights??? I think he will have to request a paternity test as well if his name is not on the birth certificate. No one can tell you what the judge will or will not give him for sure though because every situation is different, and every judge is different. But if you're concerned about him getting split custody or something, I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like you have him in a much better situation than his dad would.